Pregnant and resentful of husband- advice needed.

[Banoffeepie29]

Currently pregnant and really struggling with feelings of resentment towards my DH and need reassurance that it's just my crazy pregnancy hormones! My mood has got worse as the pregnancy has progressed and i feel anxious about the future and who I am as a person. It sounds stupid but I can't help comparing myself to DH and feeling some resentment, even jealousy towards him.

He's a great husband and father, he earns well, I'm not sure how much but I think it's around the 60-65k mark. He's older than me by quite a bit and has a great career, including a recent new fantastic opportunity at work. Meanwhile, I've only ever earned minimum wage, I have no career to speak off. I only work a few hours because of childcare and earn very little compared to DH. It means I have no savings at all, partly because I was a SAHM for two years. I have no pension pot or any emergency money, no house or assets in my name, and often no money for personal things. I know H has savings but not sure how much because our accounts are completely separate, bit I think it's a fair bit. This worries me.

He also volunteers and does something really important, which he loves and I don't want to stop him, but it feels as though he has this amazing life and I'm stuck earning little money and my days off consist of ironing, washing, cleaning, tantrums, etc. He's funny and kind, so naturally very popular at work. We work in the same large building but not together but I'm often known as 'so and so's wife', which can become jarring but it's because there's nothing special about me.

I can't help comparing us and starting to find being near H really hard because i feel resentful of his success. Has anybody else felt like this towards their partner when pregnant and it has subsided afterwards?

This sounds like financial abuse, OP. You’re married with children, why don’t you have joint finances?

To me your husband doesn’t sound kind at all. It sounds like you’re struggling to make ends meet on your own while he keeps all of the money for himself.

What are you going to do when you’re on maternity leave? How will you manage for money?

You need to have a proper conversation with him about joining your finances. All money earned should be joint, so that you and the children aren’t struggling for money while he’s living a very different life.

I actually don’t think this is hormones but more the realisation that your husband is using you. You’ve looked after your kids, supported his career and for what? He’s holding all the financial cards. Have you spoken to him about this before? Because you’re financially vulnerable.

He’s not a great husband and father.

Something sounds very odd here. Are you charging him market rate for 50% of childcare as would be paid to a nanny? If not, start asap to get your savings pot going. Also, start with remote courses to get yourself furthered in the workforce when the kids go to school.

Sorry if it's a stupid question, can you explain what you mean about 'charging market rate'?

@Francine84 I will get maternity pay, it will be the lowest level but will atleast be something.

Your a married family. Famiky money is shared. If you both decided you would do childcare then you have equal access to family money i e his income. Discuss him putting maximum possibble each year into your private pension . Get wise to his assets value in case he dies or you divorce

I should've explained that DH does pay the majority of the bills, so I am very lucky in that regard, my mum always tells me how lucky I am as she had ro work full time. My money covers kids stuff and groceries. I think because of pregnancy anxiety it's just dawning on me how I actually have nothing at all.

Maternity pay is cut in half op

It doesn’t matter how many of the bills he pays, one of you shouldn’t have savings whilst the other one doesn’t even have enough spending money.

You should have access to all family money, including his income and savings and pension, if you are actually married. Please tell me you are.

@cestlavielife Thanks for your reply. I often feel like this, but then I know many couples don't have the same account and are happy. H said his parents didn't and he's never been keen on it. I think if he was going to let me he would've done it by now.

Don’t wait for him to “let you” - tell him he has to or you will start invoicing him for all of the childcare and housework hours you do that he doesn’t

@DelphiniumBlue Yes we are married. I am aware though that I have rights if he were to leave me etc.

He is financially abusing you, no wonder you resent him. You need to address this with him. It has to change. make it non negotiable

He needs to be more hands on father so you both have equal free time. He cannot be swanning off for his volunteering which makes him feel good about himself unless you both have equal opportunities to pursue own hobbies

Your situation sounds incredibly like mine when DH and I first married. It reads on paper as financial abuse, but in reality it was more complex. He never meant to be abusive financially. I was very reticent to ask for what I needed and he was not aware.

