Heartbroken at 45

[Reno18]

feeling heartbroken at 45!
I’ve been seeing a man (49) for around3 months. He’s been asking me out for years but I was never single until a few years ago and we finally went on a date in June. Since then we spent a lot of time together. He works abroad, I’ve been there twice and when he’s here we’re together all the time. We both say we love each other, when we’re together it’s great. The problem is that he has a problem with my past, 3 of my 4 children (22,19,17) are mixed race and he says it’s something he struggles with because he thinks I want to be with a black man and that he is inferior in bed to him (he’s not). Because of this, when he’s away he can be really horrible, like really really horrible. Saying my body’s ruined (it’s not) and that im white whore. This is always when he’s drunk but doesn’t excuse his behaviour. We had a disagreement a couple of days ago and he’s blocked me on everything. I know this is the best thing, but I’m so upset and need to know how to get over this. I’m 45 and want to be happy with someone.

I was seeing someone before him who was lovely but just too much. I wish I wanted him but I just don’t.

I think you need to cut all contact for starters. Then look at what you have with your lovely children and go away and have a nice life with them for a bit before you even think about another man. It is possible to have a fabulous life without a man and if you do meet a lovely one in the future (yes they are quite rare these days) then that's great. But it's not the be all and end all. You don't actually have to have a man to have a wonderful life. Change your mindset. What will be will be. xx

The things people will accept with just to avoid being on their own never fails to baffle me. What is it about single life that terrifies you so much that you want to be with someone like this?!

It’s only as we grow closer to a person that we start to see behind the surface layer and that can take up to a couple of years before people start to see compatibility issues. He has been asking you out for years so you built up who you thought he was and three months into a relationship he has shown you he is a racist bully who will punish you for your past. Everything he has said or done when drunk is a tip of the iceberg of the contempt he feels about you having a past! This isn’t about insecurity it’s about his hatred of POC and if this guy is making you out to be soiled goods now it’s nothing compared to how he will make your children feel about themselves. He will inflict self shame on them for being mixed race and make them feel unlovable, it will break them and their pain will be a thousand times worse than the heartbreak you think you’re feeling right now as you have only been seeing each other for three months! You’ve barely scratched the surface on the person he is behind his social persona as in the beginning we only show our best traits to impress. He will unblock you as he is playing mind games to access if you will put up with his abuse and it’s only a glimmer of how he will treat you and your children. RUN!