Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regretting brief relationship with younger colleague and feel so stupid

62 replies

Helenn26 · 09/10/2026 10:44

I haven’t spoken to anyone IRL about this as I feel so stupid.

I am nearly 50 and have been single for a few years bar a couple of short lived relationships.

A couple of years ago I became friendly with a man at work - we are in separate departments (huge company) but the hot desking arrangements meant we sat by each other a couple of days a week and got along well and bonded over mutual hobbies.

I knew he had a young child and a partner; over time he started to bemoan some stuff about his relationship and he also listened to me complaining about dates etc.

In the summer, he told me he had separated from his partner but they remained living together. We met at a hotel and slept together. This has happened a few more times; he told me he didn’t care about the age gap and that once he’d sorted a new place to live he could see himself pursuing a relationship with me.

Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more. I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt. He turned nasty on messages and has blocked me now. He said things about it working for both of us and that I got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances’ and that he had ‘fun with someone experienced’ so it was just a ‘summer fling’.

He is sitting elsewhere in the office now so I don’t have to see him, but I am stuck between feeling humiliated and that I have been so stupid to ever get involved with him. I also feel very sorry for his partner who is unaware.

I am not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some tough love. I know I’ve been an idiot.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/10/2026 10:48

Yeah he never separated from his partner, he just wanted a fuck on the side, sorry he used you though and has shown what a prick he really is.

Next!

Everyinch · 09/10/2026 10:48

I don't think either of you have done anything wrong if he had truly temporarily separated from his partner. It may be that you were more invested than he was but I don't think he strung you along.

DeskGnome · 09/10/2026 10:52

You were happy to listen to him running down his relationship and partner because you were attracted to him.

And you were happy to have sex with him knowing that even if what he was saying was true, he was still living with her.

I think you need to own that, move on and be more mindful in the future.

There are a lot of shitty men out there, but you held the door open for this one.

PetulaGordeno · 09/10/2026 10:53

You haven’t been an idiot. He has. He’s a wanker.
Stop being so hard on yourself. No, it wasn’t ideal that he first had a partner and baby but he’s hooked you and in with the oldest line in the book.
I do feel sorry for his partner as she’s saddled with this gobshite of a man.
If he found you attractive other men will. You aren’t a registered charity.
He knows he’s a shit and has reacted horribly to you.
What you have to do now is style it out. You’ve let him know his treatment hurt you.
You have now given him enough of your time and effort.
It is tough but hold your head high.
And while I can t say never say never about dating someone younger, stay away from anyone who has a partner full stop, especially someone who moans about them to you. That’s a red flag.
Stop being tough on yourself and start taking care of yourself. You matter most now.

Lemonandlimetrees · 09/10/2026 10:53

You haven't been an idiot. You didn't spot that this guy was as selfish or confused as he appears to be. But none of us are perfect. It's probably better than going through life too afraid to give anyone a chance. Try and see this as a learning experience & remember he behaved badly, you didn't.

DeskGnome · 09/10/2026 10:56

I disagree.

I do think it's idiotic to jump into bed with a man who comes out with the line 'I've just separated from her but we're still living together'.

The guy's a piece of shit but the OP was willing to overlook that glaring possibility to have sex with him.

All good except the OP needs to learn from it if she doesn't want to be in that position again.

CurledHairAndRoses · 09/10/2026 10:57

Lemonandlimetrees · 09/10/2026 10:53

You haven't been an idiot. You didn't spot that this guy was as selfish or confused as he appears to be. But none of us are perfect. It's probably better than going through life too afraid to give anyone a chance. Try and see this as a learning experience & remember he behaved badly, you didn't.

This.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/10/2026 10:59

I agree with others it doesn’t sound like he split from his partner at all. He sounds like a user to me. You did nothing wrong. How young was he?

Tel12 · 09/10/2026 11:00

He's been deceptive as he's demonstrated in his response. However you have nothing to feel stupid about, hold your head up, move on. Oh and don't date men who are not single in every sense of the word.

Wishimaywishimight · 09/10/2026 11:05

I think you were very naive to buy the line that he was separated but still living with his (ex) partner - surely that line is as old as the hills.

Just put it down to a bit of fun and move on, there's nothing else you can do really.

