Page 2 | Struggling after sudden break-up with a man I cared about

Clmtrrto · 2026-08-16T12:17:21+00:00

Guy I was seeing totally pulled the rug from underneath me and ended our relationship on Monday after a beautiful weekend and I am struggling. He has a lot of childhood trauma and long story short, felt he would end up hurting me long term and wants to protect me, my son and himself (he was specific and we spoke at length). He has been in therapy for a few months. He is very self aware but clearly fearful/avoidant and knows himself. I cannot get my head around it and the emotional whiplash I feel is incredible. I did not see it coming. It was agonising for us both. I could see he was so conflicted and he had nothing but praise for me. I miss him so much and hate being at home alone - hes the only man to have been in my home. I have a 2 year old and finding it difficult to be present all the time the past week. Difficulty concentrating at work. Difficult going anywhere we went together, listening to music, talking to anyone. No one is him. I just miss him intensely. First man I have been with who treated me well, who I felt totally accepted by, myself, supported by and had a real authentic, natural connection with. He is 38, I am 31. He wants the door open as he doesnt want to totally lose me but I cant. He respected it. Its been a couple of days no contact and I am starting to feel it. Is it likely he is thinking about me too?

donotknowhowtofeel · 16/08/2026 15:58

He sounds too far up himself to be the person you need him to be for you and for your son, so bid adieu with enthusiasm. My DP told me in the first few weeks that if my DC were not my priority to me, he would think less of me. That is the only kind of man a single mum should contemplate going out with, not one who is is navel-gazing about competing with a two-year old!

moderate · 16/08/2026 16:11

Not sure why everyone is giving this man such a hard time for being aware of his own self-centeredness and communicating it clearly.

Chaarlene · 16/08/2026 16:13

Also in the background of my mind is my therapist telling me I should be dating (not that I am)

Marycontrarygarden · 16/08/2026 16:15

He's jealous of your child. Run away.

Hatty65 · 16/08/2026 16:20

Sounds exactly like the last thread where the OP had given her all to a man for 6 weeks and then he'd decided that he wanted a fully 'emeshed' relationship with her where she devoted herself utterly to him, and she had a small child.

This is another dickhead who is all about himself. Which is fine. Be like that, don't date single mums and look for someone who thinks of nothing but you.

But for God's sake woman - stay away from pricks like this one. And stop feeling shit because you don't meet his ridiculous and needy standards for a relationship. He sounds as mature as your toddler is.

Justaquestionplease · 16/08/2026 16:27

Time is a great healer

Smallestshadow · 16/08/2026 16:42

That’s a lot of waffle to say he wants a woman with no children (or who doesn’t prioritise them), but he wants to keep in contact in case he doesn’t find someone “better” (in his eyes).

MarilynMerlot · 16/08/2026 17:04

Man centers himself, more on this story as it breaks.

youngwhippersnapper · 16/08/2026 17:11

He sounds awful.
Such self obsession. Nothing to miss there.

AcquadiP · 16/08/2026 17:42

Clmtrrto · 16/08/2026 13:22

This was his final message:

So one of the most emotionally traumatic I’ve ever been through was not getting closure after my last relationship. It was truly awful. So I’m going to share as much as I can to try and help give you that - feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.
I think the feeling of uncertainty and worry mainly comes from wanting -what I think is- an unfair amount of attention and focus, which I think you have to give to [name redacted], so I feel it would be unfair to ask. I appreciate you don’t agree and would make space, but I’ve seen how much of a focus he is for you, and I feel bad for even thinking the way I do - it’s not fair on you. I don’t even think it’s something you’d be aware of day to day or moment to moment, it would just be the fact there’s someone more important than me at all times, which sounds like such a weak and petty thing, but I think it’s how I’d feel going forwards, wanting to be your number one but knowing I couldn’t be. Perhaps I’m not mature enough to deal with it, or maybe it’s from childhood traumas and not feeling it as a kid - I did touch on this in therapy, like I reach a lot, like I’m searching/yearning for connection, perhaps why I’m so affectionate. And I’m so needy that I foresee issues - I sound like a child, but I think it’s true.
I do also feel a strong sense of responsibility, and I think the whole 6 months down the line in ,and it potentially not working, as that’s a whole new variable to have to figure out, and the fact that I obviously don’t have a kid, so have no idea what that looks or feels like or what might or might not be expected of me, feels like a lot of risk, and I don’t like the idea of then being like ‘cool yeah not working for me bye’, that would be awful, and it leaves me feeling like it’s just so risky. This is less of an issue than the first thing, but certainly weighs on me as I’m not sure if I’m acting responsibly here. Which is why I came to you as soon as I could grasp that I had doubt, as I don’t want to be irresponsible with you or your son. I guess this is me protecting myself too? Perhaps subconsciously, but at the forefront I feel I’m protecting you from my ambiguity. I believe I should feel more certain, and it’s not fair, especially when there’s a kid involved, and your time is more limited and precious than mine, to take a significant amount of risk. Also in the background of my mind is my therapist telling me I should be dating (not that I am) and that I get into relationships too early, but again not really the reason for me thinking it’s a bad idea to continue. I just think, for whatever reason, you deserve someone more sure.
I really enjoy my time with you too, and care about you a lot - which is why I don’t want to just walk away and never speak to you again.
But of course I understand what you’re saying, and that it’s not fair to you to just try and be friends. I respect that fully. I just wish it wasn’t the case. I think that’s why I’m saying that if you’re ever open to being in contact, I’m here, and that won’t change.

