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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have to tell DH my secret to save my marriage

68 replies

forthisthread · 01/07/2008 13:07

When I was 12 I was abused sexually, once by a relative. I've never told anyone. I have never felt like it affected my relationship with DH but now I know it has.

We have been together for 12 years and have 2 dc (5 and 2). For about the past 6 years we have a recurring problem with me not feeling comfortable about sex, and him feeling unloved. He tries to get to the bottom of the problem and I block him, I sometimes make him feel like he has a problem, when I know it's me .

Once, not long after we met I almost told him about the abuse, but bottled out. I think he knows something of that nature has happened and wants me to talk, but I can't. I clam up and feel almost mute when it comes to saying it out loud even to myself.

Now we have reached crisis as DH has said he can't go on anymore. He loves me and I love him but we can't go on like this.

So now I have to tell him. And I think I'll do it tonight. I am scared of his reaction. Scared he will think nothing major enough happened to cause me this much grief. I'm scared he will confide in someone else and my shame of the whole episode is still so enormous that I couldn't bear anyone knowing what happened. I'm scared he will make me face up to feelings I've never faced before.

I don't know what I'm after from mn - maybe just some moral support. And I feel better for writing it down.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far x

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 01/07/2008 13:09

He will take you in his arms and cuddle you and ask you why you said nothing before - it won't be scary it will be the start of a better time for the pair of you.

Good Luck but believe me he won't be argue or disgusted he will just want to make everything ok.

Tortington · 01/07/2008 13:09

xxx

TheProvincialLady · 01/07/2008 13:11

Good for you. Do it tonight. It won't be easy but it will make a big difference and I am sure that he will respect your wish not to share or confide in anyone else.

I am positive that he will not take it lightly or think that your are overplaying your trauma. In my experience people who have not been sexually abused are even more horrified and upset for you than people who have been.

Have you considered counselling? It might help both of you actually, especially if your DH is not allowed to confide in anyone else. He will have a lot of feelings to work through as well and he may not be able to do that with you for fear of upsetting you further.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you

Sobernow · 01/07/2008 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo · 01/07/2008 13:11

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is a difficult step to take, but things will be so much better after you have told him.

Have you ever had councelling to deal with this?

Tell him that you don't want him to tell anyone.
IF you have difficulty saying what happened could you write it down and give it to him? You can always completely destroy it once he has read it. MAke it ceremonial.

scorpio1 · 01/07/2008 13:11

he will try to make you better, he will not be ashamed or disgusted or anything.

maybe if you wrote it to him, if you can't say it?

x x

cocolepew · 01/07/2008 13:12

Would it be easier for you to write it down. or show him this post. xx

cocolepew · 01/07/2008 13:12

x-posts, sorry

krugerparkrules · 01/07/2008 13:12

I am sure when you open up to your dh he will understand so much, and parts of the puzzle will click for him - its hard to trust someone with the truth, but i guess as you have found out, sometimes it is harder to live evading it ... i think your dh will understand and not think it is a minor issue - and i am sure he will retain your confidence ...
You are very brave for having to go through this, (first as a child, and now reliving it as an adult) and you seem to have done so well for yourself despite someone you trusted abusing you. (which just shows what an amazing person you are) You are the hero in this, you deserve love and acceptance and understanding, and i feel that you will get it from your dh ... perhraps you could ask your dr to recommend you to counselling to talk through these issues with your dh so he understands your need for privacy, and how it has affected you, and that you can work together, safely and at your pace towards reconciling both of your needs.
I really hope it goes well for your tonight ...

PrettyCandles · 01/07/2008 13:13

If it's too frightening to start the conversation, print out your posting (text only!) and show it to him.

CountessDracula · 01/07/2008 13:15

Oh goodness
You poor thing

I should imagine he will go through a whole range of emotions about it. Have you had counselling about it? I would think it would be good to try and sort something out.

issyissyissy · 01/07/2008 13:16

Good for you to start talking about it. Tell him tonight. He will probably react better than you think. I went through a similar thing, and telling my dh made us closer. At least your dh will know the problem rather than thinking it is a problem between the 2 of you. Can you get counselling, either privately or through your gp? That should help you to come to terms with it. The thing that helped me was thinking that I wasn't going to let "him" get the better of me and that I was stronger than the event. Life now is worth far more than that one happening. xxx

lackaDAISYcal · 01/07/2008 13:16

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and i'm sure your Dh will be as supportive as he can be and that should be respecting your wishes not to tell anyone about this. I agree with the suggestions of counselling though; help to get over this and work through your ongoing issues is out there if you want it .
I can understand how difficult it must be to tell him in words and the suggestion of writing him a letter is a good one. Alternatively, can you print this thread off and show it to him?

