When do you call time on longstanding friendship?

[19Notts32]

This is actually about friendship

Been friends for about 20 year. Super close at 1st always kept up friendship even when life took us to different places. She was bubbly vibrant and fun and so caring. Fast forward to now has had 2 children. Dont hear from her for weeks apart from off tiktok link. Always me that suggests meeting. Cant do evenings as has to be in bed early cos she has kids (got told to get on with it when mine were small) but manages nights with mums and workmates. Manages trips and breaks with mum friends and other friends but cant do anything when I suggest. Just reading what im writing Id already be saying shes not interested anymore however when we meet its fine and nice and she is warm and friendly. Its usually only for lunch and stuff. Its really gets to me whyshe can arrange stuff with others and not me her supposed best mate of so long. Feels like ive been replaced 1st by baby friends and now school mum friends. I know I should give up trying but consider her family. Do I just let it go or see it as phase? She so different, and I feel like shes not bothered anymore. Always very self consumed when I do see her and has been quite hurtful the way she has said and done things. I think she had post natal depression but would never open up to me. I also have other friends and keep busy Im not sitting waiting for her it just pains me because I miss the friend I had. Just evenings in chatting or walk by the sea. Do i just leave it now?

Friendships and priorities change over the years. I think you sound very needy and analysing every little thing. It sounds like her circle has expanded and she’s probably got less time juggling work, new mum friends and old friends.

Just chill and think what will be will be. Rise your foot off the pedal, let her initiate if she wants to and in the mean time just focus on your own life and any other friends you have. Or maybe look to meet some new people yourself

She’s caught up in that excited baby and toddler bubble, and exhausted from everything. It is a shame she was never as open minded when your children were small, has forgotten you (and no doubt how she may have felt at the time with your or others). If you would like to salvage something I would be clear with her, remind her how she was with you about going out “getting on with it” etc. However pointedly ask her how could it work for her now she realises what being a parent entails. See how she responds, then it is your choice to continue or not.

Looks to me like she has already “called time” on the friendship but you haven’t clocked it

Think maybe because she showed me zero empathy if I ever struggled she perhaps found it hard to be open with me

so she has never been a good friend?

An amazing friend. But has changed so much in last 5 years. Even my eldest commented to me she is so different these days. Maybe youre right and if the case I will stop making a fool of myself trying to keep it going. Ive not got much family and she was mine. Its hard.

I am sensitive but I felt like she was my family. She ever referred to us as that. Its almost like since she met her husband and had kids Ive been cast aside. Im also busy AF but still make time dont believe in havinf eggs all in one basket. I dont feel like im being needy throwing iut a suggestion to do something a couple of times a year or dropping a message but I dont want to be seen as desperate so I think the sensible things is to back off. She is juggling a lot of different circles and things I know. It will either come back round or it wont I guess. Thanks for responsing x

With friendships this long I have a policy of always talking to them about how I’m feeling. I feel like if you can’t address problems directly in a 20-year friendship that’s just silly.

I’d send her a non-accusatory message saying I miss her. That I understand we’re in different places, but she’s like family to me and I was hoping we could see each other more.

That said, on a long enough timeline all friendships will go through ebbs and flows. In my 20+ year friendships there’s been periods in every single one where we’ve sort of drifted from each other a bit due to life priorities and distractions. I’m very glad I never let any of them go, however, as they remain some of my closest sources of support.

I can see reading your later posts that half the hurt is that you have managed to maintain the friendship through your babies. I get it, I do. BUt playing devils advocate, people handle being parents in different ways. Some have energy to go out / someone to look after the kids and others do not. I also think it's quite healthy that she's gone out and made friends. You say you already had kids when ah has her eldest, she probably thought you had all your mum pals. I think the thing is that friendships (good ones) can expand and contract and still be there where you left off. Also you don't know what she's getting up to with the other friends. She may have popped out for a couple of hours, not some wild night out. Step back and let it ebb for just now. Alas she probably is different than how she was when you met her . People do grow and change. Your friendship either accommodates that or it doesn't.

