Am I overreacting about my husband's work friend crossing the line?

[PithyCoralMentor]

Would love advice as to whether i am blowing things out of proportion or not.

I am 46, husband 48, married pretty much happily for 16 years. Two kids age 11 and 14. He works long hours in a high stress, corporate job in the city.

Over the last few years, he has become good friends with a big group of men and women at work. They go for boozy lunches, team nights out, and occasional parties at one of their houses where they all get v drunk. One other guy is his age, the others are 26-30ish. We are both v independent and i go out separately a lot as well as together and with joint friends. I have been beginning to find it slightly annoying as this group is always on whatsapp together, sharing jokes and sending each other pictures etc.

You probably already see where this is going. Recently one of this group, a 30 year old woman, Ive started to get a weird vibe about. For no concrete reason at all. I should say here that he has always had lots of female friends and ive never felt threatened - as he hasn't by my male friends.

BUT. This situation is different. Ive made a few comments about this person being his work wife etc, to which he hasnt really said much. Then for some reason on saturday we were both drunk and i started really questioning him about her - does he fancy her, etc. He then admits that at one of these mad parties about a year ago she said to him "Am i wrong in thinking there is something between us here". He claims he shut it down straight away and that was that. But crucially, he never told me.

I am now really upset about this as i didnt think we were that couple. He says it was truly nothing, never been mentioned since and didnt mention it to me because nothing to mention. But in the meantime, the group has all carried on as usual, drinking together etc and another big party a month ago.

He says he never would even think about doing anything and i think i do believe that, but it feels like a massive betrayal that he didnt tell me. I also know the group of them are going to keep having lunches and nights out together, and she will always be there. Dont even start me on what kind of person propositions their work 'friend' who is married with two kids...

Please share thoughts as i cant work out if im overreacting.

I've been hit on by male colleagues over the years, I've always firmly shut it down but I haven't told DH about it. What would be the point? It doesn't sound like you have any reason not to trust him and if you're generally happy with his boozy socialising with colleagues then I can't see a problem.

I bet more wives are hit on by than their husbands and shut it down without telling them.
No need to worry someone unnecessarily.
It could also be seen as some sort of threat/control: look at me, I get offers from others, so you'd better stay in line.

Aww your husband has told you and said he wouldn't dream of going there id trust him in that wholly.
I understand your feeling uncomfortable in that a women takes some laughs banter whatever as a way in to see if there's a chance.. cant stand those types of women no self control and very little self respect .
I dont think you have anything to worry about I think its that you love him and felt threatened he reassured you dont let it ruin you being happy together keep your own confidence in your marriage xx

Totally agree.

Bit grim that he (and they) are out partying, boozy lunches etc. With people half his age.

It wasn’t a massive betrayal - perspective is needed here but the ick shoukd come from the boozy lunches partying etc. with people closer in age to his kids then himself. That behaviour isn’t okay.

I'm 20 years older than most of the people I work with. We socialise frequently outside work, should I not go out with my friends (which they are, after working together for 10 years) because I'm old enough to be mum to about 6 of them??

I really couldn't get worked up about this. Yes it it wasn't her finest hour, but it's not like she snogged him or anything like this. However the constant partying would annoy me..

So i think, kindly, you are overreacting at him.

From his perspective, a colleague whose part of a large social group made an inappropriate comment and he shut it down immediately.

Telling you would just cause him to worry youd be upset, or that it would cause difficulties between you for no reason.

I think he did the right thing. He said no. He carried on as normal with the rest of his group. And when you dirrectly asked he gave full and immediate honesty. You have good one. Dont let's this one interaction make you doubt him.

Youre right though, shes a dick.

The old dude who hangs out with the under 35 brigade in the office because he’s still ‘so hip’ is a tale as old as time. I bet he jumps away from his female married parent peers in the kitchen in case he catches The Old from them or, horror, people realise that he and those boring old middle aged ladies are the same age and stage.

This - nothing happened that's why he didn't mention it and perhaps he knew how you would react.

I work in an environment with varying ages and have been friends with people much younger and also much older. I always find the office is a leveller for age. I don’t really notice to be honest. I don’t think someone should be excluded from the team social events due to being too old/young if they all get on.

This exactly.

Sorry if i sound like an old woman, I’m 50 so more you & your husband’s age group than who he pals around with, sorry parties with !.
Going to parties a lot where you get fucked up , ( because that’s the vibe I’m picking up from your post ) , is just asking for trouble .
This “ I trust him completely “ bullshit 🙄
You’re a married couple fgs with 2 young teens at home .
I’m not saying you guys shouldn’t have a life , but from what you’re saying you both go out loads separately & together.
You also mention he never stops working, so when exactly is family time here ?

Honestly he’s probably getting up to god knows what. Many of us have experience of being younger woman in that environment back in the day and there’s only one reason older, married, family men stay on late for parties and so on. It’s very depressing. The decent ones stay as long as they need to then go home at the earliest opportunity.

I have a different perspective to previous posters... As a single woman in my 20s I got propositioned by a lot of older, married male friends when out for after work drinks.

ALL of them came onto me and I shut it down. One got furious I turned him down and told his wife that I had come on to him (despite the fact I had blocked him/avoided him and was desperate to stop him pursuing me). I had another who repeatedly chased me and then when their partner saw the messages said it was all me.

From experience, I actually highly doubt this young woman has propositioned a man nearly 20 years older than her!! Why would she do that? There must be more to this story...

Agreed. I was constantly propositioned in my twenties. I always shut it down. I wanted to do well in my career for my brains not my boobs. And I wanted a life partner near in age to me not a wrinkly 40 something.

Despite doing nothing to encourage it 40 something men were all falling over themselves to tell me how terrible their marriages were. It was deeply depressing.

That said I definitely knew some young women who were flattered by the attention

Yeah, I think it happens a lot to young women at these sort of after-work events

Hmm. It is possible she had reason to ask him that. And that he is desperately minimising now. He had to tell you something because your instincts were bang on.

More conversation is needed - about boundaries amidst all this boozing and socialising.

Didn't mention it as not significant to him as he shut it down. You don't trust her but more to the point do you trust him? If so. Case closed. Don't waste any more energy on it. They have just been having a laugh and she misread it for something it wasn't.