Struggling after sudden break-up with a man I cared about

[Clmtrrto]

Guy I was seeing totally pulled the rug from underneath me and ended our relationship on Monday after a beautiful weekend and I am struggling.

He has a lot of childhood trauma and long story short, felt he would end up hurting me long term and wants to protect me, my son and himself (he was specific and we spoke at length). He has been in therapy for a few months. He is very self aware but clearly fearful/avoidant and knows himself.

I cannot get my head around it and the emotional whiplash I feel is incredible. I did not see it coming. It was agonising for us both. I could see he was so conflicted and he had nothing but praise for me.

I miss him so much and hate being at home alone - hes the only man to have been in my home. I have a 2 year old and finding it difficult to be present all the time the past week. Difficulty concentrating at work. Difficult going anywhere we went together, listening to music, talking to anyone. No one is him.

I just miss him intensely. First man I have been with who treated me well, who I felt totally accepted by, myself, supported by and had a real authentic, natural connection with.

He is 38, I am 31. He wants the door open as he doesnt want to totally lose me but I cant. He respected it. Its been a couple of days no contact and I am starting to feel it.

Is it likely he is thinking about me too?

Why and in what sense did he think he would hurt you?

Was that the real reason he broke things off or an excuse?

I went through this over a year ago OP. First of all, look after yourself. Cry and scream if you need to. Talk with friends and maybe a therapist if you need.

but I would tell you to find your anger in how you’ve been treated if it really was a blindside. It’s all well and good saying it eas ‘agonising for us both’ but I really doubt it was as painful for him. You’re the one it’s inflicted on. Think not of his feelings a moment longer (which I know is hard) and focus on one foot in front of the other right now.

This was his final message:

So one of the most emotionally traumatic I’ve ever been through was not getting closure after my last relationship. It was truly awful. So I’m going to share as much as I can to try and help give you that - feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.
I think the feeling of uncertainty and worry mainly comes from wanting -what I think is- an unfair amount of attention and focus, which I think you have to give to [name redacted], so I feel it would be unfair to ask. I appreciate you don’t agree and would make space, but I’ve seen how much of a focus he is for you, and I feel bad for even thinking the way I do - it’s not fair on you. I don’t even think it’s something you’d be aware of day to day or moment to moment, it would just be the fact there’s someone more important than me at all times, which sounds like such a weak and petty thing, but I think it’s how I’d feel going forwards, wanting to be your number one but knowing I couldn’t be. Perhaps I’m not mature enough to deal with it, or maybe it’s from childhood traumas and not feeling it as a kid - I did touch on this in therapy, like I reach a lot, like I’m searching/yearning for connection, perhaps why I’m so affectionate. And I’m so needy that I foresee issues - I sound like a child, but I think it’s true.
I do also feel a strong sense of responsibility, and I think the whole 6 months down the line in ,and it potentially not working, as that’s a whole new variable to have to figure out, and the fact that I obviously don’t have a kid, so have no idea what that looks or feels like or what might or might not be expected of me, feels like a lot of risk, and I don’t like the idea of then being like ‘cool yeah not working for me bye’, that would be awful, and it leaves me feeling like it’s just so risky. This is less of an issue than the first thing, but certainly weighs on me as I’m not sure if I’m acting responsibly here. Which is why I came to you as soon as I could grasp that I had doubt, as I don’t want to be irresponsible with you or your son. I guess this is me protecting myself too? Perhaps subconsciously, but at the forefront I feel I’m protecting you from my ambiguity. I believe I should feel more certain, and it’s not fair, especially when there’s a kid involved, and your time is more limited and precious than mine, to take a significant amount of risk. Also in the background of my mind is my therapist telling me I should be dating (not that I am) and that I get into relationships too early, but again not really the reason for me thinking it’s a bad idea to continue. I just think, for whatever reason, you deserve someone more sure.
I really enjoy my time with you too, and care about you a lot - which is why I don’t want to just walk away and never speak to you again.
But of course I understand what you’re saying, and that it’s not fair to you to just try and be friends. I respect that fully. I just wish it wasn’t the case. I think that’s why I’m saying that if you’re ever open to being in contact, I’m here, and that won’t change.

Did you post about this before? The super intense 6-week relationship with the troubled man who couldn’t cope with not being your top priority (i.e. didn’t want a kid in his life)?

This dude is a bin fire, and you have dodged a bullet.

Work on yourself before dating and dragging your DC into intense relationships with unstable people.

There's a lot of "I" in that message. He's dressed up self interest in nice words. He's right about your attention needing to be on your son but the waffle boils down to he's out because he can't cope with it.

Essentially you're better off without him.

Reported that last post.

As for you OP, you are well rid and well done for making sure that door's closed fully. It would do you absolutely no good to keep in touch and even asking if he's thinking of you now is too much to still be engaging with him. You have a 2yo to engage with and you don't need a man at this point really. See your friends and family, if they're supportive and good for you. This man's problems are the last thing you need, and it shouldn't really be whiplash for such a short relationship to end. Maybe you need to do more work on your boundaries so you don't fall so fast in future.

