Should I separate after repeated cheating and broken trust in marriage?

[sia1982]

Yet another let down of a man :(

History - Been together 15 years, married 7, I have an 18yo from a previous marriage and we have 10and 6yo.

Caught him out first time after we'd just moved in to our first property together, dating sites, possible met up with one or two but could never confirm. Said it was just for ego boost, scared about the the commitment - we were 32yo been together 2 years. Forgave him as we had literally just moved in etc. Probably vulnerable from my first marriage breakdown.

Good few years then caught again, similar situ, but this time had evidence (and he admitted) to a casual fling. Kicked him out, eventually took him back. Vulnerable again, we had recently had our first baby, I was still on maternity, blah blah blah.
He showed all the right signs to change, we had counselling etc.
I actually had a thread on here about it at the time would you believe.

Third time I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second. We separated for 3 months. Eventually took him back when I was around 6m pregnant. He said he thinks he is a sex addict at this point and has more counselling.

Our relationship from here was very up and down, quite toxic, no trust from me as expected, him carrying anger which he took out on me, could be quite nasty and cold. Last year or so I backed right off with a longer term view to leave when in a better financial position / kids are older. Haven't had sex for 10 months.

Fourth time last week. Whilst I was on a work trip. Dating site telling people we were separated, planning to meet people. All the usual. I have asked him to leave. He is now begging, crying daily, set himself back up to counselling. Joined Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Begging me for a last chance as he is unwell and he thinks with my support he can get better.

I'm struggling. First 2 days I spent crying now it's like I don't even care? And feeling like for the sake of the children just letting him back.

Financially it will be hard if we separate. Aside this issue our life is 'nice'. That old chestnut of lovely families and friends that are very integrated. I feel like separating will ruin all of this.

But I will never be able to trust him again will I?

I am 45yo now. What a mess.

Any support or advice will be appreciated.

You let him get away with it multiple times so why would he change and why would this time be any different? Either stay with him and accept he will constantly cheat on you or get some self respect and get rid

You may not think or feel it now but you are young and have a lot ahead of you. This man has robbed you of a healthy safe relationship for the last fifteen years, do not let him rob you of your future. His addiction is his problem. If he sorts himself out it will be beneficial to your co-parenting relationship. That's all. Please leave.

Your friends know.
Your children will believe his behavior is normal.
You need to do better, dig up some strength.

He will never be faithful.

I will be in a minority of one here but there is such a thing as staying in the marriage for the kids and splitting up when the kids leave. Assuming there aren't massive rows and a terrible atmosphere I wouldn't rule that out given the ages of the kids.

Having kids with this guy was crazy.

Good luck whatever happens.

Staying "for the kids" is teaching them that staying with someone untrustworthy is normal and accepted. Sometimes staying is financially the only option, but the children pay a price for it, too.

Please leave OP. When you took him back all those times, you were basically letting him know that it’s ok to treat you like that; that he can do it with impunity. Leave and hold your head up high. You don’t have to live feeling as sad as you do now. I’ve been there. I’m much better off without him, I’m pleased to say.
Wanker. Oh, and he’s not a sex addict, he’s a deceitful, selfish cheat, unwilling to change. Good luck 💪

I know this just ancedotal, but my SIL stayed "for the kids" and ended up blowing up their life just before big exams cause she absolutely couldn't take it anymore as her ex escalated to hitting her ... And sadly, she also met someone else just before the split and her youngest holds her entirely responsible instead of her multiple cheating scumbag of an ex-husband and they barely talk. And her children were a lot older than OPs.

Staying for the kids is what, 12 years until the 6 year old goes to uni? Men like this are often also slimebags in other ways - 12 years of cheating, 12 years of him potentially undermining her earning potential, her finances or her relationship with the children, 12 years in which she could be building a future for herself, 12 years in which she could be happy. It's a lot to think about.

What makes you think he would really change if you gave him a chance? He's not going to change. You've given him so many chances. You're unhappy now, would you really be happy if you got back together? I wouldn't be in that relationship.

He's cheated so many times, possibly more times than the times you've caught him. You're still young, you can meet someone worthy of your love, time and patience if you want to.