Firefly100 · 09/10/2026 11:07

Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't fall for that wording from him that you should somehow be grateful as he is so much younger. Thoughts going forward from me would be

  • Don't date someone who is separated but still living with their partner. Tell them to come back when they have moved out. I'm sure there is an exception to this rule somewhere for this but it is a good rule of thumb. 99% of the time they have not separted and just want to cheat. Even separated they could probably do with some time to come to terms with the end of the relationship rather than jump into the next one.
  • I'd consider anyone, say. around more than 5 years younger or older than you (exact boundaries are probably age dependent - pick what feels right) to be a short fun diversion and assume it will not turn into a long term relationship and go into it with that mindset if you still want to pursue it. Yes there are plenty of exceptions to this and plenty of situations where it works, but I would start off assuming it will not and expect it to end after a few months. Make your actions consistent with expecting it to run its course so you can hold your head high afterwards. Its fine when people are younger but big age gaps really matter when you get older and you are likely to effectively turn into a carer. Or he leaves you rather than become yours.
Orphanx · 09/10/2026 11:10

Both as bad as each other tbh move on.

TidyRose · 09/10/2026 11:15

Don't be angry with yourself, You had a bit of fun, some good sex.
That's it -The End
Next man please

LowlandLucky · 09/10/2026 11:30

You are 50 years old and fell for the "separated but still living together" scam. Nothing you can do here other than accept you have been conned and go out and make friends/ relationships with decent people. Don't be embarrassed, he is the one that should be ashamed.

Original poster
Helenn26 · 09/10/2026 11:31

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/10/2026 10:59

I agree with others it doesn’t sound like he split from his partner at all. He sounds like a user to me. You did nothing wrong. How young was he?

34

OP posts:
Agatha1989 · 09/10/2026 12:00

Don’t beat yourself up about this. He’s a little shit who wanted a quick shag and lied to get it.

Mysticguru · 09/10/2026 12:15

It's a lesson. Not a life sentence. Move on, don't dwell on it. He surely isn't

HouseHouseHouse7 · 09/10/2026 12:22

That’s not a super massive age gap tbh especially when the younger party is well into
adulthood as he is, as opposed to 20-odd.

You fell for a well-worn line about separation but you won’t do it again. Move forward.

Sunbringer · 09/10/2026 12:24

Well it’s a painful lesson learned. Don’t take what people say as gospel and don’t pursue anything at work. I doubt he even separated from her tbh. I’m sorry he manipulated you.

JoannCourcyIveGotThePowerNSoul · 09/10/2026 12:27

Betting it was a well practiced routine for him.

sunseasand25 · 09/10/2026 12:33

PetulaGordeno · 09/10/2026 10:53

You haven’t been an idiot. He has. He’s a wanker.
Stop being so hard on yourself. No, it wasn’t ideal that he first had a partner and baby but he’s hooked you and in with the oldest line in the book.
I do feel sorry for his partner as she’s saddled with this gobshite of a man.
If he found you attractive other men will. You aren’t a registered charity.
He knows he’s a shit and has reacted horribly to you.
What you have to do now is style it out. You’ve let him know his treatment hurt you.
You have now given him enough of your time and effort.
It is tough but hold your head high.
And while I can t say never say never about dating someone younger, stay away from anyone who has a partner full stop, especially someone who moans about them to you. That’s a red flag.
Stop being tough on yourself and start taking care of yourself. You matter most now.

Edited

This! No good will come from beating yourself up about it. And just take the lesson. I always expect people to behave like I do so haven’t always had my guard up to these manipulative dishonest sorts. Hope you feel better soon. And sorry you’ve had a bad experience. Men can be very convincing when they want something. Also deceptive. And preying on someone who was vulnerable to this , it’s like they have a 6th sense of what they can get away with.

ExtraHotDoubleShot · 09/10/2026 12:36

DeskGnome · 09/10/2026 10:52

You were happy to listen to him running down his relationship and partner because you were attracted to him.

And you were happy to have sex with him knowing that even if what he was saying was true, he was still living with her.

I think you need to own that, move on and be more mindful in the future.

There are a lot of shitty men out there, but you held the door open for this one.

Yes agreed

ginasevern · 09/10/2026 12:45

Of course he never separated from his partner. He just fancied a shag on the side and he's probably done it loads. I'd have been very suspicious (and repulsed) about a bloke slagging off the mother of his child whilst he was still living with her. But I'm an old cynic. I've seen far too much of men's antics over the years. You wanted to shag him and you grabbed the opportunity regardless. It's done so try to move on.

Original poster
Helenn26 · 09/10/2026 13:16

Thanks everyone, lesson firmly learnt 😩

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 09/10/2026 15:55

Id be inclined to tell him in the passing that the break up suits you as he wasn’t that great in bed - let him feel the humiliation you were the single one so nothing to be embarrassed about he’s the one with the partner and clearly no shame