Has anyone tried dropping the rope in one-sided relationships?

[MarilynMerlot]

I’ve heard this phrase a lot recently, and am thinking about ‘dropping the rope’ with a number of people in my life who only seem to want me when they need things or see me as some sort of emotional support animal rather than an equal individual. Has anyone dropped the rope with people in their own lives and how did it go? Did they pick up or did those relationships fade?

Yes. I did it with an ex who at one point I was besotted with. He held me at arms length for a long time. But I loved him so much I put up with it. FWIW I think he did love me but had commitment issues.

Eventually, it affected how I felt about him and I started matching his energy. Which to begin with I think he felt was a relief. But when he realised I was pulling back, distressed him! LOL But by then it was too late. No reeling me back in was possible.

Yes

DH did it deliberately with his family. He gives them his new mobile number (he uses his work phine and it gets changed wvery decade ish) and that's it. He used to call at Christmas but dropped that too as nobody ever responded

I did with my parents. I moved, they moved and I used that as my prompt to move from low to no contact.

It has been good for both of us, very freeing

I have done it when I was younger. I used to be someone who gave a lot more into my friendships that I got out, mainly due to insecurity. I guess as I got older I wasn't so insecure so these unbalanced relationships stopped being of interest. When I stopped being the instigator, they all pretty much disappeared. Which I guess wasn't surprising because if they had been interested in contact with me, then we wouldn't have been in that position in the first place. I think it has also been done to me, but again as someone on the other side, these were relationships I wasn't so interested in keeping going. Now I generally energy-match, which I think works well in relationships and keeps things on a even footing.

Yes, in a couple of friendships. I haven't heard from them since. I am sad about it, but nothing to be done.

Yes I did this with a friend. It was always me putting in the effort so I stopped and that’s the last I heard from her 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I’ve done it twice. With the first friend, I was putting all the effort in. I was just the friend she would want to see when she wanted a night out. I reached out (as always) to arrange something. Didn’t hear anything back and left it. I’ve been waiting for a text back for 11 years 😂

The other was more painful and involved a pair of friends I’d known since secondary school. They’d cancel plans or go out without me and I’d see their nights out on Facebook! I did raise it many times and got wishy washy responses or that they’d “put in more effort”. It was usually me that organised something and if I didn’t confirm plans the day before, they didn’t happen. I stopped mentioning it and it fizzled out. I then removed them off SM and haven’t heard from them since! That was 3.5 years ago! I have to say, not being pissed off or stressed out and seeing pics of them out without me has been lovely and freeing! I haven’t looked back!

A hard learning for me has been that some people don't hate.me- in fact they may even be glad to chat if they bump into me- but they already have enough friends.
I don't have enough, but that's my problem!

I did it with my SIL. I was always the one suggesting meeting up with the kids. When we did meet up she was always late with no apologies. I couldn’t be bothered anymore so stopped trying. We only see each other at family occasions now.

I do the same thing. I match people’s energy and effort towards me and it works a treat.

One friend was always really gushing and warm to other people, for example on social media other friends would get a long, gushy, birthday message from her, whilst I would just get a blunt ‘Happy birthday’. So I started doing the same to her, being blunt in replies and speaking to her as she spoke to me and guess what? Yep I now get long gushy messages on my birthday and she is very ingratiating whenever she speaks to me.

Another friend always did things such as turning up half an hour late and thinking it was hilarious, so I started doing the same thing and she never does it now.

I’ve done this with my mum, she had me as her therapist and pa for years and we were really enmeshed. It’s sad as I know she’s just not that bothered really and I’m more angry with myself as I could and should have done it years ago. I do contact her and meet her for a coffee say every month and will take her out for a meal for her birthday and have her round at Christmas but I’m not constantly checking in with her /on her.

it’s odd, when I talk to her now it’s like talking to some old woman you may meet on the bus, well being talked at to be honest.

Yes, some 'friends' who never reciprocated or got in touch with me, always me initiating contact, meals out or at our place. Haven't heard from them in over a year and probably won't ever again. Shame.

'it’s odd, when I talk to her now it’s like talking to some old woman you may meet on the bus, well being talked at to be honest'

I feel similar about my parents. I've done so much processing and had so much therapy that I kind of see them as distant relatives rather than my parents. They're just not emotionally safe to be around much, and they don't really see or hear me. It's really sad, but it's also become weirdly ok ❤️

I had this years ago with a woman who never ever contacted me but would always be keen to meet up when we did.
Finally I asked her to arrange the meet up for the next time - she never ever did and then when I bumped into her 3-4 months later, she was really indignant I hadn’t been in contact!

I was at the point of doing this with a decades old friend but I didn't. Then my life imploded and not only did she not do anything she made it worse. So I stopped . I was very upset for a long time but now I'm not.

