Has anyone else had parents negatively affect their marriage and home life?

[Fullofregret26]

Hi all,
Just wondered/looking for thoughts or opinions on the following.
Im a married woman in her early 40s. My marriage has failed due to my husband withdrawing from me. Noone else involved. I suppose over the years I've placed my parents happiness above his. We love beside them, built a house on their land and my dad has never really gotten used to it idea of it being ours. He has treated our house as his own. He has also over stepped in many other ways and used money to control me. Dangled it at me like a carrot. I have never been strong enough to stand up to him or say no thanks but now my husband has had enough of being treated poorly by me and has left me. Sad thing is about a yr ago I had decided that id had enough of being treated like that by my dad and had totally changed my mindset. But its too late. Now all im left with is regret and what ifs. True my husband never spoke up and told me how he was feeling. Not sure why he didn't. But im asking has anyone else ever had parents that have had a hugely (negative) impact on their life?

Speaking from the POV of a woman who’s husband has been controlled by his emotionally abusive mother I feel a lot of resentment and anger at his inability to put boundaries in place.

however I am financially independent and stable. It sounds like you and your husband needed your parents financial support in order to have your own home?

it sounds like your situation is quite a different set-up. Did you have the opportunity years ago to buy your own house in an area of your choice with your own money?

Yes we could have bought a house ourselves. I was in my early 20s when I got my first job and my parents wanted to keep me close so encouraged me to build a house rather than in town. My now husband (was my boyfriend at the time) never wanted to live where we currently live and over the years the resentment has built on his part. That coupled with the constant over stepping of my father has contributed to the situation I have found myself in now

You should have stepped up OP. Sounds like you were happy for your parents to subsidise your life. How can you act so surprised re your husband? Are you prepared/ capable of truly living independently?

Is it salvageable? Can you commit to prioritising your marriage? Would that be mieux to his ears? Or has he moved on?

I am not sure I’m the best person to advise you because I’m not medically qualified but I think you need to get some therapy and I think you need to do this without telling your father (if he’s likely to get angry). Does he have form for getting angry?

i suspect you have some childhood trauma from the way he has controlled all of your life.

i think you require some help to escape the control of your father.

do you have children?

I would hope other MNers would come here and give more practical advice if they have had similar experiences.

i wish you well. Take care of yourself.

I think the OP needs more compassion in this moment. We don’t know how controlling her father is. We don’t know her mental state. We don’t know if her father gets angry easily and if she is scared.

I am currently in therapy so hopefully that'll help. And yes he has form for getting angry. Throwing his toys out of the pram. He wouldnt speak to me if I did something that he didnt agree with. He was never violent towards me but I suppose was emotionally abuse when you look at it through the eyes of others.

No I honestly think it's too late. Hes done. Funny thing is I've finally realised what I was allowing and had started putting boundaries in place. But its too late to save our marriage

Thanks for your reply. Yes I know I should have stepped up. But Thanks for pointing it out. And yes i suppose I was happy for them to subsidise our life. Made things easier. But yes i am capable of living independently and will going forward

You need to move away from that house Op, it's tainted.

How could your father control you with money?

Why did you do what your parents wanted you to do instead of what you and your husband wanted to do?

I dont know why i did what I did. I was young and stupid. Can see now my parents never wanted to let me go and always wanted some sort of control over my life. My sibling did not experience the same. They moved away. As the oldest daughter I was expected to do things. Very old fashioned ideas. And i couldn't see it. But over time the interference has killed my marriage and now has also killed me in lots of ways too.

I get it Op, I had a similar thing in my own family. My older sister was the one who had expectations placed upon her. My dad told her she'd only leave the home in one of two ways, a wedding dress or a coffin.

It's so difficult to see things objectively when you're in the thick of it.

What's the situation with the house, is it in your name or your dad's?

The house is in my name. Well our name. Myself and my husband. But my parents are aging and my dad has told me he expects me to care for him. It's madness what's going/has gone on.

Could you work with your therapist on what to say to your husband, would he agree to go if you explain you really want to change? And I'd put strong boundaries in place if you're going to be caring for your dad.

Sounds like you should stand up for yourself for the first time and say no. Sell the house, divide the proceeds between you and your ex-husband or according to whatever legal requirements are in place. Move away from your parents. Do not become their servants in their retirement. Live your life. Be free.

