Fiance, blended family and working away

[ThisCoolDeer]

Hi,
I'll try to keep this brief. Just looking for a bit of advice. Been with my fiance 9 years, he has always worked away since before we met. Home on weekends or every other. Not ideal but it's always been this way. I have a 14yr old daughter from previous relationship. He has 2 children from previous relationship, boy 10 and girl 12.
Here's where it gets complicated - when we met he was going through his divorce. We took our relationship slow, actually didn't move in together until 4 years ago. His divorce was very nasty, he was stopped from seeing his children very abruptly when his ex got a new partner, she then moved out of town and my fiance had to apply to court to see his kids and find out where they had moved to (actually only 40 mins away). Then came Covid which caused an unbelievable amount of delays in court, there are many reasons and issues with this which I won't delve into but basically he didn't see his kids for 5 years (I know how this sounds but it was not his fault and he fought very hard, he had a nervous breakdown during proceedings because of constant set backs and the stress it caused). Since court was finalised, the kids have been an active part of our lives. All of our kids get along great too and the bond they have is lovely to see.
My issue is this - the 12 year old, I have struggled to bond with her. I'm not sure why- if I try talking to her while my fiance is out of the room she blanks me totally. She will only acknowledge me if my fiance is in the room. I feel on edge constantly when she is here, I don't know if to try harder with her or pull back a bit. I am trying to go at her pace but she gives no indication she wants to form any relationship with me. I have also seen some manipulative behaviour from her at times and lying about various things. She also acts very babyish when with us, for example she won't put on socks without asking her Dad if she should or not. I don't say anything ever as don't feel like I should insert myself. This partly makes me feel sad, I think it's because their bond was broken and they had such a gap from seeing eachother and so I do understand this. However their bond is very strong now.
Back to my fiance working away - I feel like we barely have alone time as it is, as the only weekends he comes home is when his kids and my daughter are here. My daughter goes out with her friends most of the time but his children don't as their friends aren't here. The 12yr old will constantly take my fiances attention, we can't even watch a film together in an evening without her interrupting it in some way. Again, I've kept my mouth shut as feel like I am the problem and am perhaps being unreasonable. However, our weekday evening phonecalls have now reduced, some nights we don't speak at all now, and I've found out the reason why is because he is on the phone to his daughter every evening instead, or gaming online with her etc. We are getting married next year and I feel so pushed aside lately.
I will also add - the 10yr old boy doesn't get this level of attention, and from what they both tell us he is pretty much ignored at home which is heartbreaking, I have been trying to make sure he gets the same level of attention when he's with us, and make sure he doesn't feel left out, I did raise this with my fiance who basically said I am picking on his daughter and both kids are treated the same but they are absolutely not.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way? How do I build more of a relationship with his daughter? She is chatty with my fiance and my daughter, just not me and all I've tried to do is make her feel welcome but now I fear I am becoming a little resentful towards her. Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

Sorry just to add. Feel like I am blaming my stepdaughter, not sure if even appropriate to call her that. I'm not blaming her. I'm also not blaming my fiance. He is trying his best to show up for his kids, for me, do his job and keep everyone happy. He just seems to be struggling a little with balancing it.
I think my stepdaughter has some attachment /abandonent issues, which are not her fault but also not my fiances. Its her Mother. She cut her own children's dad out of their lives as she had an affair, as soon as she got my fiance out of the house she moved the new guy in and cut all contact with my fiance, essentially replacing him in the kids' lives. During court she put on quite the show, claiming my fiance was abusive physically and emotionally ro her and the kids, so he wasn't allowed near them while it was investigated. It was horrific 😢 thankfully social services saw through it all and did their own assessments on Mum and strongly leaned to removing the children from her and placing them with us, however the Judge said that as the kids had faced huge disruptions in their short lives such as leaving their school and friends to move to a new area, he did not want to disrupt them again in that way and that is the only reason they still live with their Mum. She was diagnosed with a mental health illness which court said meant she had unintentionally emotionally neglected the kids. So it is definately not their fault.
I feel like the most horrible person now I have even wrote this post. I just want to reconnect with my fiance and have some us time but I feel all of the lines in our lives are currently blurred and I don't know what to do for the best.

Why does he work away? Is he looking for local work? I’d be doing everything I could to find local work in his shoes.
i would say to him I’m not sure about the wedding right now, for two reasons, and am pausing all planning. The first reason is I get none of you- I understand you have your dc as a priority and then it’s your work but that doesn’t leave anything for me now that you’re talking or gaming with your dd every night. And I don’t see you trying to change your work. The second reason is that you give your daughter 10 times the attention your son gets and it hurts to watch, I won’t marry that kind of parenting or a man who gets mad at me when I point out his own actions. That poor boy would get most no attention without me, and I’m not sure I’m staying. I hurt for him more than I do for our relationship.

