Pregnant and resentful of husband- advice needed.

[Banoffeepie29]

Currently pregnant and really struggling with feelings of resentment towards my DH and need reassurance that it's just my crazy pregnancy hormones! My mood has got worse as the pregnancy has progressed and i feel anxious about the future and who I am as a person. It sounds stupid but I can't help comparing myself to DH and feeling some resentment, even jealousy towards him.

He's a great husband and father, he earns well, I'm not sure how much but I think it's around the 60-65k mark. He's older than me by quite a bit and has a great career, including a recent new fantastic opportunity at work. Meanwhile, I've only ever earned minimum wage, I have no career to speak off. I only work a few hours because of childcare and earn very little compared to DH. It means I have no savings at all, partly because I was a SAHM for two years. I have no pension pot or any emergency money, no house or assets in my name, and often no money for personal things. I know H has savings but not sure how much because our accounts are completely separate, bit I think it's a fair bit. This worries me.

He also volunteers and does something really important, which he loves and I don't want to stop him, but it feels as though he has this amazing life and I'm stuck earning little money and my days off consist of ironing, washing, cleaning, tantrums, etc. He's funny and kind, so naturally very popular at work. We work in the same large building but not together but I'm often known as 'so and so's wife', which can become jarring but it's because there's nothing special about me.

I can't help comparing us and starting to find being near H really hard because i feel resentful of his success. Has anybody else felt like this towards their partner when pregnant and it has subsided afterwards?

I think u need to discuss putting ur name on the deeds re house. Should anything happen to ur husband or you split later on. Just enquire if you would be entitled to half the house in the event of
something happening u need that have security

This sounds like financial abuse or close to it. You need to get your name on that house, and have full access to family money if you are pretty much a stay at home parent. Otherwise I'd honestly be getting yourselves into full time work once the baby is old enough for childcare, and your DH paying his share towards the childcare. I'm married with a toddler, we don't share all money but we are both named on the house and contribute to all shared expenses relative to our take home pay, including childcare. I wouldn't consider any thing less than this.

Something is not right here. You sound very young, passive, naive? Stand up for yourself.

Me too, it's always the same pattern too. 'Kids stuff" is all hers, and groceries presumably as she cooks them all. He pays the big important bills so her name is on nothing and she is grateful 🤬. Outside world with praise and money his domain. Hers, domestic only, but of course with the added burden or trying to take paid work around it.

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry I can't always reply quickly. To answer some questions, he is early 50s and I'm mid 30s. We have been together about 11 years but not married all that time. Regarding finances, he did write out for me what are the outgoings of the house one time, because I told him I feel in the dark. He categorically does want to share bank accounts, he would have done that from the beginning if that was the case and ulis very against it. He also wouldn't mind if I was a SAHM, he wanted me to be after this baby, it was his idea to have another, although i am happy about it, but I can't do that as I will have nothing. The house one is a funny one. He claims it can't be in my name too, although I'm not sure and part of me thinks he's lying. I do get the feeling that he doesn't trust me, he was divorced before and she got the house to make it easier for him so not sure if he's wary.

TBH it doesn't sound very good the more I write. The replies have been helpful because I wasn't sure if it was my hormones. I've been very tearful all.day and night and have suffered from PND before. Its hard to trust myself at times.

Unfortunately yes, I won't have a lot at all!

@Banoffeepie29
Did you both jointly agree for you to become a SAHM?

Why won't he tell you the reasons he won't share a bank account or house ownership? Legally if he were to die first this could cause huge issues for you and the children. For instance if he is sole account holder/savings holder, you would have to wait until probate is settled to have any access to that money. That's if he has a will. The executor would have to follow his express wishes too. If he doesn't have a will, the laws of intestacy come into play and that is also a potential wait with you having no access to his accounts (or inheritance if he has other kids?)
If you haven't talked wills with him, it's imperative you do.
Does he have an ex wife? Did he buy the house before he met you? Is there someone else on the deeds? If you divorce all of this could impact your settlement.
Whatever he saved before you married might also be excluded from the financial settlement made (might).

I would suggest to him, as the family is growing, you have a sit down discussion to update or establish wills for both of you and have an appointment with a lawyer to seek advice. They would thoroughly review your circumstances and be obliged to ask questions that would include who owns the house and deeds etc.
Let's see how he deals with that. Let's see if he can bamboozle a solicitor.

Go together to a financial advisor and say it's for clarity and future planning.
Does he have kids previous then? What's the situation with inheritance and so on
You need to sort financial and planning out
If he dropped dead where does the house go ? You need to know this for your own kids.

Not sharing bank accounts is ok sometimes but then he needs to be transferring you over and paying your credit card bill each month so you can still do what you want and buy for yourself. If he refuses to send you an "allowance" or pay all the kid, food and household stuff so what you earn is literally just your maintenance money
Then you have big financial abuse problems.

Thank goodness you are married
Why don't you do an online career aptitude thing and see if there's anything you'd be good at? Or look at a good role with flexibility that you can pick up and put down easily with kids.
Carve out your own time, spa day, drinks with your girlfriends, walks and coffee, volunteering whatever. You need to physically take the time and not meekly ask for it or beg for it or seethe and resent him for it and martyr yourself. If you just do it then you will see if he is unhappy = controlling.

So he’s 20 years older than you and you got together in your mid twenties? You don’t know how much he earns or what he has in savings.

