Fiance, blended family and working away

[ThisCoolDeer]

Hi,
I'll try to keep this brief. Just looking for a bit of advice. Been with my fiance 9 years, he has always worked away since before we met. Home on weekends or every other. Not ideal but it's always been this way. I have a 14yr old daughter from previous relationship. He has 2 children from previous relationship, boy 10 and girl 12.
Here's where it gets complicated - when we met he was going through his divorce. We took our relationship slow, actually didn't move in together until 4 years ago. His divorce was very nasty, he was stopped from seeing his children very abruptly when his ex got a new partner, she then moved out of town and my fiance had to apply to court to see his kids and find out where they had moved to (actually only 40 mins away). Then came Covid which caused an unbelievable amount of delays in court, there are many reasons and issues with this which I won't delve into but basically he didn't see his kids for 5 years (I know how this sounds but it was not his fault and he fought very hard, he had a nervous breakdown during proceedings because of constant set backs and the stress it caused). Since court was finalised, the kids have been an active part of our lives. All of our kids get along great too and the bond they have is lovely to see.
My issue is this - the 12 year old, I have struggled to bond with her. I'm not sure why- if I try talking to her while my fiance is out of the room she blanks me totally. She will only acknowledge me if my fiance is in the room. I feel on edge constantly when she is here, I don't know if to try harder with her or pull back a bit. I am trying to go at her pace but she gives no indication she wants to form any relationship with me. I have also seen some manipulative behaviour from her at times and lying about various things. She also acts very babyish when with us, for example she won't put on socks without asking her Dad if she should or not. I don't say anything ever as don't feel like I should insert myself. This partly makes me feel sad, I think it's because their bond was broken and they had such a gap from seeing eachother and so I do understand this. However their bond is very strong now.
Back to my fiance working away - I feel like we barely have alone time as it is, as the only weekends he comes home is when his kids and my daughter are here. My daughter goes out with her friends most of the time but his children don't as their friends aren't here. The 12yr old will constantly take my fiances attention, we can't even watch a film together in an evening without her interrupting it in some way. Again, I've kept my mouth shut as feel like I am the problem and am perhaps being unreasonable. However, our weekday evening phonecalls have now reduced, some nights we don't speak at all now, and I've found out the reason why is because he is on the phone to his daughter every evening instead, or gaming online with her etc. We are getting married next year and I feel so pushed aside lately.
I will also add - the 10yr old boy doesn't get this level of attention, and from what they both tell us he is pretty much ignored at home which is heartbreaking, I have been trying to make sure he gets the same level of attention when he's with us, and make sure he doesn't feel left out, I did raise this with my fiance who basically said I am picking on his daughter and both kids are treated the same but they are absolutely not.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way? How do I build more of a relationship with his daughter? She is chatty with my fiance and my daughter, just not me and all I've tried to do is make her feel welcome but now I fear I am becoming a little resentful towards her. Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

I would say his job is absolutely the root of all the issues he is currently having. Yes, the mum moved 40 minutes away and made things difficult, but if you look at the situation the way it is now, his job is what causes him to not have time for his kids, not have time for your relationship, not have the ability to have his kids living with him. It's what causing the insecure relationship between him and his DD, it's what causing his DS to cry twice a month when he has to leave. He needs to put his kids needs first and urgently get a job that allows him to be the parent. they need.

I do get what you are saying and agree he needs to change his job. But also it isn't that easy. He has a skilled job which has nothing available local to where we live, if he takes a lesser paid job bis CMS contributions will reduce, when this has happened in the last his ex has once again stopped all contact as she felt he wasn't providing enough, how does he win? CMS are always biased to the residing parent. His job isn't the reason his kids can't live with us, Social Services found evidence of emotional abuse and neglect and urged the court to remove them from their Mum and place them with us permanently, the Judge's rationale was, that as they had already been uprooted from all they knew, placing them with us would mean they would have to change schools again and be uprooted again, so he went against Social Service's recommendation, that is the reason they don't live with us. To have them live with us we would either need to return to court, not sure what evidence we would have to change the mind of the Judge, or wait until they are old enough to make that choice for themselves

But he can't have two kids live with him when he isn't even there more than 2 weekends a month. I can't see how that would work. If he wanted a chance to have the kids living with you he needs to be around. They are getting to an age where they can decide where to live themselves, especially the DD.

It might mean that he has to change his career, god knows many women have to in order to look after their kids, but he has had a long time to do this and hasn't.

I am not calling her controlling. I was replying to a comment further up that suggested my fiance should not be in a relationship if she basically doesn't want him to be in one, I said if he gave in to that, that would be controlling his life in a way.
I also am well aware she is hurting, as I have already said multiple times, none of it is her fault and it is heartbreaking the kind of upbringing she has had. I want to be a source of safety and security in her life, but am aware I need to tread very carefully due to how she is feeling. That being said, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect some small boundaries to be put in place either. She shares her Dad with her younger brother but appears to be jealous if her dad spends time with her brother too, it's not ok, they both get one on one time but she gets the most of it as ahe will lash out and say mean things to her brother otherwise, its not fair on him, he wants time with his dad too.
For the last time, it is 4 days month because that is what court granted, the court order stipulates "alternate weekends, half of thesummer holidays, alternate birthdays and christmas" so that is all his ex will allow, when he asks to have them extra she says no and she wants to stick to the order. If he could see them every day he would, he would soon quit his job!

