Fiance, blended family and working away

[ThisCoolDeer]

Hi,
I'll try to keep this brief. Just looking for a bit of advice. Been with my fiance 9 years, he has always worked away since before we met. Home on weekends or every other. Not ideal but it's always been this way. I have a 14yr old daughter from previous relationship. He has 2 children from previous relationship, boy 10 and girl 12.
Here's where it gets complicated - when we met he was going through his divorce. We took our relationship slow, actually didn't move in together until 4 years ago. His divorce was very nasty, he was stopped from seeing his children very abruptly when his ex got a new partner, she then moved out of town and my fiance had to apply to court to see his kids and find out where they had moved to (actually only 40 mins away). Then came Covid which caused an unbelievable amount of delays in court, there are many reasons and issues with this which I won't delve into but basically he didn't see his kids for 5 years (I know how this sounds but it was not his fault and he fought very hard, he had a nervous breakdown during proceedings because of constant set backs and the stress it caused). Since court was finalised, the kids have been an active part of our lives. All of our kids get along great too and the bond they have is lovely to see.
My issue is this - the 12 year old, I have struggled to bond with her. I'm not sure why- if I try talking to her while my fiance is out of the room she blanks me totally. She will only acknowledge me if my fiance is in the room. I feel on edge constantly when she is here, I don't know if to try harder with her or pull back a bit. I am trying to go at her pace but she gives no indication she wants to form any relationship with me. I have also seen some manipulative behaviour from her at times and lying about various things. She also acts very babyish when with us, for example she won't put on socks without asking her Dad if she should or not. I don't say anything ever as don't feel like I should insert myself. This partly makes me feel sad, I think it's because their bond was broken and they had such a gap from seeing eachother and so I do understand this. However their bond is very strong now.
Back to my fiance working away - I feel like we barely have alone time as it is, as the only weekends he comes home is when his kids and my daughter are here. My daughter goes out with her friends most of the time but his children don't as their friends aren't here. The 12yr old will constantly take my fiances attention, we can't even watch a film together in an evening without her interrupting it in some way. Again, I've kept my mouth shut as feel like I am the problem and am perhaps being unreasonable. However, our weekday evening phonecalls have now reduced, some nights we don't speak at all now, and I've found out the reason why is because he is on the phone to his daughter every evening instead, or gaming online with her etc. We are getting married next year and I feel so pushed aside lately.
I will also add - the 10yr old boy doesn't get this level of attention, and from what they both tell us he is pretty much ignored at home which is heartbreaking, I have been trying to make sure he gets the same level of attention when he's with us, and make sure he doesn't feel left out, I did raise this with my fiance who basically said I am picking on his daughter and both kids are treated the same but they are absolutely not.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way? How do I build more of a relationship with his daughter? She is chatty with my fiance and my daughter, just not me and all I've tried to do is make her feel welcome but now I fear I am becoming a little resentful towards her. Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

I wouldn't take the next step to marriage yet.

We want to buy a bigger house as currenty the kids have to share a room when with us and this is not ideal, so need an extra bedroom.
Which child / children are sleeping in with you? That is not appropriate at their ages.
When his DC come to stay, the two girls need to share a room, with either the boy sleeping on the sofa, or you and DH sleeping on the sofa while the boy has your room.

He says after the wedding he will atsrt looking for something closer to home but that would mean a pay cut if he stays in his current line of work

Ask him to start looking for a new job NOW and not use the wedding as an excuse.
Instead, tell him the wedding is off until you have moved house, because that is the more pressing priority.
If you can't move house unless he stays in his job, you need to move ASAP, then he moves job, then you get married, in that order.
Don't marry until the housing and job are sorted.

Massively scale back the wedding plans, e.g. registry office plus evening in a pub for max 6-8 guests, you pay for pub meal but not drinks.

Separately, don't force your relationship with his DD. She is allowed to not like you much, and that is okay.
Keep a sense of perspective. It will only be about 8 or 10 years until she leaves home, then you and DP will (hopefully) have decades together.
Marriage is for life, not just for raising children.

