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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have to tell DH my secret to save my marriage

68 replies

forthisthread · 01/07/2008 13:07

When I was 12 I was abused sexually, once by a relative. I've never told anyone. I have never felt like it affected my relationship with DH but now I know it has.

We have been together for 12 years and have 2 dc (5 and 2). For about the past 6 years we have a recurring problem with me not feeling comfortable about sex, and him feeling unloved. He tries to get to the bottom of the problem and I block him, I sometimes make him feel like he has a problem, when I know it's me .

Once, not long after we met I almost told him about the abuse, but bottled out. I think he knows something of that nature has happened and wants me to talk, but I can't. I clam up and feel almost mute when it comes to saying it out loud even to myself.

Now we have reached crisis as DH has said he can't go on anymore. He loves me and I love him but we can't go on like this.

So now I have to tell him. And I think I'll do it tonight. I am scared of his reaction. Scared he will think nothing major enough happened to cause me this much grief. I'm scared he will confide in someone else and my shame of the whole episode is still so enormous that I couldn't bear anyone knowing what happened. I'm scared he will make me face up to feelings I've never faced before.

I don't know what I'm after from mn - maybe just some moral support. And I feel better for writing it down.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far x

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2008 14:05

You are not at fault here - all the blame lies with the abuser who abused your childhood trust completely.

You may both find this webpage useful as well as your husband will also need support too:-

www.napac.org.uk

OneLieIn · 01/07/2008 14:07

I am sure your Dh would be totally supportive of you in this. this is not your fault and may explain everything to him.

Do it - my DH knows all my shitty past and it has only strengthened our relationship.

Positive thoughts coming your way.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 01/07/2008 14:08

Oh good for you. I'm sure that you will feel a real weight lift off your shoulders when you speak with your husband. I'll be thinking of you - I'm sure it will go very well and he will be very supportive.

Original poster

forthisthread · 01/07/2008 16:27

Hi, thanks for the further messages, and the link to website. DH will be home at 6ish. We'll talk when the children are in bed.

I feel anxious. I wish it was tomorrow morning.

OP posts:

colditz · 01/07/2008 16:30

You are feeling the shame and disgust you felt at 12 but don't transfer this to him - he will not be ashamed or disgusted.

You did not cause this to happen, and people who have not been abused and had this huge burden of shame foisted upon them know this.

Kimi · 01/07/2008 16:46

Oh sweetheart you are being so brave, good luck

Original poster

forthisthread · 01/07/2008 16:51

Thank you. The 'shame' is hard to describe. I know it's not my fault. I remember being savvy enough to think that as soon as it happened.

But I couldn't bear for anyone to know that that had happened to me. I couldn't tell my mother because we came from a family that never talked about anything. As the years went on it became something that happened in the past and it didn't seem relevent to the present, so it just stayed buried.

I still wonder how a one off incident has marked me so badly. I feel I should have gotton over it. I read about people who suffer sustained abuse and I feel like they have a right to be messed-up, but I don't.

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 01/07/2008 16:53

you were abused - whether one off or continued.

YOu have a right to be upset.

You also have a right to a life.

This is a huge step on the way to that.

HarlotOTara · 01/07/2008 16:54

I was abused at 13 and it has affected my relationship with my husband - he knows and is very understanding. YOur husband will be and maybe once he knows you might be able to get help for something that isn't your fault. The feelings of shame are so tied up with abuse but and take it from someone who has also felt immense shame, those feelings don't belong with you - probably won't stop you feeling it but try and hold onto the fact it isn't.

If you have never spoken about this before then you are being incredibly brave and I hope you will feel immensely better for telling your husband. Massive hug and loads of positive vibes coming your way.

justageek · 01/07/2008 16:58

the best thing i did was telling my Dh about the abuse from a cousin in my childhood. He said it helped him understand me so much better. I am sure you will find this will be the same for you.

