Would his honesty about cheating put you off a promising relationship?

[SmoothandFluffy]

I've recently met a guy online dating, and we really hit it off. First date was just drinks and a chat, and we got on really well. Loads in common, we both laughed loads. Second date we had a picnic at the beach and went swimming in the sea. Definite chemistry - I'm very attracted to him, and he seemed to like me too. Third date he cooked me a meal at his house. Things felt right and I kissed him. It was lovely.

We then spent ages talking about our lives, how we ended up single in our late 40s, and about what is important to us in a relationship. I told him that I'd had a bad experience of being cheated on, and that loyalty was important to me.

I'm not sure what came over me (I'm not usually like this!) but I really wanted to go further and started trying to undress myself and him. But he stopped me, and told me he had been unfaithful to his ex wife during their marriage, and that he couldn't go further without me knowing that, given how important I’d said loyalty was to me.

Obviously that killed the mood. I asked why he'd cheated and he said they'd had no sexual intimacy in years, and he eventually had a bit of a breakdown and slept with someone else. He stayed with her for another ten years after that until his kids had finished school.

I left his house then. And I'm really confused. He was genuinely lovely - funny, good looking, intelligent, kind. Not weird or pervy or anything like most of the guys I've met online. And he didn't have to tell me. But i don't know whether I should move on and wait for someone who has a better track record of being faithful.

You should probably ask this question at survivinginfidelity.com. Whether it can work out for you probably depends on what you both learned about yourselves from your experiences.

@SmoothandFluffy If a man tells you he's been unfaithful, you know he's telling the truth. If a man tells you he's never been unfaithful, you don't. Are you prepared to risk the latter in place of the former?

In other words, better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

It's a weird binary that seems to assume most men are cheaters.

There is also a third option: OP holds out for someone who has not already declared himself to be a cheater and actually isnt a cheater. They do exist.

Op, if you're inclined to keep seeing him, keep your wits about you.

I think his honesty speaks volumes about his character. He could easily have let things progress and kept it quiet but he respected you enough to tell you the worst bits about himself so that you could choose, knowing it all. I would value that and definitely think it’s worth giving him a chance. Have the conversation about what boundaries to put in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I hope it works out for you!

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta He fucked up, he admitted it - and did so out of respect for his new partner, it seems. I think that counts for a lot, although I accept any infidelity could be a deal breaker for @SmoothandFluffy : that's up to her.

For context: I'm M59, and my wife had an affair, so I have experience here unfortunately.

How many men would just carry on and not tell you? A huge proportion. It was years ago, not recently. Take it as a good sign and enjoy yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes and he seems to be OK otherwise. Give him a chance, I say.

I agree with this. My DP also told me that he’d cheated on at least 3 of his exes. Since then he’s made some huge changes in his life including sobriety, so the catalyst isn’t there anymore. I’m not naive enough to think it will never happen to me, but knowing at least 3 of my friends were cheated on by seemingly upstanding lovely family men who ‘would never’, I’m very much of the opinion it’s better the devil you know tbh.

I value loyalty hugely, but I value honesty above all and this chap has shown you that he has honesty and integrity when it matters .

I am going to ago against the grain here and say that as someone who was in this almost exact scenario, I would never date someone again who admitted to cheating. I was told fairly early on by an ex that she had cheated on her last girlfriend, I valued her honesty and thought that it was a green flag that she told me, she ended up cheating on me.

My FIL is quite open about cheating on his ex wife, he’s just been caught cheating on his new wife too. Statistically, the biggest indication that someone will cheat on you is if they’ve cheated on someone else.

I wouldn’t trust cheating to not happen again in this scenario. He’s basically pre warning as to what will happen if he doesn’t get the level of sex he’s happy with. Laying his cards down early, knowing that will always be in the back of your mind.

I don’t give men chances or the benefit of the doubt though - anything that could potentially disrupt my peace and that’s it. I have been single 8 years though and that’s unlikely to change, so I appreciate my views are more black and white and cynical than many peoples will be.

You are allowed to have your line in the sand. The bar is so low that a man could admit to arson and someone will still pipe up with, "At least he's being honest!" Yep, let's give them a medal for something that should come as standard.

He’s basically pre warning as to what will happen if he doesn’t get the level of sex he’s happy with

What, cheat and then stick around for ten years? What would be the point of laying that groundwork?

I’m not sure what you mean. He’s laying the groundwork because he’s made it clear he’s been happy to cheat in the past when sex wasn’t as frequent as he wanted it. He has told someone new this immediately.

@SmoothandFluffy - it’s difficult. Beyond a certain age, everyone comes with baggage and history - it would be odd if they didn’t.

I don’t subscribe to the belief ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. I think it can be circumstantial.

In any case, many people with infidelity in their history won’t tell you anyway so you can never be sure.

You know exactly how the conversation went. From the outside, it sounds like he made a connection between then and now which suggests he doesn’t consider himself able to (or perhaps does not wish to) offer fidelity now either. Is that the impression you got? Or did he make clear he saw this as historical?

He described it as “no sexual intimacy in years”, which I’m not sure is the same as “sex wasn’t as frequent as he wanted it”. Obviously he could have been lying.

But I take your point that it shows he’s capable of cheating, and it’s a really interesting point about whether it’s to instil in me some kind of fear that if I stopped wanting sex that he’d cheat on me too. But if so that’s remarkably forward thinking of him - he turned down pretty much guaranteed sex now, with a very high risk that he’d never see me again (he still might not - I’m on the fence) to have a chance of influencing a sex life with me in the future!

And what should he have said if he just respected her enough to let her know the truth about his past?