The only way he would prioritise you some of the time is if you didn't live together. He would then be forced to get a local job so that he can spend every other weekend with his kids and every other with you. If you continue like this you will just act like a piece of furniture in his life, someone who is just there but nothing more. I totally get why he has to prioritise his kids the few days a month he is around, but there is nothing at all left for you. And this is before his DD is even a teen. It's about to get a whole lot worse.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you are getting married now, when it's so obvious that this is not a functioning or healthy relationship. Take back some power and live by yourself with your DD. If you guys want to date each other then do so, otherwise enjoy the peaceful and drama free life you will have without him.

Hi, sorry I thought I was more clear. The kids don't room share with us adults. We are in a 3 bed, fiance and I in one room, my daughter has her own room as she lives here full time, the 3rd room we have 2 single beds in. Often times both the girls will share, but sometimes SD and SS want to be in the same room (they have own rooms at home with Mum but tell us they often share and have done this since they were very young) so sometimes they share. We aren't doing anything inappropriate.

We couldn't currently move house if he were to take a lesser paid job closer to home. I also work full time but my wage is peanuts compared to his.

Our wedding is small and to a budget, its his second and I've only ever wanted a small one abroad so that is what we are doing with 25 guests and its already booked and fully paid for (we booked it the back end of 2024), but if it wasn't I totally understand what you are saying. The only reason that puts me of pushing it back is our guests have already booked their accommodation and flights. Also, I do feel a sense of, why should I put my life/plans on hold, I am important too?

I also might be deluded here but do feel like everything is going to work out and things slot into place. I don't know anyone that has a perfect life?! I love my fiance dearly and know he does me, life is hard for us right now but I don't get some of the comments on here saying I should leave, they do say nothing worth having comes easy? I suppose all I really want is for him to put some boundaries in place with his daughter, not let her control his evening when he is working away. He doesn't want to upset her or make her feel neglected I get that, but I need his time too (he is currently working 12 hour shifts 7-7, gets to his digs, eats, showers, talks to her then pretty much goes to bed). I find it hard saying that outright to him, I don't know why, I suppose it's because his kids have had a lot of trauma and I don't want it to come across like I am causing ann issue, and I feel like I need to check myself because I don't want SD picking up on how I am feeling either as that will likely cause more tension.

Now that I am typing these things our and really listening to myself, I don't even know what I am seeking here, I guess I just needed to vent.

As a stepmum I absolutely sympathize with how hugely difficult it is to live with a child who does not want to form the kind of relationship with you that you would like.

But these kids have not had a huge amount of time to rebuild their security and relationship with the father after his absence. His absence makes them insecure. And when they see him, you are there.

You are defending him hard in the other posts, but while he may have fought hard in court, by continuing to work away and not protecting his time and relationship with his kids he is not prioritizing them.

Whatever has previously happened, his daughter is insecure in her relationship with him. Territorial. That’s why you are the bad guy. You can’t resolve this. Only he can. That he hasn’t clocked this means he’s not the great dad you think he is. Or the great partner. He’s letting you have the emotional load of this, not dealing with it himself.

OK so don't delay the wedding if guests have already booked flights and it is all already paid for.

As far as I can see, there is no pressing need to move house: it will not kill the girls to share a room (when DSD no longer wants to share with her brother).

I would say it is far more important at this stage for DH to change jobs, as soon as possible, and delay a house move for a few years until his new job is more established. Him being around only every other weekend for his children is simply not good enough parenting. Nor is it good enough for you.

If he insists that he must stay in the current job to keep his earnings, then you have a problem. But you cannot force a man to be a good parent or a good partner; all you can do is keep telling him what you see and what you want.

As for your relationship with DSD, I repeat what I said above: don't force your relationship with his DD. She is allowed to not like you much, and that is okay.

Keep a sense of perspective. It will only be about 8 or 10 years until she leaves home, then you and DP will (hopefully) have decades together.
Marriage is for life, not just for raising children.

