Husband says I’ve ‘forgotten how to be a wife’ — but I feel like I’m carrying everything

[LJJWER]

I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely worn down and I'm starting to question myself.
My husband and I have been together for years and we have three children. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice, reassurance, or to hear from people who've experienced something similar, but I feel like I can't keep living in this cycle.
A lot of this started/changed after we moved back from Canada during Covid. The decision to leave Canada was his. He didn't want the vaccine and there were changes to the rules around flying, so he decided we needed to come back to the UK with about three weeks' notice. He made lots of promises about how things would work here — he had a job lined up, we'd do this and that, we'd eventually buy a home once our Canadian home sold, etc. None of that really happened.
He refused some work because the wages weren't good enough, and being out of work meant we ended up using money from the sale of our Canadian home that was supposed to be our deposit. We subsequently lost the opportunity to buy a house we were renting that would have suited us, and we've ended up in a small terraced house that is now too small for our family.
He works part-time/ad hoc and doesn't contribute much financially. He says his ADHD makes full-time employment difficult and has only recently agreed to go through ADHD titration. He also has a drug problem, and money is spent on drugs despite him complaining that he doesn't have nice clothes, doesn't have enough money, etc. He won't engage with counselling for his mental health either.
There is also a claim relating to hearing loss from his time in the forces, and he talks about receiving the money and then leaving to "sort himself out." He's said many times that he needs to leave, that he'd rather be on his own in a house with a dog, etc. But then he comes back and everything seems to reset until the next explosion.
That's what I'm struggling with most: the cycle.
He gets frustrated, unloads everything onto me, calls me names, shouts, says he wants to leave, sometimes leaves the house in a rage, then comes back and becomes withdrawn/cold. Nothing gets resolved. Eventually things go back to normal and then it happens again.
Yesterday was particularly bad.
He told me that since we had children I've "just turned into a mam" and forgotten how to be a wife. He said he'd rather be on his own with a dog. He said he can't be a parent while he feels the way he does. When I asked him to stop discussing traumatic and negative things in front of our 8-year-old, he said something along the lines of "you can have this conversation to my coffin." When I asked him to lower his voice, he told me to keep away from him.
Then, as he was leaving the house in a rage, our 5-year-old appeared and he called him a "naughty little cunt."
And then he leaves/returns and it's almost as though I'm supposed to be the one who has done something wrong. He becomes cold and withdrawn and I find myself waiting for the next outburst.
The other huge issue is what he calls "intimacy." By intimacy, he means sex.
He believes the lack of sex is the main problem in our relationship and says I've never really wanted sex throughout our relationship. That simply isn't true. There have been periods when I absolutely did want him and enjoyed our sex life.
But how am I supposed to feel sexually attracted when I feel completely exhausted and resentful?
I'm financially supporting the family. I'm managing the house. I'm raising three children. I'm dealing with his inconsistent employment, his drug use, his moods and the consequences of decisions we've made. He doesn't regularly cook for me. He rarely does significant housework. He'll complain that he's hungry but won't cook for himself, let alone for the family. He does feed the children when he's responsible for them, but it's generally snacks, plain pasta, etc., and then he'll criticise me for things like giving them cereal.
I feel like I'm carrying everything and then being criticised by someone who isn't carrying the same load.
Even physical affection has become difficult. A kiss or cuddle doesn't feel like it can just be affection because it often turns into sexual touching or him dry humping me. So I avoid some affection because I know it will come with an expectation of sex.
He seems to think that because we're married, my lack of desire is something I should simply overcome because he needs sex to feel better.
But I feel like my body is reacting to the relationship I'm actually living in.
I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm exhausted. And honestly, I feel like he's making me hate him.
I want him to hear my side without becoming angry or interrupting me. I've tried talking, but he'll walk away, say I'm "twittering on" or tell me he can't handle it. Yet I'm expected to sit and listen while he unloads all of his frustrations, and the children often hear it too.
I've even written everything down before so he could read it without interrupting me. He didn't respond at all.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next time he decides he's unhappy and wants to leave.
At the same time, I know he has ADHD, mental-health difficulties and a drug problem, and I don't want to completely dismiss the fact that he is struggling. I have supported him through so much.
But I'm starting to wonder where my responsibility ends.
Am I wrong to feel that the lack of intimacy is a consequence of everything that is happening rather than the cause?
Has anyone experienced this kind of cycle where one partner repeatedly says they want to leave, unloads all their anger, then comes back and acts as though nothing happened?
How do you deal with someone who wants you to hear everything they feel but becomes angry when you try to explain how their behaviour is affecting you?
And at what point do you stop trying to fix things and start accepting that the relationship itself is making you unhappy?
I'm not looking for people to simply tell me to leave. I genuinely want to hear from people who have been through something similar and what happened in the end, particularly where ADHD, addiction/substance use and resentment around sex were involved.

