Should I separate after repeated cheating and broken trust in marriage?

[sia1982]

Yet another let down of a man :(

History - Been together 15 years, married 7, I have an 18yo from a previous marriage and we have 10and 6yo.

Caught him out first time after we'd just moved in to our first property together, dating sites, possible met up with one or two but could never confirm. Said it was just for ego boost, scared about the the commitment - we were 32yo been together 2 years. Forgave him as we had literally just moved in etc. Probably vulnerable from my first marriage breakdown.

Good few years then caught again, similar situ, but this time had evidence (and he admitted) to a casual fling. Kicked him out, eventually took him back. Vulnerable again, we had recently had our first baby, I was still on maternity, blah blah blah.
He showed all the right signs to change, we had counselling etc.
I actually had a thread on here about it at the time would you believe.

Third time I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second. We separated for 3 months. Eventually took him back when I was around 6m pregnant. He said he thinks he is a sex addict at this point and has more counselling.

Our relationship from here was very up and down, quite toxic, no trust from me as expected, him carrying anger which he took out on me, could be quite nasty and cold. Last year or so I backed right off with a longer term view to leave when in a better financial position / kids are older. Haven't had sex for 10 months.

Fourth time last week. Whilst I was on a work trip. Dating site telling people we were separated, planning to meet people. All the usual. I have asked him to leave. He is now begging, crying daily, set himself back up to counselling. Joined Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Begging me for a last chance as he is unwell and he thinks with my support he can get better.

I'm struggling. First 2 days I spent crying now it's like I don't even care? And feeling like for the sake of the children just letting him back.

Financially it will be hard if we separate. Aside this issue our life is 'nice'. That old chestnut of lovely families and friends that are very integrated. I feel like separating will ruin all of this.

But I will never be able to trust him again will I?

I am 45yo now. What a mess.

Any support or advice will be appreciated.

Well I’d have had some self respect the first time and not took him back

Utterly depressing to read. Pick up the remnants of your dignity and get rid of this POS.

I would have left after the first time to be honest. I would never be able to trust him again. But to do it over and over again.. he will never change and you have to leave asap.

Best of luck.

It doesn’t matter how sincere he is - or isn’t - with his protestations of apology etc. It’s time to prioritise yourself and your DC. Leave him to sort himself out, if he is genuine in his remorse he will sort himself out anyway. Tell him he isn’t doing that on your time any more, and make your plans to spilt.

Have you supportive family and friends around you? Lean on them, and allow them to help you.

He said he thinks he is a sex addict at this point and has more counselling

Even without knowing the stats, I'd like to ask yourself - what do you think the likelyhood is of him actually being a sex addict, statistically speaking, as opposed to the thousands of men who simply want to have their cake and eat it?

Don't listen to the tears. I'm afraid that many damaged and even abusive people cry and feel very distressed when they lose what they want, especially if they were getting more out of the relationship. Doesn't mean you should stay. Imagine how you'd feel if he did it again, and you ended up with an STI because of it.

I doubt he has any kind of addiction. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it, and now he's upset that he's being caught and that it may actually have serious consequences.

Unlike most on here, I do believe in second chances. And yes, I have plenty of self respect. But, at this point op, this is habitual for him. This isn’t a “one off” slip or one short term fling (neither of which are acceptable!) This is literally how he chooses to live. He has had multiple opportunities to change and hasn’t. At all. If I was you, he’d have to go.
And, if you choose to stay for the “nice” life, I get that too. But do it in the full knowledge that he will continue to do this and you can either turn a blind eye, or have your own “fling’ as well. If I was staying for the lifestyle, I don’t think, in your situation, my own fidelity would be too much of a concern……

Hence:

Assuming there aren't massive rows and a terrible atmosphere

I certainly wasn't suggesting she should stay in an abuse relationship getting hit, then cheat herself at the worst possible time. That clearly wouldn't be wise. (I'm amazed I have to say that!)

But if they're happy and functioning as parents then it's not such a terrible thing. I knew I'd be a minority of 1 on this.

Sex addict, my arse.
OP, you're probably a nice enough woman, most of us are. Good to your kids and your friends enjoy your company. This man is just another sneaky, manipulative piece of shit, who has fucked you over time and again. With no thought for your children or your integrated family. He has no intention of changing, it's absolute bollocks to compare his selfishness to addiction recovery. He hasn't got an addiction, he just wants to shag about.
Please don't take him back, imagine how simple your life would be without all his bullshit in it. You so obviously deserve so much more than this.

He's a lying cheat and he always will be. Sex addict? Really? Has he sought addiction treatment?

A lot of men who cheat claim to be sex addicts. It's an easy out and doesn't address why they really cheat. I suspect your husband is one of those cheaters who cheat because he can without real consequences. It's not like you've dumped him for it.

Don't use staying for the kids as an excuse. You're modeling a shit marriage for them and they will see the truth of it as they grow up and will not respect you for sticking around.

You can't count on this guy for anything, much less a happy old age together. What if he gets one of the other women pregnant?

Get regular STI checks and if he doesn't use protection, ask your doctor about going on PReP so you don't get HIV.

I would get a lawyer consult to get accurate info on what you could expect in a divorce.