I no longer trust my DH - 16 years together and it's all blown - feel so depressed :(

[Trusthasgone]

Sorry - have posted this in money matters but it's almost more about my marriage. How do I get over this? :

I wasn't sure if this should go here or in relationships because, to be honest, I'm now coping with both being seriously b*ed sad
Obviously this is a name change, mainly because I am so very embarrassed over the whole situation.
In a nutshell, yesterday I discovered that DH has been lying to me about our finances for pretty much 10 years. We have managed to run up huge debts. He didn't want to tell me because he 'didn't want me to worry' hmm Yeah, because I don't feel like a complete idiot and naive fool now do I?
So, he has seen a financial advisor (I do realise amid all the anger and hurt I feel at the moment that he is trying to do the right thing)and they have suggested a debt management program. I know nothing about these, he has always dealt with the finances (or, obviously he hasn't)so I'm completely in the dark.
Has anyone ever been on a DMP? What does it entail? Exactly how mucked up will my credit history be? Are there any other options?
On the other side of things, how will I ever trust him again? I feel a complete fool and it was only because the kids would have missed him that I let him come home last night after all this blew up sad Does it signify the end of our marriage as I know it?

Sorry this ended up to be so rambling and long but I'm so embarrassed that I can't talk to anyone in RL.

bump
(and no offence meant to lou on my other thread who has answered some very helpful questions!)

What made him come clean in the end?
Is he a good father and husband in general?
Most people do believe that they will pay of their debts even as they rise. He thought he was in control.
It wouldn't be the end of my marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse and if you can forgive him and be grateful for the things you have got that are priceless- good health, wondeful children, friends, then you can get through this together.
Good luck

I take it your credit cards go? (I don't know why this bothers me as if we don't have the money, we don't have it credit card or none!)
I think it is cccs that Dh has seen. I think it looks like we'll be paying it off for 8 years .
Do you mind me asking if it was the debt that saw the end of you and H? Did that mean you had half and he had half of the debt?

And stop being embarassed- thousands of people are im this predicament.
Stick together and work it out.

MrsR - he only came clean because I found out . I happened to look at my online banking statement and almost fainted.
He is a fantastic man, I love him dearly, he is a brilliant father. I think I'm just struggling with the fact that the trust has gone. I'm not used to it at all.

Do you work Trust?

Well, maybe you can rebuild the trust?
It is easy to build up debts over 10 years.
I am sure he only did what he thought was right for you and the children, who I am guessing are the people he used the money on.

Not at the moment, I've just come off maternity leave but wasn't intending to return to work. This, of course, may now change.

Yes, he didn't spend anything on luxuries, just day to day living for the family. I think this makes it even sadder

Okay, if you were both contributing to the finances that makes it slightly different. Where does he think the money went? Or was it just on day to day stuff?

Just day to day spending, no extravagent holidays, fast cars.

x posts!!
I feel sorry for you and dh, too. He must have been under an awful amount of pressure for all this time.
We live in a very expensive country and many people are living on debt to get by. It is a terrible state of affairs.
But as you say, just day to day stuff, I would think he is relieved that it is out in the open.
Give him a big hug.

Why is 16 years together blown?

He has obviously been struggling to deal alone with the finances for a very long time.

And he seeking help from the appropriate agencies.

I think you need to support him, rather than being embarrassed.

Both of you need to tackle this head on, together.

Yes, I know I must, at the moment though I can't trust myself not to have a knife in one hand and accidentally stab him in the back as I put my arms around him!
I must calm down!

You've said it all. You love him dearly and he's a brilliant father. Thats it. You can get through this even if, atm, you feel unable to trust him. It could just be a sign of his love for you that he didn't want to tell you, didn't want to lose you, didn't want to be seen as unable to cope.....

He has taken steps to try to rectify the situation. Everyone makes mistakes, some big, some little. And a good husband and father is worth forgiving even if you are going to be angry for a while.

IMHO its a bit like kids pouring gloss paint all over the couch. You'd be BOILING MAD!!!! But you'd still love them.

Don't let this bring a good marriage down xxxxxx.

NDTH - most of the debts are in our joint names. If he bolts, I will find him! The debts have purely been run up by day to day living so no extravagances.
BN - I know, I know. I do feel so sorry for him, he is trying to sort it out and he is a good man. But I also feel that we needn't have been in such a bad situation if he had only trusted me and shared our situation earlier. I have been living as if we had money to spend. Nothing bad just the odd bottle of wine here and necklace (cheap!) there. I wouldn't have done this if I had known.

Bruce - yes, there is that feeling! I'm glad I told him to come home last night - he was set to stay at his Mum's. I know once I've got over the anger that we will work together. We;'ve been together for so long because we work well as a team. I think I am just in shock that he could keep something so big from me. It does make me wonder what else he could have lied about
Also, he's now told his Mum and sister so he has loads of support and I'm mortally embarrassed, more by my own naivety than the situation. I can't tell my Mum and Dad as they are not well and have no money so this would just push them over the edge.

I think its a good thing his family know. No need to be embarassed, they will know you knew nothing. Fair enough that you won't tell your own family. He is dealing with this in a sensible way. Keep posting, wishing you lots of love and luck with it xxx.

Hi sweetheart,
I've come across this thread by accident and name-changed delberately. I think I 'know' you very well in RL - we've been mates for donkeys' years, saw each other yesterday with dc in tow.
If I can help in any way, let me know. If you don't want to acknowledge this posting, that's fine - i will let it go and promise I will never mention it again.
Don't be embarrassed.
Lots of love x

Hi hon, yes it's me.
I blardy hate him at the moment, hence we couldn't come over today as I'm crap at putting on an 'everything is fine' face
Please don't mention it to anyone, I do feel embarrassed and naive and as if I've been totally taken for a ride, even though I know he was probably only doing it to protect me. Am just so very, very, very

OK babe. I'm so glad you have responded;obviously if you hadn't I would not have mentioned but as you have, I think you need support as well as him. FWIW you are totally within your rights to be hitting the roof! I certainly would be. But at least you know now, and csan start to think about what next.
I'm here when you want me. And you don't have to pretend with us. And IME, money stuff is rarely as bad as it first appears.

Oh, and utter confidentiality, of course.

Lots of love to you x