Want to try dating but terrified it will go wrong and that I’m too ugly to be liked

[QuickPearlFox]

Want to try dating again but terrified
dating brings out all my insecurities and I worry I am too ugly . I’m 39 single and having met anyone for nearly 10 years
i wear glasses and have a squint
feeling overwhelmed by appearances and dating apps are heavy on looks and swiping photos etc
I want to try and meet someone shall I just put myself out there and hope for the best ?

However you decide to meet someone, I very much recommend the burned haystack dating method. It's based on linguistic profiling and patterns in language to spot any potential red flags. It's so eye opening and helpful!

On the looks issue, I am sure you are being hard on yourself - but regardless of that there are all sorts of people out there and I do think there is someone for everyone.

Personally I'd say skip the apps and get out more meeting people. A couple of new hobbies/volunteering/a walking group. Anything really where you meet more people.

Yes, put yourself out there. You have nothing to lose do you? If you get rejected you haven't lost anything, you'll be exactly where you are now, but there may be a Mr Right for you and it's worth trying to find him.

Never let your looks prevent you from seeking what will make you happy. If it doesn’t work out you’re no worse off than you are now. Just keep an eye out for red flags so you’re not caught out by an abusive man and have some fun!

Not all men are good looking either 🤷‍♂️

Have you seen the men on dating apps.

Im a 5/10 on a good day and even I wouldn’t look twice at 80 percent of them (and that’s being generous). And another 10 percent are the hot gym bros or similar who wouldn’t look twice at me.

To be fair they don’t do themselves any favours with the type of pictures they take.

I don’t think online dating is great for people with insecurities tbh but if you just do it, then do it for maybe two weeks at a time. Just line up a few dates and then see how they go. If they don’t work out, take a break for a few months.

Otherwise it can get soul destroying.

No, they are brutal and if you don't have a thick skin it can be soul destroying. Don't put yourself through it, the pickings are really slim anyway

I think what I’m worried about is if it goes horribly wrong or fails I will find it really hard and probably take it way too personally and will really knock my confidence even further and I don’t know if I can put myself through it

Firstly, I'd work on your self-esteem before attempting to date, because thinking lowly of yourself could have you accepting bullies and predators. Those types of people look for people just like you--someone who they think they can control, bully, manipulate, etc.

Whatever it takes--therapy, reading books on how to boost your self-love, do it. And don't date until you can think, "I'm the treasure, and any guy will be lucky enough to have me, because I'm a wonderful person and will be a great partner."

It's always good, of course, to feel confident by playing up your best traits, and have a haircut and clothes that suit you. Just because you're not your own cup of tea looks wise doesn't mean a particular man will feel the same. He might find you to have a beautiful smile with a charming personality.

And just because if a second date didn't happen because he chooses not to, doesn't mean you're lacking in any way. I, myself, have found some men to be attractive and pleasant, yet the chemistry is missing for me. That's biology. Yes, it's upsetting when you'd like to see a guy again and he doesn't, but you need better self-talk, like, "Well, that's disappointing. Next!"

After my first marriage ended, I had to go on dates with about 30 men for several years before I met a keeper. Sometimes the guy wasn't into me. Sometimes I wasn't into the guy. Sometimes neither of us felt the chemistry. Because love is magical so it's not going to happen every time you have a first meet with a guy, or it could fizzle out quickly. So you should practice resiliency instead of feeling down about yourself. It's called being realistic and knowing that you usually have to dig through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

I suggest you presently make a dealbreaker list and a must-have list and stick to it. Gain a sense of power that you have standards and you're in the driver seat when it comes to who is worthy of being in your life and who you need to make a quick exit from. I also suggest not keeping all your eggs in one basket with OLD. There are Meetup.com groups, volunteer work, classes in cooking, dance, gardening, art. Make a goal of putting yourself out into the world for leisure and fun activities a few times a week. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Don’t then.

Dating isnt mandatory so if you feel it may have a detrimental effect, give it a swerve.

I second Burned Haystack. It'll make you focus on what YOU want, not what you think you should be and want. And it'll limit your exposure to the awful men on the apps. Keep learning and burning.

If you go & put yourself out there when your self esteem is minus 0 like OPS , ( all you have to do is read her post ) , well then you’ll meet all the Mr wrongs.

OP you need to work on yourself & find some confidence first .
You are 💯 not ready to date .

