I no longer trust my DH - 16 years together and it's all blown - feel so depressed :(

[Trusthasgone]

Sorry - have posted this in money matters but it's almost more about my marriage. How do I get over this? :

I wasn't sure if this should go here or in relationships because, to be honest, I'm now coping with both being seriously b*ed sad
Obviously this is a name change, mainly because I am so very embarrassed over the whole situation.
In a nutshell, yesterday I discovered that DH has been lying to me about our finances for pretty much 10 years. We have managed to run up huge debts. He didn't want to tell me because he 'didn't want me to worry' hmm Yeah, because I don't feel like a complete idiot and naive fool now do I?
So, he has seen a financial advisor (I do realise amid all the anger and hurt I feel at the moment that he is trying to do the right thing)and they have suggested a debt management program. I know nothing about these, he has always dealt with the finances (or, obviously he hasn't)so I'm completely in the dark.
Has anyone ever been on a DMP? What does it entail? Exactly how mucked up will my credit history be? Are there any other options?
On the other side of things, how will I ever trust him again? I feel a complete fool and it was only because the kids would have missed him that I let him come home last night after all this blew up sad Does it signify the end of our marriage as I know it?

Sorry this ended up to be so rambling and long but I'm so embarrassed that I can't talk to anyone in RL.

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic (which I am not because I am sorry for your predicament) I think it is unfair of you to blame your DH for this.

Clearly you eschewed taking any financial responsibility, and decided to bury your head in the sand over money matters. That's not adult behaviour, and I think you need to take responsibility and acknowledge your role in this rather than blaming your DH and putting your marriage at risk over money.

Gee thanks Quatt, you obviously haven't read the post correctly or wish to ignore it and just rant, in which case fine.
BUT - he has been lying to me. I have not buried my head in the sand, he has told me all along that all was fine and has carried on spending as we always have.
Yes, I gave responsibility for the finances over to him, mainly because I trusted him, which, I think in a marriage, you are supposed to are you not?

i wondered how come you nearly fainted when you saw your online statement. Is that for a joint account, and don't you look at it? Or was there something new on it, suddenly.

No piratecat, it was my credit card account and no, I don't tend to look at it as I don't really use it. Don't even get me started on how he managed to use my credit card account, I have no idea.

Speaking as the only earner in our house, it can be very hard to share financial worries - as you know the other person can't do anything to help and you are only going to make them worried.

Debt is even harder to cope with if you are not the one bringing in an income. Your dh was - perhaps foolishly - trying to 'protect' you from something he either felt it was his responsibility to sort out, or that you could not help with.

The fact that you were on maternity leave gives him even more of a reason, in his own mind, for you not to have to worry about the finances.

Dh and I do share everything about our finances (I'm the one who pays the direct debits, credit cards etc.) But I still feel that I am the one who has to be reassuring that everything's OK, because I'm earning.

Of course you are right to be angry. But your dh did it from the best of motives, and you can now agree it is better to discuss things - no matter how bad. And to deal with things together.

I believe I did read the post correctly and I understand that your DH lied to you. But what I don't understand is why you were so blind to the state of your family's finances that you accepted the lies unquestioningly.

And I am actually not being unsupportive or ranting. You are pointing the finger of blame at your DH who was clearly very wrong to lie. But it sounds to me as though you were almost colluding in not wanting to know or establish what was going on. You are an adult too.

Dittany, we already have a plan in motion, he's been banned from ever keeping anything like this to himself ever again.
I have been completely blind to our finances because everything has come out of his account (I used to pay a lump sum into his when earning). I dealt with my account and credit card and he did the rest (upon his request I hasten to add). Up until very recently there has been absolutely no reason to doubt that bills were being paid (and, as I understand it, they are being paid, it's just that after they are all paid there is no money for everything else. This is what has been going on the credit card).
Communication wise, I feel like I have had my seething time now and we are going to have a long chat tonight. I have also let it be known that I love him lots but that I'm just very angry at the moment. Hopefully he won't keep anything else back tonight.
Quatt - I accepted the lies because there was no reason not to. Bills were paid and there was money for shopping etc (although now I know this was coming off of the credit card and just building and building) The accounts I had access to , my current and my credit card, were always fine. How was I to know there were problems if there was no sign of any and he said we were fine?