What is the benefit (to you) of getting married? It sounds like he should be spending that money on family therapy for the three of them.

There's lots of repairing relationships to do, puberty is really hard.

I have an SDC who behaved exactly like this. She’s been diagnosed with autism and ADHD as a teen. RSD meant anything less than complete monopolisation of DH’s attention felt like rejection. This was also at the expense of the other SDC.

Honestly I would be keeping distance for now. None of them sound like they’re improving your life. And the horrendous teen years haven’t even started.

What sort of work does he do? Do you think he will change?
In reality, if he cannot change his work then he probably cannot have a meaningful adult relationship for the next 5 years at least.
(Unless he gets long vacations to make up for all the time working away. If so, could you accept more intense blocks of time together instead?)
He needs to whole heartedly see his kids when he is back for weekends. Unless you are willing to be a very spare part in his life for a long time to come you might need to ask him what he plans to do.
It doesn’t make any of you bad or negatively responsible for the situation as it stands. Blended families are just really, really hard sometimes.
It all sounds very sad. I am so sorry it has reached this point for all of you. But I certainly would not be getting married with things as they stand now.

Agree his work is an issue.
I think I’d pause the wedding until there was some change and everyone was more settled. He doesn’t sound like a good dad to me tbh; although I appreciate his ex has made life very difficult. They must have been together for some time to have two kids; it’s unfortunate that this is now the situation. She may well be problematic or mentally ill but he doesn’t sound like dad of the year.

He has a 10yo but you've been together 9 years, so she started having an affair when she had a newborn?

Yeah, I was thinking that.

Also, don't marry him. No matter how slowly you took moving in together, it clearly hasn't been a success.

His son was 20 months when their marriage ended. He is 11 in 3 weeks. Yes she was havign an affair with a baby, just not a newborn. She had a 3rd baby with the other fella, that baby was born around 7 months after she and my fiance split.

Thankyou all for your replies. A lot of food for thought there.
He is a good Dad in my opinion. What happened to him and his children was not any of their faults and he is working hard to make sure that their relationship is solid, I think he sometimes finds it difficult because they have a long time of being told my their Mum that he didn't want to know them, which just isn't true, she kept him away and did what she did because having him around didn't suit her new life. She has since messed that relationship up as she had a second affair, with her daughters football coach! So, yeah.
Therapy is good idea - the 3 of them, and Mum, all had some level of therapy provided through social services after court ended but I don't think it has done any good and was at a time when things were too raw. Also the kids were much younger.
He used to work on the power station local to where we live - he then began travelling to all of them around the country for various jobs. He then left that job hoping to have a better work/life balance which sadly has not been the case. He does get some periods where he is 'stood down' and this can sometimes be for 3 or 4 weeks, he also gets generous annual leave and can take this at short notice.
My job also gets in the way - I'm a community nurse for the NHS and never finish my shift on time due to our general capacity. He took his current job because it pays more than the power stations did, and it was to support me while I completed my degree. He has ambitions he would like to achieve professionally but wanted to to get there first and supported me to do so. He is a good man and if he didn't work away I think we would not have these issues we do. If he was home more the kids could be here more and I think we all would then know where we stand.
It is really hard being a blended family, especially when there are other issues. Even though I am having a few small issues with his daughter, I do feel badly for her and the damage her Mum had done to her, I try to always be mindful of this, and she is a great kid really, she and my daughter get on so very well, they are always spending time together and chat on face time midweek when SD is at home with her Mum.
My reason for wanting to get married - me feeling pushed aside is a recent development and I keep trying to rationalise it. Aside from him not being home evening and us both having children from previous relationships so a little baggage there, he has always made me feel very secure in this relationship, he makes me laugh, he has good intentions, he supports the things I want to achieve in life and will do what he can to help me reach them, we enjoy the same things, we have made some lovely memories together around the world and I feel that one day both our working lives will be much better and we will have that balance so have more time together like we used to. He is my best friend and biggest supporter and and while the cart appears to be having a little derailment at the moment, it's not always been this way and I do feel its something we can get back on track.

@ThisCoolDeer I’m sorry but if you’re feeling this way now it is not going to improve with marriage. He is absent in so many ways. I would not be marrying someone where kids are involved
if he is going to be away so much and also you need to have a united front - sounds like you don’t.

