How important is texting chemistry?

[datingchemistry]

I am 36 years old. Dating with intension, want to settle down and start a family. So I am picky, but because I'm looking for my forever person.

I have found online dating really difficult, it's been rare that I've met anyone I really like, and when I have, it's ended after a few months because of them. I am not attracted to the majority of the men I end up meeting, but like to give dates a chance to see if the attraction can come. It rarely does.

I met a man last week who is 37. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him, I definitely fancied him. There wasn't fireworks, but I did like his look and so far no major red flags.

But I have started to realise I don't like his texting style. It's hard to explain, but I don't feel we are connecting over text. He has made a few spelling/grammar mistakes and I find that icky, and it's consistent. One of the things I am attracted to is intelligence and I am finding he is coming across the opposite despite having a job in management.

Is texting chemistry important when dating someone? I do like to receive texts and find it a big part of communicating with your partner. So is it going to work when I am always getting the ick over the way he has spelt something, or put punctuation in the wrong places? I am just not particularly enjoying our texting conversations.

Should I... go on a second date and forget the texting thing, concentrating on him in person. Or, should I cut my losses, I am attracted to him, but the communication would bother me?

Ah. Have you ever been seeing someone where they’re great over messages and then a bit unattractive in person?! That’s way worse. So disappointing.
I’d go with how he seems in person and perhaps establish a less text based approach to keeping in touch between dates. Call instead for a little chat or to plan the next one? I know it’s not the norm, but he might be ok with that.

Yes, you made mistakes yourself OP.

That isn't said to be arsey (I do the same when typing or texting; just check my threads on here) but to make the point it has little to do with intelligence, and more to do with fat fingers and having learned to handwrite not type. Sometimes bright people are actually prone to this as their fingers are struggling to keep pace with their swift processing speed.

Also, my very best friend has a texting style that sets my teeth on edge. She addresses each comment as though working through a legal document clause by clause. It feels both pernickety and a bit insincere at times (as in, giving a stock response to tick the box). BUT she is one of my dearest friends and IRL she can make me laugh till I am crying and has been loyal to me for decades.

So in short, I think you risk dismissing a valuable connection by judging his texts.

Just reply with "Fine thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He'll soon get your drift.

So show you don't know the difference between 3 and however many that is 🙄

? (???????????????)

I think people who live in glass houses…

I dated before mobile phones so DH and I wrote each other letters when we were apart, which was for big chunks of uni holidays and a year when I was abroad and he was back at uni. His spelling has improved a lot over the years but in those days was quite hit and miss. He also misused apostrophes which is a big bugbear of mine. However, at no point ever did I consider ending the relationship because of his spelling and grammar!

He was (and is) kind, caring, thoughtful and he treated me so, so well. That’s what matters, not ‘texting chemistry’, whatever that is. It’s fine to be picky, I was, but make sure you’re being picky about the important things and the stuff that builds strong intimate relationships not he things that don’t really matter in the long run.

There will be things that you would prefer to be different because no one fits the bill perfectly. Half the fun of relationships is learning to deal with someone else’s quirks and differences. I’d think very carefully before making this a deal breaker with a man who you’re attracted to and get along with.

As @CountryGirlInTheCity says - you should be picky about the important things, not trivial things.

I mean - nobody is perfect; not him, not you (not me!). It’s of course very early days for you but you say you haven’t fancied many of the men you’ve met so the idea of ruling out a guy who seems nice and whom you fancy because of his texting style - well, it seems a bit daft to me, tbh.

Within a few years texts become about what groceries to buy and screenshots of quotes from the roofer and the occasional ‘love you’. I wouldn’t care especially because he could be very intelligent and just have dyslexia.

I agree OP, it’s a joy to find yourself in a relationship with someone who’s clever and witty over text but they’re few and far between sadly, so be prepared for a long hunt if that’s what’s important.

No texting chemistry isn’t important if you have chemistry in person. If you do not have chemistry in person or he is flaky towards you, then bin him now as it will not improve. Messages will not matter if you settle down with him and have children.

Things which I feel are important when looking for the father of your children are whether he is reliable, consistent, caring and compassionate, domesticated and financially solvent. Most of all will he still be decent towards you after you have children and if things don’t work out.

Choose the father of your children very carefully, over and above whether they will be a decent husband. Being parents is a bond for life.

Hmmm spelling and grammar is definitely a reasonable indicator of compatibility but I wouldn't focus entirely on it. I'd focus more on content, frequency and consideration.

