What would you choose? Major broken heart, or regret that you never tried?

[Ihaveregrets]

N/C but long time user.

Would you rather have had a (potentially brief but amazing) relationship with someone you were mad about, followed by a guaranteed utterly heartbreaking split?

Or regret that you never tried 25 plus years later when you reconnect, but it's just not possible now?

If it's the latter, how do you cope with that?

You'll never get those years back, and I'm struggling with the reality of that tbh. I always thought the heartbreak would have been worse but would it really have been?

It's kind of pointless now because I can't change anything, but I need to talk about it anyway.

i think the problem with the ‘it’s better to have loved and lost’ is that it says nothing about how many of us are programmed in childhood to yearn for cold adults. I’d say it’s better to learn why we love people who can’t love anyone.

'I didn't think he liked me enough. Now I can see that he actually did like me more than I thought but he was also being cautious.'

How can you see that now, OP?

I suspect that I know the answer. Is he telling you this now? Be careful, OP.

I would choose not having a broken heart and always having the ‘what if’. I have a friend very similar and over the many years of our friendship we have loved each other at different times or sometimes the same time but something was always in the way. It wasn’t meant to be and now I’m older I think it definitely wouldn’t have worked out.

You need to let this go @Ihaveregrets . The fantasy of an amazing relationship only exists in your head. It doesn't sound like he would have been the love of your life - "he was chaotic, he had a lot of things to work out, there would have been collateral damage" etc etc etc. Those all sound like massive red flags, not the love of someone's life.

For whatever reason you have concocted something meaningful and wonderful in your mind - it isn't real. Don't waste time on a delusion - get out there and live the amazing life that you have right now!

Thank you 😔

Do you ever wonder about the future though?

Thank you.

OP, it's okay. And although you are reluctant to write too much, I do understand.

What you need to think about is that this is where affairs often begin. It starts as emotional and becomes physical. Happens more nowadays because of the ability to more easily contact someone.

Your friend may not be writing the stuff he is about how much he liked you back then with a view to start anything - but he might be. And, either way, it's irrelevant. It's bringing old feeling to the surface. You are basically at the top of a slippery slope. The only way really to not start slipping further down it is to stop contact with him now.

All the best.

Not now I don’t but in the past I did. I’m very happy now and so is he, I think things have worked out as they should.

If you know deep down that it’s not going to work and that it would cause you upset then don’t do it. Protect yourself and keep the friendship.

I don't think I understand - if you know it would have a guaranteed split then whale is there to regret? I would never regret not going into something that would definitely never work out, no!

Because I feel like I never got him out of my system.

I don't feel any of this about the exes I had proper relationships with.

Thanks again, it means such a lot that you get it.

It can't become physical as we live very far away from each other, so I guess I should be grateful for that!

That's a good thing, OP.

What’s happening in your life at the moment, OP? Frankly, what you’re describing sounds like the kind of thing most of us experience at some point in early adulthood while we’re learning about life, love and relationships. You didn’t miss an opportunity. You chose not to take it for reasons that made sense at the time (and sound pretty sensible). Something about your life now is causing you to hanker after this in a way which seems to be distressing you and is therefore unhealthy and unhelpful for you. I would focus on addressing that if you can.

You go slow. You don't go all in and you keep your wits about you.
Don't be doing any of that head of heels nonsense. That should stay in fairy tales.

Very helpful thank you.

Yes, on further reflection there were/are red flags all over this man, and with hindsight I did make the right decision as a 21 year (wow - who'd have thought that!)

My life in between has been fairly stable and happy. I am grateful.

It could actually have been easier for you in a way if you had have pursued this relationship as far as it was going to go with this guy and all his issues. Easier to get over I mean. It's not that you missed out, but the 'theoretical potential' that is still hanging in the air is probably more difficult to get over than the heartbreak you theorise would've happened had you pursued the relationship at the time. Hope that makes sense.

Yes @PoliteRaven this is what i was thinking too.

