Husband giving me the silent treatment after daughters argued at home

[Concernedfrustrated22]

My 2 daughters had an argument while I was out babysitting our grandkids
my husband was home
He rang me and I missed the call as I was bathing the baby
He rang my other daughter (who I was babysitting for) and told her to tell me to get home and sort the other 2 daughters out then he hung up before she could tell him she wasn’t back home yet
she rang and told me so I rang him and asked what happened he said get home and see and hung up on me
I couldn’t go straight home because I was babysitting
he hasn’t spoken to me since (3 days)
its only 2 weeks since the last time he stopped talking to me
(it’s a regular occurrence)
many advice please

Yes, you are being treated like mummy and acting like mummy. You have to treat him like he’s an adult, and adults can get their own meals.

Have you told him that you will no longer tolerate his behaviour and he Has one last chance to stop you leaving. If you are so reluctant to leave, have you at least done that?

Two can play at this game. My father could be like that. Live your life as though he doesn’t exist

COPD doesn't make you a wazzock.

My nature is to look after others
I have always been the same
i feel guilty if I even act selfishly and put myself first

You need to learn how to take responsibility for how you think about yourself, for how you act and your interactions with others. You can see already that this behaviour is harmful and you need help to get to grip with understanding that looking after yourself isn’t being selfish. That it will be fine if you stand up for yourself and set an example to your children.

You have done no one any favours by training your husband to bring out the worst in himself by being a doormat. The two of you create an unhappy combination of characteristics. It’s highly likely that your husband is also unhappy with the inequality in the relationship.

You will benefit from therapy to understand the anxiety and feelings of low self worth that led you to marry a man such as your husband and to work out how you want to live the rest of your life.

Then he can get some carers in to assist him. Maybe he would be less awful to them

Also having diabetes doesn’t make you incapable of looking after yourself

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. And his reasons for it are just ridiculous. You were out helping your other child!

If you want to stay I’d be booking in for couples therapy and telling him he can either come with you or you’ll go on your own, but you won’t stand for being treated this way.

LTB.

If you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you have always got.

How old are you?

If he can't be bothered to talk to you, then you don't need to feel any obligation to look after him. Please carry on with your plans to leave.

It’s 57

Does he exercise regularly to improve his lung health? Has he quit smoking? Does he walk and swim to improve his general health? That is what my father did when he was diagnosed with COPD and now is in better health than he was when he was diagnosed. His older brother did none of those thing and died 3 years ago.

Does he look after his diet or does he expect you to do it? Does he still eat crap when his meals are not being put in front of him?

There is no point to him, he does nothing. You should get yourself a job and a divorce. Change is scary but that doesnt mean that it is wrong. The reason you are a people pleaser is because that is what he (and probably your parents) have trained you to be. So start saying no. He wants a cup of tea? He gets it. He doesnt want to get it? Then he goes without. Start small...."I want a cup of tea" "Well you know where the kettle is".

Don[t feel guilty. This is classic manipulation. "Oh, poor meeee!" Think of yourself for once.
You[ve been married 27 years. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that???

OP says he has COPD & diabetes, he probably isn’t capable of getting his own meals and if the stove is gas, he shouldn’t be near it with an oxygen tank

OP is between a rock and a hard place here. Husbands behaviour is out of order but being petty/abusive back could kill him

If you can’t/won’t leave, then at least be more assertive. It may not come easily to you - but it is important to model to your daughters.
You should say that you are fed up of being taken for granted and from now on, he needs to ask (nicely) if he wants a cup of tea or lunch or whatever you do for him. Tell him that you find the silent treatment tedious and it is not going to change anything. Also say that you are not at his beck and call and that the argument between your other daughters is something he should have just dealt with himself and certainly did not rank as the kind of emergency for you to leave your grandchild.
Be clear that you are aware of his health issues but that those do not mean he can be unpleasant to others - and especially not to you.
And if you’re feeling brave, then demand an apology!
Good luck - you deserve better treatment 💐

The thing is, none of us can help you grow a backbone. You have to learn how to stand up for yourself !

Go stay with one of your daughters and start the separation process.

Walking more could be beneficial to his health.
Block his phone when you are out.

You can be the one caring and giving out to others, BUT that does not mean they, namely (your husband) can treat you like a doormat, verbally abuse you, and use your kindness against you.

Your husband is abusing you, he knows what he’s doing and I suspect he’s honed his craft perfectly since you married. What’s more he knows how you will react to his treatment.

If nothing changes, nothing changes…honestly. Diabetics can cook, they can do any number of things, stop ‘doing’ for him until he stops this childish sulking. Explain you are withdrawing services until he learns to be an adult and speaks to you in an acceptable way.

And make an appointment to see a Solicitor, find out how things stand for you if or when you’ve finally had enough.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Were one or both your parents difficult people to please?. People pleasing like you are doing often comes about from wanting to parent please a difficult or otherwise emotional absent parent. It does you no favours at all because your own needs go unmet and your boundaries become poor. Your abusive husband has further abused you by using this against you. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

What do your daughters think of their dad ?. They need to be taught also the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none so your relationship to him is over. It was over the first time he abused you.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and is about power and control. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship . You are not emotionally safe enough to do any sessions jointly.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You owe him nothing, let alone a relationship here. You have a choice re him.

IIl or not what a pathetic excuse of a father that he can't sort out an argument between his own children. Why waste the rest of your life on him?

Thank you for all the responses and advice
you are all right.
I guess I just needed to know that I am not being unreasonable in finding the silent treatment unfair unpleasant and depressing.
I know if I try to talk to him about it he will claim it’s all in my head.
hes done it many times before, makes out he doesn’t know what I am talking about, or says he’s not well and just doesn’t feel like talking.
so I intend to treat him like he is invisible and carry on with my days as normal.
Will have the last laugh ❤️

My DH used to do this. I didn’t know at the time it was abuse but I hated it. People say ‘ignore him, enjoy the silence, get on with your life’ but I used to get this knot of fear in my stomach, I’d have diarrhoea etc because I was so unsettled until he spoke to me again.

i was going to leave when DD left home as I just couldn’t bear the thought of it just being us at home but then he was suddenly really unwell and as he recovered his personality literally changed. That was years ago now and he hasn’t done it since and we are so much happier. However I don’t think his relationship with DD will ever fully recover.

Sorry OP just wanted to send solidarity. Its horrible.

Do you actually want to leave though? If you do, please contact Womens Refuge and CAB or could you move in with your daughter, even if only for a break from him and to make him wake the hell up?

Other posters are correct that this is a form of abuse.
Until you decide what you want to do, please do recognise that he's using this as a tool to control you and you don't deserve that. So pay him back in kind.
Completely ignore him, if you HAVE to respond to him then keep a polite tone but as brief as possible and then continue to ignore him.

I had someone who used to give me the silent treatment and this tactic worked for me - it gave me my confidence back and control and it also terrified him because he realised that he couldn't control me anymore.
The crucial part was remaining polite with no raised voice because then he couldn't even begin to pin the blame for the argument on me plus it gave the impression that I didn't care anymore what he did.
I won't lie, at first I was literally screaming and raging inside but I promise you, that those feelings fade as you gain more control.

Make sure he sees/hears you being happy when you're engaging with others (even if it's an act at first).

It's a horrible form of control he's using on you - you can and will get your confidence back.

If you can’t leave, ignore his behaviour, don’t try to talk to him, just carry on with your life like he isn’t even there.