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Original poster

Husband has a new found sex drive

77 replies

ImperialGoddess · Yesterday 04:50

So, a couple months ago my husband started working out. He honestly has hated working out since we have been together but always had to stay in shape for his job. So he would work out in the minimal amount of time and effort to meet the standards for his job, and stop until they had to test him again. BTW he is phenomenal at his job so thats not an issue.

But I have always been a gym rat. I love working out and lifting heavy.

So to see my husband suddenly go to working out 5x's a week, 2 hours a day is..a bit of a change. We have a 5 year old special needs child and my husband said he's doing it for him. Okay, fair.

But now..he claims he has a higher sex drive. He is 39. I am 42 and perimenopausal, I am on HRT and my sex drive is very scarce.. which its been that way for a while. Which is naturally for a woman of my age to go through, right? Like there are stages of life...ugh, anyway.

A couple weeks ago my husband was complaining about how he now masturbates 2x a day and wants to know why I have no sex drive because he wants to have sex with me all the time. He has been very touchy feely, telling me how sexy and pretty I am, and likes to make note of his weight loss and how he is looking better and its so damn annoying. While I do appreciate his hard work in the gym, I did tell him he can't do it for just looking better or expecting me to "jump him" because he's getting more muscles because its not going to happen. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and sex is the last thing I want. He doesn't get it.

Like tonight was my night off after our son went down, I took a bath and my husband came in, took a shower, then came out in a towel and tried to kneel next to the tub to" watch my show with me"..like dude! I'm naked..I know what you're going to try..go away!

Does anyone else deal with this? We have been together 11 years and it's not like this man has been deprived. I just don't have the sex drive I had in my thirties, before I became a SAHM to a special needs child, taking care of the house, cars, animals, bills, finances, ect. While still working out and I recently started to work P/T too. Can anyone else relate? What do I do?

OP posts:
dh280125 · Yesterday 08:12

42 isn’t that unusual to feel the way you do, but maybe it’s unusual to not miss that connection and desire. Personally I’d invest in some expensive lube and schedule some intimate time. Do you then get into it? Sometimes you just need to get the car into gear. Why bother? The great killer of later stage relationships is when couples end up living and then feeling like room mates rather than mates.

Applestroodle · Yesterday 08:12

Sparrowsandbudgies · Yesterday 08:08

I agree (I also have a teen Ds with autism and complex needs for context, I’d be really pissed off if my dh started going to the gym most days for 2 hours at a time)!

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Despite the fact the OP is also a self confessed “gym rat”?

Sherararara · Yesterday 08:16

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 05:06

Your husband is going to the gym 5x a week for 2 hrs at a time and he says he is doing it for your child?! Pull the other one! What a joke - he is doing it for himself and no-one else.

I would be wondering why there has been a sudden change in behaviour and what is driving this.

Ah I could have put money on this being the first response. Peak MN. Do you have it saved somewhere so you can copy and paste it into every thread?
You missed the part where he wants to have sex WITH HIS WIFE. He’s not playing around, he’s fitter and has more energy and has a higher sex drive. Not rocket science.

Sherararara · Yesterday 08:17

dh280125 · Yesterday 08:12

42 isn’t that unusual to feel the way you do, but maybe it’s unusual to not miss that connection and desire. Personally I’d invest in some expensive lube and schedule some intimate time. Do you then get into it? Sometimes you just need to get the car into gear. Why bother? The great killer of later stage relationships is when couples end up living and then feeling like room mates rather than mates.

Agree with this.

Doozycan · Yesterday 08:22

FannybygaslightinGovan · Yesterday 06:16

That's nice but you do know this thread isn't about you and your DH shagging like rabbits?

Do you have any helpful advice for the OP?

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Bunny rabbits reproducton

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 08:26

Sherararara · Yesterday 08:16

Ah I could have put money on this being the first response. Peak MN. Do you have it saved somewhere so you can copy and paste it into every thread?
You missed the part where he wants to have sex WITH HIS WIFE. He’s not playing around, he’s fitter and has more energy and has a higher sex drive. Not rocket science.

Show quote history

There is no suggestion in my reply that he might be playing around - that is your interpretation.

I will repeat again. He says the reason he is going to the gym is for his son. No way would this be his main motivation.

I also questioned why the sudden change - nowhere have I suggested another woman. There must be a reason behind a change in behaviour and that would be what I want to know.

