Heartbroken at 45

[Reno18]

feeling heartbroken at 45!
I’ve been seeing a man (49) for around3 months. He’s been asking me out for years but I was never single until a few years ago and we finally went on a date in June. Since then we spent a lot of time together. He works abroad, I’ve been there twice and when he’s here we’re together all the time. We both say we love each other, when we’re together it’s great. The problem is that he has a problem with my past, 3 of my 4 children (22,19,17) are mixed race and he says it’s something he struggles with because he thinks I want to be with a black man and that he is inferior in bed to him (he’s not). Because of this, when he’s away he can be really horrible, like really really horrible. Saying my body’s ruined (it’s not) and that im white whore. This is always when he’s drunk but doesn’t excuse his behaviour. We had a disagreement a couple of days ago and he’s blocked me on everything. I know this is the best thing, but I’m so upset and need to know how to get over this. I’m 45 and want to be happy with someone.

I was seeing someone before him who was lovely but just too much. I wish I wanted him but I just don’t.

Are you someone who has to be with someone? Being heartbroken over such an awful person after only 3 months speaks volumes.
Therapy or not, time on your own sounds like a good plan. Sort your own issues out first and then you might be able to make better choices.

He was and remains a walking red flag.

You need to read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Men like this will batter boundaries and he targeted you deliberately to mistreat and or otherwise abuse. Be on your own and continue to put yourself and your children front and centre in your life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Therapy for you may well be beneficial to unlearn the poor lessons you have picked up along the way.

It’s been 3 months, he calls you a whore and you’re ‘heartbroken’?

I’m hoping this is fake.

Go and walk down the street and find the first homeless man, who will likely be addicted to drugs, have trauma and PTSD - and I can almost guarantee that they would be a better man than this man.

Anyone, literally anyone, is better than this.

I hope this is fake because no one has such low standards for themselves.

Whaaaat???? What a horrible man !!! Leave him gone!

I'm so happy for your children that he's dumped you. I pray, for their sakes, that he doesn't come back.

I genuinely don't think I'm qualified to advise you otherwise, so I'll leave that to the better able MNrs. 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Heartbroken over a racist, sexist twat who drinks too much?

He’s a racist loser! Good riddance. Do some work on your self-esteem. You can do better.

Give your head a wobble woman.

This man isn't just a racist prick, he's dangerous.

Be glad he's gone.

I'm glad your kids are older because this man is giving me John Cole vibes (the rat who killed little Logan Mwangi for being mixed race).

You have mixed race children and you’re thinking about being with this racist? What’s wrong with you? Women like you are the problem. If you aren’t going to get some self respect and ditch this idiot, think about your blood kids!!

I wouldn't be breaking my heart over such a disgusting abusive racist .

Wtf did I just read?

He doesn't think he's inferior in bed. He's a racist! He thinks that white woman who were with black men are sullied and tainted. His comment about your body being wrecked is proof of that. He's only making it sound as though he is insecure so he can pretend to hide his racism.

How can you EVER contemplate being with a man like this when you have mixed race children?

Wtf
why would you want to be with a man that thinks this of you and your children?

wow … run??!!

What about your children? If he thinks this about you what is he thinking about them? You need to be with someone who shows respect to you, your children and a really big grown up would show respect to your children’s Dad(s) too.

the truth comes out when people are drunk. Your feelings are hurt right now, you love him but give yourself time. There’s way way nicer people out there

Why did he call you a ‘white’ whore? Is he not white himself? He sounds revolting and why you’d be heartbroken after 3 months is concerning, you sound vulnerable. This man is not good news on any level.

Ditto the others - racist bigot - delete this POS from your life.

What an utterly pathetic and disgraceful excuse of a man. I'd be heartbroken I'd ever let such a cunt near me, personally. Good riddance!

He called you a white whore?!! And you love this creature? FMAL.

get rid of him?? He’s a racist cunt.

Thank you for your comments, the nice and the harsh. I needed to hear them even though I know it all already and I would be saying the same to anyone in my position.

I’ve been single for 3 years (was talking to the nice guy but nothing came of it because I didn’t have feelings for him) and this is who I let in! Speaking to a couple of friends today they have said it’s a trauma bond and I think they could be right. I’m craving the hit from him when it’s good. I had this relationship with my ex as well so I definitely need therapy.

with regards to my children, they are so loved and we are the best team, I’ve just got swept into something that I thought would be great. How wrong was I!

I can think of a few choice words for him that I won’t write here. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Put yourself and your lovely family first.

If you’re heartbroken over a racist, it would seem that you’re on a different “team” to your children.

It would be dangerous to continue seeing this man. You know that. Don't be heartbroken over this twat. He is sick and twisted. Why would you want that for yourself?

He is horrible. Kindly OP, you need to give your head a serious wobble and ask yourself why on Earth you have been accepting this filthy treatment he’s been hurling at you.

He is totally fucking deranged. Get him dumped, and blocked, and do not look back. This is not what relationships are supposed to be, this is not what all men are like, and it is not acceptable.

I can guarantee he's going to unblock you and reach out. He's an abusive asshole and he's setting you up to be "grateful" that he wants to try again. You will end up in an extremely toxic loop with him. Please don't waste your life on this guy x

He’s a racist who thinks you are soiled goods because your have had relationships with POC!! I’d hate to think what he thinks of your children! Just be thankful it’s over because had it lasted he would have mentally and emotionally abused your children and yourself.