Terrible Incident

[Demoon]

Sorry for the namechange. Have a friend on MN.

Me and DH were having an argument last night about money (as usual), he grabbed my shirt and pushed me against the wall. DD (14) saw him and told him to leave me alone, he shouted at her to get out and to stop interefering so she told him that if he didn't let go of me she'd make him let go. He shouted at her again and so she kicked him in the head. He staggered away holding the side of his head and she said it was his own fault. Afterwards he said he wants her to live with her dad and that he really doesn't like her.

Obviously I'd never ask her to leave us, and I told him so. This morning he apologised and said he didn't mean it but she is out of control and needs some discipline.

Now the way I feel I want to leave. Sorry, just needed to offload

So sorry to hear this D. Has he done this before?

It's clear your DD wanted to protect you, but IMO physically attacking people is out of order. She's kinda 'copying' what he did to you.

You need to get him out, not your DD who was defending you against a violent assault. He sounds like a woman-hating bully who expects complete subservience from both her and you - and I imagine his idea of 'discipline' will involve beating her.
Get rid of him.

My instant reaction is that your dd was entirely justified. wtf was your dh doing, shoving you against a wall? Sounds as though he should apologise to you both, then she should apologise to him. But he needs to keep his temper in check.

I disagree.
She saw domestic violence between your DH and you. She saw him attack you, essentially, and acted to stop him. He then blames her for interfering and being out of control. ALARMS RINGING Violent man, physically abusive, emotionally abusive towards your DD (telling you he doesn't like her and wants her to leave)
Sorry, but for the sake of your DD you need to make him leave. If he feels this way about her I can't see it getting better, and it will FUCK your daughter up.

Have to second madamez though: he sounds unhealthy and it's certainly not a good role model for DD to have around. Poor her if he catches her alone [shudders]

she is out of control? er no he is the one out of control.

maybe what he means is that she is out of his control as she didn't back down even in the face of violence. Good on her.

attacking someone might not usually be the preferred course of action but as far as I see it she was just defending her mother.

Your choice obviously but personally I would get rid. of him.

OMG I am so sorry. Part of me is proud of her for standing up to him for you but obviously not kicking him in the head.

I agree with madamez - it's him that needs to go and he can't expect anything but violent behaviour from a child that is witnessing violence.

Talk to DD though about it though and make sure she knows that you appreciate her sticking up for you - sounds like it might have been pretty frightening for her too.

He has apologised for saying your DD has to leave, but what has he said about what he did to you?

He was violent to you and she defended you, (ok, maybe quite harshly). But he hasn't addressed the fact that his violence started this whole incident.

What Kat said - your DH's dislike of your daughter will be very apparent to her and it will badly mess her up if she thinks that you consider him more important than her. I'm sorry but I really think the only answer is to throw him out, he is violent and horrible by the sounds of your OP and you need to protect your child(ren) from him.

The DH is the problem.

If my children saw my husband grabbing me and pushing me up against a wall, and then telling the children to get out and stop interfering, I expect they would get physical too.

You DD was protecting you.

If anyone needs to leave, it certainly shouldn't be the child that was trying to help you.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate a man who admitted he didn't like one of my children.

Your first priority is to protect your child, imo.

She deserves to be safe in her own home, and not around a volatile man that has already said he doesn't like her.

Your partner and your daughter were both in the wrong but he is an adult and she is a child. You need to tell her you are proud of her for defending you but she was wrong to physically attack him. How on earth did she manage to kick him in the head? Is he small and she tall?

You will have to make it clear to him that she is not going anywhere and if he can't apologise to both of you and make damn sure this never happens again, he has to leave. If indeed you want to stay with him after this and will not put up with it a second time.

I missed the bit about he doesn't really like her.

Deal breaker for me, he would be gone immediately.

Who's control is she out of though (apologies for the questionable grammar). Sounds to me as if he dislikes the fact that he can't control her.

Well done to your daughter, if i was you id be very proud that your daughter clearly loves and respects you enough to defend you against a grown man. However, i am a bit concerned that this man is wanting you to boot out your own daughter, its her home before his and if he doesnt like it then he should go, how dare he say that, and tbh by the sounds of his behaviour you should boot him out anyway. Has he been violent before?

Sorry, haven't read all the replies, but my feeling is that your DD protected you and should be thanked.

No, it's not right, but she's just seen her mum being threatened. She gave a warning that wasn't heeded.

Sounds like a level headed kid who can protect herself.

OrmIrian is right: He is scared because he can't control her. He is (like most abusers) trying to turn this round to being her fault. It's not, Don't let him do that.

Agree with the others. In all of this, it seems that your DH's completely unacceptable behaviour has been forgotten in all of the attention that he is now placing on DH. He is managing to squirm out of taking responsibility for his actions nicely, isn't he? Don't let him manipulate you into focusing on your daughter as being the problem, because then you take your eyes of the ball and forget what the 'real' problem is - the initial incident (His unacceptable behaviour).
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
HTH

Your DD is very brave and I hope you are very proud of her. By turning it on her he is being manipulative. Please think things through and consider leaving/asking him to leave.

alarm bells big time. your partner wants you to send your child away to live with someone else because he doesnt like her. at the most vulnerable age in a girls life. when her opinions about relationships and men are really being formed? I would shake your daughters hand. she stood up for you and that takes real guts. lashing out is wrong but he did it first and if someone hit my mother i would kill them. and i am twenty six. its hard but make him leave. he sounds like poison.

He assaulted you and she defended you (OK, the kick in the head was probably disproportionate, but the principle still applies). She isn't out of control at all and I would be proud of her (unless there is a lot more to this story).

sorry, that dosen't really help you

Yeah, give your dd a big hug, she sounds like a strong girl

This man asaulted you and doesn't like your daughter. Get rid of him.

I hope you and DD are feeling better now.

Your dd was fully entitled to use reasonable force to defend you against an assault. She is to be commended. And you should make that clear to her by chucking this violent, bullying, controlling man out.

She is not out of control, he is.