Would his honesty about cheating put you off a promising relationship?

[SmoothandFluffy]

I've recently met a guy online dating, and we really hit it off. First date was just drinks and a chat, and we got on really well. Loads in common, we both laughed loads. Second date we had a picnic at the beach and went swimming in the sea. Definite chemistry - I'm very attracted to him, and he seemed to like me too. Third date he cooked me a meal at his house. Things felt right and I kissed him. It was lovely.

We then spent ages talking about our lives, how we ended up single in our late 40s, and about what is important to us in a relationship. I told him that I'd had a bad experience of being cheated on, and that loyalty was important to me.

I'm not sure what came over me (I'm not usually like this!) but I really wanted to go further and started trying to undress myself and him. But he stopped me, and told me he had been unfaithful to his ex wife during their marriage, and that he couldn't go further without me knowing that, given how important I’d said loyalty was to me.

Obviously that killed the mood. I asked why he'd cheated and he said they'd had no sexual intimacy in years, and he eventually had a bit of a breakdown and slept with someone else. He stayed with her for another ten years after that until his kids had finished school.

I left his house then. And I'm really confused. He was genuinely lovely - funny, good looking, intelligent, kind. Not weird or pervy or anything like most of the guys I've met online. And he didn't have to tell me. But i don't know whether I should move on and wait for someone who has a better track record of being faithful.

I didn’t get any sense of any hang ups. Guilt, yes. But processed guilt, not raw, exposed guilt.

At my age I’d expect some baggage. I’d be writing myself off too if any baggage from past relationships counted me out!

At best, you are selecting against men who tell the truth. At worst, you are actively training men that they should lie.

I think you should think about the person who cheated on you. Imagine they’re with a new partner and confessed, giving the reasons why. What would you want to say to that new partner? Would you think they’re a mug for considering staying or would you think he could have changed?

Both dh and I were serial cheaters when we met in our 20/30s. We met as a ons. Both of us had fwb at that point. We became exclusive fairly quickly and have spent the last 25 years together.

We're human. We fuck up. And then we don't.

I'd want to know what work he had done on himself since. What has he learnt about himself and how he handles situations and stress differently now.His reasoning didn't show accountability. There are plenty of people in relationships where intimacy is off the cards and they don't make the decision to cheat. I'd also be wary that you're only getting his side of the story and talk is cheap. Has he had any actual therapy? I'd be observing his actions because over time will tell you if he makes decisions selfishly.

Just had a message from him:

”Hi, I thought I’d follow up on Sunday night. I really enjoyed seeing you again, and would love to have a fourth date.

I know conversation got a bit intense at the end of our last one, and I will completely understand if you decide you’d rather move on than take a risk on me. I’d be very sad not to see you again, but I’m glad I was honest with you regardless.”

I hadn’t contacted him since our date due to not knowing how to proceed! I’ll need to make my mind up soon - I hate ghosters and don’t want to be one!

I don't think I would write someone off based on this alone. I would be curious about what conversations proceeded his decision to look outside the marriage and if he thinks he should have approached it differently.

I think in some ways arranging to meet someone via AM is better than having a random affair and getting emotionally entangled. It wasn't a moment of weakness, he didn't just get his head turned but he weighed up available options, considered the effects on his family of staying Vs leaving and took what he perceived to be the least worst / least risky choice.

Ooohhhh, I was on the fence a bit (seeing both sides of the points of view expressed here) but that would tip it for me.

It wasn't a moment of weakness he gave into in the wrong circumstances (attractive woman, feeling wanted, maybe some drink involved interfering with his judgement) with the unhappy marriage being the background context.

He turned this decision over and over in his mind and then decided to actively go and seek out betrayal.

To me that suggests there is something fundamentally wrong with his moral compass, even when he has time to sit and dispassionately reason it out (not just something wrong with his willpower or in-the-moment judgement). He doesn't actually logically understand why cheating is wrong.

Noooo thanks, next!

So interesting that we see this in a completely opposite way! If he thought that he'd rather sacrifice his love life in order to stay with his family, he could actually have made that sacrifice instead of trying to have his cake and eat it. He could have asked his wife about opening the marriage, he could have lived without sex or he could have chosen to leave. I don't think that choosing to deceive the mother of your coherence so that she doesn't get to also make a choice, with all the facts, is a legitimate option and I'd find it very worrying and telling that he did.

You don't need to ghost. Just say you're still thinking about it or you've thought it over and have decided not to continue. And wish him well.

@SmoothandFluffy - I like how he has expressed himself.

You may feel differently as many posters on this thread do, but in your shoes, I would see him again and see how things unfold, possibly remaining a bit vigilant but frankly I think some vigilance is sensible at the start of any new relationship.

You seem to like him a lot apart from this and as another poster touched on upthread - you're not agreeing to marry him, it's just another date. Very early on with DH, I was in a bit of a quandary and a male friend said to me: "Why don't you just go to dinner and see how it goes?". I can be a bit black & white and it literally hadn't occurred to me that I could just let things unfold.

So I say to you: "why don't you just go on a 4th date and see how it goes?". If that thought repels you, then there's your answer. If you like that thought - that is also an answer. It's enough for now.

