Pregnant and resentful of husband- advice needed.

[Banoffeepie29]

Currently pregnant and really struggling with feelings of resentment towards my DH and need reassurance that it's just my crazy pregnancy hormones! My mood has got worse as the pregnancy has progressed and i feel anxious about the future and who I am as a person. It sounds stupid but I can't help comparing myself to DH and feeling some resentment, even jealousy towards him.

He's a great husband and father, he earns well, I'm not sure how much but I think it's around the 60-65k mark. He's older than me by quite a bit and has a great career, including a recent new fantastic opportunity at work. Meanwhile, I've only ever earned minimum wage, I have no career to speak off. I only work a few hours because of childcare and earn very little compared to DH. It means I have no savings at all, partly because I was a SAHM for two years. I have no pension pot or any emergency money, no house or assets in my name, and often no money for personal things. I know H has savings but not sure how much because our accounts are completely separate, bit I think it's a fair bit. This worries me.

He also volunteers and does something really important, which he loves and I don't want to stop him, but it feels as though he has this amazing life and I'm stuck earning little money and my days off consist of ironing, washing, cleaning, tantrums, etc. He's funny and kind, so naturally very popular at work. We work in the same large building but not together but I'm often known as 'so and so's wife', which can become jarring but it's because there's nothing special about me.

I can't help comparing us and starting to find being near H really hard because i feel resentful of his success. Has anybody else felt like this towards their partner when pregnant and it has subsided afterwards?

It’s not the hormones, it’s him.
you need equal free time. He wanted the babies, he doesn’t get to say you’re now committed to them 24/7 while I get hobbies and fun time. And if he says you know how important my volunteering is to me, you say I know you’re not an idiot, and you know what a baby is. You wanted these babies so I naturally assumed you wanted to be a dad and have a regular caring dad role in their life. If you wanted your life to not change you should have focussed on being a great uncle or support to friends kids. I’m human too, I matter too, and I’m going out while you do parenting and washing and tidying at least once a week while you adjust to the reality of the parenthood you chose. I’m not your slave,

Thanks again for the practical advice. It really does feel as though I am on the sidelines in a way in this marriage, I think that's what's been getting me down. I don't drive either so even travel costs a lot going to work and when I have the new baby, I want to.be able to do things with them, but he just seems to think I should be OK. I did tell him last night I don't have much money left after deducting what I needed to pay for.

Do you think I should suggest we see a lawyer together regarding a will? Will that stop him from being secretive regarding finances?

Wow. You should more like a maid rather than a wife/mother. He has done a number on you. Can you enlist friends and family irl to support you too? You really need to learn to drive too - ask husband to pay for lessons and gauge his reaction. You will ultimately need transport for the kids

You desperately need to reach out to domestic abuse charities first.
Ask for help and advice from them first.

You are in a highly controlling, financially abusive marriage.

Keeping you very poor means you are utterly controlled.

Its what sneaky bad men do.
This is not a good man.

What a pity you are pregnant.
I would be rethinking this if you can.
You are completely controlled and clearly you are only beginning to realise this.

Good men do not behave like this.
Please talk to Women's aid.

Coercive control is a crime.
You are being coercively controlled by him.

This is all perfectly true. You are in an abusive marriage and you really should contact Women's Aid or any other Domestic Violence charities. If you cannot find one speak to your Doctor's surgery, Police, Health Visitor or Midwife and they will help.

https://womensaid.org.uk/

i hope this link helps. He has put you in a very vulnerable position. You should be contributing to the household in proportion to how much you can earn. He’s not a good man if he’s happy for you to go without and have not a penny left. I know expenses for food and kids will be really high in proportion to how much you earn.

Do you have family and friends op?

Before you ask him anything, what is his behavior like? Are you scared of him giving you silent treatment or being shouted at? How is he at dealing with something that has potential for conflict to arise? If you assess this and do what you feel safe with. Do have a read of what info there is on Wonens Aid. I am a bit worried for you :(

What he is/has done is a criminal offence, so going to the police is possible. It is all your decision.

If you report to Women's aid and or the police, you may be eligible for legal aid.

Your mental health is being affected by the stress of being controlled and poor.

Of course it is.
Yours is not an unreasonable reaction to abuse.

Your gut knowsvyou are being used, controlled and abused.

Keep her poor, keep her stressed and under his control.

This is a bad man.

@Banoffeepie29 - there is no reason for your name not to be on the title deeds for your house. DH and I are both on the title deeds; we are joint owners. Your husband in his 40s went for a much younger and inexperienced woman (you) and has massively screwed you over. He has the benefits of having children and a young wife at home keeping things nice who struggles to get but financially, while he gets to keep earning good money, have savings, own your shared home and do voluntary work which people admire him for. If he wants an SAHM, he needs to give you proper financial support. He’s not doing that. Mad as it sounds, I’m glad you resent him OP. He’s behaving very badly towards you and your resentment shows that you recognise this.

@UpDownAllAround1 I did have some money saved up for driving but I spent it all because we needed things in the house. H paid for most of it but I paid for some furniture. Funnily enough i.mentioned to him last night about how hard it is not ro drive, and how I have spent all my savings now that I had. He didn't say anything, if he was going to offer to help out I think I would have then?

@AnonAnonmystery He doesn't shout much at all but has got very worked whenever I have discussed money or things with him and yes he has shouted before. He's not really a shouter, he talks down to me more and makes jokes and I'm not always sure if he's serious. Like today he said I'm not an 'easy wife' to live with but when I asked how he didn't say and said he was joking. It's hard to say but sometimes he comes across as manipulative and I don't know where I am with him and left wondering if I'm the problem.

I have thought about mentioning something to the midwives when they ask, but I don't know what to say because me and baby aren't in any danger, it's more that I'm unhappy.

Talk to the mid wife about how controlled and poor you are.

He gets shouty when you ask to shut you down.
To teach you not to ask.

This is EXACTLY what abusive men do.

I know this is a lot to take it, but you are in an abusive marriage and you are being controlled.

Only you can reach out for advice and support.
We are here for you.

You are in danger and so is your baby. He will escalate so do not attempt to make him angry. Do all you can softly with him but do tell all your healthcare professionals what is happening regarding his control of you. When you are pregnant or planning to leave that is the most dangerous time for you. But you do need to get this documented and plan to leave quietly.

Without meaning to frighten you @Banoffeepie29 , abuse usually escalates when the wife is pregnant as you are more vulnerable. Do not be encouraged to press him on matters where he gets angry for your own safety. Please get in touch with women’s aid onTuesday when he’s back in the office. The wait can be long but please persevere and speak to someone. You sound like you walk on eggshells around him from what you’ve described to me. Trust your gut, that’s why you’ve come on here, I think you know you are not the problem but you need a sense check. I am sorry you are going through this x

The talk of sacrifice is absolute nonsense. What has someone with no career sacrificed? In what way can it be said that the person with a career has it only due to someone else’s sacrifice, given that many of us live in two-career households? Who’s sacrificing for the others career in my home? In what way are mothers who also provide financially for their children (an essential function of parenting) not ‘good, hands on mums’?

OP your self esteem is incredibly low. The best time to build a career base is before you’re responsible for the needs of children; the second best time is now. It’s time to start making a plan about your own life and how it will look. The first step is definitely financial clarity - you need to know the financial situation of your family as it’s supporting multiple people. You can then make a plan about training or whatever other support you need to make a life closer to what you want.

@Clonakilla The truth is that many women prefer to stay at home and not work. Would they admit that? Not sure.
But it absolutely creates a power imbalance.