I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely worn down and I'm starting to question myself.
My husband and I have been together for years and we have three children. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice, reassurance, or to hear from people who've experienced something similar, but I feel like I can't keep living in this cycle.
A lot of this started/changed after we moved back from Canada during Covid. The decision to leave Canada was his. He didn't want the vaccine and there were changes to the rules around flying, so he decided we needed to come back to the UK with about three weeks' notice. He made lots of promises about how things would work here — he had a job lined up, we'd do this and that, we'd eventually buy a home once our Canadian home sold, etc. None of that really happened.
He refused some work because the wages weren't good enough, and being out of work meant we ended up using money from the sale of our Canadian home that was supposed to be our deposit. We subsequently lost the opportunity to buy a house we were renting that would have suited us, and we've ended up in a small terraced house that is now too small for our family.
He works part-time/ad hoc and doesn't contribute much financially. He says his ADHD makes full-time employment difficult and has only recently agreed to go through ADHD titration. He also has a drug problem, and money is spent on drugs despite him complaining that he doesn't have nice clothes, doesn't have enough money, etc. He won't engage with counselling for his mental health either.
There is also a claim relating to hearing loss from his time in the forces, and he talks about receiving the money and then leaving to "sort himself out." He's said many times that he needs to leave, that he'd rather be on his own in a house with a dog, etc. But then he comes back and everything seems to reset until the next explosion.
That's what I'm struggling with most: the cycle.
He gets frustrated, unloads everything onto me, calls me names, shouts, says he wants to leave, sometimes leaves the house in a rage, then comes back and becomes withdrawn/cold. Nothing gets resolved. Eventually things go back to normal and then it happens again.
Yesterday was particularly bad.
He told me that since we had children I've "just turned into a mam" and forgotten how to be a wife. He said he'd rather be on his own with a dog. He said he can't be a parent while he feels the way he does. When I asked him to stop discussing traumatic and negative things in front of our 8-year-old, he said something along the lines of "you can have this conversation to my coffin." When I asked him to lower his voice, he told me to keep away from him.
Then, as he was leaving the house in a rage, our 5-year-old appeared and he called him a "naughty little cunt."
And then he leaves/returns and it's almost as though I'm supposed to be the one who has done something wrong. He becomes cold and withdrawn and I find myself waiting for the next outburst.
The other huge issue is what he calls "intimacy." By intimacy, he means sex.
He believes the lack of sex is the main problem in our relationship and says I've never really wanted sex throughout our relationship. That simply isn't true. There have been periods when I absolutely did want him and enjoyed our sex life.
But how am I supposed to feel sexually attracted when I feel completely exhausted and resentful?
I'm financially supporting the family. I'm managing the house. I'm raising three children. I'm dealing with his inconsistent employment, his drug use, his moods and the consequences of decisions we've made. He doesn't regularly cook for me. He rarely does significant housework. He'll complain that he's hungry but won't cook for himself, let alone for the family. He does feed the children when he's responsible for them, but it's generally snacks, plain pasta, etc., and then he'll criticise me for things like giving them cereal.
I feel like I'm carrying everything and then being criticised by someone who isn't carrying the same load.
Even physical affection has become difficult. A kiss or cuddle doesn't feel like it can just be affection because it often turns into sexual touching or him dry humping me. So I avoid some affection because I know it will come with an expectation of sex.
He seems to think that because we're married, my lack of desire is something I should simply overcome because he needs sex to feel better.
But I feel like my body is reacting to the relationship I'm actually living in.
I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm exhausted. And honestly, I feel like he's making me hate him.
I want him to hear my side without becoming angry or interrupting me. I've tried talking, but he'll walk away, say I'm "twittering on" or tell me he can't handle it. Yet I'm expected to sit and listen while he unloads all of his frustrations, and the children often hear it too.
I've even written everything down before so he could read it without interrupting me. He didn't respond at all.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next time he decides he's unhappy and wants to leave.
At the same time, I know he has ADHD, mental-health difficulties and a drug problem, and I don't want to completely dismiss the fact that he is struggling. I have supported him through so much.
But I'm starting to wonder where my responsibility ends.
Am I wrong to feel that the lack of intimacy is a consequence of everything that is happening rather than the cause?
Has anyone experienced this kind of cycle where one partner repeatedly says they want to leave, unloads all their anger, then comes back and acts as though nothing happened?
How do you deal with someone who wants you to hear everything they feel but becomes angry when you try to explain how their behaviour is affecting you?
And at what point do you stop trying to fix things and start accepting that the relationship itself is making you unhappy?
I'm not looking for people to simply tell me to leave. I genuinely want to hear from people who have been through something similar and what happened in the end, particularly where ADHD, addiction/substance use and resentment around sex were involved.