Is it one sentence every few hours or days (fuck those people) and limited information / ignoring things you say, or does he respond when able and make himself available for regular two-way conversations? Does he make sure he acknowledges the important things you say or send him?

Dating apps are weird ways to meet people because we have to spend so much time with new people just to figure out if we even want to date them. Give it time but only you know how compatible you are.

As we get older, the dating pool gets smaller and things we previously thought really important to a relationship should shift from dealbreaker to tolerable. When I met my husband, he had one thing that had previously been a dealbreaker for me in relationships. Had I been a teenager, I wouldn't have even looked at this twice. It isn’t about settling or lowering standards, it’s about realism and maturity.

Judging someone by their texting manner is laughable. Texting barely plays a part in a marriage or long term relationship. You come across as shallow and judgemental. If someone has reached management level in their job, they aren’t exactly thicky thickerson. Intelligence is also amorphous. My husband is very intelligent, but his area of knowledge is something I couldn’t begin to match with him on and have little more than a passing interest in. My areas of expertise are the same for him. Our text exchanges are largely “how are you doing?” and “can you get milk?” Given the first six months of our dating life was conducted over MSN messenger, it seems surprising we moved very quickly to barely conversing over text. I’m glad I didn’t bin him off because he used a few extra question marks.

OP, I think you'd do well to reflect on what this supposed "ick" says about you, not him.

I'm a reformed grammar pedant. I was very snobby about spelling and grammar as a teenager. As I grew up I learned that this was a pretty unattractive trait. Not everyone had the same education I did; not everyone's brain works like mine does; getting spelling and grammar right has nothing to do with intelligence. DH is extremely intelligent in his field - something I know nothing about and don't especially care either. I can spell better than him (and he knows little about my field of expertise). Neither of those things matters to our relationship.

Frankly when I read your post - which as PP have pointed out is not exactly free of errors itself - I'm more put off by you than him.

What is wrong with ain't? They even put in the apostrophe! Why does that merit an eye roll?

You are one date in. Stop texting. Meet and discover each other in person where you can read body language, facial expressions, tone, posture, the way they carry themselves, the way they present themselves, they way they smell, the way they feel. Get to know the guy in person - and if you don't like him then move on. Texting at this stage should just be a way to facilitate arranging the next date.

I've been with my husband for 16 years and considering he replies to most texts with a 'k' I can safely say we have NO texting chemistry 😂

However...

We have deep conversations that last for hours, have great sex and we love each other to bits!

Before I met him I was dating someone who I could have a text conversation with back and forward for ages.

But when we met in person we literally had nothing to say to each other! It was awful!

I had to learn this. Texting demonstrates nothing and doesn't actually contribute to a relationship. Intentions matter. Showing up matters not asking you what you had for breakfast/ contributing to mundane back and forth.

It builds a picture of the man. Dating is information gathering, as someone said on a different thread, and if there are other negatives, they will add up.
Definitely don’t ignore your gut about his texting.

Oh god I can’t get worked up. My DP texts little more than OK to me in response to any texts. You’d love him

To quote a long gone MNetter ‘They are just words on a screen’

One of DS friends was messaging 21 women at one point, I remember overhearing them talking about it.

Does it matter what anyone else thinks? If it bothers you, it bothers you. Everyone's got different things that irritate them.

Personally, I'm only truly attracted to men who are very good with words. That doesn't necessarily mean their spelling and grammar has to be perfect, but it does mean a wide vocabulary and having a natural ability to use language to particular effect. I would be irritated by inane or badly written texts. Not because I think it means someone isn't intelligent, because it really doesn't mean that at all. Just because words and language are something that I'm very attracted to.

However, I know there are lots of things other people might think are important that simply don't bother me at all - I certainly see lots of posts on Mumsnet in which people's dating dealbreakers would be completely fine with me.

Ultimately, only you know if something is important enough to you for it to affect your attraction to someone. I would say that it's not a good sign if they're doing something that, for whatever reason, is going to make you cringe on a daily basis, and it sounds to me as if the texting is one of those things.

To be honest, it doesn't sound to me as if you're particuarly into him anyway.

Someone who couldn't spell correctly wouldn't interest me. I wouldn't call it 'texting chemistry'; just a fact that compatibility is vital.

honestly you just sound like an intellect snob. oh gosh, couldn't possibly date someone with dyslexia, it's just so icky!!

I could create texting chemistry with literally anyone. It is meaningless. It is very easy to manipulate someone over text.

I think you have to be realistic. Men your age tend to have quite a fixed idea about who they want to settle down with.