Should I separate after repeated cheating and broken trust in marriage?

[sia1982]

Yet another let down of a man :(

History - Been together 15 years, married 7, I have an 18yo from a previous marriage and we have 10and 6yo.

Caught him out first time after we'd just moved in to our first property together, dating sites, possible met up with one or two but could never confirm. Said it was just for ego boost, scared about the the commitment - we were 32yo been together 2 years. Forgave him as we had literally just moved in etc. Probably vulnerable from my first marriage breakdown.

Good few years then caught again, similar situ, but this time had evidence (and he admitted) to a casual fling. Kicked him out, eventually took him back. Vulnerable again, we had recently had our first baby, I was still on maternity, blah blah blah.
He showed all the right signs to change, we had counselling etc.
I actually had a thread on here about it at the time would you believe.

Third time I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second. We separated for 3 months. Eventually took him back when I was around 6m pregnant. He said he thinks he is a sex addict at this point and has more counselling.

Our relationship from here was very up and down, quite toxic, no trust from me as expected, him carrying anger which he took out on me, could be quite nasty and cold. Last year or so I backed right off with a longer term view to leave when in a better financial position / kids are older. Haven't had sex for 10 months.

Fourth time last week. Whilst I was on a work trip. Dating site telling people we were separated, planning to meet people. All the usual. I have asked him to leave. He is now begging, crying daily, set himself back up to counselling. Joined Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Begging me for a last chance as he is unwell and he thinks with my support he can get better.

I'm struggling. First 2 days I spent crying now it's like I don't even care? And feeling like for the sake of the children just letting him back.

Financially it will be hard if we separate. Aside this issue our life is 'nice'. That old chestnut of lovely families and friends that are very integrated. I feel like separating will ruin all of this.

But I will never be able to trust him again will I?

I am 45yo now. What a mess.

Any support or advice will be appreciated.

You should have left the first time. But you definitely need to leave now. When someone shows you who they are- believe them.

You still have half your life left in front of you Why would you waste it with someone who has proven over and over again that he will cheat and hurt you over and over again?

Just leave. He'll never change

It's not your job to support him in this, the fact that he thinks you should is just another example of his entitled attitude. You will never trust him again and you shouldn't.

He wants your support to get better?!

Honestly OP he’s a piece of shit and you’d be a fool to continue with him

Too many things to forgive . No trust and he is an immoral man who dismisses his commitment to you and his family in pursuit of his own selfish desires . It must seem scary to think about all that will be involved with separating and divorcing him but do you want to live with the knowledge that he will do this over and over again .

When someone shows you who they are believe them. You know in your bones he is. You either put up with it or you make a new life for yourself - a life that makes you happier.

It's never too late to cut your losses.

Leave now. Yes it will be tough initially but in a few years time you’ll be in a much better position and you still leave yourself time to meet someone else when the kids are older.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship. Would therefore suggest you firm up plans to leave

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do not continue to show them such a poor relationship for them to potentially emulate.

Would you want your children to be in a marriage like this as adults, no and you would want better for them.

Get legal advice if you’re married.
information is power.

Start making an escape plan. No rush, just keep your counsel and whack it to him when you’re ready, have organised somewhere to move out to. Slowly slowly catchee monkey.
Ducks in a row time.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. He’s a weak waste of space.

Dump him. Skanky man.

Please realise your worth. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, you don’t deserve it!

💐

Obviously you should bin him. No one will tell you otherwise. He’s made a pitiful mug of you and you’ll end up with no confidence and self respect if you stay with this tomcat.

Absolutely mental that you kept on taking him back! Maybe some therapy for you might help you to find some self respect.

FFS OP.

Have some self respect for goodness sake.

I didn’t need to read your post
my answer
Yes, Obviously ASAP
from your title

I’m so sorry this is happening to you are you are still thinking it all through. On the face of it, yes. Why would you not?

my only question would be why you didn’t the first time and why go in to have a family with him. What did you hope to gain from that ?

Now is the earliest you can now get yourself away, so how it the right time to do it.

I think you owe it to yourself to think about how you feel and have felt, and what you want to feel in future. If that means navigating therapy etc together, then I wish you well. If that means navigating a new path, I also wish you well. Your friends and family will support you, whatever you choose to do, but it’s important that you know this is your choice and you hold the power here.

I agree with PP. Take your time, no need to end it this week or next week. Organise things. He is weak and selfish and will never change. When you're ready, get rid for good.

He will never change.

Don't let him back or he will just do it again. Remember these are only the times you have caught him. There will be so much that you don't know about.

You can do this. You're only young and you have your whole life to live without a scutter of a man like this.
💐

Is it just the overwhelming thought of all the things that you have to navigate whilst going through the breakup that’s putting you off finishing it for good? Cos if it is, it will be a lot less effort than staying with him and going through all this hurt over and over again.

Ask yourself a question, If you could click your fingers and be in a home with just you and the Dc, having been split from DH for a year, by passing all the pain, would you? Cos if you would, then you know you need to finish it for good. You have 1 life.

No judgement for having previously given him the benefit of the doubt and been willing to try again. On each prior occasion he took advantage of you being vulnerable to win you back round. The problem you have is that he will keep thinking that if he says the right things, you will give in again. Will you? Is that what you want? He has made it repeatedly clear that this is who he is and that is not going to change.

So, you either accept you are married to a cheat and put up with it. Or, you decide this is not what you want and divorce him. If you choose the latter (I would), then there is no immediate rush. He thinks you will give in, in the end. So, while he is busy begging, do all the preparation you need, take your time to build your mental strength.

And remember, it is him that has ruined all this. Not you.

Leave, you'll never be able to trust him and will have it in the back of your mind forever. You deserve to be happy and so do your kids.

Hold on to that don't care feeling. Normally there's no going back after you get that.