I no longer trust my DH - 16 years together and it's all blown - feel so depressed :(

[Trusthasgone]

Sorry - have posted this in money matters but it's almost more about my marriage. How do I get over this? :

I wasn't sure if this should go here or in relationships because, to be honest, I'm now coping with both being seriously b*ed sad
Obviously this is a name change, mainly because I am so very embarrassed over the whole situation.
In a nutshell, yesterday I discovered that DH has been lying to me about our finances for pretty much 10 years. We have managed to run up huge debts. He didn't want to tell me because he 'didn't want me to worry' hmm Yeah, because I don't feel like a complete idiot and naive fool now do I?
So, he has seen a financial advisor (I do realise amid all the anger and hurt I feel at the moment that he is trying to do the right thing)and they have suggested a debt management program. I know nothing about these, he has always dealt with the finances (or, obviously he hasn't)so I'm completely in the dark.
Has anyone ever been on a DMP? What does it entail? Exactly how mucked up will my credit history be? Are there any other options?
On the other side of things, how will I ever trust him again? I feel a complete fool and it was only because the kids would have missed him that I let him come home last night after all this blew up sad Does it signify the end of our marriage as I know it?

Sorry this ended up to be so rambling and long but I'm so embarrassed that I can't talk to anyone in RL.

ilovemydog - I could have budgeted for a start. I haven't been throwing money here, there and everywhere by any means, but I would have known not to buy that second bottle of wine or top for Dd etc. I could also have helped him shoulder the burden.
Quattro - yes, I thanks my lucky stars that Dh is such a good bloke. He's been daft and he knows it, but he currently looks happier than I've seen him in ages - and now I know why!

Well, I can understand why you'd be furious and upset and let down.
Yes, maybe you should have taken a more active role in the household finances, but if he was adament that he woudl be in charge of them (so to speak) then he should have been in charge. And that means being honest with you about what was happening and not sticking his head in the sand about the rising debt.

But he did use the money for day to day living like you said and he has tried to sort it out now, which shows some responsibilty, and even though he lied to you it wasn't (IMO) a cheating, sly type of lying ifkwim. He tried to protect you and at the same time support his family.
And maybe he felt like he was failing you by not being able to suuport you all.

So he may have made mistakes but he sounds like a decent man and together you can get through this and build a very happy future together.
My dh would tell me every little thing to pass the burden on to me, and it all would end up my fault! So I know which sort of man I'd prefer.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Thank you IGAH - yes, he is a good man and I feel sick that he has been carrying so much worry on his own. I never really thought he was being sly or underhanded, he simply doesn't have it in him.
we have established the main things, the house is safe, with help we can meet the bills and debt payments. we can eat. the girls are well and we both have our health. I have told him I am happy with this and he should now stop worrying. We can build on this and make the situation better.

Fantastic news trust, I wish you and your family all the best

On another note, I run a spreadsheet which details ALL incoming and outgoings and if we have some available cash, I will save it and then give it to DP to invest thereby we are both responsible for our finances.

I can understand why you feel dreadful, but he must have a really kind heart; not to want to upset you on maternity leave

My DP is really extravagant. I recently sold my flat, paid off a huge chunk off his (ok, our) mortgage, got a ton of building work done which I've paid for out my my pocket.

On the other hand, he spends money on going out and spending tons

But yours was struggling with the day to day stuff - how did living become so expensive?

Great that you are communicating - god, I love happing endings

Really pleased to see your update Trusty.
Give us a bell soon and we'll sort that night out.