It doesn't help that my subsequent relationship was also with a red flag kinda guy, and somehow I made it come good in the end (with a lot of work and yes, heartache). Makes me wonder, what if.

Absolutely pointless to speculate! But i do it often and it sits like a weight in my chest when I do.

"Yes, on further reflection there were/are red flags all over this man, and with hindsight I did make the right decision as a 21 year (wow - who'd have thought that!)
My life in between has been fairly stable and happy. I am grateful."

"It doesn't help that my subsequent relationship was also with a red flag kinda guy, and somehow I made it come good in the end (with a lot of work and yes, heartache). Makes me wonder, what if.
Absolutely pointless to speculate! But i do it often and it sits like a weight in my chest when I do."

@Ihaveregrets - I'm guessing you're in your 40s or early 50s and it sounds to me a bit as if you are a bit bored with where your life is now and your long-term partner and imagining it would have been better if you had persevered with his guy. But I suspect that that would not be the case; if you had got together with him, you would probably be feeling exactly the same. I'm 57, several years post-menopause and loving life most of the time, but I do remember my 40s and perimenopause and there were periods which just felt like an awful grind and relentless with work and family, even though my 2 DDs were and are a huge source of fulfilment and joy and even though I mostly enjoyed my job. Now my DDs are older, DH and I have got a lot more time on our hands than we used to have and that definitely helps.

You seem to be feeling a lack of something and that is causing you to hanker after your youthful will you/won't you experience with this guy. Mid-life crises are a thing and it sounds like you're having a bit of one, albeit low key at this stage. But I really don't think this guy is the answer; it's what he represents to you - when you were starting out in your early 20s, footloose and fancy-free. He represents a road not taken and you're curious about that. I think it's normal and natural to have some mild curiosity around it but not to the extent where - as with you now - it's hurting you and leaving you yearning and dissatisfied. I would really look at whether and how you can address your feelings around this. It might help if you're able to carve out a bit of time for yourself to engage in a hobby or interest that you really enjoy and/or take up a new activity and/or reconnect with friends etc. Find yourself again.

Thanks @Dery very perceptive. I probably need a decent distraction in my life. Have always been one to wallow in nostalgia though so not sure how to combat that.

I'm very lucky in all respects, I don't know why I do this.

Yeah I'd rather not know, but I'm not emotionally minded at all.

It's why I'll never allow myself to truly let go (fall in love fully and properly) with my current partner. We live together, everything's great and I'm happy but I'll always just hold a little back, just in case

Well, the one I didn't try died a couple of years ago. I loved him and was in love with him and looking back he was with me. We kissed a few times. I had some issue in my late teens/20s really poor self esteem. I couldn't face getting my heart broken. I bitterly regret it. What an idiot. He clearly felt the same. He never settled and had a lot of gilfs that looked a bit like me. I'll never know and he had a tragic sudden death in early 40s. I always had an odd connection with him. I hadn't thought about him for a whim but had a crazy dream about him the day he died.

I married someone else. By the time I could have admitted how I felt he was with someone else and the timing didn't work out. Then when he was free I met my husband to be who I found it easier to open up to. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. Sometimes o wonder if he'd be alive if I'd made a different one.

Had a similar-ish feeling when I was young - I know that weight on chest feeling.

You're speculating because you still have some yearning - is there something you enjoy that you could do to sublimate your more romantic yearnings into - classical concerts, dancing, literature, travel?? - hope that doesn't sound trite but these feelings are are hard to rationalise.

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry darling. That's awful! That's the trouble with all the years passing, we don't even notice it and then suddenly we realise we have so many fewer years left and in some tragic cases none at all.

I hope you're ok x

Thank you, I've actually been learning to sing for the past year or so which gives me some kind of purpose. It's rewarding, but it does come with it's own emotion obviously, depending on the song!

Yearning is exactly the word. I feel like I need some other way to channel it, in a positive way.