If his kids lived with us he would quit, he would have to. At the minute he doesn't, as he has them for the times the court order says he can. Their court order says the kids live with their Mum until 16, I know this can change depending on their wishes but what court would currently grant them residency with us if we can't provide their own bedrooms? They aren't being harmed at their Mums, maybe neglected to an extent but the court didn't care about that at the time the evidence for this was presented to them by other professionals so what would make a Judge overturn the orginal court order at this time? It would mean a change of schools for them again. The whole reason the Judge didn't allow them to live with us when it was advised by social services.

I am going to stop replying now - it feels as though there are some Mums in these comments who have nasty or non-existent relationships with their ex partners and always assume a Dad is in the wrong and can never do anything right.

I would not be marrying someone I saw fortnightly. Even if he’s home every weekend that’s not enough for me. I can’t believe there is no job closer to home where he doesn’t have to travel that much. Unless he’s paid an absolute fortune - which I’m guessing not as you say you can’t move ti a bigger house - I’d be asking him to look at a different job NOW. Not when you’re married (and stuck!) or when mercury is in retrograde etc, NOW. It’s having a huge impact on your relationship and his with his children. I couldn’t handle the difference in how he treats his children either but I’d be stepping back and saying nah to this!

I hope he has checked they are actually his?

I’d just try and ride the storm OP. It won’t be like this for ever. This will end up being just a small part of what will hopefully be a long happy marriage.

I think this sums it up perfectly. OP you should not marry him yet it would be very unwise to do so. Not saying call off the wedding but definitely postpone.

What I took from this is that he needs time to catch up on with his kids. I'm not the least not surprised he's focusing mostly on them after not seeing them for 5 years and the harrowing mental impact it has had on all of them. I feel his DD is traumatised and her behaviour is a reflection of that. I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here, but it is probably worth considering that, given her mum's mental state and general vile personality, she likely convinced her DD in those 5 years that her dad left because of you - as in you took him away from her, you're the reason why she didn't get to see him and all the rest of it. To make her look like a victim/innocent. also likely she now knows that wasn't the case and wrapping your head around all of that at the age of 12 is going to cause some strange behaviour.

The thing that bothers me the most is the way he is with his son. Personally I couldn't marry a man who would fawn over his daughter yet does little in the way to bond with his son. I know your DP has been through a lot and is probably having a hard time balancing his relationship with each of them as well as you, and working on top. However, kids should always come first and something about that just doesn't sit right with me.

Think about what you want to do. Perhaps wait it out and give it time in the sense that it doesn't seem to have been long since he has regained contact with them and it will take time for the dust to settle. But don't allow the new normal to be all about him and his kids and you in the background as homemaker and not much more. Don't accept unhappiness or neglect. I think this comes down to whether YOU feel that he is able to maintain a positive and healthy relationship with everyone involved or not.

You've already made this thread so you're already having doubts. Don't ignore them. Really think about it, talk to him. Don't rush your decision but think of something that will work out best for everyone, ideally. This is just a really sad situation, sorry op. It sounds like you've tried and are trying so hard.

I couldn’t scroll past without replying. I just wanted to send some virtual solidarity and support.

Being a step parent is hard, especially when your relationship with a stepchild feels strained. I’ve had a very similar experience with a stepchild who would completely ignore me, not respond when I said hello or goodbye, and would scowl, hiss at me, or have a tantrum if I even dared to offer them a snack and they were at a similar age to your SD. Every time they were with us, I felt on edge, constantly waiting for something to kick off. Like your situation, they had never known their parents together, and we took introductions very slowly. On the surface, everything seemed fine, but things became much harder once we all moved in together.

The best advice anyone gave me was to remember that you’re playing the long game. This period, while incredibly difficult, is relatively short in the grand scheme of life. Reminding myself that children have big emotions, and that tweens and teens often have even bigger ones they don’t fully understand or know how to manage, helped me reframe this so that it wasn’t personal.

The way I dealt with it was to stop trying so hard to build a relationship. I kept interactions to mainly simple hellos and goodbyes, and focused instead on being a calm, predictable, and steady presence. The only thing I could control was my own reaction, so I tried to keep interactions low pressure and avoid situations that might create conflict, to make sure that I wasn’t reacting in unhelpful ways to behaviour. Over time, things slowly shifted. I stopped being the one to initiate every interaction, and now my stepchild actually speaks to me and we enjoy each others company! Written out the approach to reduce our interaction sounds a bit harsh but I think it helped because we moved at their pace. I wasn’t adding any extra demands or pressure for them to act a certain way, and in return I stopped feeling anxious every time they were with us so I was a better version of myself too.

It may not feel like it right now, but relationships can change a lot over time. Sometimes the biggest contribution we can make is showing up consistently and giving them the space to get there in their own time.

If the only reason you guys don’t have custody of the kids is because they would have to change schools why doesn’t he move closer to them?

Wouldn’t that be the easiest solution?

You sound lovely OP, I’m sure it will get easier with time and as they get more and more used to/relaxed with you…

It’s really disturbing that he is actively prioritising relationship with one child over the other. Unforgiveable actually. That being said OP you seem determined to defend him at every single corner and on every point of contention, so crack on I guess?

I’m not sure I could be bothered with so much drama in my romantic life.

I think the 12 year old is used to getting her own way. It may be best to work on communicating with her through her father.