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His tedious, long-winded, self-absorbed word -salad can be summed up in just one sentence:

"It would just be the fact there’s someone more important than me."

Yes, he's your son and he's only two. Ofcourse he's more important.

I suspect this stings because you've been in the honeymoon phase and everything was perfect. But now this man-child is telling you exactly who he is. Believe him.

qkhq · 16/08/2026 17:46

His message is a load of navel gazing bollocks. You are better off without this immature idiot. Cut him off, try your best to get past this relationship and focus all the energy you have on your little boy who loves you. Not this stupid man who doesn't know his arse from his elbow, or anything about life.

BeEagerRubyBird · 16/08/2026 18:10

donotknowhowtofeel · 16/08/2026 15:58

He sounds too far up himself to be the person you need him to be for you and for your son, so bid adieu with enthusiasm. My DP told me in the first few weeks that if my DC were not my priority to me, he would think less of me. That is the only kind of man a single mum should contemplate going out with, not one who is is navel-gazing about competing with a two-year old!

100 percent this. OP, you've really dodged a bullet here!

PetulaGordeno · 16/08/2026 18:13

Therapist don’t give advice.
What a load of old shit. I’ve read War & Peace and it was easier to read than that self-obsessed tripe.
I’d rather find my other half in bed with a barmaid than read drivel like that.
I have childhood trauma and I’ve had therapy and not once have I ever delivered such a load of crap to another person.
Your child deserves better.
And he’s 38 isn’t he cute?
Of course what he really wants is regular sex and then to leave you to be a mum.
Stay non contact and then stay on your own for a while.
Better that than listening to this drivel.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2026 18:22

Did you date for 6 months or 6 weeks as others are saying they remember? Either way, too intense, I hope he hadn’t met your son, he’s a massive naval gazer and he shouldn’t date anyone who’s got a child.

Break ups suck but you’re better off out of this one. The therapy speak nonsense that’s creeping into more and more conversations between people is such a waste of energy and words. So many pointless words!

You'll feel better in time. Next time you meet someone be on the look out for the type of rubbish he’s not doubt been spouting the whole time. It’s not maturity or self awareness, it’s just daft.

Ilovelurchers · 16/08/2026 18:22

I'm amazed that you can still remain attracted to this man after he sent that absolute self-indulgent drivel - he is finding 100 different ways here to tell you he can't cope with a relationship with a woman who has a child.
(Hope he's not planning to have his own kids in the future!). And he misuses the word "trauma" in a way that's offensive to anyone who has suffered a genuinely traumatic event. He sounds spineless, whiny, needy and pathetic to be quite honest.

You and your son deserve SO much more. How long were you together?

Original poster

Clmtrrto · 16/08/2026 18:49

Ilovelurchers · 16/08/2026 18:22

I'm amazed that you can still remain attracted to this man after he sent that absolute self-indulgent drivel - he is finding 100 different ways here to tell you he can't cope with a relationship with a woman who has a child.
(Hope he's not planning to have his own kids in the future!). And he misuses the word "trauma" in a way that's offensive to anyone who has suffered a genuinely traumatic event. He sounds spineless, whiny, needy and pathetic to be quite honest.

You and your son deserve SO much more. How long were you together?

He grew up with an abusive and violent alcoholic father, which is why he is in therapy, plus his 2 brothers

OP posts:

PetulaGordeno · 16/08/2026 20:12

You can feel empathy for his childhood. That can require therapy.
But that doesn’t mean handing out shitty behaviour dressed up as therapy speak.
Actually, growing through therapy would enable him to say clearly I really care for you but I’m not cut out for a relationship with a young child.
That is it.

VoltaireMittyDream · 16/08/2026 20:37

Clmtrrto · 16/08/2026 18:49

He grew up with an abusive and violent alcoholic father, which is why he is in therapy, plus his 2 brothers

Show quote history

Plenty of people grew up with trauma and didn’t become whiny self-centred fuckboys as a result.

