What would you choose? Major broken heart, or regret that you never tried?

[Ihaveregrets]

N/C but long time user.

Would you rather have had a (potentially brief but amazing) relationship with someone you were mad about, followed by a guaranteed utterly heartbreaking split?

Or regret that you never tried 25 plus years later when you reconnect, but it's just not possible now?

If it's the latter, how do you cope with that?

You'll never get those years back, and I'm struggling with the reality of that tbh. I always thought the heartbreak would have been worse but would it really have been?

It's kind of pointless now because I can't change anything, but I need to talk about it anyway.

Thanks . I am fine. I have a good life and a good husband and family. I did feel like I was sucker punched when I found out about his death. I don't know if I thought having the 'possibility' of him out there made it easier to live with the regret. With him gone forever that idea can't exist.

Naturally, I have no idea what what would have happened with us and our relationship didn't have to endure normal boring life. So I try to focus on that. I think the bigger regret really is the person I was back then. Or more of a sadness. I never could beleive that anyone would like me. I lived in fear and my life was a bit of a mess for a long time. I am sad for me and wish to god I'd got some help. I genuinely thought this guy didn't really like me enough and felt sorry for me. I was so in love with him.

i am considering deleting his facebook legacy page to stop me thinking about him. I still have little notes and things he gave me hidden away somewhere. I feel terrible that I carry this torch. I love my husband, I really do. But the other guy will forever be unresolved. I've made it my mission now NOT to avoid things. I honestly think it's better to know.

@TaraRhu I totally understand all of that. I feel the same about the person I was then, too.

Your last paragraph reflects how I feel also. 😌

I'm glad you're ok but sending you big hugs anyway!

Decided to make a go of it with the one who may well break my heart. Four and a bit months in he's just worked out that he loves me and things are accelerating. I was never going to put myself into this position again... but here we are. I did think about stopping before I got hurt, but you get one shot at this life.

Good luck @sofffty I really hope it continues to work out well. Shipping you big time!

Also, how brave you are! Do you mind me asking (roughly) how old you are, or at what stage of life you're in?

I cried again today.

Admittedly it's getting less often, and I'm keeping myself busier which helps.

And we have really slowed down contact.

Sometimes it still just hits me though.

It's a grieving process alright. I wish I knew how better to handle it, until then I just let the tears flow when they want to.

I think that's the only thing you can do @Ihaveregrets 💐

It seems you’re heart broken anyway right now? I say we regret the things we didn’t do rather than what we did. Our existence is enriched by experiences we have, go bold! Who knows you may have found out you’re wrong for each other but you’d have experienced what it’s like to be loved and love in a unique way.

Saw your last post, hugs my love. Yes this will pass and you will be ok ❤️

If I apply your question to a relationship I had (that I thought was the one), in hindsight I'd say prefer to have never tried. My rationale is that it hurt so much when it ended. Although time healed, I have been quite content - so the heartbreak was not really "necessary" if that makes sense? I could have used that time being content all along.

That's a large part of why I won't put myself on the monstrosity of dating apps, I am not interested in being judged by strangers as worthy or not; plus it saves me from feeling as shitty as I did last time. May as well just get on with my nice life as it is.

if only we knew now back then hey… think everyone gets this way and I do believe it comes up stronger if we have something missing in our current life. Then I think I may still have another 25 years to go…..

No need for either, you just get a cat and 20 years later you get another one.

Then you are wasting your time and energy crying about the 'might have beens'.
You made the decision that you made with the information that you had at the time. Now you need to concentrate on enjoying the life you have built for yourself without him.

If you’re crying then might be something else going on? Yes to pining but no to crying

OP are you married?

I went through something eerily similar, I had to really focus on what path I had chosen, and why. It was based on the knowledge & experience I had then. And I have really had to reinforce that in my own head.

Similar to you I subsequently reconnected and found out he thought differently to how I thought he did. The yearning was strong, and the missed opportunities felt like a heartbreak in itself.

Try to forgive yourself. You cannot know where that path would’ve taken you. You have to try to find happiness within yourself.

(or at least this is the mantra I try to use!)

Oh just re reading - we cut contact. We tried a few different things, nothing worked until we said goodbye for good.

I promise you it was far easier than I thought it would be.

