Toxic MIL obsessed with ‘kindness‘

[Thebestdaysofourlife]

Need some advice on how to deal with my MIL. She is obsessed with ‘kindness’ and everything she does has to be kind, she judges everyone else based on how kind she perceives them to be.

She does lots of things that we don’t like but if we ask her not to, she sulks as she was only being kind. Basically if we ever disagree with her then we are nasty people as she was just doing what she did or said with kindness. Examples - she reorganised all my kitchen cupboards one afternoon whilst babysitting, DH told her it was she had overstepped the mark, she got upset as she was being kind. We went on a day out and the children were behaving badly, I told them off and she was cuddling them saying I didn’t mean what I said - again she was only saying it with kindness. The crux of it is that her actions can only ever be good as they were meant with good intentions.

Earlier this year she had a bad mental health episode which unfortunately coincided with the birth of DC3 and also me being extremely ill and needing major surgery, DH had to get quite firm with her to arrange proper help for her (she wanted him to move in with her whilst I was caring for 3 DC, one a newborn, having just had major surgery) and now she says he was unkind in the way he spoke to her and she can’t forgive him.

How can we deal with this? It’s causing a lot of friction. She hasn’t got any other family at all so it feels incredibly mean to cut her off. We live close to her and every time we see her it’s ending in an argument. I dropped in with the DCs a couple of nights ago and she wouldn’t let me in!

Stop arguing! Just let it go over your head and be kind . . .

If she won't let you in, she's solved your problem. "We are being kind by giving you some space, and recognising your boundaries". Job done

So she can't forgive him, and she won't let you in? Sounds like shes doing you guys a favour. Let her have her tantrum, and distance yourself hugely. Shes a knob. Anyone who has to point out how kind they are all the time, really really isn't. She doesnt listen to you, and therefore has no respect for you. Just back away fast.

She's manipulative. Let her have her sulk.

She’s upset at how her son spoke to her when he refused to help because his wife was unwell and he had three children including a new born? Let her be upset, this is not your or Dhs problem.

You took the children around and she wouldn’t let you in? Don’t drop round again.

She undermined your parenting when you disciplined your children? Explain that if she does it again she can’t come on outings with you again,

She thinks you are unkind, not kind or could be kinder? So what? She doesn’t sound like she’s particularly kind herself.

Absolutely nothing kind about her behaviour. She sounds very manipulative.

My MIL is like this. I felt better after reading about the drama triangle. She is playing the role of victim and rescuer (a rescuer noone needs or wants !) and making anyone who questions her role the perpetrator. Google it, I'm butchering the explanation!

Edited to add : I felt better because I learned to drop the rope and just step out of the drama triangle. Let her get on with it.

Surely it’s not kind to not let you in? She’s a knob.

He was helping - he had been going round in the night to be with her until he realised it was way bigger than he could cope with - she wouldn’t cooperate with the help he was organising so he had to speak to her quite firmly.

The crux of it is, we have to agree with her, go along with anything she wants as she’s always only doing so out of kindness.

Take the win. You've bought yourself some respite from her manipulative nonsense.

we have to agree with her, go along with anything she wants

You don't. Your husband can, all he wants, leave him to it.

Yep this is what I would do .. she’s bought it on herself

This is exactly like my MIL- except hers is ‘helping’. Everything she does is ‘to help’ someone- problem is, they don’t ask for her help or want it, and the help is all on her terms, so it often upsets people and causes offence. It’s taken me a long time to realise that it’s actually incredibly selfish of her- to force her own ‘help’ onto everyone and actually she is doing this to make herself feel good. She’s not doing it to make the other people feel good- well if it works then that’s a double win, but her motivation is to make herself feel good; before the other persons’ own feelings. I feel like it’s an incredibly manipulative behaviour and means she is never really responsible because she ‘was only trying to help!’

Is your MIL religious? Mine had a strict and religious upbringing and I think she feels huge guilt at just being herself. Her entire self worth is based on helping people. She even went into a job where she could ‘help people’. Ironically I think this encouraged her to walk over people’s boundaries because it made her feel she knew best; better than the people she was helping even.
She has fallen out with many many people; but it’s always something they have taken issue with, and she’s just let them go - I suspect if you ask them what happened they would say she was out of line / didn’t listen to them / hugely overstepped in a delicate situation.
I take her with a pinch of salt and I keep her at arms distance really because I don’t trust her authenticity- it’s fake and I know it is because she will ignore my own wishes (about things I deem - and she’s seems- important; my child, breastfeeding was a big one, ‘helping’ around my house) and the fact she ignores my wishes makes me feel she doesn’t really care for me much actually; just herself. I do stay civil and friendly and I don’t restrict her access to grandchildren etc etc.