Sparrowsandbudgies · Yesterday 08:26

dh280125 · Yesterday 08:12

42 isn’t that unusual to feel the way you do, but maybe it’s unusual to not miss that connection and desire. Personally I’d invest in some expensive lube and schedule some intimate time. Do you then get into it? Sometimes you just need to get the car into gear. Why bother? The great killer of later stage relationships is when couples end up living and then feeling like room mates rather than mates.

I think you’ve got no experience of what it’s like to have your libido vanish, which can happen for many, many reasons. The idea of lubing up and whatever else is stomach churning if you don’t have any desire for it.

BandyAid · Yesterday 08:34

Sounds like he is trying to connect with you
Tell him how you'd like to be connected with. E.g. what'd make me feel more relaxed is if you swapped one of your gym sessions for a night where you make dinner, and we relax together watching tv. (Or whatever it is you'd like). Surely there's a middle ground here where you respond to his attention a bit more but he understands that you are not wanting lots and lots of sex.

Palavermalarkey · Yesterday 08:37

The great killer of late stage relationships is when couples end up living and then feeling like room mates rather than mates.

This. Mismatched sex drives happen. With us it was mainly a time of day issue. But we dealt with it via "cosy wanks" basically! No-one should feel pressured for PIV when they're not up for it/too tired/kids forever waking up. But when it was my urges that were the problem, DW would just lie next to me & tell me she liked seeing me "doing all the work". She'd sometimes lend a hand, sometimes not. It did the business - it was intimacy, just not full sex.

moderate · Yesterday 08:42

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 08:26

There is no suggestion in my reply that he might be playing around - that is your interpretation.

I will repeat again. He says the reason he is going to the gym is for his son. No way would this be his main motivation.

I also questioned why the sudden change - nowhere have I suggested another woman. There must be a reason behind a change in behaviour and that would be what I want to know.

Show quote history

If, as you claim, you don’t have a theory for why he’s doing it, why have you rejected outright the notion that he’s doing it for his son?

I started going to the gym a year ago because I read the book “Outlive” and I decided I wanted to lessen my chances of becoming a burden on anyone. Turns out it’s quite satisfying to see progress but I wouldn’t describe myself as “enjoying” it in the moment. What’s your theory of mind for people like me?

momager22 · Yesterday 08:45

Exercise can naturally increase testosterone levels which in turn can affect sex drive. He’s also probably feeling more energetic and body- confident as a result of the fitness.
I agree he shouldn’t be pestering you for sex bur also you both need to find a way to have your needs met.

ladykale · Yesterday 08:45

Is it normal to have such a low sex drive at only 42?

don’t see anything wrong with husband being interested in you - we would complain if he was getting it outside.

csn you get a babysitter for your son one day a week to ease pressure / tiredness?

WitchOfTheFireworks · Yesterday 08:47

Palavermalarkey · Yesterday 08:37

The great killer of late stage relationships is when couples end up living and then feeling like room mates rather than mates.

This. Mismatched sex drives happen. With us it was mainly a time of day issue. But we dealt with it via "cosy wanks" basically! No-one should feel pressured for PIV when they're not up for it/too tired/kids forever waking up. But when it was my urges that were the problem, DW would just lie next to me & tell me she liked seeing me "doing all the work". She'd sometimes lend a hand, sometimes not. It did the business - it was intimacy, just not full sex.

What's "cosy wanks"?🤣😂😅

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 08:49

moderate · Yesterday 08:42

If, as you claim, you don’t have a theory for why he’s doing it, why have you rejected outright the notion that he’s doing it for his son?

I started going to the gym a year ago because I read the book “Outlive” and I decided I wanted to lessen my chances of becoming a burden on anyone. Turns out it’s quite satisfying to see progress but I wouldn’t describe myself as “enjoying” it in the moment. What’s your theory of mind for people like me?

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That the motivation is for yourself to change first and foremost and for you to get the benefits from this. Those positive consequences affect other parts of your life.

I think the OP's partner main motivation is to feel better, gain confidence and get more sex! Being able to help his son is a bonus but not the driving factor.

moderate · Yesterday 09:01

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 08:49

That the motivation is for yourself to change first and foremost and for you to get the benefits from this. Those positive consequences affect other parts of your life.