Heyy, just caught back up with Mumsnet.
Thanks, OP!
I'm a bit older and have several long-term relationships under my belt. I've had to think long and hard about this one. The time between me realising that I'd fallen for him, and him feeling the same way about me was bloody horrible. It's still very much take each week as it comes, and it may turn out to be too much for one or both of us in the end. In our own ways we both have some tricky stuff going on.
I wasn't going to have another relationship - but here we are! We've done some brilliant and amazing things, and some very normal and rather lovely things too. Waking up with somebody is just brilliant.

Been there, done that, bought the bloody T-shirt.

In my twenties, I dated someone I was absolutely mad about. Everyone told me it was a bad idea and to be careful. Naturally, I ignored all available intelligence and flung myself into it with the enthusiasm of a woman who'd never heard of a red flag.

It lasted a year. Months of being treated like crap, a broken heart, and him eventually dumping me. The full romantic experience, then.

Looking back, I wish I'd spent that year doing literally anything else. Going to the gym, making money, learning a language, alphabetising my spice rack. Anything that didn't involve being love-bombed by a complete cockwomble who turned out to be about as emotionally rewarding as a parking ticket.

The trouble with these situations is that you can become so invested in the potential of someone that you lose sight of the reality. You're busy starring in your own romantic fantasy while the actual man is busy demonstrating why everyone told you to steer clear.

My advice? Stop auditioning for the role of the woman who finally makes a difficult man love her properly. Ditch the fairytale, build a life you genuinely enjoy, and become your own hero.

Because the plot twist is that you don't need a man to give you a happy ending. And frankly, some of them aren't even qualified to write the first chapter.

Thank goodness for this site and all of you for giving me empathy, other perspectives, advice and everything else in between ❤️❤️

It's not easy to be this honest with anyone else in my life, for obvious reasons and this has been a much needed outlet. I really appreciate it.

Update, almost a month with zero contact and today I'm feeling teary again, and wondering how he is.

I may be wrong but I get the impression he's staying away for self preservation, and I'm not pushing it either.

I keep seeing videos of him online which isn't helping me - he's a creative and was pretty successful when I first knew him. I think my algorhythm can be blamed for that because I'm not following any of those accounts.

Gut wrenching tbh.

Thanks for reading if you're still with me. It helps to write things down occasionally.

Oh love, it’s tough isn’t it.

I promise you it will get better.

Look up some of the limerance coping strategies - I posted earlier on this thread as I think (all due respect you’re keeping details vague) I’m going through something not entirely dissimilar, and although it’s mutual & feelings are/were very real, because, for whatever reason, you can’t be together or know how it would have been if you were together, some aspects of limerance may apply.

Can you block his sites on your feed? I know these steps are tough too, but best in the long run. Sometimes you do just need to wallow briefly in the misery though.

I wonder often if mine is ok, how is he doing with all this, but we’ve both requested of each other to respect the no contact so we just have to tough it out.

@Tithe do you mind if I ask how long ago you went nc?

Thank you for the advice. I always thought limerance was one sided. I probably need to look it up properly.

I'm now wondering if I should write a last 'from the heart' message to him, to maybe explain that I understand, that the distancing should be intentional from both of us, that it's for good reasons, and maybe just be honest with him after all the dancing around the fucking facts I've been doing for so many months.

Maybe that would help me move on? I feel like there's so much I would like to have said that I haven't. Maybe that's what is holding me back? 😢

Have drafted something, bawling my eyes out while doing it. Am I just being selfish though?

I don’t think you’re wrong to draft a letter, in fact I think it’ll really help to coalesce all your thoughts.

Maybe do one big everything draft. Sit on it. Then do a concise version to send?

In answer to your question we’ve been no contact a couple of months now. Life goes on. But I still hurt for what could’ve been then and would be impossible now.
Turns out we had a real sliding doors moment in our late twenties, obviously unbeknownst to us at the time. That was tough to realise.

I did get the chance to say many of the things to him I would’ve wanted to, good & bad, he wasn’t quite (😂) so open with me in straightforward terms, but I know he has (up to to the point of no contact at least) strong feelings.

I do miss him, but hopefully that will fade. Conventional heartbreaks were easier than this!

All the best.

Everything happens for a reason, i would choose the regret of never trying.

Write the letter but don't send it. It does seem like you're hoping for a big romantic reunion on receipt.