DH acting differently, am feeling highly suspicious and quite fragile because of it....

[ICantDoItAnyMore]

DH is an all round excellent father and wonderful husband. I have always felt loved and comfortable around him. On top of that I have always fancied him rotten.

I think/thought that he felt the same.

But recently he has been acting out of character and I have had the feeling for some time now that he has feelings for someone who he works with. Who incidently is a a very likeable person.

I'm not sure if anything has happened between them. DH seems very distant.

He has recently said things to me calling my weight and apperance in to question and hiding it in a jokey way IYSWIM. He has never done this before. He has always said how much he loves my body, even if I am a bit on the chubby side.

He has suggested that I go on a diet, again he has never done this before.

I actually weigh less now than I did before I was PG. I am 2 dress sizes smaller that I was before I was PG. I am currently at the smallest I have ever been since I've known DH. This is why I don't understand where he is coming from.

This morning I had my breakfast which consisted of a small bowl of fruit and fibre with semi skimmed milk. I was still actually quite hungry so I went to do myself a piece of wholemeal toast. and he said to me to have an apple or banana instead

I think he wants to be with this woman he works with and I think that he doesn't love me anymore . If it is the case i would rather him just leave. I don't want to be with someone who does not want me. I wont stop him from seeing DD.

I don't know what his problem is.

I need advice and some sympathy please.

You dont mention what this other woman looks like - Is she alot slimmer than you?
Is he comparing you to her do you think?

the thing is it could be any number of reasons
you have no way of knowing while you are just guessing
whatever comes out of this, you sound quite lacking in confidence about yourself and like you could do with a bit of a boost
having a young baby is hard and you tend to get subsumed by that role instead of feeling loved etc as a woman
I know it is cheesy but if possible could you do some things that make you feel more happy about yourself and more happy together as a couple? my first suggestion is always exercise, because it makes me feel so much more positive and confident about everything

Men can often start criticising their wives out of the blue if they are trying to create a reason/justification for an affair, or for wanting one.

It sounds extremely likely that your instinct is correct and he has feelings for someone else.

Might be wrong but it's classic - man feels guilty, man has a pop at wife for anything he can grasp at, because he wants to feel justified in his actions

Poor you x

And if this helps prove the point, once my ex left his wife after an outrageous affair, he had the gall to blame it on the fact she 'kissed funny'

Together 10 years and that was the best he could come up with, it was really lame. Of course it couldn't be anything to do with the fact he was a selfish b*stard!

Stirlingmum, yes she is slimmer than me.

FandZ, I really will talk to him. he is in bed atm after getting in a 3.30am, had been out with his colleauges AGAIN!!

Flllight, do you really think so

yep you're going to have to talk to him, but keep it to how you've been feeling hurt as a result of the weight comments. Do not mention that you are paranoid about him having an affair with his colleague, even on the off chance that he is it won't do the situation any good. Let him know instead that you just want to understand his point of view, why is your weight suddenly open to comments from him, why is he acting different?

He may have developed a bit of a crush on this other woman, but that doesn't mean he will be unfaithful to you or that he suddenly loves you less. We wouldn't be human f we didn't occasionally develop crushes on other people, it is the choice not to act on such feelings that make us faithful, not the non-existance of feelings for others. It probably won't last if it is a crush anyway.

Try not to let your mind run away with worst case scenarios and let panic and worry eat up inside you. Instead just talk to him, find out what's actually going on, in a calm and supportive manner to your DH. As you said, you don't want to come across as neurotic, he's hardly going to open up to you then is he?

Best of luck, x

FLiight he might have feelings for this other woman, but that doesn't mean he will be unfaithful or wants to be or doesn't still love his wife.

Being faithful is all about not acting on feelings for others, and having some self-control and respect for your partner, rather than about never having these feelings for others in the first place.

And if he has feelings for this other woman, but stays faithful to his wife, then he's done nothing wrong imo.

Although I agree he could be feeling guilty. The weight comments are hurtful and wrong and need to be addressed.

I do think he has a crush on her. That I can deal with. I have had crushes on people (never acted on them) but I never made nasty comments to DH about his appearance or anything. I never talked about the person constantly.