Thankyou, all of that does make sense. The time he spends with his kids, and with me, is not enough, I absolutely agree. Sometimes he gets 'stood down' at work, usually between one job finishing and the next starting, this can be for 3 or 4 weeks. We do often ask to have the kids extra, it's always a no. Their Mum is adamant she wants to stick to the court order, even though she doesn't stick to her end. It's an option to go back I suppose, and see if the order can be amended, though I am sure that will bring a load of extra stress. At the moment while building savings he will work most of the weekends he doesn't have the kids, which does frustrate me. If he was home every weekend he and I would have more time together, but this still wouldn't allow for extra time with his kids as Mum says no, her family time with them is important too, which it is. Kind of feels like a losing battle trying to get extra time with them. Maybe as they get a bit older they can tell their Mum themselves they would like extra time at ours? My daughter does this, her Dad and I agree to pretty much whatever as long as she is happy and it doesn't effect school etc.
It feels like his kids don't even want to disappoint their Mum, but in a strange way, it's like she puts guilt on them, they tell us they aren't allowed to talk about life with us when they go home to her? It's weird and must make them feel uncomfortable.
I do feel as they get older and see things for what they are, things will ease. It's definately not easy at the moment.

Thankyou. I hear that. Yes I have defended him a lot. It's not that he is unaware she is monopolising his time, he is, but he doesn't see it quite the way I do. He sees it more as, they are building on their relationship, he also doesn't want to tell her when she calls, that he is tired from work or has things to do etc, because he doesn't want her to feel like he is not making time for her and doesn't want her feeling any more rejection that she already has. I dont think he quite understands how this is effecting me now, but I also don't fully tell him how I feel because when I try I feel like I can't quite articulate what I am trying to say

Sounds like a nightmare OP. As you say it’s not the child’s fault her parents split and she’s had disrupted access to her father and has to put up with someone who isn’t her mother and their kids when she does see her dad. I’m not sure what there is to say beyond this, a blended family simply won’t suit some (most?) children and they will act out accordingly. I can’t imagine anything I would have hated more.

All you can do is stay nice, be kind and support her, not with a view of getting anything out of the relationship yourself. I know it sounds hard but I don’t think there’s another way my.

It sounds like he’s not yet at a point in their relationship where he can step back from her. But he could talk to her about how they can manage this together. Maybe about setting clear times and sticking to them, or about planning time just the 2 of them.

Phone time and online gaming is no substitute for face to face one to one time.

My husband is very conscious of spending time one to one with both of his kids. I am super conscious of leaving him to have time just with them if they’re home for the weekend. He does the same for me and mine. That the kids all know we do this because they are the most important thing really helps them feel more confident. Then when we all come back together we share the stories of the day. It will always be something we work on.

I think that is it. I would like him to set some boundaries. I'm not saying, don't speak to her but more just let her know that he can't be on the end of the phone when he finishes work until she goes to bed, every single night that she is not with him. It's not a substitute, absolutely. He was granted every other weekend in court, shared summer holiday, alternate christmas and birthdays. He is there for all of that. He has asked time and time again for extra time with them but his ex says no every time, no explanation just a firm no and she wants to stick to the order. Not much he can do about that except go back to court and request for it to be amended but that is no guarantee. I think that's why he settles for the phone. From his daughters side of that, she says ahe can speak to him when her brother is not there as ahe also seems quite jealous of her brother being around. All 3 of our kids do get one one one time too, as regularly as we can. I try and see my family or friends for a bit also on their weekends if my daughter is out with her friends or boyfriend, so that my fiance has time with just his children. It's hard to balance it all in the short time we get with them but we do try. I'm not really sure what else I could do

Yes it does feel that way at the moment. For my daughter and his son, there are no issues. Every child is different I know. His daughter doesn't seem to like him spending time with his son (her brother also). I know it's not her fault, but she can't have her dad all to herself, she also has a brother who already gets less attention than she does, this is also the case at their Mums house, it's clear by what they tell us. SS doesn't seem bothered by this, he likes to do his own thing a lot of time, he says he is surrounded by girls in both houses so likes to go and play and close the door and 'keep the girls out', which is completely fine. He also likes to come and run errands with me or visit my family, he loves going to see my Mum especially. He even enjoys going food shopping with me and is an excellent little helper. Sometimes he asks if I can take him for a drive so we also do that. SD is always invited but never wants to come and that is also ok. She gets the most 1-1 time with her Dad this way. My daughter also doesn't want to do these things as she is 14 and it's uncool to be running errands with Mum I guess! With him it feels natural and easy, with SD I feel like I have to tread on eggshells as so scared of overstepping but equally not doing enough. I am not sure where that line is.

