Has anyone tried dropping the rope in one-sided relationships?

[MarilynMerlot]

I’ve heard this phrase a lot recently, and am thinking about ‘dropping the rope’ with a number of people in my life who only seem to want me when they need things or see me as some sort of emotional support animal rather than an equal individual. Has anyone dropped the rope with people in their own lives and how did it go? Did they pick up or did those relationships fade?

I’m currently there with feeling rude simply for treating someone the the way they treat me. No questions about their life, just statements. Also liberating though!!

Do you mean making no contact if you're the only one making the effort?

I've done this with a couple of friends.

A huge change in my life over a few years (partner diagnosed with a incurable terminal disease) so we've had some very hard years. I've stopped contacting a couple of very old friends, known each other for decades, who no longer reach out to me, even just to ask how he is.

I don't have the emotional energy to keep things going and I'm also disappointed in them. Even if they are too busy to meet up they could still show some care.

Times like this you really do know who your friends are.

I’ve been dealing with this at the moment. I’ve had a bereavement and the way people have (not) showed up for me has been very revealing. I’m trying to decide how to proceed.

I’m a chronic over functioner, to the point where I’ve realised it seems I’ve been single-handedly keeping some relationships going for years. Now I am attempting to match energy by not initiating, by not keeping conversations going (which often means not asking questions or providing anything other than very generic responses), and just generally being low key.

I’m struggling, honestly. Partly because it seems so prevalent and partly because my natural way of showing up in the world is with curiosity about others and the world around me. It feels really destabilising now the scales have fallen off, to see how little interest those around me have in anything other than themselves.

@LemonyCurd sorry to hear that you have suffered a bereavement

I figured out why I dislike the expression and it might be helpful to some people on this thread

It’s partly because there is no fucking rope, but also if there was one, the other person has already dropped it. It’s just we didn’t realise. Really the question is -do I keep in touch with somebody who’s lost interest in me? There isn’t a connection there - hence there is no rope to drop.

@EmeraldRoulette
It’s partly because there is no fucking rope, but also if there was one, the other person has already dropped it. It’s just we didn’t realise. Really the question is -do I keep in touch with somebody who’s lost interest in me? There isn’t a connection there - hence there is no rope to drop.

Exactly. It can be an upsetting realisation to come to, but this sums it up.

Completely agree. Do I stay in touch with someone who isn’t interested in me, but is interested in what I can do for them. It’s a hard realisation .

Yes. I’ve just done this with a one sided relationship. I did all the chasing. I went to see him. I showed up. I sent the text messages. I invited him round and he just accepted all the adoration and attention but did absolutely fuck all to invest. So two months ago I “dropped the rope.”

And I’ve not heard from him since. Not a dickybird.

It is very illuminating.

The answer is no. They are not worth your energy. People like this are takers and once you step back they lose interest because you were supplying them with what they wanted and you’ve cut off their supply. And then you realise they never gave a shiny shit about you & see them for the unpleasant, narcissistic individuals that they truly are.

And you hate them and wonder WTF you were thinking

I don't really like the concept, it feels like testing someone and that is rarely well recieved.

I do agree on matching energy though, and considering what you get from a relationship.

I have a long term friend I used to meet up with once or twice a week, he used to be great fun but it gradually turned into a counselling session where he'd dump all his negativity on me. He'd text asking how I am, if I replied with anything other than 'great, how are you' he wouldn't reply. Last time he asked how I was my pet had died, I'd had a medical emergency, a big financial issue and a family drama and I replied briefly with the details. No reply then 'how are you' a week later - he can fuck off.

Yes- I moved across the country so I accepted it was very much "on me" to make the effort to maintain friendships. I used my AL to travel back to my old city, stayed in an AirBnB and arranged to catch up with my old friends, which was so lovely. One or two friends simply couldn't be bothered, even when I tried to change arrangements to suit them (e.g meeting somewhere air conditioned as one said "it's just too hot.")

One of those friends had also declined to come to my wedding because "it's too far away." I haven't cut her out but I have completely "dropped the rope" on the friendship. She sent a message saying it was a shame we couldn't meet and could we arrange a day out in London "some time." I agreed but I won't be suggesting a date or doing any running.

I had a very old friend from school days, we don’t live near, only met annually, but chatted online fairly regularly. I realised it was always me that reached out, and that she never shared anything with me spontaneously, so I left it. Then I’d get a message saying ‘ I haven’t heard from you in ages’ … as if it was my role to initiate. And we would chat, but I realised she talked about herself a lot more than she ever responded to me. And I also realised she was boring. So , yeah, started to look at the connection rather than just keep it going made me realise that I didn’t actually enjoy her. It was quite uncomfortable to realise the situation. I don’t see her now, or message, and although there is a little gap.. I feel much healthier without the connection.

I did and as expected she faded away. I realized that she only contacted me if she needed help or an ear for her disordered life. When I started jotting down the time she called me until she asked me how I was or anything about me and often it never happened I knew it was time to back away.

Some people are oblivious or needy and don't realize relationships can't be one-sided forever. Or they have main character syndrome and don't care that they suck as a friend, I don't allow those types in my circle anymore. I keep things friendly but vague with those people.

Yup. A friend (who I actually miss terribly). I thought we were really close and would be friends forever. Messaged him around Christmas, a few messages back and forth, I suggested going out and then nothing. Messaged a couple of months later asking for a favour, was happy and bouncy and agreed to the favour then nothing. Messaged a third time inviting out in a big group and was again, happy and bouncy then nothing.

He’s had a new girlfriend since Christmas and I literally feel like a teenager whose friend doesn’t want to hang out now he has a girlfriend! It’s horrible!

I’ve now dropped the rope but am realising he probably dropped it to me months ago. Sad times.

Yes. I feel better for it. But as other posters have said, be prepared to never hear from your 'friends' again.

Yep and it’s lovely. For one I was just an unpaid counsellor. Now NC. Another I’m doing a slow fade after years of passive aggression. Do one.

Yes, I've done so, including with a couple of people who I noticed always seemed to need me to help them out in some way or other. It dawned on me that it was always me contacting them, and they'd reply in their own good time, not for a chat or to meet up or anything, but only when my services were required. Like when they wanted me to wield a paint brush in their living room, or their lawnmower had broken and can they borrow mine (better still can I cut the grass for them), or could I help them declutter their junk and take a trip to the dump. You know the kind of thing.

I stopped contacting them at all. They must have found some other sucker by now.

I don't drink alcohol (from choice) so for a long time I was happy to do the driving on social occasions - being the "designated driver" really was no big deal.
Then I needed an operation, after which I was not allowed to drive for about three months, and it was interesting, if a bit saddening, to discover which of my friends rallied round to be sociable, and which lost touch when I was a bit less useful.

Scarcity makes the thing prized. It's like at work where person a goes to every team building event going, person b never goes so when person b does go it's like a huge celebration and they are thanked as person a never is.