Would his honesty about cheating put you off a promising relationship?

[SmoothandFluffy]

I've recently met a guy online dating, and we really hit it off. First date was just drinks and a chat, and we got on really well. Loads in common, we both laughed loads. Second date we had a picnic at the beach and went swimming in the sea. Definite chemistry - I'm very attracted to him, and he seemed to like me too. Third date he cooked me a meal at his house. Things felt right and I kissed him. It was lovely.

We then spent ages talking about our lives, how we ended up single in our late 40s, and about what is important to us in a relationship. I told him that I'd had a bad experience of being cheated on, and that loyalty was important to me.

I'm not sure what came over me (I'm not usually like this!) but I really wanted to go further and started trying to undress myself and him. But he stopped me, and told me he had been unfaithful to his ex wife during their marriage, and that he couldn't go further without me knowing that, given how important I’d said loyalty was to me.

Obviously that killed the mood. I asked why he'd cheated and he said they'd had no sexual intimacy in years, and he eventually had a bit of a breakdown and slept with someone else. He stayed with her for another ten years after that until his kids had finished school.

I left his house then. And I'm really confused. He was genuinely lovely - funny, good looking, intelligent, kind. Not weird or pervy or anything like most of the guys I've met online. And he didn't have to tell me. But i don't know whether I should move on and wait for someone who has a better track record of being faithful.

I’m not sure how much more promising it could be at the three date mark?

So maybe your point is that if you find out this early that someone is a cheater, it is always right to walk away?

Or is it that you would walk away if you found that out at any point in a relationship?

Sorry, I might just be missing the point you are actually making!

Most men are capable of cheating and if they were being truthful, i bet many have cheated in their lifetimes! I think he has been very open, I would give him chance, he knows your views on loyalty!

This is definitely how I thought I’d be too. I’m usually quite risk averse.

I just really liked him! Maybe I’ve had one too many shit dates and am setting my bar too low though.

Agh! Dating in your late forties is so hard!

Depends if it is the truth or his version
Thry always blame lack of sex.
Is he dating several people?..to keep his options open.
Of course he is lovely at the start...arent they all.
Cheating can be a one off or a players game.
Up to you to decide.

Brilliant! That’s something I’ll remember!

Everyone is capable of cheating.

Even those who say they aren't, are. They are capable they just choose to prioritise and pour their energy into protecting and nurturing their actual relationship. They are making a choice - even if it feels natural and obvious.

OP, i would look at the choice someone is making. It's believing some people are capable whilst others aren't that enables some affairs to happen. It's recognising that we could all be vulnerable to it that means people safeguard their relationship.

You only have to look at the number of threads on here by women who've been married for 20 years and never had cause to doubt or suspect their husband, who has now developed a close friendship with a woman at work or running club, who finds himself texting late at night, sharing songs, etc. And when confronted, those men insist she's 'just a friend' and that'll be how it started but he isn't safeguarding his primary relationship.

The reality is that most afairs start in the way any other relationship starts - friendship, communication, shared experiences, emotional intimacy, developing feelings. Its why so many people claim the affair 'just happened'. They didn't set out to cheat, they just didn't make sure soon enough that they didn't.

I'd be more interested in if he understood this and how he'd do things differently to make sure it didnt happen again.

He claims not to be dating several people. I actually contacted him first a few weeks ago, and at that time he replied saying he had a date lined up with someone else. Then he got back in touch with me a bit after - turns out that date hadn’t worked out!

Sorry, yes that was my point. I don't think there is much to lose at this stage because although it seems great, there isn't much more you could feel at this point.

I would definitely walk away at this stage. Its not like it was a relationship in his early 20s when he cheated, this was his wife. If there is no sex in a relationship, having an affair or cheating isn't the answer - you discuss it and if it can't be resolved even with therapy, then you split and find someone else. There is no need at all to cheat, no matter how bad things were

He admitted it was an active choice. He went on Ashley Madison and found someone else in a similar situation. So it wasn’t an affair in the sense of a friendship which grew into something it shouldn’t - it was literally finding a hookup for sex. In other words, he really did set out to cheat (once things got bad enough). Not sure if that is better or worse really!

He seemed regretful, but he didn’t say anything like “this will never happen again, because…”

Jesus christ, get rid!

The conversation needs to develop further.

To rule out the possibility that he's just setting up a situation wherein he can sleep around on the grounds that you were informed what he was like - you need to know what his intentions are should you two get serious. Is it, 'I cheated and l don't intend to do that again' or is it 'I don't intend to cheat but I might; I have in the past'?