It’s good he owned up to cheating. However I would always be sceptical about a man who blames that situation on his wife by saying there was no sexual intimacy.
If that’s even true (but this is the line they all trot out) then what was his part in letting his marriage get to that point? Does he take any accountability? Because if not I’d be giving him a massive wide berth. Sounds like he’s trying to justify his cheating behaviour to himself.

People can change and experiences allow us to mature.
sex drive diminishes just as testosterone levels do.

I‘d say it’s pretty unfair to just judge him by his previous mistake.

Give him a chance OP.

Holding reply: I'm not meaning to ghost you, I just having processed or worked out how I feel yet. Or something similar. You don't need to rush to a decision just to reply to a text.

I cheated on previous long term partner. He was always playing silly games. I have been married 40 years and never cheated on husband and never would. I’d give him a chance.

I think you are the only one who can instinctively say whether it's a sackable offence. It will come from his behaviour, his attitude to you, the way he treats you and talks to you. That takes time to really understand.

youll get divided views on here. It's how you feel when you're with him and whether he gives you reassurance about your future together, not in a love bombing or future faking way, but just his general demeanour,

my DH then DP behaved consistently (including initiating a request for us both to come off the OLD website we had met on, once we'd decided to go exclusive. I was ready to, so was he). There are other things he did but pointless listing them as they may be completely irrelevant to you, but just go by how he is, give him the chance to show you that he is loyal and that cheating on his ex was because their relationship had well and truly broken down by then.

There's a problem here.

He could be sincere and totally level with you and has no intention of repeating what he sees as a genuine mistake.

Or

He is actively letting you know who he is now, which he may think further down the line gives him a free pass to say "well you knew what I was like and you still pursued a relationship" to absolve himself of any responsibility.

How do you tell the difference?

And the question isn't just about whether he would cheat again.

It's also about whether you can trust anyone.

Forget the past - his or yours.
He might be a cheater. But he might not be.
You might not trust him and that might be justified.

Or you might not trust him and it's totally unjustified and to do with your unresolved trust issues where you can't ultimately trust anyone again.

You can't have any relationship where there is no trust.

Do you think you can have a relationship with someone who has cheated? Do you think you can have a relationship with someone who swears they haven't cheated? Ultimately the question is still the same:

Do you trust HIM? Not a vague notion of a generic man who has cheated but this individual bloke.

What is the relationship like between you two NOT what either of your previous relationships were.

There's a difference, as subtle as it might seem.

And from there about what headspace you are in for feeling able to give the benefit of the doubt.

Utter shock on MN as man acts with complete integrity.

More as we get it.

It would put me off totally..

The cheating admission and him turning you down to me is him portraying himself as this really good model guy. When his history says otherwise. He is playing the long game...

Not for me but them I am a skeptic.

Take no notice @Viviennemarywould find fault with Jesus Christ simply on the basis he was male.

"In reality, some people are sexually incontinent. Either because they dont value fidelity and don't consider it important to remain faithful if they see someone who catches their eye, or will actively pursue affairs. These people are the ones who will go through life and relationships cheating without thought or consideration, promise never to do it again and then carry on and hide it better.
Some people through their own moral standpoint will just never do it.
Some people will believe that they're not capable of it and might be right for years but a moment of weakness or vulnerability comes along, or a period of not having safeguarded their relationship carefully, and make an error in judgement or a mistake or just get caught up.on things, deeply regret it and resolve to never let it happen again.
Everyone I know who has ever cheated, fell into the latter group."

So the three options are: sexually incontinent cheaters, people who would never cheat no matter what, and cheaters who are "driven" to cheating by circumstance.

And you've never met the first option. I on the other hand know quite a few people who look like the third option but have simply learned how not to get caught. Their redemption is skin-surface.

Cheating is never about circumstance, it's about entitlement. And self-pity. It's about giving yourself permission to cheat because you think you deserve it over the right of your spouse to know that their entire emotional, mental, physical, financial, and familial health is being put at risk.

This man has the self-pity needed to cheat. Note the present tense - he HAS the self-pity. He felt and still feels entitled to his cheating episode (and I really doubt that it was only the one time). Ergo he will give himself permission to cheat again when he feels enough self-pity.

This is not a redeemed cheater. This is a man with the embers of cheating still flickering within him, waiting for the wind of self-pity.

And that also makes me suspect his motives for telling you upfront. Maybe he does actually feel bad about it, and thinks that telling you will magically ensure that he won't do it again. Or maybe - as a PP suggested - he's setting OP up to never deny him sex. That is not unlikely.

OP, keep your eyes out.

Your experience and opinion are different to mine. It's allowed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that's overstating his virtue somewhat given he signed up to Ashley Madison while married 😂.

Maybe a more accurate headline would be, "Slight skepticism on MN as man now appears to be behaving with integrity towards brand new love interest despite having showed a lack of it towards long-time wife and mother of his children"

More accurate, but doesn't quite paint MN as full of shrill, illogical, unreasonable, man-hating shrews, I suppose! (Which I think may have been more the point...!)

Would-his-honesty-about-cheating-put-you-off-a-promising-relationship?

NO.

@MrRydersParlourGame Oh, come on; I never said "shrew"...