His daughter needs all the love she can get no wonder she’s lashing out. First her mum and dad have a baby brother then mum and dad split up l, then her mum has another child and on top of that she wasn’t allowed to see her dad for 5 years . She’s missed out on so much with him and now she can’t spend proper time with him because in her eyes you and your child are in the way and have got him. In your shoes I don’t think this will get better and actually I think there may come a time when it’s his kids or you and yours as an ultimatum

Even if I wasn't in the picture, at some point he would meet someone, is he not allowed a relationship because he already has children? Or because is daughter wants him to herself? Yes it is absolutely awful what has happened to her and is not her fault, but she needs to understand that families do sadly break up sometimes. She gets 1-1 time with her dad, as much as can be done with the limited time he has them, her brother has no issues with this it would seem. SD's Mum moved on, is Dad not allowed to also move on? I do get what you are saying but she can't control his life

But you came into his life early and she will see it as you had him while she couldn’t see her dad etc. has he taken her to family counselling? The brother I think is fine because he was only a baby clearly .

Both kids have done counselling yes, we got told there were issues with his son but not daughter, so extra work was done with his son. Their Mum had an affair, thats why the marriage ended, during counselling it came to light that Mum had moved new partner in 4 weeks after kicking my fiance out. SS was 20 months at the time of the split, he was then brought up for 5 years thinking the new fella was his Dad, whereas SD knew he wasn't. As you can imagine, more work was needed with SS as he needed to be told the truth in a controlled way with professionals. But he has thrived since this. Once court was all done with, it then came to light that Mum has had another affair, this time with SD's football coach, and has now kicked her second husband out, and is now not allowing him to see the child they share together, who is only 8. The whole thing is a mess and clearly Mum has learned nothing through court and the therapy she was also ordered to do. So yes I guess there are still issues that need a exploring more deeply and I will suggest this.

You are not seeing the long term.

If he was single, I would recommend he stayed single for another 8-10 years until she leaves home - 10 years is not a lot in the context of a whole lifetime.
But that is irrelevant as he is with you now.

Don't see it as her 'controlling his life'. See it as her going through a bad few years, and hopefully in about 5 years she will feel more secure and be more grown up, and so won't be as clingy and needing his time.
5 years is nothing. Wait it out.

I didn't mean she is controlling his life, I meant it by, if he stayed single because that's what his daughter wants, then that would be controlling his life. But yes you are absolutely right. Even her being clingy etc doesn't necessarily bother me, it doesn't bother me when she is here, but now that it is interrupting our evening phonecalls while he is working away, that is bothering me, though that is for him to address and set a boundary. But as the majority of comments have said, it is his job that is causing a lot of this just as he is not home during the week. If he was home on weeknights and I got a bit of time with him, I wouldn't have an issue with the phonecalls I don't think

I agree with this. OP when people say not to marry him they dont mean end the relationship, its just that its not the right time to do that when hes barely spending any time with you or his kids. He needs to sort his job out, then his relationship with his kids, and then look at getting married.

You could certainly ask him that as your fiance and one of his priorities, that on Tuesdays and Thursdays that he'll call at 7 p.m. I'm sure 20 minutes isn't unreasonable and then he can have his mother-daughter time the rest of the evening. Helps to have concrete times set.