Do you think the OP hasn't already been trying?

Sorry, I skim read that but it was quite clear that this guy is not good for you or the children and you will never be happy. I hope you can leave (or get him to). He sounds awful.

"One might take the time to gather some information to rebuild a little confidence step into the unknown." I am hard pressed to think of something in the unknown is worse than what you are experiencing now. Your poor children.They need someone who has their best interests in mind. It certainly isn't their father and the more I read I fear it isn't you either. Your allegiance to him is misplaced.

1000% agree!

I haven't read most of your post OP, but I read enough that just sounded mental.

The drugs, and then this -

He told me that since we had children I've "just turned into a mam" and forgotten how to be a wife. He said he'd rather be on his own with a dog. He said he can't be a parent while he feels the way he does. When I asked him to stop discussing traumatic and negative things in front of our 8-year-old, he said something along the lines of "you can have this conversation to my coffin." When I asked him to lower his voice, he told me to keep away from him

What a HORRIBLE man to say that in front of his own child!! Your child will never, ever forget that he used to say things like this. It's the sort of thing people say to their therapist when they're older when they're trying to work out why they have such low-self esteem, or why they're so scared of being abandoned or rejected by people.

He's rather be on his own with a dog?? Let him.

I think your issue at the moment is that you're upset, desperate, defeated, but you're not really angry. Maybe you have bouts of it, but it's not enough. Anger usually takes quite a bit of energy, and you've been ground down over time, for so long, that I think that's part of the reason why you're not feeling more of it. That, and the fact that this totally dysfunctional situation has now become your new normal, your new low bar.

When you do find your anger, you will find it easier to switch off feelings of pity or obligation towards him and it will galvanise you into action. It'll also make the break up easier.

You simply can't control this behaviour OP, or you can't make him care enough to change or love you more. That is clear.

Long post, simple answer. Get rid. He isn't doing you any favours and things won't improve

100% leave and have a good life!

I was married to a deadweight man. We have a now adult child who talks about the issues they carry due to the events of their childhood, most instigated by her DF/ my ex.

He also said our marriage would magically improve with more sex. Despite my working full-time, doing all of the child rearing and all of the house / garden care, admin and DIY.

My life improved loads when I left. He continued on his downward spiral until he was virtually homeless, pissing himself and alone.

It isn't possible to fix a broken person. The only person who can do that is them. And the first place they begin is with wanting to get better. Sounds like your husband isn't there yet.

He called your son a naughty little cunt to his face?

I couldn’t even get through your whole post but you’re asking if you’re the problem and you’re married to a lazy, work shy, drug addict anti vaxxer that calls his kids cunts?

The thing is OP I get that you want to fix things. None of wants a broken relationship and there must have been enough love for you to get married. BUT all the problems you describe are his problems: the ADHD; the unemployment; the lack of involvement with the children; the abuse; the absolving himself of the entire mental load. He’s the only one that can resolve these and yet he’s trying to blame you, the kids, the pandemic anything but take responsibility for his own health and wellbeing.

You can’t cure him and you’ll destroy yourself trying.

Also your children will be having longlasting mental health problems from hearing him threatening to die when he doesn’t get his own way. They will think he means it and they will be terrified.
get rid.

I don't understand why you haven't left him already? He sounds awful. And from a practical point of view I don't understand what he's bringing to the table.

Get you and the kids out of there @LJJWER, I had one of these (almost carbon copy except the drugs) and I felt exactly how you, do. I know it feels hard to throw in the towel after 20 years (me too) but our life is so much better and happier without him in it...yours will be too.

Don't waste any time and energy trying to make it work, or wait for more empty promises from him as that's all they'll be. Get yourself a lawyer who understands abusive relationships and start making plans to leave. You can do this, we will help xxx

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who was the child in this scenario. Father worked part time, used a lot of cannabis, abused everyone in the house and blamed everyone else for his shitty behaviour. He used the sort of language your husband is using, at me and in front

of me. I have no memories of him ever being kind or decent. I hated him. I can't tell you how much I hated him. I used to wish he would die. My mother stayed. She didn't leave him until I was 17, and she only left because she met someone else. She made every excuse under the sun.

What I wanted to say, @LJJWERis that you need to be aware that it's not just his behaviour that will impact your children, it's yours too. Your choices here matter. I was estranged from my father as soon as my parents split up (true to form, he told me to my face that my mother was only leaving him because I had bullied her into it. I disagreed rather strongly and he never spoke to me again).

