DH acting differently, am feeling highly suspicious and quite fragile because of it....

[ICantDoItAnyMore]

DH is an all round excellent father and wonderful husband. I have always felt loved and comfortable around him. On top of that I have always fancied him rotten.

I think/thought that he felt the same.

But recently he has been acting out of character and I have had the feeling for some time now that he has feelings for someone who he works with. Who incidently is a a very likeable person.

I'm not sure if anything has happened between them. DH seems very distant.

He has recently said things to me calling my weight and apperance in to question and hiding it in a jokey way IYSWIM. He has never done this before. He has always said how much he loves my body, even if I am a bit on the chubby side.

He has suggested that I go on a diet, again he has never done this before.

I actually weigh less now than I did before I was PG. I am 2 dress sizes smaller that I was before I was PG. I am currently at the smallest I have ever been since I've known DH. This is why I don't understand where he is coming from.

This morning I had my breakfast which consisted of a small bowl of fruit and fibre with semi skimmed milk. I was still actually quite hungry so I went to do myself a piece of wholemeal toast. and he said to me to have an apple or banana instead

I think he wants to be with this woman he works with and I think that he doesn't love me anymore . If it is the case i would rather him just leave. I don't want to be with someone who does not want me. I wont stop him from seeing DD.

I don't know what his problem is.

I need advice and some sympathy please.

sending you lots of sympathy vibes.

How old is he? Could it be a mid-life crisis?

Have you asked him why your weight is now suddenly an issue for him?

Has he put on weight himself recently and projecting his feelings about his own weight on to you instead of facing his own problems?

Sympathy from me too (xxxxx) and my advice is to talk to him. You can try to guess till the cows come home, but you need to tell him honestly how you feel and ask him what is going on. Tell him that not understanding is hurting you so much.

And tell him what you said in your op, because I think it's very powerful. "If you don't love me anymore, I would rather you leave. I won't stop you seeing your daughter, but I cannot live like this, it is too painful."

OMDB, thanks for the sympathy vibes. he is 29 this year.
DH has, like me, alway been a bit on the chubby side. But nope he hasn't put weight on recently.

When he has made a comment re my weight and appearance I have asked him what the problem is and he dresses the comments up in a jokey manner IYSWIM.

I think its the fact that he has NEVER done or said anything about this before. And all the talk of his colleauge (SP? just makes me highly suspicious atm.

I haven't eaten since breakfast and I'm really hungry, but I dont want to eat anything as I'm worried he will say something. This is not like me, usually if someone tells me not do something it's like a reg rag to a bull with me, I would go out of my way to do it. Like a big 'fuck you' to them.

I don''t like the way he is making me feel about myself.

Thanks Hecate, I will ahve to talk to him eventually about it, just need to work up the courage.

This is not me, I am not normaly like this

If you can't talk, maybe you could write it all down and give it to him before you pop out for an hour? Gives him time to digest your words.

I dont know your reasons for truly suspecting your dh might fancy his colleague however from the general gist of your post i figure theres more to it than that.

Do not at any time feel you are less worthy of love because you are plumper/uglier/spottier/hairier thn anyone else if you cannot love yourself and think ok i may be a size 16 my tummy isnt what id want really but i have fab tits and a little mascara shows my eyes off beautifully.

your obsession with your weight and food you eat i think is hiding a bigger issue i may be chatting shit but is it an easier problem to face than what you really should be facing.

if your dh didnt fancy you nymore he wouldnt give a toss what you te he certainly wouldnt be gently helping you to make better food choices could it be your dh sees how well you are doing and is guiding you so you dont undo all your hard work?has something happened that has made your dh want to 'father' you??

ok ill cut to the point i think you have a bigger problem you are hiding by saying its food and diet and your dhs comments.......your dhs colleague is the person YOU long to be and perhps once were??

if im off the mark please understnd i dont intend to upset you but if what i, a total stranger have observed is true then how much are YOU hurting an innocent dh???

i dont mean physically hurting him

windygales, I see what you are saying, and you haven't upset me, but you are way off the mark.

I have always been fine about food, never ever in my whole life has food ever been a problem for me.
I have always eaten healthily and walk approx 5 miles a day (with dogs and DD), with the odd take away and snack, you know every so often. I love to cook, it is one of my fave pastimes. Cooking is my way of relaxing.

I haven't been trying to loose weight, I am only slightly over weight. Apparently I should be between 10 stone 10 ounces and and 11 stone 7 ounces. I am 12 stone 1 ounce!!

I lost a lot of weight during my PG due to morning (all day) sickness and just not wanting to eat.

I haven't mentioned weight or food to DH in this context. He is the one that has brought it up, not me.

He is the one that wont stop talking about how wonderful his colleauge is.

I am not hurting him, I haven't shouted, argued, swore, been nasty to him. I haven't even spoken to him about it apart from to ask why he was making nasty comments re my weight and appearance.

