Am I overreacting about my husband's work friend crossing the line?

[PithyCoralMentor]

Would love advice as to whether i am blowing things out of proportion or not.

I am 46, husband 48, married pretty much happily for 16 years. Two kids age 11 and 14. He works long hours in a high stress, corporate job in the city.

Over the last few years, he has become good friends with a big group of men and women at work. They go for boozy lunches, team nights out, and occasional parties at one of their houses where they all get v drunk. One other guy is his age, the others are 26-30ish. We are both v independent and i go out separately a lot as well as together and with joint friends. I have been beginning to find it slightly annoying as this group is always on whatsapp together, sharing jokes and sending each other pictures etc.

You probably already see where this is going. Recently one of this group, a 30 year old woman, Ive started to get a weird vibe about. For no concrete reason at all. I should say here that he has always had lots of female friends and ive never felt threatened - as he hasn't by my male friends.

BUT. This situation is different. Ive made a few comments about this person being his work wife etc, to which he hasnt really said much. Then for some reason on saturday we were both drunk and i started really questioning him about her - does he fancy her, etc. He then admits that at one of these mad parties about a year ago she said to him "Am i wrong in thinking there is something between us here". He claims he shut it down straight away and that was that. But crucially, he never told me.

I am now really upset about this as i didnt think we were that couple. He says it was truly nothing, never been mentioned since and didnt mention it to me because nothing to mention. But in the meantime, the group has all carried on as usual, drinking together etc and another big party a month ago.

He says he never would even think about doing anything and i think i do believe that, but it feels like a massive betrayal that he didnt tell me. I also know the group of them are going to keep having lunches and nights out together, and she will always be there. Dont even start me on what kind of person propositions their work 'friend' who is married with two kids...

Please share thoughts as i cant work out if im overreacting.

My advice would be to keep this in perspective. You’re not happy about what this woman has done, but your husband nipping it in the bud is not a “massive betrayal”. Tell him you’d like to be told sooner (immediately) if this woman (or anyone) tries to cross the line again. If you trust him, then let him deal with it.

Let him sort it. Not sure what your stress is about. 🤷‍♀️

He didn’t mention it, because he felt it was of no consequence.

What’s makes you suspicious of her?

I think you either trust your dh or not.

No, OP, I wouldn't trust a woman like that.

Is she looking for "something better"?

Bitch.

I think i would be concerned that as a 48 year old man with 2 children he is chosing a drinking and party life style with a group of people young enough to be his children. I would find that absolutely off putting and i wonder how this younger crowd feel about these 2 older guys joining in their partying and drinking.

I don't know why you are directing your anger at this woman. I doubt her remark came out of nowhere. You have absolutely no idea what goes on at these social events if a lot of drink is involved. Either you continue to trust him. And let him get on with his drinking and partying . OR perhaps you have a conversation with him about growing up.

Why is a 48 year old man hanging out with people over twenty years younger than him?

She has behaved atrociously. Why do women behave like that to married men. Particularly when they are also colleagues. Grim.

He really should do the decent thing and not socialise with her any more though. And I think really he should have told you

He handled it really well. I have not told DH when people have said things like that to me. People try it on. Meh.

He did well, Didnt he, to shut it down.

That was my thought too. I find that slightly odd?

Sure, as long as he is telling me the full story - tbf i would never have known had i not had a sixth sense and pushed it. Kind of wondering what else there might be that i dont know...

Sure, as long as he is telling me the full story - tbf i would never have known had i not had a sixth sense and pushed it. Kind of wondering what else there might be that i dont know...

I do see what youre saying. All i would say is that we don both still socialise and go to parties a lot, so that in itself isnt odd for us. However clearly i am not going to parties with men 20 years younger than me and keeping it quiet when they make a move...

Not sure why you think it's your husband's fault that a woman flirted with him. She made a (very tentative, from the sound of it) attempt at testing the water and he shut it down. I don't see why he should have told you. I wouldn't tell my boyfriend if someone had said that to me and I'd shut it down. There's nothing to tell. What would be the benefit of telling you about something that would just piss you off, when it came to nothing?

I'm surprised that a big group of men and women are still having boozy lunches in The City!

Not among the City workers whom I know

I would be very surprised that a woman would make a comment like that to a married man completely out of the blue. He may have shut it down, but is he being honest about how much flirting and ego stroking led to the point where she said it? You’re never going to know the truth but I get why you feel uneasy. Maybe it’s time he grew up and stopped partying with people 20 years his junior. Potential line crossing aside, I’d find that behaviour spectacularly unattractive.

Tbh I wouldn’t tell my DH if someone made a pass at me. I would instantly shut it down and would never dream of cheating. I’d feel telling my DH would come across as me trying to make him jealous or insecure when there’s no need

What energy was he giving off for someone to come out with that? It’s an odd thing to say.

Would you have told him if this happened to you? Or would you have thought ‘fuck fuvk fuck I’ve totally given off the wrong signals, spouse is going to kill me, better just keep quiet and talk about spouse more at work’

people get offers, it happens, don’t go looking for reasons for trouble but maybe try and spend a bit more time together. It’s easy to grow apart when kids grow up.

And yes she should have known much, much better. As she will one day realise if she gets married herself.

I'm surprised at the number of people thinking there is something wrong with being friends and going out with someone younger than them.

Since when was it not okay to socialise with other age groups? And why is it not appropriate once you get to that age to go on a boozy lunch or a night out with people you work with, or go to an occasional party?

I am early 50's but have friends who are in their late 20's and 30's but also have friends in their 60's. God forbid, but someone who I go for coffee with each week, and consider a friend, is 82!

Life is for living and I certainly still have the energy to compete with the younger lot. Being told to grow up because you still like to have some fun is weird to me.

As for the woman making the comment, so what? He shut it down and it was insignificant to him so he didn't mention it. To be honest, if that had happened to me I wouldn't have mentioned it to my DH either. Its pointless, irrelevant and doesn't mean anything. Not worth mentioning IMO.

She didn't make a move as such, she just said she thought that there was something there between them which he shut down. She tested the water and got burned.

If he has never given you any other reason to not trust him then just let this go. But maybe say that if anything like this happens again that you would prefer to know.

A younger woman hit on him a bit, he shut her down, so that's no big deal.

You interrogating him is an issue. I would resent that.

And I am not the cool wife type.

An even bigger issue is he's pushing 50 and constantly partying with people just a bit over half his age as well as drinking with your couples friends. He's trying to keep up with young men in their prime and that's problematic given his age. He's at the age where he should be doing less drinking, not having boozy lunches and partying like he's 30 again. He's not and he is going to fry his liver and possibly his kidneys and brain if he keeps it up. It won't make him young again, rather the opposite.

Are there other substances involved?

You two have kids and having an alcoholic parent is fucking awful.

What was it that started the weird vibe about her?

Well… Alcohol becomes more harmful with age because older adults reach higher blood alcohol levels from the same drink, experience stronger cognitive and physical impairment, and have bodies that are less able to repair alcohol‑related damage.

That’s because you probably don’t work in a corporate environment. It’s the norm there.

Interesting stuff but I will also add that it's also extremely tasty, and enjoyable, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying a few boozy lunches or night outs which includes it.

OP said nothing about him being drunk or having an issue with alcohol, that is not what she has an issue with. But I understand that MN hates people who have a drink and anyone who drinks more than a pint of beer a fortnight is an alcoholic 🙄😂