I met my second husband when his daughter was 14. She was a lot easier going with me than your man's daughter, but there were those bits of jealousy and defiance. He seemed overly gung-ho, anticipating I would be a 2nd mother to her since her own mother was toxic. She'd abandoned her at age 2 and returned into her life at age 10. I told him, "I can't predict what will happen and want this to unfold organically. Maybe my role will be as a healthy mentor. Maybe we'll be friends. Maybe she'll welcome me as a motherly figure. But however it unfolds, just know I'll be pleasant and kind and respectful to her, just as I expect she will be with me."

So, I'd think it might be helpful for you to take on the same mindset. If you are purely kind and respectful without expecting you two develop a particular role in each other's lives, she won't feel pressure and she might gradually see you as a positive and stable presence and grow to seek your company more often. If not, at least you'll know you treated her well and have no choice but to let the cards fall where they may.

Perhaps you and your man could also spend individual time with the kids, like on an occasional Saturday, he takes his son out for one-on-one time, and the next time his daughter. And you could do the same with his son and daughter. It might help if you spend individual time with her. Good luck!

So in a nutshell you want him to reduce/stop the calls with his daughter so he can speak with you instead?

She sounds like she has been and is going through a lot - I'm surprised a child would want to spend that much time on the phone with her dad tbh.

All you can do is ask him to have less calls with her so he can give more of his time to you I guess.

He is just showing her that she has his attention, the same way she would if he lived with her. He would then finish work and spend the evening with his kids until they went to bed. She just wants what her friends probably have, parents that are present. He has created a life where he has 4 days a month available to see his kids, and very little available time to even speak to them on the phone. In that situation he can't possibly tell them that they can't call him when they want or that he doesn't fancy gaming with them because he has to be available to his partner. He has simply chosen a life where there is no time at all for a meaningful relationship with anyone else. It's not a case of him not being allowed to have a relationship because he has kids, it's a case of him not making himself available to build any real relationships.

You also say that he is asking for more time with his kids, when would he have that? Or do you mean that the mother should just allow him to have them whenever he is between jobs and that she should arrange her life even more around his work schedule? He doesn't even live where his kids and their friends/school is, why would they want to spend more time with him?

I think you need to stop referring to this child as controlling.

You talk about the ss obviously needed extra therapy and it seems like your SD is a glass child.

She was older and more aware and of course she has struggles. He is doing the right thing by prioritizing her.

He sees her four days a month after 5 years apart. That’s bloody awful.

You seem to be looking at her as manipulative rather than a child who is hurting.

This is quite unfair. He gets generous annual leave which he can take at short notice, he would do this to have the kids for some extra time which would need to prearranged not just for him but also for the kids Mum as she also has a life. He lives 40 minutes away because their mother uprooted them from their school and friends and moved them away, to somewhere they didn't know a soul, all their family, paternal and maternal still live here where we live. They would want to spend more time with him, his son cries when we have to take him home and repeatedly asks if he can live with us. His daughter clearly wants more time which is why she is now calling him every evening aswell as taking almost all of his time when she is with us. He is not the bad guy here, he is trying to make the best of a crappy situation. Yes he needs to change his job but his job is not the only issue and he is doing what he can right now based on what he is qualified to do and what is providing for his kids. He knows his job is less than ideal but there is currently nothing in the small town where we live, that would provide in the same way his current job does. The job he does, requires travel around the country, regardless of where he lives. Many men out there are in similar jobs and still have families, blended families too. As for only making himself available 4 days a month, that is because after spending years in court at a cost of 22k, he was given contact for every other weekend, that is also not his fault. We are trying to save for a bigger house too, so that his kids can each have their own room, as currently we have one bedroom that they either share or his daughter bunks in with mine. We hope that when they do have their own room, it will be much easier all round. We aren't made of money and so can't make this happen any faster than we are trying to do

Him finding a local(ish) job should be, in addition to therapy for his children, his priority.

His poor daughter has had a very, very shitty childhood and snatched weekends, where she has to share her father’s attention with his partner is not good enough. His son is also being unfairly impacted by his dynamic with his DD.

I understand that it has been difficult for you all but his children need him more at this moment and your marriage comes secondary to rebuilding his relationship with his children.