Thankyou for this comment. I think it's a little unfair to say not to marry when kids are involved. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship. Her Dad, stepmum and I get along and have a good co-parenting relationship that is healthy, but because I have her does it mean I should never be in a relationship? I do agree he is absent in so many ways, absolutely. Although he has always worked away, it's not always been this bad, this year he has got progressively more busy at work and the company he works for have branched out which noe requires the team to travel even further than previously at times, he is aware this is putting pressure on us and I do feel like he is trying his best under these circumstances and he doesn't plan to stay in this line of work long term for this reason. When he worked away monday to friday that didn't bother me so much as I am busy with my daughter and her extra curricular activities, and my own full time job (I work one weekend in 4). Knowing that he was home each weekend was ok for me and I feel it worked well. What I am frustrated with at the moment is its now more every other weekend he is home so longer time apart and our evening phonecalls have now reduced as his daughter is always wanting to speak to him or do online gaming with him. We now get limited time together when he is home because of the kids, they are priority and it has to be that way and I understand that, but now I feel like she is taking away my evenings too and he is allowing it, and that is what is getting to me

He needs to be actively looking for a job where he is home more

he is away too much. The situation sounds less than ideal with 3 children involved.

Thankyou, yes he doesn't plan on staying in this job, he knows it is putting a lot of pressure on us. We want to buy a bigger house as currenty the kids have to share a room when with us and this is not ideal, so need an extra bedroom. We also need a little more financial stability. We both work full time but times are getting hard for us all aren't they. He says after the wedding he will atsrt looking for something closer to home but that would mean a pay cut if he stays in his current line of work, however money is not everything.
With that attention on his kids, his daughter comes across as very needy and insecure, and babyish. His son doesn't. So not sure if that has any baring. Both are great kids, his son is hilarious, a really funny little character, and has strong interests in all things history, at the moment he is really into the Titanic and when I tell you there is not a fact in existence that he doesn't know, it's amazing. We are planning on taking him (and our girls) to the museum in Ireland as he would have a ball. I don't think he gets less attention intentionally, I probably should of worded that better. Out of the 2 of them, he has adapted to our blended family much better, he also wants to live with us, he keeps saying this and cries when it's time to go home which is upsetting for us all. He is like my little best friend when here, he likes to run errands with me or watch a film and have some snacks, while telling me all the historical facts he knows so we don't actually make it through a film 😂

Agree that the issue is the job not the child. She is reacting by being needy/regressing due to not enough time with him. She’s desperate to be parented.
Having career ambitions is healthy, but now might not be the right time to pursue them.

Don't get married

He works in mechanical engineering and it does require travel around the country. He knows its putting a huge pressure on us and doesn't plan on staying in if forever, but he has been in this line of work for the last 14 years and I suppose with anything its hard to move on - previously he has been home much more than he has this year and that worked fine for us. He does get long periods off at times yes. He also gets a good annual leave allowance and can take at short notice, however in my job I cannot do this. We are onto 2028 annual leave calendar in my team currently 😳.
I think if he was home more, the weekends with his kids and me feeling a bit like a spare part wouldn't bother me as much, I do like to do my own thing too, and if I was having a bit of quality time with him midweek then I see it as balanced. I also work one weekend in 4, he works 2 in 4 at the moment though this is temporary and only for the current job he is based at, however this job is running until April.
Thankyou for seeing this doesn't make us bad people and is just the situation we have found ourselves in.
These issues aside, we don't have issues. When he worked away monday to friday but was home on a weekend, I didn't mind this, it worked well for us. I am busy with my own full time job too and also get quality time with my daughter where it's just the 2 of us, when not running her round to all of her after school clubs she is in. He supports me in everything I want to do, he does what he can to make my life easier usually, he makes me laugh like nobody else, he is so loving when home, he has open conversations and will actually talk about his feelings, and there have been times when he has dropped everything to be by my side, most recent example of this is when my Grandma passed away, I was there and it was early hours of the morning, he left his night shift to drive 3 hours home to be with me. When I had Covid and was symptomatic he drove 5 hours to come home and look after me. I would say he tries his very best, he knows things aren't ideal at the moment but we both have shares goals for our future and see this as a means to an end, I just seem to be struggling with it more at the moment as we have less and less time together. My professional life is currently extremely pressured and is making me ill at times, I'm an NHS nurse and the pressures we are seeing are unmanageable, unsafe and dangerous. I'm community based and my paid hours are 8-4.30 however I am seeing so many patients that I have to do my admin in the car while waiting for my daughter in her after school clubs. I don't get paid for any of this overtime either. None of us do. This is also adding a pressure in our relationship as I seem to alwyas be stressed at the moment, and this is the sort of job you definately bring home with you.
Sorry for such a long reply, I feel like just typing this out has helped rationalise my feelings a bit