His confession seemed to follow on pretty directly from my telling him my views on infidelity. He very much linked his cheating to the extreme and longstanding lack of intimacy combined with not being able to bring himself to leave and no longer live with his kids. He’s obviously a very devoted dad - the walls in his house are covered with photos of his kids and there were photo albums of Disney and loads of other holidays under his coffee table, so it does look like he made “family” his priority. So his story does track.

I'm fairly.pragmatic about these things.

In reality, some people are sexually incontinent. Either because they dont value fidelity and don't consider it important to remain faithful if they see someone who catches their eye, or will actively pursue affairs. These people are the ones who will go through life and relationships cheating without thought or consideration, promise never to do it again and then carry on and hide it better.

Some people through their own moral standpoint will just never do it.

Some people will believe that they're not capable of it and might be right for years but a moment of weakness or vulnerability comes along, or a period of not having safeguarded their relationship carefully, and make an error in judgement or a mistake or just get caught up.on things, deeply regret it and resolve to never let it happen again.

Everyone I know who has ever cheated, fell into the latter group.

My dad had an affair. He left, he married her and they had 20+ years together until he died. He didnt cheat on her. He'd just ben desperately unhappy in his marriage to my mum (for context, my sibling and I are now nc with her and he stayed in the marriage until we were late teens to protect us).

My exh also had an affair. They have now been together for 14 years and I know that he won't have cheated on her because he's not 'a cheater'. But our marriage was in a bad place and my mum's behaviour had a huge impact on us and my dad dying was the final straw for both of us really. It gave us both chance to be happy.

I went out with someone a few years ago who admitted similar to this man has admitted to you. He told me early on, as this man has told you. He was very contrite, had obviously done a huge amount of self reflection, regretted it immensely for the harm it had caused his ex and what it had revealed about him.

We spit up for other reasons but, in some ways, but i was as confident as I could be about anyone that he wouldn't cheat because I could see how it had affected him.

People will say a leopard doesn't change its spots, which is overly simplistic. Lots of people dont realise they could be vulnerable to an affair if they've never been in the position. The people I've detailed above werent in happy relationships. They had been at one point but life had overwhelmed them and they made the wrong choice. Does that make it ok?

No. Of course not. Conversations, splitting up are all far better options but the reality is that humans are flawed and there will even be people who insist they've never had an affair who have done because they can justify why they did it to themselves and so dont consider it in the same league as people who just go out on the pull when they're married or because they dont like what it reveals about themselves.

I also disagree with the 'laying the groundwork' comment. Yes, some people will be telling you 'who they are' (don't give me enough sex and I'll look elsewhere; I'll shag about and when you challenge me on it, I'll tell you that you knew i was like this from the start) and other people will be saying, I was in an untenable situation for a long time. I should have handled it diferently and but I didn't. I made the wrong choice at the time but I regret it and I wouldn't do it again.

There is also a third option: OP holds out for someone who has not already declared himself to be a cheater and actually isnt a cheater. They do exist.

That is true but no one actually knows if they've met this person or the one who has cheated and is lying.

It's a bit of the proof of the pudding is in the eating situation.

Basically, OP, unless someone is communicating generally that they don't value monogamy or is spouting shit about men needing variety or whatever, or is behaving inappropriately with other women when you're out together etc, you have no way of knowing whether someone will cheat on you or even has until/unless you discover an affair.

And someone not having had an affair previously is no guarantee that they won't in the future if the conditions are right.

So you have to judge someone based on what you believe is their position now.

@SmoothandFluffy There are no guarantees in life. The top three methods to safeguard against unhappiness in a relationship are communication, communication and communication.

He has already been open with you. There's a chance (tiny, in my view) that his revelation could be part of a plan of manipulation, but I doubt it.

You don't have to commit yourself to him, now, for the rest of your life. You could say something like, "I respect you for what you told me, but even the slightest chance of infidelity is upsetting to me. Would you agree to some simple methods of openness - e.g. the agreement to check each other's phones every now and again?" or something like that. Take it a day, a week, a month and a year at a time. Build trust.

@NeedSomeGuidanceOnThis An excellent comment, clearly from hard-won experience.

I don’t subscribe to once a cheat always a cheat and the fact he was upfront would mean a lot to me.

To me it would depend if the infidelity was a one off or a repeated occurrence. Someone can make a lapse of judgement once, be horrified by their behaviour and never do it again. That is a different kettle of fish altogether to someone who repeatedly cheats and obs has no problem with lying and deceit.

Hm. This is an interesting one. I feel like actually he showed a good degree of integrity by telling you, especially given the moment when he was about to have some physical intimacy, but instead he chose emotional vulnerability (because he knew you might judge him, you might not come back etc). To me this is more of a green flag, if anything. The fact he cheated is neither here nor there - most people are capable of cheating under some circumstances, and I don't think it necessarily means he's a serial cheater. Watch Esther Perel's TED talk about infidelity. It might help you to understand how someone can cheat (once, perhaps) but not be a terrible person. Humans are complicated. Me personally, I'd give him a go, but maybe I'd put him to a test: go somewhere (like a cocktail bar) where you know there'll be tonnes of really good looking women, dressed up and sexy, and see how he is around them. Does his eye follow other women, or does he focus on you? That'll tell you more about his tendencies than his confession of cheating a long time ago.

Both me and my husband had been unfaithful in the past. Both of us regretted it as it caused a lot of pain and neither of us would ever do it again. But we were honest with each other when we met and I trust my husband completely as I see my own actions in his. He took a risk when confessing to you-he could have said nothing. I would judge on where he is now and how that experience shaped him.

I don't think from what you have said here that there is anything promising about this relationship? What is promising about it? Its all just early dating highs and a revelation that he's a cheater

As soon as someone admitted to it, I would walk away. You can’t be sure with anyone, but if they told me they had in the past, I’d not want to be seeing them again.