My advice is, start taking what you need from life, and from your marriage. If he has a voluntary role that he gets a lot from, then you too need equivalent time out of your mum schedule to develop your own interests. Discuss with him, in the presence of a financial advisor the discrepancy between your pension and his, your earning power and his. Having a third party there keeps it practical and not resentful. If you are willing to sacrifice your earning and therefore your pension power in order to be a good, hands on mother to his children, he needs to ensure his earning power - thanks to your sacrifice - is used to build up savings for you too. If he fails to understand this, discuss how much it would cost him to pay for childcare, to enable you to return to training to further your career. Half his salary gone in a blink. Your unpaid labour is financially extremely valuable.

If he is financially abusive, it's a different story. But it could be a mix of you feeling like you don't deserve financial stability and him being unaware there is an issue because you never discuss it.

What’s your education level OP?
How old are you?
I wouldn’t resign yourself to being a low earner just because you have kids as if it’s your only option in life.
For many of us, like me, we only started climbing the career ladder when our kids were born and yes there’s nursery or childminder fees to pay to allow women to do that but it sounds like your husband could afford it.
I went from £24k to £82k in about 4 years when I really started trying (and studied in that time for qualifications at the weekend on top of FT work). Hard at the time but worth it looking back. My advice is put that resentment energy into making a plan for yourself.

I feel so enraged when I read these threads, yet another woman being taken advantage of by her ‘lovely’ DH.

How many years is “older than me by quite a bit?” How old is he and how old are you?

I’m afraid that this is one of the primary reasons that women are cautioned against dating older men. Many of them are predatory and looking for younger, more naive women to take advantage of. Financial abuse is rife in these relationships, especially if they can get babies and maternity leave into the equation.

The main thing that struck me is that you are married but your name is not on the house? Why is that? Can you talk to your DH about that and get your name put on the deeds? If not then that is major alarm bells - why wouldn't he if you are a team and equal in the marriage?

I understand how you feel about the financial disparity. My DH was earning about the same as yours and I was earning less than minimum wage doing freelance work around parenting - he wouldn't have let me go without though. I remember crying when DD was young because I felt like all my day consisted of was drudgery (even though I loved her more than life itself). My suggestion would be to sit down and make a plan. Whether that is for a job or a business or a vocation, or re-training - even if it's not possible to actually do it now there is nothing stopping you from making a solid plan and working out all the logistics so that when the time comes you can start to build something new for yourself. Doing that around the kids is not easy, but people do it. At least if you have a goal and a direction you won't feel so helpless. Think about the life you actually want and make a plan to get it.

Why don’t you ask him about his salary and savings? You’re his wife, not his nanny. Bit of a strange and unbalanced way to conduct a relationship.

How many kids do you have?

Why on earth don't you share finances?

DH does pay the majority of the bills, so I am very lucky in that regard

You are not "very lucky" nor should you be grateful
You are marriedand you have given birth to your joint children
You both carry the financial responsibility
If you are fulfilling nanny and housework duties that is of value to the family
Get a good job or retrain and pay childcare from joint income

His is financially abusive to you. You should know exactly what he earns and have access to all accounts. Insane.

How much older is he, OP? How old were you when you got together? I could be jumping to conclusions but my guess is he was well into his career (in his 30s, perhaps older) whilst you were, say, early 20s: he had his 20s/early 30s being footloose and fancy free and you were rushed into stay-at-home-motherhood on a timetable which suited him much better than you. You’ve been unable to develop your career as perhaps you may have wished to. There are plenty of mothers who value their career and earning capacity. Becoming a father has not prevented your husband from having a sparkling career and interesting voluntary work whereas you’re being completely left behind. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to resent him. He’s pleasing himself. And it’s completely wrong that he should have savings and you should be struggling for money.