Maybe you can relate to some of this!! X

She's weaponised kindness which is essentially unkind, she's doing it to manipulate, intentionally or otherwise. Don't engage with it.

Sometimes you have to be “cruel” to be kind. Remind her of that.

The crux of it is, we have to agree with her, go along with anything she wants as she’s always only doing so out of kindness.. No you don’t. You can let her experience the disappointment of her kindness not being welcome. She has allowed you to feel rejected and dh to feel criticised. Your job is not to isolate her from reality.

She needs to think through what “kindness” is. It isn’t kind to overstep, because you upset people. Nor is it kind to overburden your family, because they might burn out and become ill. Etc. she has to be forced to articulate the consequences of her “kindness”. Maybe compare someone “kindly” giving a treat with nuts in to a kid with a nut allergy. “Kindness” isn’t as simple as intentions, if the consequences are toxic or harmful then you weren’t being kind you were being selfish.

A few weekends ago we went round as DH was putting up some shelves for her. The DCs were being whiney and miserable as they had a late night, so when DH was finished we said we would get them home. Invited MIL over for dinner but she said no, which is absolutely fine.

Except as DH went back to get his tools before leaving, she ‘announced’ that she just needed to say she was sorry for ‘all the trouble she caused’. DH asked her to elaborate as he was a bit confused and she wouldn’t, just went into the house and wouldn’t engage with us any more. It wasn’t any trouble to DH to put the shelves up and we only left as the DCs were getting bored and miserable but we were left feeling guilty and wondering what we had done wrong, which feels wrong, as now the situation is all about MIL again.

Vulnerable narcissism. Worse, perhaps, than the standard kind.

Feeling guilty is optional. You know she's manipulating you for attention and her own amusement, so grey-rock her. Her 'apology' should be met with a breezy 'no worries, byeeee!' or 'ok!'. It's on your husband to manage all contact with the woman, don't get involved in her attention seeking.

Tell her you are being kind to yourself by keeping her away
.

Ah, a tyrant in simpering clothing.

@Thebestdaysofourlife you need to wise up, I'm afraid, and take a very hard look at the effect this woman has on the people around her.

Guilt, bafflement, frustration, annoyance and anger aren't the results a genuinely good woman spreads around her.

At best she's a frenemy; but honestly she's more toxic than that. People like her like to rule the roost, while pretending to be everyone's helper.

If you don't watch out, she'll train your children into being confused and guilt ridden little people, too.

I think you need to drop the rope, stop buying into her games, tell her when she oversteps (and simply ignore the covert screams of rage that will follow) and treat her like a difficult customer that you have to handle civilly.

She's not your friend, and she's not trustworthy.

Here's what stood out to me and it might possibly help you, if you focus on it too. You said MIL had a bad mental health episode. Okay, so that tells you right there that she has significant mental health issues. Yet you and DH seem to be forgetting that when she gets to you?

I know it's easier said than done but it seems to me the easiest way to get to a better place when dealing with MIL is to remember that she has mental health issues and therefore, disengage emotionally as much as possible. Of course, they can also be very manipulative with their tactics.

I have a book on my reading stack that you might want to look into (though, full disclosure, I haven't actually read it yet, just skimmed it). It's a bestseller called The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. It helps with that kind of thing, with not being drawn into other people's drama, though I'm sure plenty of practice is required!

Also, her kind of hiding behind "I was only being kind" sounds to me like it means a lot to her to have it acknowledged that she didn't intend to cause whatever problem she caused or didn't realize she was causing a problem or that she meant well. Okay, so maybe she'd be able to accept criticism better if you started it with "I know you didn't mean to but..." Or if she says it, agree that you're sure she did mean to be kind and you appreciate the thought. Or even say, "Oh no. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Sometimes it's just hard to be corrected and people's knee-jerk reaction is to want to defend themselves, even when they're obviously in the wrong, and even if they don't have any mental health issues. A little extra niceness can go a long way (sometimes). Good luck!

Honestly, be thankful for the peace. You know that she isn't kind if she is doing things in your home and with your children that she knows you don't like. She's very manipulative and is using the pretext of being kind to get her own way.

I'd be really happy that she was refusing to see you and you should stop trying to pander to her by going round and giving her the opportunity to reject you.

She obviously doesn't have any friends and there is a reason for that.

You’ve said she had a serious mental health ‘episode’. Perhaps this is the crux of the matter. Could she be starting with dementiaWhy was your DH being ‘firm’ with her when she was mentally unwell? That sounds controlling to me. If she won’t let you in the house then that’s your problem solved.