I've matched energy and effort with others. I got sick of putting myself out to get nothing in return. In fact others who do far, far less were thought so much more of. This is still upsetting but it's real. Whatever I thought before wasn't. My life is a lot more peaceful and I've got the bandwidth to think of me.

Oh yes they always get affronted! Some of my family would invite me as an afterthought to a big event with a day's notice then get huffy if I couldn't make it because they were so used to me moving things around or they thought I had no life.

They can get as affronted as they like. They can also rely on those who historically have never done anything for them but they care so much about and do not stop talking about!

Genuine question- why do these type of people not make an effort?
I can understand with some it’s because they aren’t bothered about meeting up, but I don’t feel that was the situation in my scenario? I suppose answering my i or en question, personal issues, depression maybe?

In my experience I think if they accept invitations or thought etc it's to keep you warm because you are useful to them. I made all sorts of excuses for one friend who suffered with depression but oddly enough she managed to invite others to places, do other stuff, she couldn't wait to be involved.

Most recently I think they just got used to me making all the effort.

Really resonate with what you say about people doing less being more highly thought of. It feels like the more effort you put in the less valuable you are.

Yeah, basically. I still bump into one person because they're part of an old circle of uni friends. I'm civil and friendly and engage with conversation if she speaks to me but never go out of my way to speak to her if we're in a shared setting and don't invite her to things I'm arranging.

I just spend my time with people who don't act like I'm an annoying idiot that has to be tolerated. She did have the AUDACITY to act disappointed when she found out she wasn't going to be my bridesmaid. 😂

The other one I just haven't spoken to or met since 2020. I messaged them one thing, then realised I was putting in far more effort than they were and stopped. Never heard from them since.

I dropped the rope with someone who now acts shifty like they think I have a massive problem. I don't, I don't want to spend my limited time being friendly and arranging things to do to someone who never reciprocates.

If they started being friendly, asked me to do things and were genuinely warm and friendly it'd be a different story.

Yes, I never saw them again.

Yep, long story but my life was turned on its head a few years ago. Was left by ex DH raising two tiny children. Previous to that in a particular friendship group I was always the one organising the get togethers, meals, nights out and weekends away. Last year it was my birthday and I spent the day and night alone (they all knew this). After that I decided I wouldn’t continue the role of chief organiser and step back.

Haven't seen any of them for a year now. One of the group has made a couple of attempts to meet up but hasn’t always been practical for me. Two weeks ago we agreed she’d come over to mine for dinner the following week (day agreed) and I heard nothing from her again.

I feel disappointed but ultimately my energy is better spent investing in myself and my kids.

I've never heard this term before, but this is essentially what I've done with all of my friends but for different reasons. One friend, I regarded as close - I was a bridesmaid for her - moved 2 hours away. I would regularly go and see and stay with her (usually when her husband was away) even tho I have anxiety and hate travelling. Then, I bumped into her in our local shopping centre and realised she had been coming home and not bothering to contact me for a coffee or whatever. I dropped the rope after that chance meeting and we have spoken once in about 10 years. With others, I dropped the rope after realising I was doing the organising, and I haven't spoken to them in about 8/9 years. With some of the group, I feel indifferent to it, but with 2 of the ladies I missed them and it did hurt. And seeing this post now, I realise I'm the common demoniator. So what does that say about me? 🤔

I've also thought the thing about being the common denominator and it's true I am. But it's likewise true that people who do much less are better thought of. I always did much more. Most people are not wired like this. Then I got sick of it.

There's that thing about if you want to find out who your friends are have a breakup, lose your job or become sick then you'll know. It's very true!

It is quite gutting when you realise that family members or friends don't value you enough to put themselves out for you. If you match or rightsize the effort here is my experience of what happens:

They might cool (possibly offended that you have withdrawn in their eyes). They don't usually reflect on how they've been accommodated. To them, all your efforts are just how the relationship is. If they were reciprocally minded you wouldn't be in a one sided relationship.

They just don't notice - this doesn't usually happen unless it was very one sided and they are a bit relieved? I find with family they expect a certain level of contact even if they never lift a finger for it. Friends are more fluid.

You feel weird because you're used to peddling madly to keep things afloat so it can feel quite rude to start matching energy. It isn't rude but it can feel that way.

At first it can feel quite chilly - people you hosted regularly can leave a bit of a gap. The good thing about this is that the space leaves room for new things to come in (more reciprocal relationships) and you not over accommodating leads to less resentment so you feel lighter but maybe a bit lonelier at first before the energy you invested in them is channelled elsewhere.

You don't need to rush to fill the void that is left - take your time, try a few different things, join a few groups, invest widely and shallowly to begin with and find your new friends.