Hi OP, that's a lot of words to say two things; he is worried you might dump him, and, he is feeling very ambivalent about you and the relationship and can't cope with there being a kid as he wants all the attention. Couching this in so called self aware therapy speak doesn't make it nice and I echo other posters, he sounds very immature and selfish and you have dodged a bullet. Try not to take is a sign of your failing, he alludes to having this pattern so he's just faffing around messing about with people and then ditching them. You deserve better and you will feel better soon, I promise.

How would you feel if he had cheated on you and explained by saying he had discussed it all with his therapist and it's all related to his childhood trauma blah blah blah. Doesn't really change anything does it? And I wouldn't get caught up in any narrative about too scared to commit and just needs a little time etc. Fuck that. That's just a modern day way of saying he's out or he wants something casual with no commitment.

He sounds a right twat to me. Better off without him.

Cripes......RUN - why on earth would you want to be with someone who's playing you like a fiddle? So many red flags...

Too needy. Wouldn’t like that he can’t be the main character in your life. Better off out of it. Plus that message would’ve put the top hat on it for me. Too much waffle about himself.

He is a person who puts himself first and always will be. He walks like a man, talks like a man, snd love bombs like a champion but inside he is weak, frightened, needy, greedy, and selfish so he can’t be in an adult relationship. He can act like it—like an actor on stage—but he can’t be it for longer than an single performance.

You bought the ticket to the matinee and you saw a handsome prince on stage but he’s telling you that he isn’t that person in real life. Don’t try to hang around the stage door snd take him home.

Sounds very familiar to that thread.

OP run a mile. This man is giving you a word salad of nonsense.

Essentially “I don’t want to play second fiddle to a kid and want all of your time and attention, I’m referring to my therapy and trauma so that I can keep you feeling sorry for me, so that in the future when I decide to reel you back in, and then act like a dick again, I can turn the tables on you and say “but I told you I wasn’t in the right place for a relationship” “

Ive been there, dating when you have young kids is not easy logistically, so you need someone who brings joy and peace into your life, this man isn’t it.

If that's your dcs name then edit that part out to protect from outing yourself.
Apart from that, its bad enough someone being that needy generally, let alone when you have a dc to consider. Your now ex dp should stay that way. Why have a manchild in your life? He will never fully understand that your dc needs to come first. He seems to by his text but the actual fact that he's splitting from you because of the lack not him being number 1 tells you everything. Actions speak louder than words.
Don't stay friends, he'll just creep back into your life as a relationship.
Find yourself a mature adult.Lucky escape.

Oh sweetie he’s not said whay you think he’s said.

hes said he doesn’t want to be with you as you’ve a kid and he wants to have fun dating other women.

im sorry it’s a lot of waffle for a man who simply doesn’t wish a serious relationship at this point.

Just sounds to me like he wants to be someone's number one all the time ie not date someone with a child. That's what I get from all that anyway

He’s also trying to blame you and his therapist. It’s such an embarassing messsage, he’s also written it like you’ve go be pitied. As he knows you’re big into him.

honesltu uou just dodged a bullet.

Good grief ! that was a very very very long last message, mainly all about him too.

So it's over, concentrate on your son for now he is only 2 ! very young and one day you will meet someone else

keep on prioritising your young child tho.

All the word salad means you have a kid and he wants all of someone's attention. Like all.

You may not feel like it now but you really have dodged a bullet here. He doesn't sound like relationship material.

Concentrate on your son and get out and do things with him.

He's jealous of your son.

“pikkumyy77 · Today 14:01
He is a person who puts himself first and always will be. He walks like a man, talks like a man, snd love bombs like a champion but inside he is weak, frightened, needy, greedy, and selfish so he can’t be in an adult relationship. He can act like it—like an actor on stage—but he can’t be it for longer than an single performance.
You bought the ticket to the matinee and you saw a handsome prince on stage but he’s telling you that he isn’t that person in real life. Don’t try to hang around the stage door snd take him home.”

Beautifully put by @pikkumyy77 - this with bells on.

That's an awful lot of self-absorbed word salad he came out with. You really don't want to be in any kind of relationship with a man who is struggling to deal with that much emotional baggage.

You were not put on this earth to be his saviour.

Put your child's needs first and let this man go.

Also, to add… there are a big chunk of men out there who believe that single Mums should feel grateful that they choose to date us, and as such they are the prize and can behave as they please! I’ve seen it first hand and you only have to see some of the manosphere rhetoric that is spread online when single Mums are mentioned.

HE should be feeling lucky that HE was every deserving of your limited time, respect you for being a Mum who puts your child first and do everything he can to earn a place in your life.

When a man says he can’t give you what you want. Listen. Cos he won’t.
I’m not buying this at all, I’m sensing keeping the door open for friends with benefits.