He is lying to you about why you can’t be on the house deeds, you have no personal pension and are stuck working MW because he is not taking on any childcare responsibilities to enable you to advance your career. This is all sounding very abusive, OP.

It sounds awful to say but you are likely to be a young widow. What will happen then if you have no house, no pension and no savings to your name? What will happen if he leaves the house to someone else in his will? Yeah you can contest it but that would cost a fortune and take forever.

It sounds like he preyed on a young woman and groomed her to be the quiet little wife while he continues to live his life as he always has.

@Oxymorons Thanks for that advice, I didn't realise that about probate but cine to mention it I think his mum had to wait because of this when his dad died. No he doesn't have any other kids, and we moved to this house together, he was actually renting in a flat when I met him.

Re. wills, he has mentioned that he needs to do one, and me too. He says even though I have no assets wills still include things like clothes etc. That's a good idea about both going to see the lawyer at the same time I never thought of that. Do you think a lawyer would find it strange that I wasn't on the deeds or would it be normal to them?

He does have life insurance so I am covered in that way. He wouldn't send an allowance over to me each month, he didn't even do that when I wasn't working. I did have a credit card of his early on actually just after we had our first but it was on his name and it notified him when I spent which I didn't like because in the nicest way he's quite tight and doesn't understand why women need beauty products! I forgot the pin and he never gave me the card back anyway.
You are all right that I need to get it sorted for my kids too.

We just never have. I have hinted about it in the past but he doesn't budge.

I have no pension pot or any emergency money, no house or assets in my name, and often no money for personal things

I'm sorry OP, but he knows what he's doing. If he really cared about you beyond what he can use you for, he'd be contributing your savings, or pension pot, to make up for the fact that you are staying at home, looking after the kids. Why isn't the house in your name??

That's because he's on his own side. He doesn't want you to be able to view how much money he has, what he spends it on, and despite the fact you have HAVE SACRIFICED YOUR BODY AND RISK YOUR LIFE TO HAVE HIS CHILDREN, he doesn't want you to get your grubby hands on his money. I'm surprised he even married you because men like this don't tend to do that.

Unless you have made some really unwise financial mistakes in the past, there's no excuse for this. He sound stingy. Yes, he pays the bills.....but he would be paying for his own bills anyway, wouldn't he? And you're not exactly living in abundance at the moment, are you? More like scrapping by.

Why on earth are you hinting about finances
it’s your husband. Tell him.
he can only work like he works and earn as he does because he has a live in24/7 nanny and housekeeper in you.
he can pay into a pension pot for you, he can share money he could put your name on the house. He can make sure you can save as much as he does. If he left you tomorrow you’d have nothing. You are not ‘very lucky’ and your mum has done you a disservice in telling you so.
hopefully if he’s as nice as you say he is a conversation can fix all this and hopefully it’s just been a (gigantic) blindspot of his.

Well you need to get another credit card sorted and he needs to get over being tight - in the nicest way possible he's already been through one wife so he knows how it goes! Women need stuff!

You can't look after the kids, work part time and have fuck all. Marriage is a contract, he needs to be upholding his end of the bargain by providing for you all. Surviving and just paying bills and not being able to be free to buy your frivolous purchases as well as putting yourself at a disadvantage financially and career wise

Play nice and push for financial advisor and solicitor. Maybe see a seperate one alone and see what you'd be entitled to in terms of divorce. If you'd be better off financially without ! You need to arm yourself with information and force change.

If you've no wills then now is the perfect time - when there's children to consider - that you both go and sort that very soon. At that time, assuming you'll do a joint will, make it very clear that any changes to that will whilst you are both alive need both of you to agree to the changes and make sure you both sign to that effect and it is witnessed. Men are very sneaky at times.

I think you're being played OP. Your husband wants a single life and a wee woman at home to do all the house stuff and look after the kids. He knows you don't have your own money or anywhere else to go and he wants to keep it that way. Play him at his own game. Make your own plan, do an open university degree while you're at home with the kids, get qualified, get a good job, earn your own money, give yourself options. Best of luck x

It would cost him half of all the assets at least if you decided to divorce. That includes savings, pensions, shares, house(s). Everything is in the marital pot.

Look up the property on the Land Registry and register your interest so you will be notified if it is put it up for sale without your knowledge.

Whose name is on the child benefit payment? Make sure it is you so that you get NI recognition for State pension contributions.

You are not without power in this marriage. Take out a credit card in your name that has no interest on the balance for about a year. Stop paying for anything that is for the family.

The thing about going to a solicitor together... I recall when we did our wills, the solicitor warned us they could only work for the benefit of one of us, and the other would have to get independent advice. I can't remember the details. Someone else will know more about this than me, but I'm just thinking - don't let him sort the solicitor for you 'both', make sure you have advice for yourself too.

This is really sad to read. Sounds like you struggle to discuss it in person. You could write him a letter explaining how you feel, as a discussion opener.

Do not let this carry on. It’s financial abuse, he may not be intentionally doing it, but that’s what it is and it has to stop.

The children are half his. If he wants to delegate his half of the childcare to you then he needs to also contribute more financially because you can't be doing childcare and not earning. This is sad and I think you would benefit from some support in changing how your marriage works.

I’m not sure right now is the season in your life for your husband to be doing voluntary work. Who will do his half of the parenting whilst he is doing this? Unless you have equal free time that is.

do you want to be a full time SAHM? He is not a great husband

This guy has done a complete number on you! He’s far from lovely, he’s exploited you. Seek legal advice asap.