Does anyone have a husband or partner with high functioning ADHD- if so, please talk to me.

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This may sound silly but I have diagnosed my DH with the above. He exemplifies each system on the list. I am finding him really difficult to deal with, in every way at the moment and we argue everyday. I am so exhausted, I cry daily - I cannot say anything to him without him taking it as a criticism and aggressively turning back around to me. For an example - one of many in the last 24 hours - I have reminded him that it is DS’s swimming lesson this morning that he needs to take him to and he instantly became flustered and became angry. DS has had the same swimming lesson for the past 5 weeks! Anyway, I really want to hear from other people who have someone close to them with High functioning ADHD and how you cope.

Can I ask where you have got the list of symptoms from that you are comparing your husbands behaviour to? I have ADHD and I also work in a field where knowing more about neurodiversity is helpful, so I spend quite a lot of time reading research and journal articles (which I am able to do thanks to my ADHD meds!).

In recent years I have seen loads of posts & videos online that list off ‘symptoms’ that aren’t actually in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD.

It also feels like ADHD is increasingly being used as an excuse for being a mean person.

Yes it can make you feel overwhelmed and then you snap at people, but if someone is constantly blaming another person and being angry etc, I’d say that is as much to do with their personality than it is possible ADHD.

You cannot diagnose him, particularly based on one behaviour alone. Poor emotional regulation is a part of ADHD (one I struggle with myself) but it's only one part. If you had given a longer list of behaviours and symptoms then it would be easier to answer your question.

Because him losing his temper could be a temperament thing, not an adhd thing. He could just be an aggressive person.

This!!

And whilst he nay have ADHD (which needs to be diagnosed properly) this does not excuse his aggression/behaviour.

This! I'm getting increasingly upset and frustrated that something I struggle with daily, emotional regulation, is being passed off as a personality trait - meanness.

ADHD people are not innately mean or aggressive, in fact often we are very sensitive and caring. But our brains process information far too quickly before we have worked out how to react (I know you know this, it's for the OP really).

The instagram/tik tok doctor thing is so damaging. You don't have Adhd because you put your keys in the fridge or shouted at your wife.

I have ADHD, I’m pretty sure we all know that by high functioning the OP means he appears fine more often than not, has good masking, isn’t in prison due to a total lack of impulse control or is unable to hold down any type of job. I’m not sure why people are desperate to jump on this description.

This is so interesting! And really does illustrate everyone is different. I have ADHD and my partner had pretty severe dyslexia - we are the opposite. I can just about cope with organising all of the activities for our DC and taking him (swimming, nursery etc) but I am very disorganised in the house and have little bandwidth left for housework etc. So my partner does most of it, I'd say 75/25.

You really do have to find your own rhythm as a couple, ADHD is not identical for each person.

And crucially, you do need a diagnosis before approaching it properly!

AdHD diagnosis requires more than currently meeting symptoms, there needs to be verifiable evidence of symptoms right back to childhood.

You're husband doesn't sound like he has adhd, he just sounds unpleasant. ADHD symptoms in one person don't reduce their partner to tears on the regular.

ADHD is not high functioning. Its is debilitating and I am fucking sick to death of people with no medical knowledge and armed with Google self diagnosing it. Just stop already. Its insulting to people who actually struggle with it.

My husband is one of the top in the world in his field of work. He has autism and ADHD. You can indeed be high functioning and ADHD/autistic, depending how it affects you. In fact, for him, some of the traits are probably a driver of his success.

He does have an EA to help with executive functioning issues.

It's also brought our marriage almost to it's knees before he was diagnosed. We got through it. I recommend the book: The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov.

You cry every day???

You ask how people cope - you leave.

I have ADHD I do not criticise people or make them cry.

I hope this isn’t real but if it is then you need to end the relationship.
The ADHD is irrelevant.

I am so exhausted, I cry daily - I cannot say anything to him without him taking it as a criticism and aggressively turning back around to me.

You diagnosing him is giving him a get out clause imo. No, he's behaving terribly. He may well be stressed, unhappy or just a horrible person but he needs to go get some help. Making you feel like this every day is not a marriage to be in.

You guys need to talk imo, calmly.

Sorry but this is total BS.

You’re treating your DH like an incapable child.