What you could say is something like, 'I don't tolerate cheating when I'm in a committed relationship' or whatever your actual boundaries are.

If you need to know his intentions or views on this, ask him to spell them out. It won't guarantee fidelity but at least he loses this fall back excuse.

He sounds very honest.

I had a successful relationship with someone as honest. Same reason his dw hadn't liked sex. I've been on the same predicament with exdh so could sympathise. It's awful. Especially when you have a sex drive yourself.

Just take it slow. He sounds prepared to.

And most men cheat that's a fact. He's unlikely to again by the sounds of it.

I don't believe that once you've cheated once you'll do it again. My ex cheated on me multiple times, the last one he ended up marrying. He has been faithful to her for 35 years. Our relationship was wrong, I wasn't the woman for him.

I’ve been cheated on @SmoothandFluffy but I think I’d take a chance and carry on seeing him. I value honesty and I think it was brave of him to admit it rather than go further with you without telling you.

I would be slightly concerned that somewhere down the road he cheats and says "well, you knew what I was like..."

Also you have no way of knowing if someone is "genuinely lovely" after 3 dates.

Bloody hell there’s a lot of sanctimonious drivel being uttered on this thread but then again , for some reason, MN always has to put everything into black and white. No grey areas.
I was also a cheat in my first marriage. Due to lack of sex. In fact no sex for 11 years by the time I cheated . I also stayed in the marriage for another 7 years because I didn’t want the kids to be shuttling backwards and forwards for a decade and we didn’t hate each other. We divorced when youngest went to Uni. I’ve been remarried 21years and have never cheated again . I’m so glad that my husband doesn’t hold such rigid views of once a cheater, always a cheat. I’m also glad that he has the ability to take such important matters in context. If I of the OP’s boyfriend had been shagging around for years, I would say that is a character trait. When somebody cheats once after a long period of sexual abstinence which had been imposed by the other party, I think it’s an entirely different matter.

His honesty would give me confidence that he's a decent person.

Perhaps have a conversation about your expectations regarding fidelity and communication, be exceedingly clear.

I would continue dating this man.

The issue is whether you can relax enough to enjoy the start of what seems to be a relationship?

just because someone has been unfaithful in the past doesnt mean they will be unfaithful in a new relationship. He was honest with you before becoming intimate. I think that says a lot about him. Maybe he wont want to be with you if you are so judgemental

Maybe meet up.and have a frank discussion!
He sounds like he is emotionally mature and not shying away from talking about it !
There is no harm in laying your cards on the table and you telling him what u want and will not accept in a relationship!
It's called a grown up relationship!
Better to talk than to just bin it off U could end up super happy with the guy x

I think what other messages in this thread show, is that plenty of reasonable people would still give things a try with him. It's not an unreasonable thing to do.

Doesn't mean that you have to do it, you have your own experience to contend with and your own standards. So the point here is to work out whether it's right for you to give him a try.

You said it completely killed the mood when you found out. In that instant, you no longer fancied him. Why not see him again and see if, now you know and have got a bit more used to the idea, you still fancy him? Or if actually you just don't.

Ie trust your gut, go with your gut, but you probably have to have another date to know what you think.

You want to START a relationship by checking each others phones?? Wtaf!

How the hell is that building trust? That's batshit.

Fwiw OP I would see the admission and reflection as a good thing and give it a chance if everything else feels good. Just be a little wary of over committing your heart until you fully know and trust him (same as any new relationship)

Must have been very hard on his ex wife being in the thick of parenting, dealing with a husband who has a breakdown and sleeps with someone else.

Sounds like a lot of history to take on for a new relationship. And this is his version only.

I'd give him a chance.
He's in his late 40's... he's lived a life.
Nobody is perfect. His marriage sounded shite.

Sounds like he has severe hang ups and guilt and regret from past relationships. Red flag. Don't get involved in this man's angst.

Who isn't going to have history when you're dating in your 40s and 50s?

You can be cautious OP and of course your decision and feelings are the only ones that matter, but I'm going to think this man will one day think his honesty isn't getting him anywhere and will just not tell next time.

And FWIW i think the way he did it, specifically seekout someone purely for sex, is better than if he just sleepwalked into an affair with 'just a work colleague' or 'friend'. Its not ideal and tbh if he doesn't think he'd actually ever cheat on someone again I think I would rather have just not known, but he seems honest, likely too honest for his own good clearly