Ghosted after 4 hour first date

[purplexrain]

I had a first date on Saturday with a guy I matched with on an app.

We met at a pub, pretty standard for my first dates. He doesn't drink so I drank much less than usual (half pint and soft drinks), initially worried it’d be more awkward without relying on drinking to relax but I thought we hit it off really well, easiest person I’ve spoken to in a while. Conversation felt so natural and just fun? We both had random niche things in common too. Whole date lasted around 4 hours, I was the first to mention having to leave to grab something before the supermarket closed. He then mentioned he’d join me as he also needed to pop in which I was fine with, we were still happily chatting and joking around in the shop too

At the end he hugged me and kissed my cheek, said he had a lovely time. I then asked if he wanted to exchange numbers but also said “there’s no pressure though” but he happily agreed.

He messaged first (on the app) about 10 mins after leaving to say it was really nice to meet me and thanked me for the evening. Then mentioned he accidentally didn’t save my number properly so gave me his number instead.

I messaged back an hour later to say it was really nice too, enjoy xyz activity (mentioned on our date). Aaaand now radio silence

Am I delusional for getting my hopes up? Is it normal for people to stay for this long on first date if not interested

This is good solid pragmatic no nonsense advice of the kind rarely offered,
a worthy foil to the throwaway “blockand move on/ltb” response -
I’ve screenshotted it, thanks.

Did you feel there was much sexual chemistry on the date? Did he flirt and attempt a proper kiss? If not, there's your answer. He liked you and enjoyed your company but wasn't feeling it in the way he hoped.

ooooh we love a little cynicism here on wonderful Mumsnet …

@purplexrain my question would be why are you so invested after one date?

The person you met is a stranger and other than a pleasant 4 hour meet up, you don't know them at all. You got on well on the date and then exchanged numbers afterwards. He hasn't been in touch in the days since then and you are now asking a whole load of questions about his mindset. None of us can tell you what he is thinking or why he may or may not have been in touch. We can all wildly speculate about his intentions, but at the end of the day, that is all we are doing.

The only thing that really matters here is why you care so much - because your mindset is way more important in this situation than his.

There may be a genuine excuse - lost his phone, got into an accident etc

I just hope he wasn’t expecting to be invited back to yours, which is why he came to the shop with you.

Of course he may be married etc too.

Don’t text him again.
Hopefully he’ll reach out and explain but I wouldn’t hold my breath and if he does it might be a lie.

@MargoLivebetter youre completely right!

I think I’m projecting because I rarely have dates which go this well, and so I wrongly got my hopes up but after all we’re still strangers and a first date means very little

It's a shame when you feel you get on so well with someone and it's not reciprocated afterwards.

Sounds like he might have been hoping for more on the first date. He didn't get that so has moved on.

I agree with all of the above!

You need to treat the first few dates with a guy as just meeting a new person casually instead of “I’m potentially meeting the love of my life”.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket early on. You wouldn’t be as upset about this if you knew you already had another first date with someone else tonight. Talk to multiple guys at the same time and go on a few first dates. You can then choose the one you have the most connection with.

It’s silly to invest so much into one stranger (and something we’ve all done at some point so I’m not calling you silly). Keep your options open and be open to meeting new people.

This guy has eliminated himself here - if he really liked you, he’d have been in touch and he’d have been keen to set up the second date. It’s ok that he hasn’t done that and we don’t need to figure out why or whether to text him again, etc because there are other men that you’re going to meet who will like you who will be better at communicating and who will arrange another date.

OLD is a minefield nowadays, you don't know who you're dealing with, unless the person gives you his real name that way you can do an online search on him (linkedin, facebook, insta etc...) and get a hint of who this person is (but just a hint). Best thing is to take these strangers with a pinch of salt, develop a slow friendship and if after 6 months his words match his actions and has proven himself to be a good man then you invest on him. Becoming besotted with a total stranger is nuts ( that's how women get scammed or taken advantage), it says more about you than him.

It really is a jungle out there 😩

OP - some harsh words for you:

4 hours is too long for a first date. Take a slower burn approach. Limit it to 60-90 minutes and save some of the discovery process for your second and third date. This also allows you to see if he is consistent and get a better feeling for him generally.

Long platonic dates reduce the ability to build tension and momentum. There was no romantic kiss. Grocery shopping with a new match also reduces tension.

Good scenario for a bad 1st date - 45 mins, make excuses, handshake goodbye

Good scenario for a good 1st date - 90 minutes, finished on a high with both parties wanting more, romantic kiss, second date arranged

4 hours spent together over 2-3 dates is more valuable than 4 hours spent on a 1st date

I wouldn't message him again, id try and forget about it and he does eventually message back decide then if you want to go! Id prob expect to hear today, as he may not want to put you off by seeming too keen! Good luck xx

Drop him a text just say hey what about that second date then son

I think the thing about waiting a few days is moot with OLD these days. It happens a lot faster than say even 4/5 years ago. People are a lot more connected, always have phones handy etc. So the old ‘3 day rule’ and stuff like that isn’t really relevant. If someone isn’t bothering to be in touch lining up a second date while the iron is hot, then the moment is gone. For me anyway when I was dating. Waiting doesn’t build tension, it just makes me think they’re not that bothered.

I agree with pp about it being too long for a first date. I’ve had marathon first dates which seemed so good in the moment but then the guy never followed up. It’s such a waste of time.

If I may offer a bit of advice from years ago when I was dating?

Keep the first date short (about an hour, such as a meet in a coffee shop) and always have somewhere to go afterwards.
If they want to continue to do something else say that you'd like to but you have to do XYZ, but suggest you make arrangements to meet again. Then let them suggest something.

Remember - you aren't instant coffee so you aren't instantly available.

A guy who is really interested doesn't lose a 'phone number, btw.