Can you sell-up and move, put some distance between you al?

Is this a reverse? The slightly distant tone, like narrating the story from an observer’s perspective, and the lack of detail made me wonder.

Anyway, yes, my parents negatively affected my marriage sometimes, as did his mother. All three placed me under huge pressure to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and let him be the Grand Pooh-Bah. Their attitude would really upset me - and we lived on a different continent and they would come to stay for 2 weeks at a time, in a 2-bed, 1-bathroom flat. And once for 3 weeks. Another time my MIL came for a month but was supposed to go away for a bit in the middle of it to visit another friend who lived a couple hundred miles away, but then tried to renege. I wasn’t there for the convo but I gather my husband practically forced her to stick to it.

I would get so mad, and my husband was USELESS. He had ZERO understanding of how it made me feel to be slotted into the role of resident peasant, or how personal and intrusive the baby pressure was for me. And I explained it to him well. But he could not understand why I couldn’t just ignore it. So then I’d get upset at his lack of support, and then we’d go to sleep with our backs turned. He’s an ex now, but I still remember how that lack of empathy and support made me feel.

So yes. Parents and in-laws can certainly affect your marriage. We ended up not having kids. But if we had had kids and had lived in our home area, I cannot imagine how much worse it would have been. All three of them were over-bearing and my parents especially always had trouble respecting me as an adult.

You’ve been set up. PIL also facilitated SIL family living next door, what a nightmare that turned out to be when her children grew up and the free childcare was no longer needed. On call for two ageing demanding elderly parents day and night. Massive regrets.
Move quickly and stay away.

My marriage is ending because my dh has continuously let his family become the priority all the way through our marriage. He’s never once confronted them when they’ve hurt me or our dc. And now that they are frail and elderly their needs are overshadowing our lives even more as dh tries to hold down a full time job and their care needs. On top of that he has ridiculous errands to do every weekend. The resentment that’s built up inside me over the years is just too much now. We argued recently about it and I don’t know why I’ve put up with it all these years, I’m angry at myself now instead of him. I’m so detached now I can’t bare to look at him.

it’s been useful to hear your side though op so I thank you for that. Therapy will help you unpick your relationship with your dad. And hopefully that will give you the headspace to put in some boundaries for yourself for the future.

“my parents are aging and my dad has told me he expects me to care for him”

So having ruined your marriage and overstepped, your emotionally controlling father thinks it’s OK to expect you to care for him in old age. Forget that, OP. You need to move away because otherwise you’ll find yourself lonely and embittered having wasted the best years of your life looking after your DPs. Flee: go and get some independent life of your own - and hopefully, meet someone else. It might be that if your ex sees you are making an effort to detach yourself, he might be persuaded to give your marriage another chance - but nobody wants to be in thrall to their parents or in-laws, and you won’t have a successful relationship until you manage to put some distance and reasonable boundaries between you and DPs.

And are you going to care for him? Obviously, I don't think you should as he sounds like a controlling bully. He has ruined your life and your marriage. Can you sell your house and split the profit with your ex-husband?

This is definitely not a reverse. Why would you think that?

Im not detached, I'm actually heartbroken and trying to process things. I know when we figure it out I'll be left with a lot of regrets. It's easy to blame my parents for it all but I enabled it and didn't chose my husband time and time again. He is a good man who is very broken by the whole thing. Now in my defence, he didnt speak up too forcefully against them and we did have problems but they are compounded by this issue.

My dad has openly said he expects me to care for him. I politely told him that wouldnt be happening. He went off on a rant about how selfish people are today. He is now annoyed with me because I said I needed space as I took time off work to process what was happening. He didnt respect that and when I spoke to my mother about it she did mention it to him and he made some stupid comment about not darkening my door again. He is very childish. But I've decided I don't need that in my life right now so I will figure things out on my own.

I did not mean to be unkind OP. Hope things work out for you.

I didnt think you were being unkind. Ive had a long hard look in the mirror lately. Have not liked what I have seen. And now it's time for me to adult.

OP it’s really hard for people who are enmeshed or being controlled to realise the extent of it. Be kind to yourself, I’m so sorry your marriage ended but you never set out to intentionally hurt your husband. All you can do now is recognise the patterns of behaviour that led you to this point and put some distance between your parents. Can you sell the house? I think finding a place of your own would do you some good.