Thankyou for this, I fully agree. I struggle in this area too, I definitely feel like her needs are not being met, not necessarily here but at home with her Mum, I only have that opinion based on information SD shares. I am unsure where my boundary is with supporting with this, I am often doubting myself, I don't know if I talk too much to her, not enough, she gets quality time with her Dad which is important I know, and as I'm not her parent I don't know where my role actually is. Sometimes I feel like I over step when trying to help. She gives me no reaction whatsoever so I can't gage from that. She chats her head off with my daughter and fiance but I get radio silence most of the time, I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me but can't think of anything I've done to make her feel that way. His son and I have a great relationship and I don't treat them differently, we are both more sociable in general, thats the only difference I can think of. I sometimes wonder if she doesn't like me because she sees me also get attention from her dad and feels I get in the way? Like if he and I watch a film together she has to come and join us and talk to him during it so he doesn't watch it anyway. If we are going out in the car she sulks if I am sat in the passenger seat as she wants to be next to her dad, he tells her no and so she has to sit in the seat directly behind him. If we are out and about he can't walk next to me, we were on a woodlands walk the last time they were here and as we were walking we were chatting about what we were going to cook for tea and she had to walk directly in-between us both, I don't make an issue of this as I know she is craving that bond with her dad and it is no skin off my nose if we can't walk directly next to eachother, but I wonder how she is seeing it from her perspective?

Definitely do not marry him. He is an unequal parent to his two children so therefore he is a bad father. He has developed an unhealthy relationship dynamic with his daughter and this is not parenting. he is neglecting his son so he's not a good parent or human being in my honest opinion.

He makes no time for you, and it's not just the job is it? He's not even calling you in the evenings.

You should be ending this relationship and not waste any more time on this man. What is your daughter learning about relationships from this mess?
but I have a feeling you will plough on and get married next year anyway. Then wonder why you're so lonely and unhappy and feel pushed away in your own home

Sorry to say but if he only has every other weekend free and his children have been through so much, then that time will be needed by them. I can’t see when you will have time for a marriage? Seems unfair on you to be constantly hanging around for scraps when you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship.

You sound like you are giving all you can in a different situation. You are trying to fill the gap left by from what you describe, a neglectful mum and an absent dad. Unfortunately it’s down to the kids whether they embrace this or not. Sounds like you have one who has and one who hasn’t. You’re not an adult they have chosen to be in their life, also the daughter may see you as a rival for her dad’s time and affection. She’s not getting enough of it so anyone else who does is likely to be met with jealousy. All you can do is keep being consistent. I think you are already doing all you can. The solution unfortunately doesn’t lie with you. I know you have aspirations for a bigger house etc, but now may not be the time for your partner to throw everything into work and earning potential. These kids will not look back and wish they had more holidays abroad, they’ll wish they saw their dad more.

Thankyou, I get what you are saying. Just to be clear yws he has been absent, not his fault but that doesn't matter now, what matters is how it is made up. He was granted every other weekend by court, and half of the summer holidays. Their maternal grandparents have a caravan which they go to during all of the other half terms. Their mum dictates how the 3 weeks are split up during the summer hols, sometimes she will allow week blocks, or split the 3 weeks into 3 or 4 day stints. We get no say whatsoever, its all what suits her at the time. When my fiance asks for extra time with them he is always told no. If we could have them every weekend we would. If we could have them live with us we would. Christmas and birthdays are supposed to alternate, but this is never followed. This coming weekend they are due to be with us but their Mum has arranged trick or treating with her friends and their kids, we haven't raised this as an issue as the kids are excited, but its not fair either. This has happened a few times where she has requested them home a night early due to plans she has made but doesn't give any of us that time back. So yes his daughter is absolutely feeling it. I hope they see all this when they are older. I know I sound like I am making excuses but I'm not, this is our reality. What Mum says, goes apparently. I agree now isn't the time to throw everything into work though and wish he would slow down with that and be home more. The house is not urgent but is a need, more so for the kids as they currently have to share when with us, we want to give them both their own bedrooms so they have their own private space, especially with them being boy and girl. They get privacy in the bathroom and go there to change etc, I know its not a major issue right now but we feel it will help with them, well his daughter, fully settling. I am aware how that sounds, I am and will continue to bend over backwards to make sure the kids feel settled with us, my daughter included, thankfully she has also adapted well as my fiance has been in her life a long time and she sees the sacrifices we have made and how hard we work to try and provide a good life, my fiance and her Dad also have a healthy relationship, as do I with him. So I believe she sees a lot of good around her. Thankyou for taking the time to reply

I couldn’t be arsed with all this. I would be making plans to separate.

Life isn't supposed to have so much drama - you sound like you are marrying into a ridiculously unfair situation on you and your kid. I just wouldn't be bothered with it.