I don't want to be anyone else, I am happy being me. If people don't like me for me then I couldn't give a fig. But I do care what DH thinks about me, that is why I am finding it hard.

bump

You've got to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling I think. He will either say omg I#m sorry, I had no idea you felt this way or he will tell you what he really is feeling and you can at least start having an honest discussion. I think you are making lots of assumptions and jumping to conclusions here but the only person who can help or put your mind at rest in any way is your dh.

im sorry icdta xxx please accept my apologies.

WWW, your right, but it's so hard, I mean, how the hell do I start the conversation with him??

I mean, do I just say to him, I don't think you love me any more and I think you have feelings for your colleauge!!!!

Thats ok windygales, no apologies needed

thank you for posting.

no dont say that he will then use that man excuse that YOU are neurotic id comment on how your relationship has changed and ask him why??

No, no, don't go galloping off down that road! Wait until the child/ren are in bed, tell him you want to talk to him and ask him to talk to you about how he's feeling. Tell him you are feeling upset about the weight comments but REALLY, try not to blame him or be accusatory, just because it won't help. I think you can talk about how you feel and about his being distant without accusing him of an affair. Ask him what he thinks would improve things between the two of you. I realise the non accusatory thing is easier said than done, I am better at the theory than the practice, recognise it gets a better result.

Really, jumping in with your unfounded worst nightmare imaginings won't help! Once he's told you a bit more aobut how he's feeling and why he's been saying these things then maybe you could tell him you were worried about it. But if you do even then, I'd be fairly low key about it.

Hi I cantdoitanymore,

Re your comment:-

"He is the one that wont stop talking about how wonderful his colleauge is".

What sort of things is he saying about her to you?. Do you feel he is becoming gradually more involved emotionally with her and keeping things from you?. Do you know whether they've worked closely together on some long term project and or if he's been to lunch regularly with her (if so have you known about this?).

Such things can start innocently enough (many people do not have the intention to actively start an emotional affair) but emotional affairs can escalate.

You're going to have to talk frankly and calmly (you do not want to rant and rave) to hims. Him making jokey comments about your weight and appearance is disrespectful; did that start around about the time he started to talk about her?.

I agree it's not on for him to make comments aobut your weight etc too.

I wouldn't get into the subject of this other woman. It's pretty normal for people to have crushes, it's the fact he's commenting weirdly on your weight, and being distant, that's a problem.

If things were good between you, you wouldn't feel threatened by him noticing someone else, you might even be able to tease him a bit about it.

I'd just aim for something like 'I feel you've been a bit distant lately, and I've been hurt by your remarks about food and my weight. Are you ok? Are we ok?'

Atilla, his comments range from how nice a particular top is that she wore one day, to how nice she is to how well educated she is. Just things like that. He talks about her a lot. Pretty much all sentences, with re to his work, start with her!!!!

She is a nice person, I have met her and she did the photos for our DD christening.
As a group of 5 people in his office they go out a lot. This usually wouldn't bother me, he has never given me any reason to worry about him being faithful. But I get a knot in my stomach when they all go out now. I like feeling this.

yes the comments on my weight and appearance started when his colleauge started working in the office.

WWW that sounds like a really good way to do it. I'm gonna have to work up the courage though. It's best if I hear the truth, but it is still hard wondering what the truth is.

Windygales, thats what I don't want, I don't want to come across as neurotic. Cos I'm not normally.

I am feeling positively sick now

apart from the comments about your weight, how are things between you?

Do you still communicate? do things together? have an active sex life? Has anything else changed at all?

I agree with www, you need to talk to him, to firstly make him aware that his comments are hurtful, and secondly to try to establish whether there are issues that you are unaware of.

And imo the sooner you do this, the sooner you will be able to either deal with whatever issues there are, or put it all behind you.

Generally things are fine between us, we still comunicate, we have an active sex life, maybe not as often as I like but I cant complain.

I suppose things can get a bit weird after having a baby. DD is 7mo now.

I really want to tell him that his comments are hurting me and upsetting me but I'm worried that he will just say that he is joking around and I will look unreasonable and out of order to bring it up.

Personally I would tell him that the fact he is always talking about this woman makes you feel uncomfortable and could he help you to feel more secure and loved atm
it's then up to the two of you to work out what that would mean - eg he might realise it is a bit crass to always be bigging her up, or he could pay you more attention, or something else that would help you

I don't know if the weight thing is connected or not - but just something from my personal experience - dp's weight has always gone up and down and while I had no problem with this when we first met, I do prefer it now if he is slimmer - not because I want him to look like anyone different, but mostly because we now have children and he's 10 years older. I worry about his health, and I think it sets a good example for our son. It doesn't say anything bad about how I feel about him or anything like that, so why not try to discuss this honestly with your dh also and find out if there might be some reasons behind his comments.

FandZ, thats a good point, I wonder if he's worried about my weight for my sake?!?!?!?!

But I am healthy, I get plenty of excersize eat healthily.

I really am gonna have to talk to him aren't I.