When do you call time on longstanding friendship?

[19Notts32]

This is actually about friendship

Been friends for about 20 year. Super close at 1st always kept up friendship even when life took us to different places. She was bubbly vibrant and fun and so caring. Fast forward to now has had 2 children. Dont hear from her for weeks apart from off tiktok link. Always me that suggests meeting. Cant do evenings as has to be in bed early cos she has kids (got told to get on with it when mine were small) but manages nights with mums and workmates. Manages trips and breaks with mum friends and other friends but cant do anything when I suggest. Just reading what im writing Id already be saying shes not interested anymore however when we meet its fine and nice and she is warm and friendly. Its usually only for lunch and stuff. Its really gets to me whyshe can arrange stuff with others and not me her supposed best mate of so long. Feels like ive been replaced 1st by baby friends and now school mum friends. I know I should give up trying but consider her family. Do I just let it go or see it as phase? She so different, and I feel like shes not bothered anymore. Always very self consumed when I do see her and has been quite hurtful the way she has said and done things. I think she had post natal depression but would never open up to me. I also have other friends and keep busy Im not sitting waiting for her it just pains me because I miss the friend I had. Just evenings in chatting or walk by the sea. Do i just leave it now?

You say she can be hurtful and self absorbed, makes time for some people but not you.
So I suppose you either accept the bit of friendship you still have with her, or step back yourself. For me the hurtful bit doesn’t sound nice. Good you have and see other friends.

I have been through something similar and knew I had a choice to either confront, accept or walk away. I have chosen to accept as I knew confrontation wouldnt end well and I didn’t want to walk away after years of friendship.

So I just accept this is how it is and try to value the time we spend together on its own merit. It is hard though, I do miss the old friendship but it just didnt feel right to give it up completely.

It doesn’t need to be as binary as staying put versus letting the friendship go. Why not just take it that you both need different things right now, and focus on your interests, other friends and family? You don’t need to respond to any TikTok stuff she shares, unless it interests you. I have friends who do this, and I either respond, like or ignore, depending on how I’m feeling. Trying to change the dynamic back to what it was is pointless for now, as is ruminating about her choices and actions. Put the focus back on you and take it from there. Your friend is already doing this for herself.
Maybe your friendship will change again in time, and maybe not. Either way, put your energy into things and people that bring you happiness, not irritation.

Do you have a partner? Children?
what’s your wider friendship group like?

She doesn’t sound like she has post natal depression to me. She just prefers spending time with other friends. Manages trips and breaks with mum friends and other friends but cant do anything when I suggest. .

Sorry op but I think she is making it clear that she would rather not bother with this going forward

I've had a vaguely similar situation recently where I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting in the friendship and it was getting me down. I decided to step back and be in touch a bit less frequently. She has stepped up and started initiating more, which is a pleasant surprise

How would it feel to take a step back and see what happens? Of course you have to be prepared that you may not hear from her

Lots of sympathy, friendship can be v complicated

Sometimes in life I wonder whether you can think of someone as being your best friend, but they don't always think of you as being their best friend.

I'd just gradually step back a bit, and see what happens. Either the friendship will continue, or it won't. Only time will tell.

What @Barbarella73 said. Put your focus elsewhere for now. You don’t need to make any kind of hard and fast decision now.

Talk to her and tell how you feel. In likelihood she won’t have realised and will make more of an effort. If not then either accept it’s a more low key friendship or move on. I’m not keen on the idea of ‘testing’ her by making less contact. We all go through stages where we are distracted by life and need reminding not to be a dick.

Some friendships change nature over the years. Her life and world has grown beyond your friendship. I think I’d personally just accept this and see her when is convenient for both of us and not stress about it.
If you really don’t feel you can carry on with the friendship now you’ve been ‘relegated’ I wouldn’t make a big fuss, I’d keep my dignity and step back or say something like ‘you always seem to be very busy so I’m always here just let me know when you’re free to meet’ and get on with my life.

People change. She won’t be the same person you knew 20 years ago and neither are you. It’s just what happens.
I think you should accept the friendship for what it is just now. No need to fall out, end the friendship or continue trying to put all the effort in. You will have a lot of history and memories with her and that’s okay. You don’t need to force more.

It is what it is and people move on. Maybe you will be close again one day, maybe you’ll just look back on her fondly as someone you grew up with.
I’d step back and stop trying to force a friendship. That doesn’t mean be nasty or block her - just step back and accept that your lives are very different now. At the moment, it doesn’t sound like you would look back on recent memories so fondly anyway.

Just know it's not uncommon. I've been through many disappointments with friendships myself. It's why I chose not to label a person my best friend, but do call some close friends.

I'd stop putting in a lot of one-sided effort, but other than that, in your shoes, wouldn't "break up." It's possible with ebbs and flow she might at some point start flowing more your way. If not, you'll have more free time to devote to people who put in equal effort. I do know how it hurts, though, as you feel a certain clique with a person who's a favorite to you, and don't quite feel the same for other friends.

I had a friend like this once, moved away but always wanted me to meet them when they were in the area to do fitness classes. Didn’t meet me beforehand for a catch up, no invites to birthdays etc…although I would have happily travelled and stayed in a hotel for the night. I deemed she had moved on and couldn’t be bothered with me. So only contact now is Facebook friends, shame as I would have happily made the effort to stay in contact etc,. X

It's so hard. Maybe you think if you do one thing more, another card, another phone call, a more interesting invitation, it will all go back to the way it was.
I am sorry but it won't.

