Who would you save?

[brahmsandnegroni]

Who would you save?

I am a widow aged 67 with a partner/boyfriend/whatever who is still married after14 years of separation. I love him dearly and feel grateful for my chapter 2. But he is still so involved with her and she has serious physical and mental health problems, been sectioned twice etc.

I try really hard to understand and be supportive but I asked him the other day who he would save in a crisis and he said he didn't know. I said of course you should save your daughter first as I would save my children, but I am so upset that he doesn't instinctively choose me first after that.

We have good times together and he says he loves me and I am his soulmate. A few times I have suggested parting or continuing as best friends but he just gets upset and nothing is resolved.

I know I should be grateful and mostly I am but also feel very unhappy from time to time, as I feel that he is still in love with someone else despite everything.

Why should you be grateful?

Good grief, what an odd situation.
I'd end it with him. Why are you tolerating this?

Why should you be grateful for having an affair for 14 years?
He may be separated - but he's still married and you say yourself very involved with his wife!?

I think it was a terrible question to ask anyone - let alone a man in his situation to make a choice between the women in his life..... You know what they say - Dont ask if you're not going to like the answer.

Firstly that’s an unreasonable question to ask anyone. Nobody knows how they’d react in a crisis situation, and ranking your love for people in order of who gets help in a fire or flood etc is just setting you up for disappointment when he considers eg who may need the most practical support, who is the stronger swimmer, who would be most likely to panic and need someone to calm them down to safely escape etc. If he sees you as a capable and strong person he may not instinctively feel that you need saving.

However, you’re not happy with the situation so you are allowed to walk away whether he agrees or cries or resists etc. You’ve given it long enough and he’s still entangled with the ex so let him know it’s over, not up for negotiation and walk away.

rows of red flags

It's not really that big a deal that he hasn't divorced, though you should be pushing for it, but that question should be the easiest one to answer. It's always children first, partner second, extended family after that. If he can't answer without thinking about it then I think you know where you really stand.

Yes it was a silly question to ask OP but it was obviously prompted by your instinct that his wife is more important to him than you. And actually I think you must have got the confirmation that your instincts are right.

What comes over is your undervaluing of yourself. Why should you be grateful to him? He is a married man dealing with what seems a difficult relationship with his wife by having you as the OW to provide the things that he feels is lacking in his marriage.

You are worth much more than being the third wheel in someone else's unhappy relationship.

Oh come on OP, where are your standards?

You are the OW OP. He is always going to put his wife above you. This relationship is going nowhere.

A few times I have suggested parting or continuing as best friends but he just gets upset and nothing is resolved.

You don't need his permission to end it.

My mum and dad are divorced and still pretty close (they share 6 children so you do kind of have to get along) so I think there is a healthy way to go about remaining friends/ being involved in your ex’s life… but this isn’t it. He wants to have his cake and eat it - guilt free about his wife and her issues, while getting you as well.

Why are people calling Op the OW and saying they are having an affair?? This is so obviously not the case. Her partner is separated, albeit not divorced. I lived with my now DH before I was divorced from H number 1.

I do think he needs to get a divorce now, because if there's any illness the wife will be next of kin. Also, has he got a will?! Very important if he doesn't want his house/assets going to his Ex!

Perhaps he feels she would need saving and you wouldn't?

The guy is still married - the wife has serious mental health issues, so who knows if shes aware if this is happening or not?? So yes legally speaking the OP is having an affair.

Also re the will - yes his legal wife will inheirt. The OP hasn't said if they live together or not. So if they dont live together inheritance may not be an issue here anyway.

“Legally speaking” she’s have an affair??

What legal definition of affair have you imagined exists?

AI Overview

In UK law, an "affair" is legally termed adultery. It is strictly defined as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person of the opposite sex who is not their spouse. Kissing, same-sex relationships, and emotional connections do not meet this narrow legal definition

OK so I've made the assumption that the OP's relationship with this guy is physical.... it might not be.... But he is married so if my assumption on the physical side is correct - this is an affair.

NewAgain and AI are both talking absolute arse water.

Jeez. Game-playing at that age. Move on.

Not sure how long you have been with your "partner/boyfriend/whatever" (I'm leaning towards "whatever"), but clearly it's long enough that you feel he should automatically choose you. And equally clearly, you still don't feel secure and prioritised in the relationship (because otherwise you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place). And he doesn't seem to value you more than her.

He seems to be very much still married to her, separated or not, and I think you need to assume he always will be.

I don't think he will give you the level of commitment that you want from him. What you decide to do in that situation is up to you.

This is why I would never date a married man, no matter what the “situation “

If we are solely going off the "who would you save" question - after my daughter I would save her dad, because of his importance in her life. I would expect him to say the same. (We have been separated for about 10 years, now divorced).

This is the thing - once you have kids with someone, your life is inextricably bound up with theirs forever. So be careful who you pick to have kids with, would be my advice ....

It sounds like a dead end relationship based on not very much .

We have been together for two and a half years and are deeply in love. There is no secret about the relationship and I have met her several times. I don't see this as an adulterous relationship although technically the pp is right. He is a decent man who takes this commitment seriously but it is sometimes difficult for me to deal with and actually very difficult for him to deal with. He asked me today what I wanted and I said I don't know, I respect your commitment but she is a barrier, an impediment. Money and inheritance not an issue save that I am not next of kin so would have no say regarding funeral arrangements. But does that matter? I lost my husband early, my brother to suicide at 28 and my best friend also at 28 so a bit vulnerable around loss. And I really like his daughter and she should come first as would my children.