I think the OP's partner main motivation is to feel better, gain confidence and get more sex! Being able to help his son is a bonus but not the driving factor.

Edited
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So you cannot get your head around someone doing something for the benefit of someone else.

What a sorry way to live.

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 09:04

moderate · Yesterday 09:01

So you cannot get your head around someone doing something for the benefit of someone else.

What a sorry way to live.

Show quote history

Nope. That is not what I said. This is about this man's motivation to go to the gym. This isn't about all aspects of life.

Meteorite87 · Yesterday 09:08

Motnight · Yesterday 07:44

He works out for 2 hours each day and also wanks twice a day? I guess that his parenting takes second / third place to that then.

I was reading, wondering if he could use some of his newly discovered energy to do more to parent his child.

GreyCarpet · Yesterday 09:11

I think the issue here is that he's identified an issue in the relationship and is trying to fix it.

The problem is that because he's only identified that a lack of sex is the issue, this is all that he's trying to fix rather than realising it's a systemic issue.

OP, I believe that if you want your sex drive issue to he addressed, it might he worth going back to the GP. They can add testosterone to your prescription (I don't know how it works, I'm not on HRT) which some women find helps.

That would be entirely up to you but I agree with the poster who said it is unusual to lose your sex drive completely in your early 40s. If its a case of you don't want sex at all it might he worth looking into. If its that you don't want sex with him specifically, that's probably a different conversation.

You shouldn't have sex you don't want but you are both very young to accept a sexless relationship and he is unlikely to be ok with it indefinitely as would be the case with anyone. Thats not a flaw on his part.

The problem is that when you lose your libido, there is nothing less appealing than sex. You can't just get a bit of lube. Thats not the issue, it's a whole system shutdown.

So, you're exhausted. Is there anyway around that? Any workarounds to take some of the pressure off - you sound like you're doing a lot and it becomes the classic case of sex just being one more job you've got to do at the end of the day when you've got nothing left to give.

Unfortunately, he's doing what a lot of men do in these situations, he's just trying to fix the sex issue by being more available for sex and that just shuts you down further if you don't want it.

Have you actually had a conversation about it?

GreyCarpet · Yesterday 09:12

Meteorite87 · Yesterday 09:08

I was reading, wondering if he could use some of his newly discovered energy to do more to parent his child.

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This basically.

Perhaps if he took some of the pressure off that would help.

moderate · Yesterday 09:16

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 09:04

Nope. That is not what I said. This is about this man's motivation to go to the gym. This isn't about all aspects of life.

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You claim to have particular insight into this man’s motivations. On what do you base this claim?

I told you what my motivations were and you ignored them in favour of a worldview I rather pity you for.

LlamasDramas · Yesterday 09:24

moderate · Yesterday 09:16

You claim to have particular insight into this man’s motivations. On what do you base this claim?

I told you what my motivations were and you ignored them in favour of a worldview I rather pity you for.

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Your circumstances are entirely different to the OP's partner. If this man cared so much about his son like he claims, then he would spend more time with him and not in the gym.

dottiedodah · Yesterday 09:27

I agree with PP who said that DH wont find it difficult to find an Affair partner sadly .39 is still a young man .I think you would be wise to try and talk and feel a bit closer if u can .Children with special needs are difficult for the best of RL, and its easy to get overwhelmed with care .

Becomingolder · Yesterday 09:30

DoubleShotEspressox · Yesterday 06:31

@FannybygaslightinGovan Yeah I read it but honestly it sounds like whining. We are all exhausted when raising kids working house bla bla bla.

I’m never suggesting sexual coercion but there needs to be a middle ground instead otherwise you’re just roommates. Ie effort on both sides.

He’s trying here - she’s repulsed by him?!

But is he putting the effort in if he is out of the house all day for work and then spending two hours in the gym. How much time does that leave to 'put the effort in' with his wife and family?

BrilliantBetty · Yesterday 09:34

My mind goes straight to … he’s having an affair / has a gym crush / wants sex inside and outside the marriage. He’s obviously got the major horn and it didn’t just come from increasing exercise.. he’s mentally sexually stimulated too.
Not saying it in a way as to blame him, I think sexual attraction outside of LT relationships can be normal.

Munchkinjack · Yesterday 09:35

Op should maybe cut down her workout time try testosterone gel , get her libido back maybe the spark will flair again . Wanking twice a day does seem a tad extreme tho lol