Honestly, you don’t need this in your life. If it’s a project you’re after, take up carpentry.

FunPartyIdeas · 16/08/2026 20:46

I had two sons (about 6 and 9) when I met my now husband - he had no children. I made it very clear to him from the beginning that my children would always be my priority and I made no apologies for that. A lesser man would have ran a mile, but my no-compromise position encouraged a good one to respect my steadfastness.

Trivialpursuits · 16/08/2026 20:51

Honest to god what a load of shite to say he doesn’t want ti date anyone with a child.

FunPartyIdeas · 16/08/2026 21:37

@Trivialpursuits He can absolutely say that - I did!
But then don't date someone with a child!!

Coffeislife · 16/08/2026 21:53

Many many many of us grew up in toxic environments, even with worse then him. His past plus this message makes him a giant giant red flag. It is unanimous, you're already love bombed enough to be obsessed, cut him out your life or you absolutely will regret it.

whippersnapper55 · 17/08/2026 01:03

Clmtrrto · 16/08/2026 13:22

This was his final message:

So one of the most emotionally traumatic I’ve ever been through was not getting closure after my last relationship. It was truly awful. So I’m going to share as much as I can to try and help give you that - feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.
I think the feeling of uncertainty and worry mainly comes from wanting -what I think is- an unfair amount of attention and focus, which I think you have to give to [name redacted], so I feel it would be unfair to ask. I appreciate you don’t agree and would make space, but I’ve seen how much of a focus he is for you, and I feel bad for even thinking the way I do - it’s not fair on you. I don’t even think it’s something you’d be aware of day to day or moment to moment, it would just be the fact there’s someone more important than me at all times, which sounds like such a weak and petty thing, but I think it’s how I’d feel going forwards, wanting to be your number one but knowing I couldn’t be. Perhaps I’m not mature enough to deal with it, or maybe it’s from childhood traumas and not feeling it as a kid - I did touch on this in therapy, like I reach a lot, like I’m searching/yearning for connection, perhaps why I’m so affectionate. And I’m so needy that I foresee issues - I sound like a child, but I think it’s true.
I do also feel a strong sense of responsibility, and I think the whole 6 months down the line in ,and it potentially not working, as that’s a whole new variable to have to figure out, and the fact that I obviously don’t have a kid, so have no idea what that looks or feels like or what might or might not be expected of me, feels like a lot of risk, and I don’t like the idea of then being like ‘cool yeah not working for me bye’, that would be awful, and it leaves me feeling like it’s just so risky. This is less of an issue than the first thing, but certainly weighs on me as I’m not sure if I’m acting responsibly here. Which is why I came to you as soon as I could grasp that I had doubt, as I don’t want to be irresponsible with you or your son. I guess this is me protecting myself too? Perhaps subconsciously, but at the forefront I feel I’m protecting you from my ambiguity. I believe I should feel more certain, and it’s not fair, especially when there’s a kid involved, and your time is more limited and precious than mine, to take a significant amount of risk. Also in the background of my mind is my therapist telling me I should be dating (not that I am) and that I get into relationships too early, but again not really the reason for me thinking it’s a bad idea to continue. I just think, for whatever reason, you deserve someone more sure.
I really enjoy my time with you too, and care about you a lot - which is why I don’t want to just walk away and never speak to you again.
But of course I understand what you’re saying, and that it’s not fair to you to just try and be friends. I respect that fully. I just wish it wasn’t the case. I think that’s why I’m saying that if you’re ever open to being in contact, I’m here, and that won’t change.

Show quote history

Honestly, he sounds like a massive self-involved pain in the arse 🙄 he doesn't want to be 2nd place to your very young child, that's the bottom line. He's not the one for you. He's a needy man-baby.

Block all contact and don't allow yourself to wonder if he's missing you etc - it doesn't matter, it's over and what he's thinking is no longer your business.

Keep busy, keep telling yourself that this happened for a reason - he is not the one for you. Give yourself time but don't allow yourself to wallow. See friends, exercise, get outside in the fresh air and walk and breathe. You have one life - don't waste it mooning over someone who doesn't want to be with you!

FlorenceLawrence · 17/08/2026 01:40

Oh god OP don't break your heart on him! What an awful, self-centred load of waffle. I'm sure it felt v intense, heartfelt and special at the time, but it wasn't real. This is a whiny, needy man who can't cope with you caring for a child. He needs it to be all about him.
Be glad you're free.

ThisMauveTurtle · 17/08/2026 03:28

You are well rid..
Your child is only two.
Take a break from dating.
The last thing any woman needs is a man with such emotional problems.
He needs to stay single.
I'd imagine it's hard enough for him to look after himself much less anybody else.