I'm having an affair with my husbands' best friend

[Lulubear26]

l, 47F and my OH 54M have been together for 30 years we have 2 DD aged 15 and 18.
4 months ago his friends came over for a night out for his birthday. We all got really drunk and everyone else went to bed except me and his friend G, hes also 53M married with 2 kids. We ended up kissing etc and it pretty steamy, we didnt have sex but pretty much did everything else. Me and G and have flirted for years, even used to have cheeky snog when we were really young.
The next day I messaged G and we decided to try and have an affair. 2 days after that my husband announces to me that he'd seen us together, not stopped it and went back to bed, twice! His reaction really unnerved me, we went to some couples counselling but I think I'd already decided that the marriage was over not just cos of the friend but lots of other reasons around being bored and stale and wanting some independence. I didnt keep seeing the friend out of respect for the break up, even though I really wanted to. Fast forward 3 months, and I have rented my own house, moved out and we are co-parenting the kids with view to sell up next year. The whole process has been amicable so far, however ex Husband did say he does not want me to see G again.
2 days after I moved in my house I contacted G, we immediately stepped back into sexting and we met at a hotel. Since then its been more messaging but things are getting very close, he said his marrige is pretty much over, im worried im getting too close to him, I dont know whether to just back away before I get more involved, we have arranged another hotel next week and I so excited to see him. We live 4 hours away from each other.
What would you do next?

You're single now so what's the issue.

He is doing a shitty thing, I assume he has not told his wife.

Just hope it's worth breaking two families up for.

You're colluding in the abuse of his wife. It’s all just seedy and so nasty.

"he said his marriage is pretty much over..." it isn't though, is it?
Don't be the other woman, have some self respect.

There is not much point giving advice to someone in this situation but here are a few observations:

For a relationship between you and him to function he will need to come clean with his wife first

4 hours sounds like an impractical distance in the long term (or even medium term)

You have not described any grief at your own family breakdown. Ignoring the new relationship, how do you feel about the loss?

I’d have some respect for myself, for my ex and for the wife of your bf and his children.

Your ex’s best friend is still married. You are getting too close to him.

I’ve got a couple of friends who have had affairs which have turned into long and successful relationships so it’s possible but very messy.

Your ex doesn’t really seem to have cared that much (makes me wonder if he had had affairs of his own or perhaps he has a cuckold fetish) but this man’s wife may well feel very differently.

Also, your ex has now asked you to keep away from his best friend presumably because he doesn’t want to lose him as well as you (though he’s shown your ex that he can’t be trusted). If you left for reasons other than this guy, perhaps you could do this out of respect for your ex, especially since this guy is still married anyway.

So many threads about affairs recently. I wonder if there's a writing group who target Mumsnet and this months subject, to see who can get the most engagement, is 'affairs'.

You're in a vulnerable position and he's using that to his advantage. Why be with someone who is cheating on his wife. You're still grieving your old one. It's a horrible step and shows no respect for ex. It'll all end in tears.

Firstly your poor DH.

Secondly, his best friend's marriage isn't over. He saying that as he wants to shag you. Don't be the other woman

Thirdly, four hours anyway - it's never going to work long term

Fifthly ,- grow up.

Situations like this on the surface just seem like harmless fun, its all a bit exciting and the sex when it happens is usually great.
Problem being with any relationship is eventually the sex kinda feels not the same, gets more normal.
I personally would think about the impact on your wider family and the effect it has on the children.
Ive been in that position also

Is that you Louise?

Sort out your life. You’re too old for this shite.

She's already the other woman
I agree with everything else you wrote though.

What's with all the affair posts right now?

There's no such thing as "pretty much over", you obviously know that but you're trying to make yourself feel like your lying and cheating is something other than what it is.

This is the third baity thread since last night, it seems like the posters want people to ask more details about their affair encounters, in a really weird way. I would suggest everyone stops engaging.

What was the point of stepping away to respect the breakup ? The marriage needed respect not the breakup.

It’s up to you what you do, it all sounds horrible and seedy. Poor children having all this upset and upheaval because you wanted to ‘snog’ your husband’s best friend.

Yet another fake thread?

It’s the school holidays.

I was thinking the same. Three in the last 12 hours. Creative writing for the digital era 🙄

4/10

So gross

Please get some self respect

You’re asking for permission to do one of the worst things you could to another woman. You won’t be getting that from me 🤮

I think you need to separate two things here. Your marriage sounds like it had been unhappy and stale for quite a while, and if leaving was the right decision for you, that’s something you can own without G being the reason for it.
But I’d be very careful about building your future around G when he’s still married. “My marriage is pretty much over” isn’t the same as actually ending it. Until he’s separated and dealing with the consequences of that himself, you’re potentially investing emotionally in something that may not become the relationship you’re imagining.
I can completely understand why you’re excited. I’ve been married for 37 years myself, and yes, after that length of time intimacy can become predictable. You know each other, you know the routines, and the excitement naturally changes over the years. That’s not necessarily a bad thing — it’s just what can happen when you’ve shared a life with someone for decades.
So I can understand why what you’re experiencing with G feels so thrilling right now. You’ve got years of chemistry between you, the secrecy, the distance, the hotel meetings and that feeling of doing something a bit forbidden. After 30 years in a marriage that had become predictable, that can feel incredibly intense.
But I’d remember that the excitement you’re feeling now probably won’t stay at this level forever. Even if you and G eventually became a proper couple, the secrecy and novelty would eventually disappear and you’d have the ordinary relationship too — routines, disagreements, everyday life and all the less exciting parts that come with being together.
That doesn’t mean what you have with him isn’t genuine. It just means I’d ask yourself one question,* *if G were completely single tomorrow, with no secrecy, hotels or sneaking around involved, would you still want him?
If the answer is yes, then perhaps there really is something genuine worth exploring. But I’d still slow it down and let him sort his marriage out independently before becoming more involved. Don’t make yourself his reason to leave, and don’t wait around indefinitely for promises.
I’d also enjoy being single for a while, get settled in your new home and let G prove what he actually intends to do rather than relying on what he says he’s going to do. If he’s genuinely serious, he’ll still be there when everything is above board.
And there’s another thing I’d consider. You’ve just walked away from a 30-year marriage and suddenly have your own home, your own independence and this exciting new relationship possibility. That’s a lot of change at once. You don’t necessarily need to rush straight from one long-term relationship into another.
After 30 years together you may be discovering that the grass isn’t necessarily greener. it’s just very exciting when you’re standing on the other side of the fence.
Give yourself enough time to work out whether it’s actually greener, or whether you’re simply enjoying being somewhere different for the first time in 30 years.