Those are the issues you need to talk to him about. The comments about your weight, and, treading a bit more carefully so as not to sound gealous or neurotic, the constant appreciative comments about this other woman.

On the one hand it's good that he's open with you and talking about her, but even an idiot knows that any woman's self-esteem will take a beating if their partner is constantly praising another woman! Perhaps jokingly say to him that you'd like to hear more about his other colleagues too, not just her!

I'm really sorry if I sounded harsh, not very clear thinking tonight, my fault

I am sorry. From my experience it often does mean the man has a crush on someone, but not necessarily that he has slept with or done anything else with her.

So chin up and try not to panic. It might just mean he fancies her - I was trying to emphasise that whatever he is saying in this way it isn't really about your weight etc - but you know that as you don't have a problem with weight.

I really hope you can find out what is happening but please don't blame yourself in any way xx

OMDB, thats a good way to do it, great advice thanks, it comes across as non confrontational then. Thank you. Next time he mentions her I will jokingly laugh and ask about his other colleauges.

Flllight, you didn't sound harsh, TBH you said what I am thinking.

I just hope when I talk to him about this he understands.

I really would rather him leave me if he doesn't want to be with me.

From personal experience - if he is talking about her alot, I would be more concerned if he suddenly stopped talking about her - this is usually a major sign of guilt!

that is a very good point stirling!

Agreed, at the moment he MAY fancy her. When he stops talking about her then things could have progressed. I think you should focus on what is happening between you and not talk about his colleague as already advised in this thread. Sounds like he is a good all round guy. Talk to him as a wife but also as a friend. So spend some time asking him if he is happy/content etc. He may then reciprocate. But don't go straight for the accusatory mod, is my adice.

...accusatory mode, is my advice.

talk to him first in the morning. start by saying you noticed he mentioned your weight and deiting and ask (in a joking way) what happened to liking your body a little on the chubby side.
do not bring work or colleagues into this conversation even though you might really be tempted too!
try to plan a romantic evening alone for the two of you and see how into it he is.....
be super nice and loving and remind him of all the reasons he loves you.
perhaps he has some itnerest in this colleague but has not had anythign happen yet, and is testing the waters - trying to find out how you react to him being less attentive (subconsciously)

I haven't read all the posts but, I just wondered if he could be feeling a bit insecure about himself, if he is feeling less than attractive or in need of some attention and maybe projecting this onto you. The thing with the colleague could be an attempt to make you a little jealous. Just a thought

The two panaceas that I trot out seem particularly apt:

1)Show some confidence in yourself. You sound in good shape so act loving but confident with your own agenda. For many men this is worth more than a few pounds here or there.

2)Do some exercise with him e.g. play some sport. That way you are bonding and both doing something towards your health and well being.

Throw away the scales and have some fun in your relationship and most of all stay positive with a bit of confidence about your good qualities. So focus on the things that you can control rather than indulge in what could be speculation.

Thanks everyone, I think I will try to have a non confrontational chat whit him tomorrow. I am too emotionally tired tonight and I'm not in a good frame of mind atm, so will try tomorrow.

Thank you all for so much good advice.

I'm too worried to eat in front of him. I haven't had anything to eat since my breakfast. I'm so hungry. I'm trying to wait till he's gone to bed so that I can have a piece of toast.

I hate this feeling.
It's not me.....

Oh gosh honey, you must eat something - it doesn't matter what he thinks, it's not normal to stop eating. Even if you did want to lose weight, that wouldn't be the way to go about it, though from what I;ve read I don't think you need to lose weight at all, and your other half is being a right psycho
Please don't let his comments affect you to the point you can't eat...
Vicky
xxx

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I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but you really shouldn't let a bloke (ok he is your hubby) reduce you to this. I think that you need to say something "don't be ridiculus" when he mentions this. Then ask him if something is bothering him and that you wouldn't mind chatting to him .....

You could let him know that you are doing something about extra pounds by intensifying your exercise programme but you should not be reduced to eating disorder by his niggling.

I don't know any bloke who would stop eating because his wife said he was fat!