He is more than capable of organising and attending his children’s classes without you doing it, but of course he’s going to act like he can’t cope if mummy is there pandering to him.

How do you think he coped before he met you?
I’m guessing you didn’t have to organise all of the first dates and show him step by step how to do it.

I agree. My DH lived at home before we married, so he had his mother managing him. Eventually, and this was before he was diagnosed, I realised he had set me up to be his reminder system and home EA. I had enough to do so the next time he asked me, "Remind me to do x when we get home," I told him, "I will try to remember but no promises as it's not my responsibility to remember." He did scowl a bit but he couldn't really argue with it. It was also something that only had consequences for him if he forgot. That was all before he was diagnosed.

Since then he has been diagnosed and has learned different systems to help him do things. He has an EA at work but that's not my problem and she gets paid. He has check lists so he doesn't forget anything, whatever works for him. If he's not home on time to go out, we leave on time without him. He has now worked that one out too.

They can do it. It's just easier for them to delegate.

The op hasn't come back as she doesn't like the answers

Has he always been like this? If so, why did you marry and start a family with him? If he hasn't (which I suspect he hasn't) then he won't have ADHD as you don't just develop it. It sounds like there might be other things going on for him, for example stress or MH issues, or these could be symptomatic of problems within the relationship such as communication breakdown.

I don't see how "diagnosing" family arguments as ADHD is helpful.

Yep, not officially diagnosed via nhs yet, but immediately strongly suggested by a psychotherapist he saw due to burnout (and everyone who’s ever met him!)
Poor sleep, time blindness and rejection sensitivity are the main symptoms.
It’s been tough but we have a wall calendar in the kitchen which he checks every morning and I put important things in his phone calendar, and we set alarms which lessen his fuck-ups.
I know I shouldn’t HAVE to do this but he literally can’t function without it sometimes and I love him and want to make it work, so……

I have an ex who (at the time we were together was undiagnosed adhd) you could not say anything to him without him being defensive and he could not cope with family life at all.

im a lot happier since i divorced him.

to the PP - I didn’t randomly diagnose him but I said to him about 5 years before he was diagnosed that I was pretty sure he had it.

same as my dd - I thought it was a possible from age 7/8 and she didn’t get diagnosed until
14.

ADHD is a developmental disorder. DARVO is a learned coping mechanism. They can go hand in hand as could anything in life. Being ADHD or having ADHD doesn’t make you automatically abusive or nasty. It makes me sad to consistently read this. Yes it’s hard navigating neurodivergence, I am myself. It’s hard receiving negative feedback but I don’t think people would want to hurt another because of this. I mean some do, many NT people also do and what they need is therapy to get to grips with why they hurt those they claim to love. A lot of the issues in life are the coping mechanisms we develop to navigate life and these can be undone.

I understand where youre coming from.
DH is diagnosed ASD and ADHD. He is 'high functioning' as you call it in terms of holding down a successful and demanding career and he is highly intelligent, this is because his career is his "hyper focus'. To outsiders or people who dont know him well, they wouldn't know that he was neurodivergent however, he struggles with social awareness and relationships. I think the key thing is that I can be open and honest with him and he is very reflective and doesn't get angry. We joke about lists and reminders but thats just how we function. He is a loving man and a great dad.
Have you considered PDA?

He may or may not have ADHD. He sounds like he may be aggressive and controlling though, which has nothing particularly to do with ADHD.

He may just be disorganised and not invested in taking the kids swimming. Arguing when criticised is not an ADHD symptom - it’s more likely to be internalising perceived criticism. Being neuro divergent doesn’t mean you’ll be a a wanker. You can just be a wanker

sounds like demand avoidance more than ADHD tbh.

“High functioning” is more closely associated with autism than attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
Some men are just plain nasty.
All the functional adhd men I know; by the time they have married have well developed coping skills; lists and timers,
exercise and coffee.
After decades of being made to feel shit for forgetting XYZ, are sensitive and considerate.

I would have a read about pathological demand avoidance. Difficulties coping with demands (such as the swimming lesson) and loss of autonomy causes a fight/flight/freeze/fawn reaction.

professional help is important for any diagnosis/mental health struggles if you can get your husband to engage with one.