Heartbroken at 45

[Reno18]

feeling heartbroken at 45!
I’ve been seeing a man (49) for around3 months. He’s been asking me out for years but I was never single until a few years ago and we finally went on a date in June. Since then we spent a lot of time together. He works abroad, I’ve been there twice and when he’s here we’re together all the time. We both say we love each other, when we’re together it’s great. The problem is that he has a problem with my past, 3 of my 4 children (22,19,17) are mixed race and he says it’s something he struggles with because he thinks I want to be with a black man and that he is inferior in bed to him (he’s not). Because of this, when he’s away he can be really horrible, like really really horrible. Saying my body’s ruined (it’s not) and that im white whore. This is always when he’s drunk but doesn’t excuse his behaviour. We had a disagreement a couple of days ago and he’s blocked me on everything. I know this is the best thing, but I’m so upset and need to know how to get over this. I’m 45 and want to be happy with someone.

I was seeing someone before him who was lovely but just too much. I wish I wanted him but I just don’t.

He’s an abusive racist. He has found a “reason” to be abusive but if it wasn’t that, it’d be something else as abusive men will always abuse. Thank god he has shown himself quickly and move on.

Imagie one of your kids telling you this about a guy they’d be seeing, you’d quite rightly tell her that he’s an arsehole and she’d be mad to stay with someone who can be so vile - especially at the beginning where most people are on their best behaviour, so if he says this shit now imagine how awful it would be if you lived together for years.

Come on now give yourself a shake this has red flags 🚩 all over, he sounds like an absolute clown. You’re in the middle of a dopamine hit with all the brain chemicals so you almost can’t think beyond the lust feelings so you need to be told the reality

I think he's been 'negging' you with his 'ruined body' comments and his racist spiel and it's all to make you work twice as hard to keep him. He WANTS you to feel that you need to make it up to him for having had a past and therefore not being the pristine virgin that he clearly thinks he deserves.

Well done for not crawling to him with lots of promises to be better, to work on yourself; for not telling him that he's the bestest most wonderful lover EVAH and how you can't imagine how you got this far through life without him.

Honestly, there are better men than this out there in the wild. Give yourself time to get over this crawler though, because it sounds as though your self esteem has taken a bit of a battering.

You can still have all the things you longed for, those dreams aren’t lost. You just can’t have them with this man. He isn’t safe for all the reasons people have mentioned. But your grief is real and I understand why you feel sad.

He's done you a big favour, don't be heartbroken for such an awful man. Dust your self down and know your worth x

Wow. What a cock he is. Block him back. No one needs that shit

I'm confused about why you didn't immediately dump this racist, sexist piece of shit.

Alcohol lowers inhibition, it doesn't alter your personality.

Is it fear of being alone? He isn't a good person. Get rid.

Firstly if he unblocks you and suddenly starts talking again please just block him yourself, he sounds truly awful you deserve better!.

He's racist and you must protect your children and yourself.

Please want better for yourself than a man who verbally degrades you and is racist about your children. Fuck that.

This can’t possibly be real. If it is I feel sorry for your poor children.

You need help to 'get over' someone who called you a "white whore"? Do you think this creature is all you deserve in life?

I think you should avoid relationships while you think so little of yourself, otherwise you are going to end up with someone else of this ilk.

Well he doesn't sound very nice.

Occasionally I'll see a post like this, where the OP is heartbroken when the man ends a relatively short relationship, and I'll think the responses are a little harsh on the man. Language like 'dodged a bullet' for things that happened in the relationship that I would consider almost innocuous.

But this...this is bad. Can you not see that? As the first post said, you deserve better.

He sounds awful! It sounds like you need do look at why you are heartbroken over this bell end but ended things with the lovely guy. (I don’t mean this disrespectfully)

He’s been asking you out for years despite having an issue with your past; he’s a racist misogynist and abusive to boot and you think you want that?

FGS - why would you even think of being with him!?

He’s vile

Him being drunk when he abuses you is not an excuse, I agree. In fact, it's another thing to add to the list: he's racist, misogynist, abusive and a drunkard. Any one of those should be enough to put you off.

What happened to you to accept any of that for 3 months? That's probably the first place to start working on your self-esteem.

It's not between him and the bloke you don't fancy, either. When you've worked on your self-esteem and start dating again, nasty blokes or ones you don't fancy need to be crossed off the list before it goes any further.

Sending love.

You know what to do. Stay safe and congratulate yourself on seeking advice and not moving him in.

Great job, clever woman ♥️♥️♥️

Why are you heartbroken? He’s horrible and he said horrible things about you

Respect yourself and RUN

Please open your eyes - here are all the red flags you missed

• He’s been asking me out for years but I was never single until a few years ago - so he pursued you when you were with another person/people? Yuck.

• We both say we love each other - you've been dating for three months, that's lunacy and frankly at 45 you should know better - I'm 47 and would never tell someone after three months that I loved them, the parmesan in my fridge is older than your relationship!

• The problem is that he has a problem with my past, 3 of my 4 children (22,19,17) are mixed race and he says it’s something he struggles with - because he's racist. What a delightful man.

• Saying my body’s ruined (it’s not) and that im white whore - oh pardon me, he's both racist and misogynistic - not to mention bloody cruel.

• This is always when he’s drunk but doesn’t excuse his behaviour - correct it doesn't and maybe in vino veritas applies here... he says what he thinks all of the time but the drunkenness amplifies it - he's a horrible person.

• We had a disagreement a couple of days ago and he’s blocked me on everything - this is a good thing for you, he's also 12 years old.

• I’m 45 and want to be happy with someone - mate, it's what we all want, but you were nowhere near happy with this person and please stop deluding yourself that you were.

U dodged a bullet
Insecure little man
He's trying to make u insecure to feel better about himself !
Get back out there and find someone who will cherish it and like your kids 💕

Why are you heart broken? You should be leaping around in glee that you are no longer saddled with this low grade, racist arse.

make that x 1000's

This guy is a walking red flag. Run for the hills