I have to tell DH my secret to save my marriage

[forthisthread]

When I was 12 I was abused sexually, once by a relative. I've never told anyone. I have never felt like it affected my relationship with DH but now I know it has.

We have been together for 12 years and have 2 dc (5 and 2). For about the past 6 years we have a recurring problem with me not feeling comfortable about sex, and him feeling unloved. He tries to get to the bottom of the problem and I block him, I sometimes make him feel like he has a problem, when I know it's me .

Once, not long after we met I almost told him about the abuse, but bottled out. I think he knows something of that nature has happened and wants me to talk, but I can't. I clam up and feel almost mute when it comes to saying it out loud even to myself.

Now we have reached crisis as DH has said he can't go on anymore. He loves me and I love him but we can't go on like this.

So now I have to tell him. And I think I'll do it tonight. I am scared of his reaction. Scared he will think nothing major enough happened to cause me this much grief. I'm scared he will confide in someone else and my shame of the whole episode is still so enormous that I couldn't bear anyone knowing what happened. I'm scared he will make me face up to feelings I've never faced before.

I don't know what I'm after from mn - maybe just some moral support. And I feel better for writing it down.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far x

Well done and I'm so glad you're feeling better and can face a lovely future together. x

PS you're right - MN is great.

Well done. I read your thread yesterday but didn't have anything to add that hadn't been said by those with more knowledge than me.

Do you feel 'lighter' now?

I'm so pleased for you.

(and yes, also welling up)

Well done you, and well done your lovely dh. And well done MN!

Thank you all again.

Buda - yes I do feel lighter now! It's very strange. I went to sleep feeling exhausted but not in a bad way. I felt almost like I was floating when I got up this morning.

I have spoken to DH at work today. He is feeling anger on my behalf now for what happened. My instinct is to tell him not to be angry, but I suppose I should just let him feel it.

Oh I am weeping for you. I am so glad you and your DH have reconnected. You have done so well

Great news
Well done you (and him)

forthisthread, well done you, you have taken a huge step in coming on from what happened to you now, and in saving your marriage. Please dont be suprised if you still have the odd bad day, and dont put too much pressure on yourself to be 'better' now you have said. I told my husband nearly 5 years ago now and still have the odd shaky days. I hope things keep on the up for you xxx

Well Done you! And Well done to your DH as he sounds very supportive

Let him feel angry, its a natural reaction to something like this. He'd be heartless if he didn't.
I'm so pleased for you and he sounds like a brilliant and supportive dh!
Do go and get some counselling though - it will help you to clear this from your head once and for all and then you can get on with enjoying your life.
All the best
x

Hi Starlight

Yes, he is the first and only person I've ever told. I understand his anger, it's just a shock for me because I'm not and never have been an angry person by nature.

We are both starting to talk about the damage that has been done. It's hard trying to work out which of our marital problems have been caused by the abuse, which have been caused by the secrecy and which are just normal couple problems.

Telling someone after 20 years is bringing back some unpleasant memories for me . I haven't talked to him about what happened yet - neither of us is ready. He is still coming to terms with the fact that we have a future. He was ready to leave me because of our problems. He is scared that we won't get through it and I spent most of last night reassuring him. I feel drained, but know that I owe him this.

We are having an evening of not talking about it tonight. We are going to switch off and probably watch a comedy

You know what
my dh feels angry with my Great-Aunt who is the only person in my family (other than me) with Crohn's Disease. he feels that she gave it to me. Totally irrational but that's how he feels! That she has hurt the person he loves.

So your dh's reaction entirely understandable and rational.

Forthisthread, you are fantastic. What a huge and frightening step to take, and you took it! And what a gem of a man you picked for your husband . You really give each other strength, I think.

I had PND years ago, and my dh was a total rock. But, when I was almost recovered, something nasty happened at his work that almost sent him into a depression. It was only then, when he was troubled, that I realised how we lean upon each other and we support each other - a strong relationship is not a one-way street.

I wish you love and strength and support for each other on the next step of your journey together.

Thank you prettycandles, and to everyone else who has said such kind and supportive things to me.

I had issues over control, which I can only now see were to do with the abuse. I'm amazed that I couldn't see this before, it seems so obvious now.

But I can feel some of my old habits changing already. There have been two incidents today which, in the past, would have had me feeling cold or angry towards DH. But today they didn't bother me at all.

I feel like I must have been in denial for so long, and finally telling someone that it happened means I can face up to my feelings and change my reactions to stuff.

just caught up with your thread forthisthread. I'm so glad that you have talked and that you can go on and move your marriage forward from this point. I have no expereince of this, but i can certainly understand his anger. I hope the two of you can work things out and that this makes your bind all the stronger.

Take Care xx