Husband giving me the silent treatment after daughters argued at home

[Concernedfrustrated22]

My 2 daughters had an argument while I was out babysitting our grandkids
my husband was home
He rang me and I missed the call as I was bathing the baby
He rang my other daughter (who I was babysitting for) and told her to tell me to get home and sort the other 2 daughters out then he hung up before she could tell him she wasn’t back home yet
she rang and told me so I rang him and asked what happened he said get home and see and hung up on me
I couldn’t go straight home because I was babysitting
he hasn’t spoken to me since (3 days)
its only 2 weeks since the last time he stopped talking to me
(it’s a regular occurrence)
many advice please

Op, please just get in with your life. Go out more, do things you want to do. If you’re cooking for everyone anyway, it’s fine if you want to include him but stop doing anything extra. Stop making teas for him.
When he deems you’ve been punished enough and he wants to talk, just continue engaging minimally and carry on going out and doing the things you want to do.

As others have said, it’s possible to be loving and caring whilst still attending to your own needs from time to time.

Leaving that aside, have you ever been in paid employment or has your H always been the sole breadwinner? If the latter, then i do think it’s fair enough for you to take the lead on keeping the home and cooking meals. It’s completely different if you have children for whom you are caring but your children are now adults. It sounds like you’re a very hands-on grandmother and that’s great but again it sounds like you have been facilitated in that by not having to financially support yourself.

Your H’s treatment of you is pathetic and abusive but i can see why you don’t really wish to leave; unless you’re physically in danger, it may make sense not to. Ignoring him and cracking on with your stuff may be the best way to go.

Glad to hear this. His behaviour is manipulative.

Why would he have an oxygen tank?
No one I know with the condition has one (yet).

Yes they do , depending on bad the copd is,

My husband has had COPD for ten years, gradually getting worse. Do you want to stay that long?

Agree - and stop making teas and dinners for someone who's giving you the silent treatment!

@kellygoeswest
yes exactly this. That is also what I would do.

You say it would be difficult to leave financially, but what type of situation do you face if he dies? Will you be ok or do you need to start thinking about your future?

Treating him like he’s invisible will not work out for you in the long run also because your deeply ingrained senses of people pleasing and guilt will kick in. He will
merely continue to wear you down like he has your entire marriage.Show him properly what the loss of you means.

Your best option by far here is to seek legal advice with a view to divorce. Knowledge is also power

You do not want to end up also becoming his long term carer because adult social care will be quite happy for you to carry that can.

Also because it takes a terrible emotional toll on a normal health person to live like this.

It’s abuse and manipulation. If you can’t leave him. Do not do anything for him. Let him not speak, he’ll break before you. The ball is in your court not his. What an abusive arsehole. My dad was like this and he died alone because he was a narcissist and put himself and his feelings first before any of his family. He was only 68. Don’t waste any more of your life on him.

So your husband has Copd and you feel guilty when you do something for yourself. WHY? . He obviously doesn't feel guilty being a miserable git and having a go at you. I am presuming he's also forgotten that your daughters are also his daughters and he should be perfectly capable of sorting them out. I guess you have to decide whether you you want to spend tbe rest of your life with him. When your kids go it will just be the 2 of you.

Just stop cooking for him. To be honest I’d go out over lunchtime and leave him to it. If he is genuinely struggling he can use his words and ask you politely.

Does his illness affect his cognitive processes? As in not realising that it's not your job to be a ref for your adult children, and that you can't leave a baby in a bath?
Is his suffering in really bad pain, and annoyed you're babysitting because he can't cope alone, and your daughters arguing in front of him pushed him to the brink?
You need some help-if he really is so ill that he can't control his behaviour, you need someone to help you out so you're not bearing all of it, and your daughters need to grow up and not argue in front of their ill dad.

He has been in full time employment until things got bad with his breathing a few weeks ago.
hes now on the sick from work and facing the prospect that he may loose his job.
he has copd and fibrosis of the lungs.
just had a urgent CT and assessment from the oxygen team
he also has Crohn’s disease and diabetes.
hes has never been hands on with any of our children always left it to me, same with household chores and finances
he lives on planet man where money is concerned
I was working FT until last year when I lost my job
like I said previously he has always had these moods and always blames the silence on his health saying he’s not feeling well 🤷‍♀️
I will add I also have Crohn’s and had my bowel removed (now have a stoma)
I also suffer from poorly managed high blood pressure and clinical depression.
The guilt stems from, my life was in pieces when we first met, my first husband died along with my 2 year old son.
he accepted me & my 3 children bought our home and gave us stability
I owe him for that
deep down I know I have been very good to him and repaid him for saving me
I have struggled to get mortgage and debt free, ( like I said, he has no concept of money and spends without any consideration weather we can afford it).
So no I don’t want to walk away from my home of 29 years and start again
its been a long hard road to get financially stable and my home the way I want it
part of me is done but part of me thinks why should I loose everything 😳

Op it sounds like you’ve really had it tough. And you deserve some stability, security and happiness. Have you ever had counselling? You can ask your gp to refer you.

yes I have had counciling previously along with a mental health nurse who helped me cope with the clinical depression x

There are carers for this exact reason, you're not forced to stay, explain you're leaving due to abuse and you're requesting an urgent care act needs assessment.

You don't have to put up with abuse. And that's exactly what this is "how dare you be out of the house providing loving care for children when you should be serving me exclusively" he's sabotaging relationships. Go stay with your external family whilst you await housing - this will also bump you up the list. Claim universal credit, And do not feel guilty as the carers will come in daily to help even whilst awaiting an assessment if you ask for interim care.

At the end of your life will you really feel like you lived a happy enriching life if you've dredged yourself through as someone else's skivvy because you felt "guilty" and not spent time watching your grandchildren grow? Sorry if it sounds uncaring but sometimes people get so sucked into their "emotional contracts" they fail to see there are other options and they have their own lives ticking down as well.
Sending support. You're strong enough.

Only lost your job last year so you can get another? I’m sorry he treats you this way, it’s disgusting, especially when you do everything for him. I can’t believe you still feed him and make him drinks. I get that you’re a people pleaser, but goodness me, it’s doormat behaviour and you deserve so much better.

This is so sad. You and your children dont deserve to live like this. Its like you are punishing yourself. Or think he has a right to be like this.
You dont need to stay and look after him . You owe him nothing.
You have one life and sound like you have been through a hell of a lot yourself and health wise need a calm environment. Save and get out. Find a private landlord if the wait list is very long for a council house.

This sounds thoroughly miserable existence. Honestly, you’ve got a long life ahead of you. I really wouldn’t waste it on this horrible man however I do understand you don’t want to throw everything away on a whim and you have serious Guilt over leaving him. However, this doesn’t sound sustainable and nor should it so if you are serious about making changes or leaving, you’ve got nothing to lose by having it out with him. I’d be making it crystal clear that you’re not prepared to put up with his shit any longer and that actually he needs you now a lot more than you need him and you’re not going to be his carer if he’s going to continue being an arsehole. Be clear about the changes you want and be 100% steadfast in any threats to leave or doing things around the house and helping him. He needs to see you are serious about this or nothing will change. I would also consider speaking to your children about it if this is the sort of relationship you have - chances are they’ll be relieved that you’re finally standing up to him!

My father did the silent treatment to my mother. It went on for 3 weeks! He only stopped when she said she was going to consult their GP about his behaviour