A few years ago I had a big medical scare and couldn't do the chasing for about six-months. Friends were told that I would be out of action for a while. Many slipped away, people who I had helped with rocky relationships, debt, abuse, childcare issues, moving house etc.

I may be a little more lonely now, do more things by myself, but I am stronger. The 'grief' was hard, but I won't be taken in again. If she steps up great, if she doesn't then let it go.

I have a friendship like this OP so I understand how you feel. She's got a wonderful family (husband and 3 kids), and I'm single without kids so we just have very different priorities. We were very close, lived together during uni etc, but as others have said people and priorities change. We haven't seen each other for about a year, all we do now is text every few weeks. We've not discussed it but both accepted it I think. She has her mum friends, I have other friends. Her life revolves around her children which I understand. She'd never miss a bedtime etc not even for one evening, and weekends are all about her kids, which made it very difficult for us to do anything. I note your comment that your friend will do stuff with her mum friends and also see this with my friend, so I feel for you OP. As others have said you can either accept the dynamic you have now, distance yourself further until all contact naturally stops, or have a conversation with her. I personally decided against the conversation with my friend because I saw it as pointless, it's not like she was going to all of a sudden start prioritising our friendship. That's not to say you couldn't have a conversation but I'd have a hard think about what you'd be trying to achieve from it.

How old are your kids and how old are hers? Meeting up with mum friends often includes the kids and that in itself will be the pull. They play together so she gets a break. If your kids are of different ages she meets you but still has eyes on them, so not as much of a break. It’s easier parenting when your kid has another kid.

Hi thank you for replying. I think Ill maybe step back. Theres been a few times where her behaviour has left me anxious, upset and confused. I guess Im just wanting the old fun friend back that was caring and holding on to those memories more than I should. x

It sounds exactly the same and Im sorry you are here writing the this too. Ive seen the change in her she seemed to just turn to NCT friends when struggling pushed me out. Think maybe because she showed me zero empathy if I ever struggled she perhaps found it hard to be open with me. I always feel like I want to say something but I risk losing friendship totally. I think I will also just hold on to what it is atm and see if it comes back around. I dont want to drop it totally because I hope that it changes. Thank you for replying it means a lot x

Hi. There is def a good point. 1 much younger but 1 same age as my son. I have older ones too. I did think us having the same time would mean we did stuff together but even that hasnt made a difference. When they were small her week was such a set pattern of work, seeing family, day to self and baby group friends it very little gaps for me. She wont mix friends either. We do get the odd bit of adult tine together usually when I iniate it but never in evenings always says too tired which makes it harder to find a time still.

Agree. What bothers me is when I was 1st out the traps having kids I didnt let it change my friendship with her. I dont recognise the person before kids these days. Ive tried again this week to iniate plans after we met the other week and it went well and met with silence on text. I perhaps need to not look so bothered and keep dignity. Thank you for this x

Thank you this is a wonderfully balanced view. She has changed in so many ways. Even towards her own family. I really hoped we could build more memories this tine as mums with kids. But shes made that clear its not to be. I feel quite angry and sad how shes made me feel over last few years. I dont think im perfect. I dont think ive been as close to her but get pushed out. Her husband has a couple of friends hes interested in and thats it its certainly not me and my family and that def doesnt help. I def dont want to fall out I dont think i could bear that Id rather just drift totally or just keep it pleasant and see if it comes back round but not sure what it will take. Thank you for great words x

Step back and see what naturally happens.

I think youre right x

This.

Friendships often change or even get put aside at different points of life.
You don't need to "call time on" the friendship, but can stop trying to arrange things with her now.
Quite possibly it will be easier to pick things up in years to come when things aren't so full on But even if that doesn't happen, then the friendship has just petered out.
I have several friendships that revived once we were all out of the 'small children' stage. One you can leave them on their own, life gets a lot easier. Indeed, they (your dc) get to an age when they can drop you off and pick you up from the pub / a meal. That is a stage of life when you are able to rekindle lots of friendships.

I went through a similar situation with a friend in the last few years, we’d been close friends with 2 other women for around 25 years, 4 years ago she got a new job and now seems to spend most of her social life with her colleagues, she has pretty much ditched the 3 of us. For the last few years it was difficult to get her even to commit to coming out for a coffee but up to last year she was still at least replying to messages. This year she just completely stopped responding, we could see on our group chat she had read messages but we’d hear nothing from her even when we messaged her directly and the 3 of us have tried that individually, one of my other friends saw her in a shop at the start of the year and said she was all apologetic and that she was just so busy. We’ve always given cards, gifts and gone out for meals around our birthdays and gone for a meal at Christmas but last November at her birthday she said she had toothache and didn’t want to go out not even for a drink so we ended up just leaving her gifts at her house, then saw on Facebook she was out with her colleagues, she didn’t respond to the Christmas meal messages and she’s totally ignored a bereavement my friend had and our birthdays and a few other events in our lives.

We’ve recently made a new group chat without her, I’m really sad but we’ve all had enough of essentially what feels like rejection, we did a lot for each other over the years, she lived with me for a year after she split from her first husband, our other friend who’s a nurse helped her though her Dad’s palliative care, she stayed with me in a&e all night after I broke my ankle, we helped each other out with childcare, we’ve helped each other move house amongst many other things, we were just in each others lives daily and could rely on each other.

Think if I was to do anything differently I honestly would’ve stopped trying sooner, feel we spent a few years in limbo trying to arrange things around her and never getting anywhere, it was just a waste of time and energy with a lot of upset for someone that didn’t want to spend time with us.