I also now have a very very difficult relationship with my mother. I hate her for staying. I hate her for knowing what I was being exposed to and doing nothing about it. I hate her for taking the abuse and then being all over him like a rash afterwards when he acted 'nice' again. I've got chronic health issues, most likely linked to childhood stress, as has my sibling. Problems with anxiety. I barely see her and we rarely speak. She parentified me as a way of coping with him and still tries to do it now. I deal with it by avoiding her.

I would also say that staying with him damaged my mother, and part of the problem in our relationship is due to that. I don't know who she was before he traumatised her. I don't know if she would have been a good mother. But the version of her that exists, the one he had a hand in creating, isn't a good mother.

It's a tragic, horrible mess for everyone.

I don't know if they've tried relationship therapy. It's different to trying to sort it out between you, especially with someone who is reluctant to see their own role in the problem. All attempts can end up going in circles.

Have you been in this situation before?

I'm so sorry OP, but there isn't anything that will magically make your marriage any better.

It can't improve when there's only 1 person even trying.

Your H is a walking, talking bloody contradiction ffs, and no matter what you do or how you twist yourself into a damn pretzel for him, he'll continue to blame you and his own kids for his self-destructive spiral.

He doesn't agree with vaccines, yet he's happy to use drugs that are mixed with who knows what.

He calls his own kids horrible names, but he doesn't parent them at all.

He blames you for all the decisions HE made to move to the UK, but does bugger all to improve your situation.

He uses the money YOU earn to buy drugs, because apparently UK wages aren't good enough for HIM (but low wages fine for you apparently), which makes his mental health as well as your finances worse.

He destroys your home when he's angry, and doesn't care if that frightens you or your kids and he never even bloody pretends to apologise.

He frequently tells you and his kids that he doesn't want you, or them, he just wants you all to fucking disappear so that he can live alone with a dog ffs!

He doesn't contribute to household chores, cooking, childcare (unless forced) and actively seeks to undermine everything that YOU do.

He says you've turned into a 'Mammy', but he's refused to even try to become a bloody Father!

He wants to be able to do all that, and he's HAPPY to continue to do so, and yet he still expects sex from you???? And complains that you're not up for it????

Who the hell could EVER find THAT attractive?

Who the hell would EVER want to have sex with such a miserable, misogynistic, selfish, nasty, vindictive, aggressive 'man'???

Nobody in their right mind would.

It's time that you stopped putting HIS needs/wants before your childrens and your own needs/wants, because you're actively allowing him to ruin all your lives by accommodating his every bloody desire!

You and your DC deserve so much more than the contempt and selfishness he showers you all with.

Do you really think that your kids will ever be able to get over the truly horrible things he says and does? Will you?

Please, please take the first step by telling your family the whole story. Allow them to care for you and the kids while you get divorced from him and begin anew without him.

If he wants to live on his own with a dog......poor dog.

Sounds like he's forgotten how to be a man. Stop letting him back. Let him walk out and then just change the locks. Let him get aggressive, call the police. And start the divorce proceedings. Once you've made that first step it's alot easier than you think .

Well this is a simple one. Get him out your house and serve him with divorce papers.

He sounds horrendous.

I’m glad you posted this. I was told this years ago when I contacted Relate (My child was 8 weeks old). They were happy to see me alone but wouldn’t see us together.
There were very poor domestic abuse laws back then so I was getting nowhere calling the police, social services etc as they could only get involved if actual visible injury had occurred or my kid was in physical danger.

Thank god the laws changed after Labour came to power in 1997 as my next call to the police they actually came out and said if I didn’t leave they’d have to involve social services etc.
I never looked back. I can’t pretend it was easy as a single parent on benefits but it was much better than life with an abusive adhd druggie ( Who was very plausible to the outside world. The young People he managed at his work thought he was the man etc) And like the other poster, I was ripe to be targeted for this kind of relationship due to my upbringing, and in fact it was my second such relationship, having started first aged 19 and the escaping with just the clothes on my back, I fell straight in to the next sorry excuse for a human being. I’m also very low contact with my whole family now as they are all toxic and co dependant. I have also been lucky to meet someone who clearly demonstrates daily that what I grew up with and tolerated in relationship isn’t normal and is intolerable.

it’s not your job to fix him.

I suspect if he makes any efforts at all it will be only until he realises you arnt getting back with him then he’ll turn nasty.

not gonna lie, it’s not an easy path but you owe it to your children to take positive action.

Dear heaven. Next time he leaves, tell him not to come back. He's a dead weight.

THIS. If nothing should inspire you to get him out of your life, the impact on your children should.

How can you expose them to this?

I'd feel sorry for the dog. They need looking after.

Neurodiverse and a veteran? Have you wondered if he has PTSD?
This question is in no way intended to excuse his behaviour, which is unacceptable. But it may open avenues of support. Would he engage with Veterans Support?