Should I challenge a date who hid having a girlfriend and lied about open relationship?

[ByRoseSnake]

As title states, feeling like a total mug.
I met who seemed a fantastic, legit guy on a dating app and had one date where we chatted all evening, made out but no further intimacy. Lots of chemistry, but he seemed hesitant - I chalked this up to not rushing things, respect etc.

Fast forward to the following week, we met up and late into the evening did get very intimate. But alarm bells started ringing when I could hear his phone vibrating with missed calls, which led him to eventually take the call - but in a separate room far from earshot.

He could sense that I was curious and then asked me, "you know I'm trying out an open relationship with my girlfriend, right?"
It had been his gf on the phone and NO I did not know this - it was never mentioned anywhere. Not on his dating app, not in person. I had no proof.

I decided to not make a scene, but I instantly felt he was cheating and also upset that I had been lied to by ommission - especially after having just had sex. Before I had a chance to challenge him, he said his gf maybe wasn't feeling 100% comfortable with trying out an 'open relationship' anymore and maybe it would be best to leave things between us. I shrugged it off, assuming that was that, lesson learnt etc. Didn't actually know whether to believe him.

3 days later, he contacts me again with flirty messages... yes, I know I can block (although I have a fear of that, after a nasty experience with someone and a second phone), yes I can ignore him, no I wouldn't attempt to track down his gf - but I am just so angry he's assumed I bought this story about an open relationship and will probably gain the confidence to string along another person on a dating app again, for as long as he can, under the premise of 'open relationship'.

It's probably totally useless, but I can't decide whether to challenge him on this - not to pick a fight, but maybe just to rattle him a bit I.e. make it clear that women aren't buying the open relationship story and don't appreciate deception? Probably won't achieve anything...

Maybe best not to get involved further?
Ugh. Disappointing as he seemed so promising. I'm just a bit grumbly about it :(

(Caveats:

• If they're genuinely trying an open relationship, then they're definitely not communicating or providing transparency that well!
• I am not against open relationships or ethical non-monogamy, done properly and with transparency, but this smelt fishy... Couples typically state very clearly on apps if this if their thing and post photos of themselves together.)

Just tell him to fuck off and block him. God what a crap player. Couldn't make two dates.

Basically this

Haven’t read your post, only the title.
Dump him. Don’t waste any energy on him.

Don't challenge him. It presumes that you've got some kind of influence over him and your words will change his behaviour, which they won't. To be on a dating app posing as a single man and having sex with women, and then implying it's their issue that they didn't "know" he had a girlfriend, he's got a screw loose.

I decided to not make a scene

That was the point at which to challenge him, don't silence yourself to keep other people comfortable, especially in this situation.

I wonder why he took the call?

He'd hardly finished sex with you and he had to answer a call?

Why?

Most people would ignore their phone. Or check the number, not answer and tell you it wasn't urgent- and get back into bed!

UNLESS 'she' was expecting to find him at home (if they live together) or she'd gone round to his place and he wasn't there.

So when he called her, did he say 'Sorry love, you know we agreed on an open relationship. I'm in bed with Rose, and if you'll excuse me, I'm busy.'

I wonder why he took the call?

Excuse to leave?

Since we're being honest, I should also tell you that I have gonorrhoea.
Then block.😈

They had unprotected sex?

I think that poster was joking.

Raise your standards @ByRoseSnake

you’re not someone’s fucking sex fantasy experiment!

he lied to you.

he knew exactly what he was doing, and with the quantity of missed calls - probably from his poor sod of a partner- SHE isn’t driving this Open Relationship thing.

he just wants “permission” to cheat.

he could be a controlling abusive wanker too, he sounds a lot like my ex.

know your worth and don’t ever fucking forget it

I bet his girlfriend doesn’t know. I’d be getting in touch with her to tell her.

I like this.

And just how exactly do you think OP knows who she is and how to contact her?

"If he is indeed a cheat, he's not the most cunning of cheats"

IF?? He most definitely is a cheat.

We had actually had sex twice already and were just chatting, maybe gearing up for more, but then he panicked when he had another call, couldn't conceal it from me, and also realised that it was suddenly 1am - I'm guessing it was her asking "where the eff are you, why are you not home" or something similar.

I definitely didn't overhear anything that referenced him being with me, or an open relationship.

He then came back from the other room and said quite sheepishly said, "yeah, that was my gf. She's just checking I'm OK" and 'reminded' me about this fantastical open relationship.

Other posters are correct - I should have challenged him then and there rather than just letting it slide. Then he rushed off home.

You got intimate with someone you didn’t really know and it turned out you didn’t really know him. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.

It's easy to say but you are spending a huge amount of time on this.

It doesn't matter what his circs were/ are.

He was not a nice man. End of. Move on.

It's not your job to try to tell him how to live his life and call him out.
You come over as wanting to reprimand him. Well, fair enough but you will only make yourself look overinvested and he may simply tell you to fuck off- then you will hate him even more.

He knows he did wrong. He doesn't need you telling him.

The best thing you can do is try to suss men out a bit more before having sex if you're upset he was cheating.

poor you op you have a right to feel hurt and used he’s clearly an immoral bad guy.
there is no way to prevent this happening on online dating sadly, the only way to reduce the chance is to wait quite a bit longer and meet friends etc before intimacy (as they’d give up before it happens) if the sex part is what makes you feel used.
you can also post him on the ‘are we dating the saw guy’ facebook group anonymously if you feel you have to do something, to warn other women.

Another thing you can do is send him a para telling him whata snakey coward he is, but tbh it’s not
worth your energy - he’ll just say ‘well you never asked me if o had a gf it’s 2026 you shouldn’t assume someone’s relationship status if it was that important you should have said’

OP you are quite clearly desperate to contact this chap who is patently uninterested or just a sketchy player.

It is sad you even need to be advised….
move on and forget about him. Obviously

I think every woman on the planet has been on the receiving end of lies by a man at some point in their life.

You're upset OP because you were lied to. And you're regretting not saying more at the time. Again, we've all been there!

There is no point fretting endlessly over this or considering giving him a 'talking to'. Won't change his behaviour and it may even boost his ego to know you're that bothered.

You can only learn from what's happened. Either don't sleep with a man so soon if you know nothing about him (and what's on his dating profile is not always honest) or accept this kind of outcome sometimes.

Easy for men to cheat their wives if single women put out on the second date.

"Put out"

Double standards, hey? I wasn't aware this was an archaic world in which we're letting deceptive, cheating men off the hook because a sexually free woman had a couple of dates with what felt full of chemistry, good conversation and intentions.

My life has not been ruined - only ego a little bruised and curious about explanations.

I'll take the advice from other posters. no more contact. Lessons learnt, line under the sand, won't overinvest, won't assume men on dating apps are single anymore, challenge them earlier if needs be 🤷‍♀️

But I don't think any woman should be suggested that she's "putting out"...

Get back into your jar of formaldehyde.

Great response! 👏

Of course, it's easier to blame the single woman rather than the attached man.