She has essentially been ghosting you for years OP. You just haven’t picked up on it.

Stop making any effort and it will just fizzle out. No need for high drama.

Manages trips and breaks with mum friends and other friends but cant do anything when I suggest.

but you have keep on suggesting anyway. For your own self respect if nothing else…. Just stop.

Some people get wrapped up in their everyday life. If you are obsesssed with family life it's easier to socialise with mum friends and chat about kids, school etc. Going away with you might mean she needs to be more of her old self again, and that might be hard if she is in full-on mum phase.

I'd stop making the effort for now and concentrate on other friends. She may come back around, or you may drift out of eachother's lives. You deserve friends who are actively interested in your company right now.

I have 2 long standing friendships after many years of sharing our lives suddenly in our late thirties we seemed to drift. I didn’t notice initially as I had a baby and pnd. But when I realised I tried to get us back on track and would arrange meet ups/catch ups. Friend A was rarely free due to being busy with work / kids/ other friends and would often cancel . Friend B had anxiety and would cancel last minute but again managed to see other friends. It really hurt me that after us all being one of the most important people in each other’s lives I had become so insignificant. Eventually I took a step back, I stopped arranging things or making an effort and focused on family and other friends. At some point friend A life settled a bit and she started trying to make more effort to get us back together, I would meet up if I was free but I didn’t prioritise it. We have settled in to a relationship where we meet every few months and talk/ message occasionally and I’m happy with that because I don’t expect/ want / need more.

I would readjust the friendship in your head and match her energy. If you can be happy with that great if it makes you miserable then walk away.

Exactly this.

Thank you this is great advice and much appreciated. I have seen flashes of effort then it goes back to square one. I will just take a step back and see what happens. Im sorry you have had this its painful x

I have tried to send a kind heartfelt message before it kinda got brushed off that it was just hard to find time were both free. She had to have a set routine every week. On a particular day it was so set nothing could infiltrate. I accepted it then got a message having a go that I didnt invite her to something she liked on this set day. I responded with "I know this is the day that is set in stone for you" and got the response "Id have made an exception for this". But it wasnt an exception for seeing me if was about something she wanted to do. And this is the story all the time everything seems to have to fit around her schedule and suit her. She seems such a more hard and almost selfish person these days. And has lost an empathy for others. I just keep hoping its a phase its not the lovely warm person ive know the majority of the time.

I matched energy in a similar friendship it is going strong since but at a very different pace. Could you do something like that?

Yes i think I feel maybe a little bit angry I felt pressured to carry on as normal not to be a let down and no understanding from her when I had babies yet when the shoe is on the other foot the world revolves aroubd them and everything has changed without compromise. If I suggest a night I always get told no I need to be in bed same time as the kids. But then she tells me shes been out with mum friends. She also tells me she doesnt want to go but will make effort to go where as Im a flat no. I do know a fee times shes gone home early saying she feels ill or something else. I did include her with my friends but there it also not recipicated. I wonder if its harder to put up an act with me as I know she hasnt coped well with parenting. I wanted to help with this but shut up maybe because of how she was with me when I found it harder.

Its def about the kids and nothing else atm. Because she wont allow any sort of adult time I guess kids are all you have to talk about. My kids are my world but I also like to talk about other things esp with fellow adult. Ideas and more convos are def easier with rhose you see regularly dont they? And actually seeing people in person def generates more ideas. I am going to take your advice and just concentrate on others that do seem to want to see me. Thank you x

I think that then she suggests getting together and meeting and it seems fine and kinda makes me think im.wrong

Id agree with this if it wasnt for the fact she still turns up on birthdays and makes convo even if its not very often. When I last saw her we had good time and it felt good. This is why its so confusing. I know she has a lot of circles and perhaps im not the only one that sees her less.

Yes I am def going to.