This

I’d never recommend putting yourself out there when so insecure. I’d work on that and then do it. There’s someone for everyone if they want that.

We are often our own harshest critic, and that’s actually really sad. Can you ask a trusted friend for some genuine compliments and listen to them, believe them and start holding your head higher?

My insecurities are - stomach after having a lot of kids and weight loss, boobs that have headed south due to the above, a lot of chin hair I have to deal with constantly, frown lines making me look cross when I’m really not at all. My autism making me rigid and rule obsessed. They are all part of me yes, but my DP loves me regardless and if you ask him he’d dismiss all the above completely and really compliment my bum, my boobs, my soft skin (even my stomach, he really doesn’t look at it the same!), my thick hair, my dry wit, my generosity and kindness, my time management skills, you get the idea. We both look at me very differently, he does with love and acceptance and I am trying to see myself through his eyes.

We met in real life btw, it’s still possible. Talk to people walking dogs, go out to local wine bars with a friend, start a new hobby, join an activity you’ve always wanted to try. My best friend met her partner in her fifties after learning to sail, and another did after getting hooked on golf.

Look around you and you’ll see conventially ‘unattractive’ people partnered up and very happy, and you’ll see stunning women who are cheated on and ignored again and again. Beauty is no guarantee, and a perceived lack of beauty isn’t a hindrance.

What is very attractive though is a good conversationalist with interesting things to say, who knows how to ask questions, how to be quiet and listen to the answers, how to show an interest in people, who remembers key things about them (eg woman with black hair recently single, man with beard happily married, man with nose ring badger expert and so on) and will make people feel good. And people always love to talk about themselves and there are a thousand ways you can create conversations out of that.

A good way to improve these skills is by attending places where people are, and doing so on a regular basis so people expect you there eg volunteering on a Thursday night at the food bank, going to the book club on a Saturday morning etc. And things like that often have extra events like the Christmas meal or the group going to the cafe after yoga. The point is to improve your confidence and get you away from ‘yourself’. You may or not find a partner (let’s be realistic, many people don’t) but wouldn’t you rather give yourself such a nice life that it doesn’t matter either way? And if there is someone you have your eye on (or you’ve barely noticed him because you’re having fun listening to Eileen’s stories of that disastrous Christmas) or he has his eye on you, you’ll be in a much better place to move forward. And you’ll have forgotten about your squint and glasses.

*thinking of when Mary Bennet is sat next to the horse racing guy and shows a genuine interest in this ‘boring’ man who turns out to be actually very interesting and informative.

I see where you are and I completely sympathise with you. Have you thought of a makeover first? I'm quite sure you're not ugly, just sort of average like the rest of us, but a sensible makeover (face, hair,.clothes) will accentuate your good bits and minimise your bad bits so you feel more confident in how you look and how you feel.

If you're happy being single then don't put yourself through it, go on holidays, pamper yourself and put thoughts of a partner to the back of your mind, but if you are looking for long term then I think you won't find anyone sitting at home.

If it's any guide, I know a few people who really are a bit less than average in looks and who married someone also a bit less than average in looks and have really happy, wholesome relationships. ♥️

I hear that some men can turn very nasty if you reject them and will fling out any insult that they think might hurt you (got a couple of objectively beautiful friends who received some amazing abuse from men who asked them out, were politely turned down and then became furious that the women might have thought they were interested) so if you are that fragile, I wouldn't do it. Negging still seems to be very much a thing too.

I think you are not in a good frame of mind to be dating. It sounds like you have a very negative self-perception.

As a slightly ridiculous example: in my opinion Boris Johnson is physically unattractive but he clearly does not believe he is unattractive. He thinks he is god's gift to women and the universe generally. Look at the stream of attractive women he has dated and married! He is filled with self-love and self-belief.

You need to harness some of that @QuickPearlFox before you put yourself out on the dating scene. If you put yourself out there as a terrified, self-perceived ugly person, then you will attract the kind of person looking for someone with low self-esteem and they are generally not very nice people! You have to love yourself first!

If you going into what is already going to be a tough environment with such a downer on yourself, it will only exacerbate your feelings of being ugly, not good enough. You need to work on your self esteem before doing this. Why would anybody think you were worthy if you don’t think you are yourself? People sense this. They will treat you badly, disregard you or play into your vulnerabilities and leave you worse off than before. You need to work on yourself mentally before you embark on this.