Does anyone have a husband or partner with high functioning ADHD- if so, please talk to me.

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This may sound silly but I have diagnosed my DH with the above. He exemplifies each system on the list. I am finding him really difficult to deal with, in every way at the moment and we argue everyday. I am so exhausted, I cry daily - I cannot say anything to him without him taking it as a criticism and aggressively turning back around to me. For an example - one of many in the last 24 hours - I have reminded him that it is DS’s swimming lesson this morning that he needs to take him to and he instantly became flustered and became angry. DS has had the same swimming lesson for the past 5 weeks! Anyway, I really want to hear from other people who have someone close to them with High functioning ADHD and how you cope.

Perhaps he’s just not coping with the day to day mundane family life that we all struggle with at times. He clearly must have been fine to live with and you didn’t bicker all the time when you married him? If he did have ADHD, he would have been just the same then as he is now.
What even is ‘high functioning’ ADHD?

Are you a medical professional? You can't 'diagnose' a condition like ADHD randomly! That's not a diagnosis 🤷‍♀️

What do you mean by high functioning ADHD? Your one example of swimming lesson isn't very illuminating - we can all get flustered, overwhelmed or irritated in the moment, especially first thing in the morning when rushing to get everything done and get to work. What are you arguing about every day??

I have ADHD and also don't recognise the term "high-functioning". I assume you mean your DH has it but there is nothing "high-functioning" about the reaction you describe him having.

Yeah I have adhd and I maxed out on all the adhd scores so not sure if that is classed as high functioning but I wouldn’t forgot a weekly swimming lesson nor get angry to that degree. So maybe it’s something else, I would seriously look for a clinical diagnoses if he is struggling with adhd. Sounds like he is more manipulating than adhd.

I cannot say anything to him without him taking it as a criticism and aggressively turning back around to me.

what if you knew there were lots of people with adhd who would never get aggressive with their spouse? people who get regularly aggressive with their spouse do it because they are controlling the people around them (you).

I am not minimising your distress, but unless you are a psychiatrist you do not know if your husband has ADHD. Don’t assume. Has he changed recently or has he always been like this? Is he under pressure, eg at work? You two need to sit down and talk calmly.

I'm not sure a diagnosis of ADHD is the problem here...

He doesn't sound very high functioning to me. I have a DH with ADHD (diagnosed) and he functions really well with adjustments that he's learnt over his 50 plus years of life. Not sure I would have described him the same if I had met him in his 20s!
My DH is not defensive or verbally aggressive when he makes mistakes and forgets things, he will self blame. That is your DH's personality, not ADHD. While RSD is a part of ADHD, being a dickhead in response to it is always a choice.

High functioning doesn’t really go with ADHD you either have hyperactive, inattentive or both.

You cannot self diagnose him and you well be wide if the mark here.

He sounds abusive more than anything. His treatment of you is certainly abusive. I would readily assume he does not treat people in the outside world like he does you. It’s no life for your child either with he seeing his dad shouting at you with you crying as a result. What is he going to remember the most about his childhood?.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Forget about he supposedly having high functioning adhd and put your child’s welfare as well as your own first and foremost. Even if he was formally diagnosed with ADHD it’s still no justification or excuse for how you are being treated.

And he is using DARVO (deny attack reverse victory. offender) on you as well which is a behavior many abusive men employ against their chosen target.

Sounds like he’s an AH not ADHD. Arsehole. BTW ADHD/ASD and arsehole are not mutually exclusive.

If he has ADHD then he needs to get properly diagnosed and learn how to cope with it and develop coping strategies, along with trialling medication. It’s not for you to manage for him.

I suggest that you seek support for yourself and work out if you’re willing to put up with his shit treatment of you or not. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You shouldn’t be crying daily. That’s no way to live. Not good for your children either.

I cannot say anything to him without him taking it as a criticism and aggressively turning back around to me.

op has said in her first post she is unable to communicate this way with him? Does she just need to carry on being the only adult? For how long?

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD last December. I suspected for a long time he had it. Same issues you are describing. Seems to be able to function well at work and problem solve and do a great job but switch to home life and parenting he was becoming very very hard to live with.

I naively thought the was all down to the ADHD and we hoped if he had medication it would help (still not medicated as the waiting list is huge)

I now realise he just has a nasty streak within him that he must have kept very well hidden to start with.

Losing his temper frequently over tiny things like you have said. Telling me that I am “triggering him” when I am asking for help.

Needless to say I ended things with him in January. 16 years of wondering how his mood and behaviours are affecting me. It hasn’t been easy and I am parenting on my own (with great support from my parents). I couldn’t allow my son to see his mother being treated this way and he grow up thinking this is normal.

I now realise it isn’t usual to be crying every day and adapting myself or making myself smaller to make sure i don’t “trigger” or upset him.

ND doesn’t entitle someone to treat their partner with total contempt and be nasty and controlling.

I feel free now. The happiest I have been in years and getting back to the fun me who doesn’t seem to trigger or annoy people (was never anyone else only him!)

I have spoken to my therapist about it and she said he was using DARVO on me too.

I really hope you can get some support.

Maybe a therapist or someone you can speak to who will validate you and allow you to realise that this is not you at all.

Take care x

I have ADHD, what does’high functioning’ mean?

I meant to add he was diagnosed at AuDHD essentially Autism and ADHD which is what I suspected. I think he is able to mask while working and is very good at his job. However hits the wall after work and becomes very irritable and grumpy. I presume the OP may also be saying something similar.

what is high functioning ADHD?

i would say your husband is pissed off with you trying to diagnose him with a neurological condition to be honest and not only trying to diagose him but also not even having the least understanding of what it is like to live with and have adhd to begin with. I would certainly say he has a problem but I would think it is his ignorant wife rather than anything else.

That will not go down well on here, however I think its always a mistake to self diagnose anyone with anything. Still if he is ADHD it's better than him being autistic.- women on here hate autistic men.

*High functioning is more of an autism term. It means they almost dont appear to be on the spectrum.

Maybe she IS criticising him though?

Maybe she IS criticising him though?

Do you get aggressive when you’re feeling criticised? 😳

OP, you're confusing male entitlement, emotional abuse and anger issues with ADHD.

Stop making excuses for him and stand up for yourself.

Sorry you’re having such a hard time. Don’t fall back on your own home diagnosis. Rather than one example, if you have issues with your relationship that you want help with, describe them in a more fulsome way. Sounds like he has an anger problem? It might help to insist on couples counselling if you can’t cooperate to run your household together, otherwise you’re going to have to split.

Please stop medicalising something to rationalise poor behaviour, when he is just full of BS. Your hubby is a horrible person that is it. A medical term will not make it any better for you.

Im really sorry it’s hard for you at the moment. I can empathise with you, my DH has ADHD. I’ve learnt to take care of the classes and organising, I find if I show him first what I am doing with the children then it helps him. For example, swimming lessons are organised by me and I attend them. Then he asks about the children’s progress and this encourages him to plan alongside me. I think the biggest element of this disorder (my experience) is a difficulty with executive functioning, so I try and take the pressure off him a bit by doing the organising/ remembering and that seems to work. Then he can get involved in what he feels confident to do at the time (or not). I find this comes back tenfold, he cooks , cleans etc without me asking because he has the emotional bandwidth to deal with those tasks at the time. This is only my experience, and you will find everyone is different.