You know, in some ways, as long as you are living in your abusers shadow, he or she still has some form of cotrol over you. You may find by telling your DH you will start to break away from the old habits of thinking about what you went through.

xxx

pagwatch · 01/07/2008 17:02

have to add. the best thing I ever did was to tell my Dh.
He said that part of loving me was supporting me and being my comfort. He was much 'happier' when he knew because he realised it wasn't that I didn't love him - i was just struggling with what had happened.
He was the one who persuaded me to have counselling.

OneLieIn · 01/07/2008 18:41

So, forthisthread, we are all saying the same - it is a good thing to do.

You are a great person and have a right to be happy. Good luck, am thinking of you.

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 18:45

Waht and important and courageous thing to do, good luck.

2point4kids · 01/07/2008 18:57

Good luck tonight.
It's a brave thing you are doing and totally the right thing to do.
xxx

Psychomum5 · 01/07/2008 19:20

please never ever ever feel as tho you are not entitled to feel as you do.

I was abused from the age of 5 to 9yrs old.....and I feel (felt, I feel better over things now...I have 'delt' with it as much as I possibly can) as entitled as someone who was abused for far longer and in a worse way (IMO)......and I feel as entitled to someone who was abused once!!!

abuse is abuse is abuse.......be it once, lots, all your childhood. In any and all ways, your trust was ruined by a person who should have done all they can/could to protect you.....ALL adults should protect shildren from evil, not just family(altho I am aware that the majority of abuser's are family)

I think what I am trying to say is......NEVER feel shame, never feel guilt.....for any of this. It happened, it has coloured your entire life since......be kind to yourself, be sure of yourself, and learn to love yourself again.

surprise · 01/07/2008 20:47

Hope you've managed to confide in your DH. I'm sure he will only love you more for having the courage to tell him. xx

Original poster

forthisthread · 02/07/2008 11:59

I told DH last night and our marriage has a future

I showed him the thread as I just didn't know where to start. He fully understood and had suspicions that something like this was wrong. We cried and talked and opened up about all kinds of things that had been bottled up.

He didn't push me for information, for which I am hugely grateful and admiring as it must have been hard for him. I will be able to talk about what happened and the knock-on effects it has had on our sex life in particular, but it will take time, and possibly counselling. He understands this.

I felt very very close to him last night. I felt terrible and full of guilt that I had kept this from him for so long and almost let it ruin our marriage. He made me forgive myself.

Thank you all for you kind words and support. I want you to know how invaluable it was. Although I had made the decision to tell him, your posts stopped me from backing out, which I probably would have done.

DH also thinks mn is great x

OP posts:

HarlotOTara · 02/07/2008 12:05

Well done - I hope this is the beginning of putting the abuse behind you - at least you have support now

DiornaNoble · 02/07/2008 12:06

Oh, what a lovely ending. I'm so pleased you were able to talk to him.

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/07/2008 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

poshwellies · 02/07/2008 12:12

Lovely to read about your courage to speak up Forthisthread.

Here's to the start of your healing journey and to your dh,who will being holding your hand as you go

Psychomum5 · 02/07/2008 12:16

Oh, I am so pleased. I had no doubt tho that if he loved you, he would have no blame in his heart for you, only compassion.

it must feel so wonderful and reassuring that this, the hardest hardest step on your path to healing and accepting (not forgetting, but accepting IYGWIM), is now over and you can start to love yourself again.

NewlyMarried · 02/07/2008 12:20

Your last post made me cry too!

Well done! Really you should be so proud of yourself! It's easy to see in your post how relieved you feel about all of this now that you have told him!

I wish you all of the best for your future, you sound like you have a wonderful hubby

Original poster

forthisthread · 02/07/2008 12:30

Thank you. I am relieved.

Keeping this secret has meant so much more than just not telling him about the abuse. I realise it has made me very private about my feelings in general, and I have been self-conscious and a closed book - he hasn't been able to read me for a long time.

It will take a conscious effort on my part to change some of my bad habits, and be more open but I feel ready to do it and I feel stronger today. I don't want to slip backwards and am determined to move on

OP posts:

Kimi · 02/07/2008 12:47

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