CountessDracula · 01/07/2008 13:16

You have to think about the positives, that will give you courage. Imagine after you have worked through it how much better your relationship will be. Why should you have to bear this on your own?

misselizabethbennett · 01/07/2008 13:17

I think it's a brilliant idea to show him this post. And conselling might help too - it seems that you've never talked about this.

Incidentally, your post suggests that for 6 years of your relationship you were able to feel comfortable about sex and your DH did feel loved. So you know this can happen for you. You are not a lost cause.

Sad for you. Good luck x

Original poster

forthisthread · 01/07/2008 13:18

Thank you all, you have me in tears!

I think I've convinced myself that it wasn't serious enough to cause a problem. I thought I was strong enough to deal with it on my own and counselling never even occurred to me. I've been blind and missed that I haven't dealt with it at all, and now I feel guilty for being a crap wife and a coward.

I might show him the thread. I still feel like I can't say the words and it might help.

Thank you so much for your support.

OP posts:

Psychomum5 · 01/07/2008 13:19

show him this thread.....it may be easier, and then he can read it and come to you once he has taken it all in.

I feel for you, I really do. I was abused as a child (by my stepfather), but it was discovered and altho no action was taken (about which I am still very bitter), it also meant that it is 'known' and so my DH knows all about it meaning no secrets...and in fact, had it not been for DH, I would not have been so able to deal with it.......his love was inconditional, we have worked thro my issues together, and altho yes, we do have probs at times sexually, it is more down to gynae probs now rather than hangups IYGWIM.

and then, go to the docs together and ask for councelling, as if you will feel better for it. none of this is your fault, but you have kept so much inside you are being effected as an adult, as a wife, and (maybe not yet) probably as a mum too, as you may end up much more protective. It has affected my 'mum-ness'........I am so aware of men around me and also far more protective than my friends who have not been abused.

take care later....be kind to yourself, and don;t be too scared....if he loves you he will listen.

Fanella · 01/07/2008 13:21

oh forthisthread, you are being very brave and doing the right thing - and I'm sure your dh will be supportive and loving towards you.

It's a horrible, difficult step to take but once you have I'm sure things will start to feel easier. Wishing you strength for tonight - you can do it...

misselizabethbennett · 01/07/2008 13:21

Don't you dare bandy words like 'crap wife' and 'coward' around here young lady!

You have been through something I couldn't even imagine, and you must be kind to yourself.

lackaDAISYcal · 01/07/2008 13:21

You are not a coward and you are certainly not a crap wife. Dealing with this on your own, as you have until now, must have taken enormous courage. And you wanting to tell DH about it now it is getting to be an issue between you says to me that you are a fab wife who wants to make things better.

Good Luck xx

Original poster

forthisthread · 01/07/2008 13:27

Ok, I will be kinder to myself

But now I am so angry with myself for letting it come to this because I've been scared to talk about it.

OP posts:

NewlyMarried · 01/07/2008 13:28

Tell him everything you have said in this thread. I am sure he will put two and two together and realise a lot of things are because of what you have experienced.

You need to tell him so that he can listen to you and support you. Don't let this ruin your marriage, take a deep breath, cry, stutter, whatever you need to do. Have the courage and tell him. You will probably find that by confiding in him, you will have a stronger relationship.

Take care and good luck.

TheProvincialLady · 01/07/2008 13:31

No sense in looking back or being angry with yourself for not being able to do it sooner. You were scared and you thought you could deal with it yourself. Now you are able to say something and you recognise that it might help your relationship. That is a positive, not a negative thing

ginnedup · 01/07/2008 13:54

The most important thing is that this is not your fault. The shame should lie with your abuser and not with you, which is something which counselling will help you come to terms with.
You are also not a "crap wife" or a "coward". You are a very brave person to be able to confront this, many people don't.
When you tell him, be prepared for any reaction - he might be angry (not with you but on your behalf) and he might need a while to digest it before he feels he can talk about it rationally.
You are doing the right thing by opening up about it, but I can't recommend counselling enough. It is a big thing to go through alone and you will need help to unravel the thoughts in your head.
Good luck - let us know how it goes

Hassled · 01/07/2008 13:59

You're so far from a coward - you've been very brave posting this and realising you need to talk to your DH. And just keep telling yourself how much better you will be feeling this time tomorrow - it will be like a weight's been lifted. Will be thinking of you.

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