BTW, I have now insisted on a joint account.

I'm just wondering how you feel about your friend in RL popping up on here!!

THough how she knew it was you from the information you supplied is a mystery to me.
I know I would be mortified!!!

Anyway, totally off the subject, sorry!

Any other friend and I may have been mortified. This one though I would probably have told sooner or later! I daresay she knew due to the hugely miserable face I had when we met the day before and the fact we'd just said we couldn't come over for a BBQ that evening but not given a reason -very unlike us! Plus she's known me for 16 ish years. It's actually good to have someone to talk to that knows everyone involved. (Not that I have spoken to her yet, as my previous post said, I'm just coming out of the quietly seething and frosty silence stage) .

'Ello, lovely. You talking about me when my back is turned ?
Glad you are starting to come out of the initial fog. let me know when you want to get together over a bottle of wine and have a good vent x

I'm glad you are now having a joint account. It seems so strange to me that you did not know what the family income was (after tax etc)? Nor presumably what the family expenditure was? I think it would be good if you took some responsibility for these things too.

Do you work? How will you pay the debts off? If you don't work would you consider working a bit?

Thanks chick
Yes, the red mist is lifting (I always knew he didn't do it maliciously, well you know DH, he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body). Twas the shock of it all I think. Anyway, big talks to be had tonight. Wish me luck.
Oh and a bottle of wine and a vent sounds really really good!

Have just always trusted him to manage that side of things. Silly maybe but that's what it was, trust. I also trusted that he would trust me if things ever got difficult - which he didn't. I'm not working at the moment but have let it be known I don't mind working, although there would then be a knock on issue with childcare. If I can, I will.

Fingers crossed for you both. Be in touch

While I too empathise, I must agree with quattrocento. It is vital as an adult in an adult partnership that you take full part and responsibility for finances and financial decisions. Otherwise you run the risk of being treated as a child like your husband has treated you ie 'didn't want to worry you'. You should take full responsibility all the time not just involved when things go wrong.

Ok, he lied, but yes you did collude by not making it your business to know all about it from the beginning - so dont be too hard on him. From now on you must both pull your weight with decision making, I am sure it will be a reief for him.

It's probably more common than we realise, even in this day and age.

Izy, I know. He has always insisted with the finances though. We married young and I suppose I didn't really think there was anything wrong with that. Had we married later on and he had tried that one I don't for one minute think I would have said 'Oh yeah, ok'. I think it was because it had always been this way that I didn't question it iyswim.
We've already had a 'preliminary' conversation and the poor bloke is, as you say, relieved for it to finally be out in the open.
I still feel gutted that he couldn't share any of it with me, not least because I'm not a child and I am quite sensible and I could have helped. He says he's an old fashioned chap who just wanted to take care of me. This is admirable but daft.
anywhich ways, at least now I can help him and he hasn't got to shoulder it on his own. Just wish it could have been that way from the start.

so I suppose I've just answered my own thread there! No, it doesn't signify the end of our marriage. Trust, I suppose, will be re-built.

Better name me feels
And, so my conscience is clear, apologies to Quattrocento if I was short and moody, it came from being extremely moody indeed!

but what would you have done any differently had you known about the true state of your finances?

Tell you what, you'll have a more equal relationship as a result of this, and he'll know you really are an equal partner.

Well I know how I do it. Nobody has my credit card or pin but me. I check the joint account regularly, we have separate accounts for ourselves, we set up dds for the bills and so I know they are paid. I even check with DH how much he is into his overdraft. I am currently a SAHM but I insist on details so I know what we can and cant afford.

No need for the apology. I am a tough old bird.

I knew my post would be controversial. Many women seem to do this "fluffy-headed" routine, and many suffer as a result. You're lucky that your DH was just a bit over-optimistic then got himself into a (relatively small) mess. There are stories on here of husbands who've done much worse, including one who has absconded with the family's money. No-one should abdicate their responsibilities as adults.