At the moment it's heartbreaking, you can be heartbroken and your tears will stop and you'll move forward. Get back with him and your heart will be broken again and again. Can you really forgive him so that? Being single is just fine.

He's disgusting trying to emotionally blackmail you to support him. He could of told you he was struggling in your relationship, instead he cheated. You deserve better and so do your children.

The other problem with this is that if the husband falls in love with an affair partner and wants to leave, he will probably do so without regard for the kids’ ages, and then he controls the timetable.

These are just the times you know about; I’m struggling to beleive you were shagging him as you knew deep down he was consistently shagging other women. Integrated families cannot make it worth it. Your self esteem must be on the floor.

But I will never be able to trust him again will I?

Different situation because we hadn't been together as long as you, didn't have children and I didn't have to deal with the 'I'm a sex addict,' crying and begging and all the rest of the stuff he's putting you through.

But based on experience - no, you will never be able to trust him again.

Sorry.

The phrase when someone shows you who they truly are believe them.......

He's shown you on 4 occasions who he truly is. If you want this to be your life forever more then carry on. But it's not great for the children and they will pick up on it.

Thank you all. It’s mad because my 18yo is a girl and if she was telling me this I’d of course be giving her the same advice.

I suppose I’m hanging on to the person I once knew. Some rose tinted glasses about a fairy tale ending.

As one of you said it’s overwhelming thinking of the alternative. How’s it going to affect not just us, but everyone. Including family and friends.

He’s so convincing as well when we talk which is really hard. He’s convinced himself that he is definitely going to be able to ‘fix’ himself with all this therapy and meetings. I suppose a bit like an alcoholic getting sober. He’s said if I give him another chance he will sign everything over to me financially (we own other properties) so that if he does make the same mistake again he literally loses everything.
Not sure if that’s even possible.

Argh why am I getting sucked in.

I definitely think this is needed. I don’t know why I am so weak

I mean this kindly, if you take him back after the 4th time (!) you are basically signing up for him cheating on you for the rest of your life. If you honestly think he's going to change, you're absolutely kidding yourself. If you choose to stay with him, at least be honest with yourself about what you will have to deal with going forward. Lots of women turn a blind eye because they don't want to rock the boat and shatter the facade of a 'happy marriage'.

If you separate, your children will be fine. They still have two parents and you can do your best to co-parent amicably.

I think that you deserve much better than a serial cheat for a husband. But it's what you think you deserve that matters. Have you thought about counselling just for yourself?

I don’t believe all these cheaters are sex addicts, they just like having sex with different people, i.e cheating. It’s just an excuse and a way to make you feel sorry for them and forgive them, which has worked in your case. He has an addiction, my arse. He’s not special.

He will continue to cheat because he can. Stay and let his behaviour ruin the one and only life you get or leave, struggle a bit but ultimately be happier. I know it’s not easy but the peace you find will be sweet.

He truly does not deserve you.

He won’t change he doesn’t have to you keep taking his back. You know you and your children deserve better, you are also teaching your children the wrong message so if you struggle to do it for yourself get rid of him for them. It will be hard but no you can never trust him again.

He's not a sex addict, he's just a selfish man who can't keep his dick in his pants.

If you want to continue being cheated on then stay with him. If you've had enough, walk away. The choice is yours.

I’m going to put this out there. So it’s in writing. And I didn’t because I am ashamed. It hasn’t just been dating apps. Sex workers too.

How I have actually let this become my life.

As a couple of you have mentioned, I definitely need some therapy.

Your post isn't highlighted as being the original poster, because you changed name, people will miss it if filtering to view all by OP.

A man who coerces women to use their bodies is degenerate scum. You can start the divorce online, and choosing a life of happy and peace is up to you.

Ahh it appears I must have 2 accounts. God knows how. One on the app and one on desktop.

Thank you for highlighting that.

I know. It’s all so awful when I read it in black and white. I don’t know who I am trying to convince.

And he will try and convince me that he’s unwell and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

This me, the OP, sadly

Don't provide him with an audience, tell him you don't want to hear from him at all, get a co-parenting app, and if he comes weeping or flapping his gob, tell him to go away. Sound bored and detached.

You’re married so it doesn’t matter whose name things are in.

Read the ChumpLady website. Life changing. Good luck.